Chapter 6

I'm not a therapist

Chapter 6, is here. This will be the second to last chapter. O.O After this fic I will probably write another Red vs Blue fic purely because everyone liked it so much. Anyways, I should warn you that there are about three authors notes in here as well as some rather insane insanity.

Clark Cradic (): Indeed it does. P#34R the $$ kicking F!

Cpt.ShaneSchofield: um…yah what can I say to respond to "ha ha?" LOL I guess?

LordHalo: Your not the only one who thinks that, but as I have explained not even rooster teeth can put 500 marines into a halo game.

Simmons ran up to the large hill next to the cave. They had decided that since it was too easy to sneak into their cave, standing on top of a large hill in broad day light would make a much better hide out. After the failed mission they were suppose to meet here.

Griff: "Simmons! You're alive!"

Simmons: "No thanks to you."

Griff: "What's that suppose to mean?"

Simmons: "It means you left me and Donut there to die?"

Griff: "Hey where is Donut anyways?"

Simmons: "Don't change the subject Griff."

Griff: "I didn't ditch you! you said if we couldn't win we should retreat. I was just following your orders."

Simmons: "Couldn't win? Griff, he said BOO! How is that a threat?"

Griff: "I was just being safe. There's no telling what he could have said after boo."

Simmons: "Jeeze this sucks. And you didn't even get any black stuff on your armor."

Griff: "I don't see why your complaining. We washed it off right?"

Simmons: "Yes but you also washed off the blue paint."

(A/N: Yah I forgot to mention that Griff washed off the black stuff from Simmons armor and accidentally washed off the blue paint so he was his usual color in the last couple of chapters…IM NOT PERFECT YOU KNOW!)

Griff: "So? You didn't even get all of the spots."

Simmons: "I said quit going away from the subject!"

Griff: "Well why don't YOU stop wandering away from the subject!"

Simmons: "What? Me"

Griff: "Yah where's Donut."

At that exact moment (talk about timing) Donut ran up to Simmons and Griff

Donut: "Hey guys guess who I found?"

Simmons: "He's right there nimrod. See."

Donut: "I said… GUESS WHO I FOUND!"

Griff: "Church's dead body?"

Donut: "No. Even better."

Simmons: "Just tell us."

Donut: "Nope it's a surprise."

Sarge: "DONUT WHERE ARE YOU!"

Donut: "Um…surprise."

Simmons: "SARGE! YOU'RE ALIVE! I knew you could pull through. If anyone could survive a hit from a tank at point blank range that would normally kill at least 3 people, it would be you."

Griff: "Great, I managed to go at least two chapters without any ass kissing and it's already over."

Sarge: "SHUT UP DIRT BAG! Don't think you will get away with that attempt on my life."

Griff: "What?"

Sarge: "You told me that there was a tank in the back of the base, so I would walk around the corner, just in time to walk over a marines grenade."

Simmons: "Um, actually that was me sir. Your memory must still be a bit fuzzy."

Sarge: "Oh…well, nice work there Simmons."

Griff: "What?"

Sarge: "At least Simmons had the guts to initiate the back handed trick he was thinking of, while you on the other hand… you didn't even have the guts to spit at me."

Griff: "YES I DO!" Griff spat at Sarge forgetting he was wearing a helmet."

Griff: "UGH! AH GROSS GROSS GROSS!"

Donut: "Hey Sarge, maybe you can build another robot that church can posses."

Sarge: "Good idea Simmons."

Donut: "But…I…"

Sarge: "I will get right on it as soon as…"

Sarge collapsed on the spot

Griff: "Hey what happened?"

Simmons: "Donut, where did you find him again?"

Donut: "He was being held prisoner in red base."

Simmons: "That explains it! This must be a result of torture! We need a doctor…now."

Griff: "Wait…pleeeaaaassseee don't tell me your going to do what I think your going to do."

Simmons whipped out his cell phone.

Griff: "NOOOOOOOO!"

Back at red base, O'Malley was patiently awaiting the arrival of his two new pelican drop ships.

O'Malley: "IF MY DROP SHIPS DON'T GET HERE IN THE NEXT FIVE SECONDS EVERYOEN WILL DIE!"

The pelican that wasn't completely destroyed when the bomb and penguin god crashed down onto the planet, flew over the base and crashed into the canyon wall.

O'Malley: "Oh…well…IM STILL GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!"

Out of the tattered remains of the drop ship came…THE MARINES FROM "Another day on the beach."

(A/N The map expansion pack of Halo 2 included bonus videos. Another day on the beach has these awesome marines and…yah…it was cool and…they're in my story now live with it.)

Marine: "SIR! We lost O'Brien!...and the pilots…and the donuts."

O'Malley: "CURSE THEM! Did you at least bring the Oreo's?"

The marine shook his head slowly

Marine: "I'm sorry my lord but they were in the other drop ship when the bomb came down from no where.

O'Malley: "DAMN IT! You must avenge the Oreos. Step inside I will brief you on your…special mission…MWUAHHAHA HAHAHA HAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA"

Back at the hill, a certain medic had finally arrived

Doc: "Well it's nice to know you've all been well."

Simmons: "Look Doc, I know we haven't exactly gotten along well in the past, but… you're the only one who can help Sarge."

Doc: "Not get along? What are you talking about? I get along well with all people."

Griff: "What he's talking about is trying to ram Sarge with the jeep."

Doc: "Oh…that…didn't we establish that it was an accident?"

Griff: "An accident you say? I was under the impression that you repeatedly rammed Sarge into the wall with the warthog."

Doc: "I was…accidentally."

Simmons: "Look that isn't important right now. Doc we need you to help Sarge."

Griff: "Oh and that time you tried to kill us with the scooter.

Doc: "That was O'Malley."

Griff: "The time you tried to kill us with the rocket launcher."

Doc: "O'Malley."

Simmons: "Look this isn't important."

Griff: "What about the other time you tried to kill us with the rocket launcher."

Doc: "O'Malley. And if he didn't think that weird Alien was going to eat me, he would still be here and would have probably already shot you with a rocket launcher by now."

Simmons: "Look can you help Sarge or not?"

Doc: "From what I can tell no physical damage was inflicted. It all has to be in his head."

Simmons: "Then…help his head."

Doc: "I'm not a therapist. I'm a doctor."

Donut: "I thought you were a medic."

Doc: "Yah well, that's still not a therapist."

Sarge: "Ugh…what happened?"

Simmons: "See he's already starting to wake up. Griff and I will get supplies from blue base while you help Sarge."

Doc: "But…I'm not a therapist."

At red base O'Malley was briefing the Marines form Day on a beach, which we shall now call Kick ass marines for convenience.

O'Malley: "Ok your mission is…to kill the fools. KILL ALL OF THE FOOLS! Kill those fools, and those fools over there, and maybe those fools. THIS ARMY HAS A NO FOOL DISCRIMINATION CLAUSE!"

The Kick ass marines got up and started shooting in the general directions that O'Malley had pointed to, killing about twenty normal marines in the process.

O'Malley: "Well actually there are four particular fools I want you to kill. The red team."

Kick ass Marine: "What about the blue team?"

O'Malley: "The blue team will not have the will to fight after they see what we did with their base."

Simmons and Griff arrived at blue base to see a shocking sight

Griff: "No…it…can't…be…"

Every Oreo had eaten, not a single crumb left. The wrappers had been thrown around the base. All that was left, was an empty pantry.

Dramatic music starts to play

Simmons: "NO NOT AGAIN! THE AUTHOR HAS USED THIS QUE MUSIC JOKE TOO MUCH I NEED TO PUT AN END TO IT!" Simmons ran over to the I-pod currently playing the music and emptied three clips with his SMG into the defenseless machine.

Griff: "Who…who could have done this?"

Simmons: "I'm going to check the security tapes."

Yoda: "Only disappointment, in the security tapes shall you find."

Griff: "Hey didn't you die in chapter two?"

Yoda: "Almost. Fortunately a wookie cushioned my fall and I was saved."

Chewy appeared out of no where and savagely beat Yoda to death with a beam sword. And then disappeared muttering something about sweet vengeance.

Simmons: "Ok then…" Simmons rewinded to tape just in time to see Lopez and his marines eating the Oreos.

Griff: "Him…I'll kill him."

Simmons: "Hey where's Caboose? And Sheila?"

On a fiery planet Lopez stood amongst his crushed enemies. Then he realized there were no fiery maps in Halo and went to longest.

Lopez: "When Sheila gets my letter, she shall meet me here."

Back in blood gulch

Sheila: "Hey I just got a letter from Lopez."

Caboose: "Sheila I don't want to be the one who has to tell you this but…Lopez isn't a good guy any more."

Sheila: "What are you saying?"

Caboose: "Lopez is on the dark side. He is a very bad robot."

Sheila: "I don't believe you!"

Caboose: "He's the father, isn't he?"

Sheila: "…what?"

Caboose: "You build the scooter…I know that…he helped you didn't he."

Sheila: "…."

Caboose: "I'm so sorry."

Caboose ran away crying, unaware of the fact that Lopez and Sheila MAKING the scooter doesn't make them father and mother.

Back at red base O'Malley was briefing his marines

O'Malley: "We managed to prepare this dropship. Use it to kill the red team."

Kick ass marine: "Um…sir…"

O'Malley: "Not now, as I was saying…"

Kick ass marine: "But sir."

O'Malley: "WHAT IS IT!"

Kick ass marine: "…a tank is hijacking the drop ship."

O'Malley turned around to see Sheila drive into the dropship, and then see the dropship take off and fly away.

Kick ass marine: "How exactly does a tank fly a dropship?"

O'Malley: "Oh shut up you fool."

Caboose was crying under the driver seat of the pelican when it lifted off.

Sheila: "I am going to go to longest and talk to Lopez about this…he couldn't have gone to the dark side."

Caboose: "Yai…my chance to impress her by killing her boyfriend. She is going to be SO happy."

Back at the hill (don't worry were staying at the hill for a while)

Doc: "Ok Sarge are there any traumatic child hood incidents you would like to get off your chest?"

Sarge: "Well, once my uncle did something with a garden hose that frightens me to this day."

Doc: "Um…maybe something else."

Sarge: "Well what kind of traumatic experience?"

Doc: "Like what was the worse event of your life?"

FLASHBACKY TIME

Griff: "Hello Sir I've been sent to this base under your command."

Sarge: "Good. Simmons show him the ropes."

Simmons: "Yah this is our base…and that's the blues base. The tours over. Oh yah and that's Lopez."

Sarge: "Speaking of which, did red command give you the…secret components?"

Griff: "What?"

Simmons: "He means D batteries."

Griff: "Oh yah I used them to play my I-pod."

Sarge: "YOU DID WHAT!"

Griff: "Well…they're just batteries."

Sarge: "YOU IDIOT HOW LONG AM I STUCK WITH YOU!"

Griff: "Until I get out of this army, and at this rate, its looking like it will take forever."

Forever……..

Forever……………….

Forever………………………….

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Sarge: "I think that may qualify."

Doc: "I see…tell me Sarge, have you had any love interests…asides Donut I mean?"

Sarge: "What?"

Doc: "Um…nothing just a theory…"

Sarge: "No really what I couldn't hear you."

Doc: "Um…nothing…just did you have any love interests."

Sarge: "Well the only women I truly loved was Maria."

FLASHBACK

Maria: "Sarge, I'm going to timberland and you to sidewinder…I fear we may never meet again. Lets make this night count."

Marie and Sarge leaned in closer to kiss…not realizing that both of them had rock solid helmet son. The Duo (hey I said Duo that's me :D) slammed their heads against each other and both fell unconscious."

UNFLASHBACKIFY

Sarge: "When I woke up I was already in blood gulch and Maria was K.I.R. Killed in Romance."

Doc: "That's…so…sad." Doc was crying like…well like you would expect Doc to cry.

Doc: "Its ok man you need to let the pain out. Here give me a hug."

Sarge: "Donut I have a special assignment for you."

Doc: "Um, then again lets skip the hugging."

A bunch of random homophobes came out of a plot hole and started cheering…until a collection of every sane and decent person in existence killed them all

Collection of every sane and decent person in existence: "HURRAY"

(A/N Why do I have so many authors notes? Yah anyways I just have to have an antihomophobic comment in this fic just incase the gay jokes I made with Donut made me look like a homophobe. Homophobes SUCK!)

Doc: "Tell me what was your child hood like."

Sarge: "Well, I grew up like every other boy. I got my first shot gun at the age of 5 and enlisted in the army at the age of six."

Doc: "That's normal?"

Sarge: "Well I know it was a bit late, probably should have enlisted when I was five, but my mom was a pathetic conscious objector. I hate those people."

Doc: "HEY! I'M a consciences objector!"

Sarge pulled out his shotgun

Doc: "Lets…move on shall we…"

Griff and Simmons came running to the hill

Simmons: "Hey is Sarge sane yet?"

Sarge: "Excuse me?"

Simmons: "I mean, is Sarge back to being sane."

Sarge: "Oh…"

Doc: "I don't think any progress was made like I said I'm not a therapist."

Simmons: "Well Church and Tex are here. They said they have an army with them. Sarge we need a body for Church…NOW!"

Sarge: "You asked me that about 15 minutes ago."

Simmons: "Yah but you fainted."

Sarge: "I didn't faint I fell asleep since I work faster in my sleep."

Simmons: "Wait…then where is the new robot?"

Sarge: "Behind the hill of course."

Simmons, Doc, and Griff looked behind the hill to see the new robot

Simmons: "Wow…ok that works."

In Zanzibar, Wyoming was looking for Tuckers body

Wyoming: "Ah here it is."

Tucker: "My body!"

Tucker ran into his body and repossessed it.

Wyoming: "Ah I see your awake. This will make things a bit more…fun."

Tucker: "Sure as soon as I find my sword."

Wyoming: "You mean that glowing thing behind you?"

Tuckers beam sword was behind him, fully charged

Tucker: "Wait, normally it turns off when I stop touching it."

Wyoming: "MY guess is that the sword was programmed to reset if the owner died so someone else could access it if something unfortunate was to happen."

Wyoming and Tucker looked at each other, then at then at the sword, and then back at each other. The two leapt towards the beam sword and wrestled for it until…

SNAP

The beam sword broke in half, leaving both people with one blade out of the beam swords original two.

Tucker looked at Wyoming

Wyoming looked at Tucker

Back at blood gulch

Church: "ALL RIGHT! I HAVE A BODY AGAIN! By the way Doc, how did u survive when the Alien attacked you?"

Doc: The alien left me alive with no limbs attached, but fortunately I was able to reattach my limbs using my mouth and then used skin from body parts I couldn't restore to patch up the wounds."

Church: "…that is disturbing on so many levels. I really wish you didn't tell me that."

Tex: "Well now that we have an army ready, we should kill O'Malley."

Just at the other side of the hill O'Malley was preparing his attack

O'Malley: "All right, all 435 of you that are left, CHARGE

Back in Zanzibar Wyoming and Tucker leapt at each other in a furious exchange of blows.

In Longest, The pelican drop ship crashed through the wall and Sheila came out to greet Lopez.

Lopez: "Everyone loves a cliff hanger."

Next time on Red vs Blue…

There is a lot of 1v1 fighting, some even more 3v435 and as you probably guessed…lots of insane humor. Next chapter, the last chapter of Red vs blue revenge of the robots. Why the hell are we using anime style spoilers?

Yup, this chapter wasn't really good I know. It is here to set up the final chapter. Anyways, after the final chapter I will probably write another Red vs Blue fic. Just because everyone loved this one so much. Thanks for all of the reviews and keep an eye out for the next chapter. I will try to put it up before I go skiing…try I said…try.