Disclaimer: I don't own Samurai Champloo or any of the characters.
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Chapter 2: Mornings
My dreams had become a place of torment. It seemed I always had the same nightmare. It began nice enough; I walked slowly behind the silent and crass samurai. From there I could watch Jin's beautiful black hair bounce between the blades of his back with each stride of his steps. He was poetry in motion. Each step seemed as if it had meaning. As if he planned his every move before he'd come to it. Then my view would shift to Mugen. He seemed to walk as if his slender shoulders propelled him forward. Swaggering to the beat inside his body controlling him. Moving as if nothing could ever get in his way and nothing could bother him. He was the epitome of courage and bravery. I could not see their faces and their voices were low as they spoke but I knew it was them and I felt safe just being near them. In reality, I never feared for anything while I was with them. But dreams had a way of turning for the worst. In the midst of my fantasy I would become stilled on the dirt path. I could see them move farther and farther ahead of me. Their lives continuing as if I never existed. Never turning to see if I was okay or even alive. Never to hear me call their names. But I did call their names. Every night I could hear myself utter those beautiful syllables in my sleep.
All I wanted was to be with them once again. But more than just sitting around with them as friends. I wanted them to love me as I had grown to love them. Possibly tasting Jin's sweet kiss or feeling Mugen's strong arms wrapped around me. What was odd was I had never experienced either of the two with any man. I had gentlemen suitors but none matched up to my defenders. But I still felt it was something I was missing and I only wanted to experience it with one of them or no one at all. The only time I had gotten close was when Jin let me hold him once while we still looked for the sunflower samurai, even then, the emotion was not returned. My imagination would have to carry me into the arms of my protectors. Sometimes I found myself sleeping late when my dreams turned from nightmare to the most pleasant of images where I lay in their arms tumbling sweetly beneath the sheets of my futon. The thought of my body being entangled with their long limbs and the pressure of their body upon mine would send me into dizzying fits of elation only to wake alone as I'd lie the night before.
I awoke the next morning to the sound of coughing coming from the monk's room. In the past few weeks this had become his ritual awakening. Several minutes would pass of this persistent coughing, shaking his frail body into submission. The harshness of the rattling even made my chest ache from pain. The only good coming from his coughing was it let me rise one more day knowing he had not left me in his sleep. I would not move from the bed until I heard him. It was my wake up call on some occasions. On days when I opened my eyes before him, I would sit and wait. Each minute was excruciating pain for me. I would press my back deeper and deeper into the soft mat beneath me praying to hear him. 'Please monk! Do not leave me today.' I would tense every muscle in my body and hold my breath. I could not leave my own room without him being in this world. I did not want to enter his room without knowing if he was alive. Finally the silence would break and I knew my father figure was still with me.
I rose from the bed feeling the sunshine upon my skin. It was a warm and beautiful day outside. Much like my days in the past. The only difference between then and now - my days then were filled with worry of where my next meal would come from, but here as long as I worked and people still came to pray at the temple I was fine. This life was simple and quaint. But I still longed for the days I awoke to Mugen's snoring and Jin's voice breaking through the last remnants of sleep to say good morning.
I shook the memories from my thoughts. "No need in torturing myself with the past when I'm awake. I do enough while I am asleep". I could not be bothered when my priorities were towards the monk's health. I heard him rise from his bed and slide the door open.
"Ohayō gozaimas, Fuu-chan."
"Ohayō gozaimas." I replied watching him hobble out of his room. Small beads of sweat had formed along his forehead. I was proud of him for continuing to walk around the temple. The doctor explained to us he would soon lose the ability or at the least have great pain when he did attempt to do so. I think we had stumbled into the later possibility.
I quickly walked in to the kitchen and began making soup. I knew it would take the monk a while before he reached the kitchen. He often stopped at the statue of Buddha for prayer before eating. His prayers had become much longer than usual. I was sure he prayed for his health to be returned to him. At least it was what I prayed.
"Today feels like a good day, Fuu-Chan" he replied entering the kitchen and sitting down on the tatami mats. I had heard this so many times before. I believed it just to be his mantra for getting through the day in pain. I smiled and nodded spooning the hot soup into his bowl.
"Well eat up. I am going to sweep the steps and then go out to the market."
"Hmm" he replied picking up the chopsticks. We ate silently. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I was staring into an empty bowl.
"Hungry are we?" He asked slowly bringing the sticks to his lips. "Or are you trying to keep you mind preoccupied with other things to keep from your true thoughts?"
I stared at him in astonishment. "Am I really quite easy to read?"
He smiled placing the sticks back on the table and folding his arms across his chest.
"Yes, indeed you are. I know your mind drifts to them often. I wish I could bring them to you. But I will tell you time has a way of working itself out. Be patient Fuu-chan. All will be well."
Hearing him tell me actually put my mind at ease. Hopefully the relief would last for a while.
I watched the monk stand to his feet and began walking towards his room.
"Are you finished already?" I asked staring back at the less than half empty bowl of soup.
"Hai" he replied continuing to walk slowly. I figured he was just tired and needed to get back to his futon. Or perhaps he was going to sit in his garden as he had many days before.
I began clearing the table and washing the dishes. The day started to feel better. This is why I needed the monk. He was my…
I heard it. I heard a thud against the floor outside of the kitchen. I ran out of the room, finding him crumpled on the floor. His eyes were closed and he was not moving to his feet.
"Wake up!" I screamed coming to his side. "Please, please wake up! You can't…leave me!"
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I knew it was noon by the time I woke. The sun was a lot hotter and I could hear the sounds of people moving towards the city. I pulled up from the bed, scratching my chest and felt the rumble move from one side of my stomach to the other. I wasn't sure if it was the sake trying to come back up or if I was just hungry. Either way I knew what I wanted now. Rice.
I pulled my shirt back on noticing I had somehow come out of it during sleep. My head pounded slightly but not enough to keep me in the bed. It would take more than just a few bottles of sake to stay down. I hadn't died yet so there was no need to stop.
I picked up the money which had fallen out of my pockets and stood heading for the door.
I pulled it opened to find my peculiar landlord; Yoji standing with a weird smirk plastered across his face. He pushed back the few black strains of hair on the top of his balding head in attempts to mingle them with the longer mane that hung about his neck. As usual, Yoji wore women's kimono. His sad attempt in looking like the mamas in the district, I supposed. He made me feel awkward most of the time, but he paid me up front and that's all I cared about.
"Konichi wa, Mugen-san," he said in his unusual high pitched voice, batting his eyes at me. "I'm glad you are awake, but not by much, huh?" he asked, pointing to my hair, which was probably all over the place. I didn't think it would like any different than usual. "Looks like I will not need to use this after all."
Yoji shook a dark brown stick he often carried with him for a weapon. In all this time I had never seen him use it. Actually I didn't think he knew how to use it.
"Damn, Yoji! You didn't trust me enough to come bring you the money myself. You had to come looking for it!"
"I wanted to get paid before you did something stupid with the little money you had left. You should be happy someone is looking out for your best interest."
"Right, Yoji. Here is what you came for." I placed the 10 monme in his hand and looked at the 3 remaining in my own.
'Well there goes a big breakfast…or lunch. Whatever it was it was gone,' pissed for not waking earlier.
"You are lucky, Mugen-san. I do not charge you as much as I charge others. You are getting a better deal. I do it because I like you." He grinned counting the money in his hands.
"Only because I work for you, you pay me close to nothing and then you take it back for rent. There's got to be some kind of law against theft like this."
"Ho ho! I knew you would never see the beauty in this," he laughed walking back towards the city. "You should come into town soon while the sunshine is still out. There is plenty of work to be done and you look like you could use the pay. Another night at the brothel would probably clear whatever is on your mind."
He laughed turning around once again; waving the bag he used to collect his money. I had half a mind to hold him down and beat him for it. No, not today at least. What was on my mind was only a couple cities away from me. I thought living this close to her would allow me to continue protecting her. What it truly did was make it hard not to go see her. I knew many people went to the temple she now lived in. I even knew of the restaurant she was employed. But what kept me away was the fact that she had never shown me the same feelings I knew she had for Jin. I'd heard and seen her with him enough to keep me out of the picture. Even when we all were together and I was the one going to save her, I always felt like an ass for sticking my neck out.
I hated thinking of Fuu in any other manner other than a friend. I hated thinking about the way it would feel to kiss her soft lips and to hold her body against mine. I hated the dreams that woke me up in the night as I envisioned her body riding mine until I'd explode deep in her womb. I hated it especially because it would probably never happen and I'd continue to feel weak and like a damn idiot. A man shouldn't have to think about this crap! As long as I had sake and the brothels I was fine. No worries.
"Guess its time to start again," I said pulling the door shut behind me and walking into town. Many of the street vendors were out reminding me I was still hungry. I was able to buy a bowl of rice from one of the merchants I worked for in return for some chopped wood. Out of all my everyday jobs I hated chopping wood the most. It just seemed like it was the most boring thing you could do. Along with fishing. Actually, anything was boring if I didn't get to use my sword.
"Where is Jin when you need him? At least then I would get a real work out with my sword."
Despite the fact I knew Fuu probably cared for Jin over me, I couldn't be mad at him. He didn't force her too. In fact I hadn't ever really seen him show anything towards her when we were together either. The only time I saw him with a woman was a prostitute and he sent her away to some camp or something. At least I know he's not gay. Knowing him he probably doesn't even know how she feels. What am I talking about? I don't even know how she feels. Damn! This is confusing. I rather just pay for women than have to deal with crap like this. But…it still would be good to see her…
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Stories are like journeys. The most difficult step always seems to be the first one. I knew the next step I took would take would begin a difficult chapter in my life.
It was harder than I thought it would be to leave the Kawara Clan. In some odd way, I had become their leader, other than Sousuke, a position I did not want to claim.
"How can you leave now?" asked a portly man sitting cross-legged at the door of the dojo.
"Yeah what if someone tries something?" asked another who had stood to his feet after hearing the news.
"Then you all need to handle it. Protect Sousuke and yourselves. The clan is your priority, not mine," I calmly replied walking towards Sousuke's room leaving the gentlemen to their own conversation. As for me, I had stated what was needed and no further speech was desirable.
Many of the gentlemen nodded in agreement with my departure. "Jin has a life he has to live. We have taken care of the Kawara Clan for many years before him and we will continue without him."
"But he is walking away from his responsibility towards Sousuke-san," another yelled in protest.
"A man has the right to live…" the voiced trailed off as I moved further and further from the crowd. I was uninterested in their dispute. I had made up my mind and there was nothing way of changing it.
I turned the corner leading to Sousuke's quarters. He sat; legs crossed, at the opened window on the far wall of his room, his back to the door. The room was quiet except for the sound of the trees rustling outside, carrying the breeze around the room.
"I hear the men are in quite an uproar. Something must have created a small riot amongst them." Sousuke spoke with his back to me the entire time. His body never moved.
"I believe I have caused the upheaval, but not intentionally."
Sousuke laughed, "You said the same thing when you unintentionally protected me and the men from the first attack of the Nagatomi gang once you returned. It was an unintentional win for our side but it put so much determination into some who'd lost their belief in my ability to rule as my father. Did I ever thank you, Jin?"
"Hai."
"Good."
We sat in the silence. I now sat against the wall beside the door. I was not quite sure how to tell this young man I would be leaving him for who knows how long. The words had not yet formed in my mind.
Sousuke once again spoke without me needing to say a word.
"I knew yesterday you intended on leaving. I've known for quite some time. I thought I should have tried to talk you out of it yesterday. Make you stay here. But once I looked at your face I knew you were determined to leave and I had no place to force you otherwise. The life you lead was determined long before you met me."
He turned and met my stare with a face as stern as his father's. "Perhaps if it is possible though, you may return some day."
I nodded and stood. Growth in a young man takes many forms and for this young man, it often came in the form of losing someone. It forced him to take on more responsibility. But this had also made him stronger.
"I am sure, Sousuke-san, if your father were here he would be very proud of the man you have become. I am sure you have taken to his footsteps as well as he would have liked."
Sousuke smiled a small grin then turned back to his window.
I turned and closed his door, leaving him to his thoughts. I did feel a duty towards Sousuke, but my life did come first. This was always temporary and he was aware. Such a long time ago I had placed my life on hold. I left everything behind. Now I knew the only way to silence the unrelenting questions in my mind was to seek out their answers. The thought was more frightening than any foe I had ever encountered. But at least I knew I had some place to call a home.
"Perhaps indeed I will return, Sousuke" I replied walking down the steps and into the sunshine of the day. The clear dirt path leading out of town was sure to lead me to wherever I needed to go.