154 DAYS REMAINING
PoV: LEO
I didn't know that I loved Amanda until we started using the chalkboards full time. Since our very first birthday she's been my best friend. Saying those mean things about her on our tenth birthday was the biggest mistake I've ever made. That was when I promised myself I would never, ever hurt her again, no matter what.
Things took a turn when we turned eleven (the ninth time). Amanda and I had just discovered how to break the time loop the way our great-great-grandfathers did, and we started dancing around the historical society to celebrate. That was when it dawned on me. There she was, laughing and smiling and jumping on the furniture like she didn't have a care in the world. Like she wasn't living her eleventh birthday for the ninth time. Like we weren't under an ancestral curse together. It had been so long since I'd seen her that happy, I realized just how much I'd missed it, missed her, and in that moment it was all I could think about.
I realized she was beautiful, inside and out. Beautiful, and she didn't have a clue. I wanted to tell her, I really did. But I kept it to myself. I couldn't lose Amanda again, and if she'd found out, I would have.
I did my best not to rock the boat. When it came to our friendship, I wasn't about to risk it for anything. But to keep myself from going completely crazy, I started writing poetry about it. I locked the poems away in a little combination-safe box that I keep under my bed. As time went on Amanda became the subject of most of my poems (okay, fine, all of them), and the ones about her I kept in my desk drawer. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever give them to her to read one of these days. That would rock the boat for sure.
Confusing feeling after confusing feeling kept piling on until we hit the chalkboards, and she stopped talking to me. Suddenly I felt like a part of me was missing, like I wasn't quite whole anymore. Because this time, she wasn't unreachable. She wasn't angry at me. She was right there, right in front of me, looking at me and talking to the person next to me, but not to me. So close and yet, so far away. I knew it was going to be hard, but I wasn't prepared for how bad it hurts sometimes.
So to keep the ache at bay, I listened to her CD. A lot. I started keeping a tally, and on day 211 I am at 104 listens. So naturally I had to ask myself what that meant, because I don't know if "just friends" listen to a CD recording of their favorite girl companion's voice over and over like they'll die if they don't.
That didn't stop me from listening to it, though, over and over…104 times. By now I've memorized her monologue and can call it to mind whenever I want.
"Is it recording? Uh…yeah, yeah it is. Okay: Leo, I've just gotta say, I can't believe we're doing this. I don't think many other kids our age have to forgo verbal conversation for an entire year in order to bend the laws of time to their will—but we're special. I'm just worried that I'll mess up, that I'll accidentally speak to you somehow and we'll lose everything. What happens then? What happens if we can't stop time? I wish we knew, Leo. I wish Angelina would tell us. But I've probably wasted enough of this recording freaking out, so, sorry for that. I won't bring it up anymore, I swear.
"You know how glad I am that you're doing this with me? If I had to walk around wearing a chalkboard all year by myself, I would probably die of humiliation on the first day. But ever since we were kids, I've never been afraid to do unusual things—or stupid things—when you're doing them with me. I'm braver when I'm with you—I don't care about what anyone else thinks. I could do just about anything if you're right there next to me. You inspire a courage in myself that no one else has ever brought out, Leo. And I'm amazed every time. You probably didn't know that before I told you, huh? It's true. Thank you for doing this with me. I will try and be cool about it, for both our sakes, but I know you won't judge me if I feel scared. After we made up last year I started putting a lot of trust in you, and you haven't let me down once. Thanks for that. It means a lot to me.
"We're going to be okay. Out loud or not, you're still my best friend, and no one knows me better than you. Meaning you know how scared I am right now. But I'm still stepping off the edge, because you're stepping off with me, and no matter what's at the bottom, we'll be okay—as long as we face it together."
It took 104 listens, 211 days committing those words to memory, knowing each one was meant for me and only me—and that they were all true. It wasn't long before I sorted out those feelings, those realizations that would cross my mind for seemingly no reason at all, and put them into an explanation I couldn't deny from any angle.
I love her. I love Amanda Ellerby, in all kinds of different ways: scary ways and beautiful ways and dangerous ways. Ways I don't fully understand and ways I don't want to understand. All these ways and more. And I always will, no matter what happens to us. If it was up to me, I'd stay by her side for the rest of my life, and we would keep making each other better and braver people.
But that's probably not what she wants. Actually, I don't know what she wants, because I've never asked, because I'm afraid that we won't want the same things. But that's okay. People like Amanda are rare, which is exactly why I can't lose her. Not over this. Even if she's never more than my best friend, I'll always want Amanda in my life.
And if that means taking this secret to my grave, then so be it.
A/N: I liked writing this in Leo's point of view! This is the first chapter I've dedicated solely to his thought process, and it won't be the last ;)