Chapter 5

Tucker, your alive….DAMN!

Hello readers. Episode 73 of RvB just came up, and while I once again laughed myself to death I am a bit ticked, since O'Malley, Doc, Lopez, and Wyoming are back I now need a way to put doc into the story since I had everyone assume he was dead, and that would mess up the time line and stuff so yah….but it was still funny :D

Spartan number 227: I'm glad you liked it. And don't worry I intend on finishing this fic, WITH OR WITHOUT MY REMAINING SANITY!

Clark Cradic (): "Good to hear! Of course how good it is depend son how many RvB fics other than mine you read. Anyways as you can see above, I did see the new episode. Rooster Teeth is a god and we must worship them…I said WORSHIP THEM!"

Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines. Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines. Everyone return to red base, the war is over we have killed the marines.

Tex: "The message has been repeating itself for the last half hour now."

Caboose: "Then why don't we go to red base?"

Church: "It's obviously a trap Caboose."

Caboose: "What makes you think that."

Church: "first of all we can SEE red base from here and it is crawling with marines. Second of all if WE are over here then who do you think made the message. Only an idiot would fall for it."

Griff and Simmon's walked into the part of the cave that Caboose, Tex, and Church was in

Simmons: "Hey um guys, why did you tell us Donut is dead?"

Caboose: "He is not dead. He is sleeping."

Church: "No, he's dead. That's kind of why all of that blood is on his armor."

Simmons: "Actually Caboose is right."

Church: "WHAT!"

Tex: "WHAT!"

Caboose: "what?"

Griff: "WHAT!"

Simmons: "Griff you already knew."

Griff: "I know I just wanted to belong."

Simmons: "That red stuff is just some paint that Donut carried around in case he wanted to change his armor color."

Church: "You mean he left it like that…intentionally?"

Simmons: "Yup pretty much."

Church: "Well it's not our fault he looked dead."

Simmons: "Well maybe the fact that he's been talking in his sleep means that he is ALIVE!"

Church: "He's not talking in his sleep."

Donut: "Sarge wow you look so hot without your armor on."

Church: "I stand corrected."

Griff: "Well at least he's not dreaming about me."

Donut: "Hey Griff what are you and Sarge doi-"

Griff: "FA LA LA LA LA! IM NOT LISTENIGN FA LA LA LA LA!" Griff continued to run around in circles with his fingers plugged into his ears."

Church: "This sucks, it's like I'm the only one who actually died."

Simmons: "Well except for Sarge of course."

Tucker: "And me."

Church: "Yah well I'm wait…TUCKER!"

Tucker was standing right next to church.

Simmons: "How are all of these people sneaking in? Aren't you suppose to be keeping watch Griff." Griff had collapsed after screaming for five minutes without stopping to breathe.

Simmons: "I guess not."

Tucker: "Church let me tell you. Being a ghost sucks."

Church: "Where were you?"

Tucker: "Where was I? Where do you think I was? I was back on earth stalking hot chicks."

Church: "Wait, then why would a pervert like YOU go back here at all?"

Tucker: "OH CHURCH ITS HORRIBAL NO ONE IS EVER NAKED THEY HAVE THESE MACHINES THAT CHANGE PEOPLE IN.00000001 SECONDS AND I NEVER GET TO SEE ANYTHING! IT'S HORRIBAL!"

Tex was aiming her rifle at Tuckers head and mouthing the words, one more word and…

Church: "Wait a minute, you can't do that. MY ghost can only stay on this planet where it died. Which can only mean that…..Tucker, your not dead…DAMN!"

Tucker: "I'm not?"

Simmons: "My guess is that you had a near death experience and your soul ditched your body due to shock."

Tucker: "So I can just go back to my body at any time?"

Simmons: "Theoretically, yes."

Church: "Yah assuming you are not dead, you can."

Griff started to wake up

Griff: "uh…what happened?"

Simmons: "You fainted after Donut started sleep talking about you."

Griff: "Oh I remember, wait…then….why isn't Donut sleep talking now?"

Everyone ran to the spot Donut had been. He was gone and a note was left behind saying

Dear Everyone: I turned on my radio and it looks like we won the war. I am reporting back to red base as we speak, join me when you can.

Church: "No way is he really that stupid?"

Simmons: "I hate to break it to you, but yes. He is."

Back at Red base O'Malley was getting transferred into his new body.

O'Malley: "Finally, a host of my own! This is MUCH better than that annoying human body I was in."

Lopez: "What did you expect? Humans are so weak and frail…"

O'Malley: "Yes but at the same time these robot bodies can be reprogrammed, and in that respect are weaker than that of an ordinary human."

Lopez started twitching

Lopez: "Remember this is a ROBOT army don't say such things."

Marine: "Wait isn't this a marine army?"

Lopez shot the Marine five times, even though the marine was dead after the first bullet.

Sarge: "Now remember your part of the deal. You have to kill Griff."

Donut: "Hi everyone!"

The marines, Lopez, O'Malley, and Wyoming all turned to look at Donut.

Donut: "Hi Sarge what are the ropes for? Wait, wait don't tell me its for…"

Sarge: "DONUT JUST GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!"

Donut: "Hey is that the men's locker room?"

Lopez: "Yes."

Donut looked at Sarge, back at the locker room, and repeated this weighing the choices. He went with staring at the marines in the locker room.

O'Malley: "Lopez take care of him before he informs his friends of our location."

Lopez: "Yes sir."

Lopez jumped down to Donut, raised his gun, and shot the ceiling five times.

Donut: "What is with you and the number five."

Lopez: "This is what happens when I try to shoot once, this new body has a twitchy finger."

Donut: "Oh, ok then."

Lopez pointed his gun at Donut's head

Lopez: "Listen inform your friends that O'Malley is here and kill him."

Donut: "Wait isn't he your friend?"

Lopez: "With him out of the way, I will rule this army as it should be. Mwuhahah HAHAHAHAAH!"

O'Malley: "HEY! WHO'S LAUGHING EVILY DOWN THERE? THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE MY JOB!"

Lopez: "Just get out of here."

Back at the cave everyone just began to realize that they didn't care about Donut

Griff: "I just realized I don't care if Donut dies."

Simmons: "Yah I guess your right. We should just assume he is dead and continue the mission normally."

Tex: "Ok we have decided that I am going to find Andy and the Alien."

(A/N I made this fic right after chapter 69 so the Alien is still alive. The reason he is not here is because there was an avalanche separating them from the religious fanatics and home. Tex and Caboose went back and Andy and the Alien stayed behind to clean the rubble. Just wanted to remind you.)

Tex: "I will take this scooter thing and bring him back so he can help me kill the remaining marines."

Griff: "Do we know how many Marines are left?"

Simmons: "Exactly 503."

Griff: "Really?"

Simmons: "Yah and that's counting all of the one grenade salutes they did."

Griff: "How are you keeping track?"

Simmons: "I calculate when a marine is going to throw a grenade, then I calculate how many will die with the grenade and I add that to the number that we killed. Oh by the way now there are only 500 marines."

Griff: "Then why don't we just stand back here and let them kill themselves?"

Simmons: "Because they are going to run out of Grenades soon."

Church: "Alright I am going to accompany Tex. Tucker stay here and spy on O'Malley."

Tucker: "Why do I have to stay here?"

Church: "Because Tex won't let a pervert like you who can walk through walls come with her."

Tucker: "…that hurt's Church. I don't need to walk through walls. How do you think I managed to stalk people for most of my life?"

Tex: "I think I should go away before I change my mind about killing you."

Tex drove off with the scooter, with Church not far behind.

Simmons: "Okay now we should set up a defensive perimeter to make sure no one can sneak in."

Donut: "Hi guys!"

Simmons: "Why the hell DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?"

Donut: "Hey is Tex here?"

Tucker: "No she just left. Why?"

Donut: "Well I figured that she would want to know about O'Malley being in charge of the marines."

Simmons: "Wait, O'Malley?"

Griff: "Well that WOULD explain things."

Simmons: "We need to go over there and kill O'Malley."

Griff: "How are we suppose to do that without Tex. She is the only one here who can actually fight."

Simmons: "It will be three against one. He won't possibly be able to win."

Back at red base O'Malley has begun to realize that Donut's corpse isn't anywhere nor are any blood stains on the wall.

O'Malley: "Lopez what did you do to the fools body."

Lopez: "It's right there. I didn't move it." Lopez pointed to the corpse of the marine he had shot.

O'Malley: "No no the other fool."

Lopez: "Uh…" Lopez noticed the warthog pull up besides the base. "Uh that reminds me I have to go dispose of the fools body." Lopez quickly ran away.

O'Malley: "Hm that was odd."

Griff, Simmons, Donut, and Tuckers ghost got out of the warthog and charged on top of red base

Simmons: "Surrender O'Malley there is no way you can win."

O'Malley: "How did you get past the Marines?"

Johnson: "Its tea time. All marines are taking a break."

O'Malley: "Then YOU go kill them."

Johnson: "Didn't you hear me? I said it was tea time."

O'Malley: "You drink tea?"

Johnson: "American tea. I am talking about COFFEE!"

O'Malley: "Oh fine. Go get caffeine high while Wyoming deals with these fools."

Wyoming: "Actually I cant."

O'Malley: "Why not?"

Wyoming: "I just got a call from Vic Jr. The bounty on Tucker is still alive. If I find his body and finish it off, I get a huge pay off."

Tucker: "Oh crap I have to get back to my body." Tucker ran away from red base.

Simmons: "Well, its three on one then. You can't win."

O'Malley: "Oh we shall see about that!"

Lopez wandered into the cave that Sheila and Caboose were hiding

Caboose: "You look very shiny today Sheila."

Sheila: "Thank you private Caboose."

Lopez: "NO! She is flirting with that blue idiot! I can't win her back without killing the idiot first, and I need O'Malley's help to do that. I need O'Malley…to live."

O'Malley at this time was in epic combat with red team's finest.

O'Malley: "BOO!"

Griff: "AH DON'T HURT ME!" Griff retreated through the teleporter."

Simmons: "Well it is still two on one. Donut I need you to…Donut?"

Marine: "HEY I THOUGHT WE BANNED YOU FROM THIS LOCKER ROOM!"

Simmons: "Son of a bitch. I guess its just one on one then."

O'Malley: "MWUAHAHAAHA!"

With surprising strength Simmons knocked O'Malley to the ground and pulled out something that looked faintly like a plasma pistol.

Simmons: "You know what this is O'Malley?"

O'Malley: "No."

Simmons: "This will deliver a virus into your new body. And kill you for good."

Lopez ran into the scene

O'Malley: "LOPEZ! Thank god. Look at what this fool is going to do to me. You have to help me."

Simmons: "Don't listen to him Lopez! You were on our team! You don't have to take orders from him anymore."

O'Malley: "I can help you win her back Lopez. I reprogrammed you, I can reprogram her to like you."

Simmons: "That's enough prepare to die." Simmons started to fire the plasma pistol.

Lopez: "NOOOOO!" Lopez jumped forward and hit Simmons hand with his gun.

Simmons dropped the virus thingy.

Simmons: "OW MY HAND! I think you broke it."

O'Malley: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!" O'Malley raised his hands and a bit of static electricity jumped between him and Simmons."

Simmons: "What was that?"

O'Malley: "Oh, I sort of figured it would be bigger, and would throw you off the base."

Johnson: "All right tea time is over."

O'Malley: "Johnson knock him off the base on my queue."

Johnson: "Ok."

O'Malley: "POWER! UNLIMITED POWER! Now Johnson."

Johnson pushed Simmons off the base.

Simmons: "What was that for?"

O'Malley: "Hey why aren't you dead?"

Simmons: "It's like a two story drop."

O'Malley: "Your such a spoil sport can't you at least pretend that you are dead?"

Simmons: "Um… no?"

O'Malley: "Well you loose just get out of my sight."

Simmons walked away.

O'Malley: "hey I wonder why Sarge didn't say anything the entire time." O'Malley then realized that Sarge wasn't anywhere to be seen."

Johnson: "Maybe we should have restrained him, or at least posted a guard near him so he wouldn't run away."

Lopez: "What have I done."

O'Malley: "Don't worry Lopez you came through for me in the end. And in return, I will reprogram her to like you."

Lopez: "I will do anything…master."

O'Malley: "Good. Tell the marines to execute order 66."

Dramatic music starts to play

Lopez: "Actually we already did that in chapter two."

Dramatic music stops

O'Malley: "Oh. Darn. Well then take some marine's to blue base, kill everyone there and steal all of the Oreos,"

Lopez: "Yes my lord."

Ominous music starts to play

O'Malley: "On and form now on your DARTH LOPEZ!"

Lopez: "….how about just Lopez:"

The Ominous music stops

O'Malley: "OH FINE! But I do want someone named DARTH something in my army."

A fusion of Dramatic and Ominous music starts to play

Meanwhile, Tex and Church arrived at their destination to see something disturbing.

A heard of religious fanatics was bowing before the Alien and Andy

Fanatic: "The great quad mouth has come to liberate us and to send us along the great journey to the flag!"

Fanatics: "ALL HAIL THE FLAG!"

Alien: "Honk Honk."

Andy: "Um…he says rejoice! For you shall all be enlightened."

Alien: "Blarg."

Tex: "Your kidding me."

Fanatic: "HALT! WHO DARES TO ENTER NEAR THE SACRED QUAD MOUTH?"

Alien: "Blarg:"

Andy: "The great quad mouth says cool your jets it's a friend."

Fanatic: "I APPOLAGIZE FOR MY INSOLANCE! PLEASE SMITE ME AND REDEAM MY EVIL DEEDS! SMITE ME GREAT QUAD MOUTH!"

Fanatics: "SMITE US! SMITE US!"

Church: "What's going on."

Andy: "These guys have been worshiping us as gods!"

Alien: "Honk honk."

Andy: "Well, they have been worshiping HIM as a god and ME as a translator."

Church: "Great, so you can tell these guys to help us kill the marines that attacked us."

Fanatic: "Go to war you say? We require the great quad mouth to demonstrate his power before a time of war. It is tradition."

Andy: "ummmmmmm"

Two Marine drop ships flew down

Tex: "Oh crud O'Malley has reinforcements."

Fanatic: "OH GREAT ONE PROVE YOUR MIGHT BY DESTROYING ONE OF THSE FLYING MACHINES!"

A bright light appeared in the sky. Halo music stars to play. A spiky bomb like object can be seen falling through the sky. It hits one of the pelicans, blowing it up and sending the other one flying in another direction.

Tex: "How did he do that?"

FLASH BACKKK

Many, many, mannny years ago

Master Chief: "Sir. Giving the covenant their bomb back." The master Chief prepared to jettison himself into space.

Cortana: "What if you miss?"

Master Chief: "I won't."

The big doors opened and the master chief flew out into space

Halo music begins playing and the Master Chief…totally and completely misses the enemy ship.

Cortana: "YOU MISSED!"

The Master Chief let go of the bomb, letting it drift further into space, where unbeknownst to the Master Chief, it would help make an Alien look like a god.

A penguin suddenly appeared out of no where and teleported the Master Chief right above the enemy ship with another bomb

Penguin: "We will let you live, as long as you do not try to stop us when we take over the world."

Master Chief: "What?"

Penguins: "Um…." Penguin God appeared out of no where, snatched the penguin up, and ran away screaming back, "PENGUINS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE END AND READ MY SMASH BROTHERS FIC! THERE ARE PERKS TO BEING RELATED TO THE AUTHOR OF A RANDOM RED VS BLUE FIC!"

Master Chief: "rriiiiiggghhhhtt" the Master Chief resumed his kick as stunt.

UNFLASHBACKIFY!

Alien: "Honk honk (beats me)

Fanatic: "WE MUST PRAISE THE ENLIGHTENED QUAD MOUTH!"

A marine stepped forward from the ruble.

Marine: "Put your hands up or else….."

Another bright light appeared in the sky as a fan fiction author holding a penguin, fell from the sky and squashed the marine.

Penguin God. "Darn. Oh well this is only a set back. PENGUINS SHALL TAKE OVER THE EARTH MWUHAHAHHA!"

With that he teleported back to earth, leaving everyone else to wonder why he didn't do that as he was falling through space

Fanatic: "TWO SIGNS OF POWER! THIS MEANS WE SHALL CHARGE INTO BATTLE TWICE AS FAST!"

Tex: "Ok. NOW were in business."

Meanwhile the dramatic and ominous music in blood gulch continues to play

Lopez marched up the steps to blue base, wearing a black hood. Several columns of marines followed him.

Lopez: "Fan out, kill everyone, and do not leave a single Oreo not eaten."

In the famous words of Ghandi, YAI FOR CLIFF HANGERS! I bet your all surprised that I actually put this chapter up in less than a weeks time than the other instead of being two weeks late on the update. XX Anyways I hope you liked it. Read and review.