Author's Note: Thank you for all of your wonderful reviews! Thank you for
making me smile every time I read them... they certainly give me a lot of
inspiration and encouragement! As for the last chapter, I'm sorry I had to
leave it like that, but anyway, the story continues. And it's continuing
for the better. Actually, I know you all are probably going to hate me
because of this chapter as well, but anyway. Onwards!
Chapter 19: Living for Love
Draco had not slept that night. He simply cast himself on a chair and stared into the fire as it burned into ashes. He didn't feel the cold of the wind or the warmth of the fire as it blazed. He made no move to get up or even change his sitting position. He stared almost unblinkingly, unknowingly into space as he thought about what had transpired only hours ago.
She knows... She knew... Draco thought.
It was all he could think about. The fact that Hermione Granger knew about what happened, no, what he had done was... unbearable to think of. He thought he could escape it without her ever knowing. But it seemed that the fates had a different idea of how he was going to live his life.
Damn the fates, then! He thought angrily.
His handsome face was set in a grim expression. He gritted his teeth so hard that it hurt so much and he ultimately had to stop. His clenched fists were a different matter, though. When he finally opened them, he found out that his nails had drawn blood from his palms. He knew that it should have stung, but he was ignoring everything, every other pain. Except for the pain in his heart.
And yet, this pain in his heart was the one that hurt the most.
In the few instances of the fates trying to persevere, he thought himself the fool. That he was the one to blame for the heavy ache in his heart. Hermione had simply stumbled upon the page of his journal he thought he'd burned a long time ago. But then, he would dismiss it and return to being angry with her for not telling him... For not asking about what his writings meant...
For not leaving him when she had the chance to do so.
After all, it was what he expected of anyone who happened to know about his pathetic past. Only one person had stuck to his side when Draco had told his sad tale. That person was Goyle.
"Draco!" Called Goyle from beyond the heavy wooden door of Draco's room. Draco did not answer at once and so Goyle had to raise his voice. "Draco, open this door!" Goyle called again as he pounded his fist on the door.
Nothing. Silence.
"Draco! Open the bloody goddamn door! There is something you must know!" Goyle tried again.
Still nothing.
"Draco!!! It's about Hermione..." Goyle said, hoping that it would at least make Draco open the door so that they could speak in normalcy. Goyle was not about to announce it to the whole castle at dawn. And if Goyle knew Draco, which he did, he knew that Draco was still awake.
Goyle took a deep breath, debating his next move. Draco was still up, Goyle knew that. He was just wallowing in his own misery to open the damn door. Hermione still had the key to Draco's room and Goyle knew that she wasn't in the castle premises anymore. The thought of Hermione riding into the harsh night, unarmed and unaware of her surroundings made Goyle's choice of path extremely easy to do.
"Draco! Hermione's gone." Goyle said, in a voice that was loud enough to be heard by Draco, but not anybody else. Goyle counted the seconds before Draco opened the door. Goyle never even got to three before Draco forcefully opened the door and glared at Goyle.
"What in the bloody hell did you just say?" Draco demanded.
"Hermione's gone." Goyle repeated, pushing Draco back so that they would talk privately in Draco's room.
"What do you mean she's gone?!?!" Draco roared, not budging from his position.
"Draco, not here... we're going to wake up the whole household." Goyle said.
"I don't care about the bloody castle!!" Draco yelled. "Where is she?!?"
"She left... she took Starshine and went through your gates to God- knows-where!" Goyle retorted.
Draco's blood ran cold. She left... She left him...
But didn't he tell her to leave him in the first place? Wasn't this what he wanted? He had been angry at her for knowing his past and not leaving him. Now, he was angry at her for actually leaving him?
"Get out of my way." Draco said, his voice was deadly. He glared at Goyle who quickly moved aside and let Draco pass.
"Where are you going?" Goyle asked.
"I never took you for the fool, Goyle." Draco said sarcastically. The only possible way to control his anger was by sarcasm and something more that Draco refused to acknowledge at this point. "But, I think this is an exception." He continued as he went down the stairs, taking three at a time and heading to the ground floor of his castle.
"Well...?" Goyle prompted, huffing and puffing as he tried to catch up with Draco.
"Off to get her, what else?" Draco explained. "Get my cloak and other things I need."
"You need?" Goyle said, stopping in his tracks as they reached the bottom of the stairs and Draco was quickly going to the front doors of the entrance hall. "You can't go alone!"
"If she can, then I can." Draco retorted. "I don't bloody need a goddamn guard when I'm off fetching a goddamn woman!" Draco called out as he headed towards the portcullis. Once there, he called out his soldiers.
"Who's the goddamn soldier who let that damn woman out of my gates?!" Draco roared. He looked at each man and they all had their heads bowed. Then, slowly and shakily, one of his guards raised their hands, not being able to look at his Lord. "Come here." Draco said viciously. The man quickly went up to Draco, still with his head bowed.
"Get me my bloody horse!" He shouted to one guard who quickly sped off. Draco turned back to the guard who had let Hermione out. Goyle had just come up to where Draco was standing; in his hands were Draco's chain mail and cloak. He stopped a few paces from where Draco was standing.
"Did you let her out?" Draco asked.
"Yes, my lord." The man replied in a small voice.
"You know better!" Draco shot back. "You should know better and I should have you hanged for this mistake!!"
The man let out a sound which could only be classified as a squeak.
"But... other matters are pressing and I don't have time for a hanging..." Draco said as he took the chain mail from Goyle and slipped it on along with his cloak. Goyle held the reins of Dusk who was just as grim as his master. A package of food, water and blankets were strapped on to the horse. Draco then got on Dusk and ordered the portcullis to be raised. "Do not get your hopes up, man." Draco said as he was about to ride out. "When I come back, be sure you are ready to compensate for this!"
Without so much as another word, Draco sped towards the outer bailey and the town that awaited him. He had no other thing in mind except to find Hermione.
And wring her neck once he got to her.
* * *
Hermione had cried herself to sleep. When she woke up to the harsh light of the sun breaking through the canopy of trees, she felt the puffiness of her eyes and the sensitivity to light. Hermione rose up to a sitting position and looked around. Starshine was contentedly grazing off the side and her surroundings looked foreign to her in the day.
Or maybe that's because my vision was blurry with tears. She thought as she massaged her shoulders. She had slept on nothing except a patch of grass, using her cloak as a blanket. And she didn't know where in the hell she was.
She had ridden from Draco's castle the night before, only taking Starshine with her. She even managed to escape the guard by making some pathetic story about... she couldn't even remember what she had said. Her mind had been in a daze after what happened between Draco and her.
'Get out. Leave. I don't care anymore.'
His words almost killed her. She cried all the way to the forest a few miles beyond Draco's castle. She merely let Starshine be her guide. Starshine took her here and Hermione got off and settled to sleep at the foot of a tree. She didn't bring any food or water with her, intending to starve to death in the cold forest. After all, she didn't care anymore.
Hermione brought her knees to her chest and laid her forehead on them. She had a terrible headache, one borne from crying too much and not eating. She was so intent on thinking about nothing but her last encounter with Draco that she didn't hear the heavy footsteps on the forest floor, coming towards her in rapid speed.
Suddenly, she was lifted off her feet, courtesy of the two hands grasping her upper arms, and pinned backwards to the trunk of the tree. Hermione didn't even have time to react when she realized that it was Draco who was holding her a few inches above ground. His face was set in an angry expression and his eyes positively blazed with unleashed fury.
"What in the hell were you thinking?!?! Leaving the castle like that!!" Draco roared.
It took Hermione a few moments before she snapped out of her stupor and snapped back at him, wrenching away from his grasp until she dropped to the floor and removed his hands off her.
"What do you mean?! You're the one who told me to get out of your castle!" Hermione shot back. She stood up to her full height and glared at him. "What are you doing here, anyway?!"
"Coming to get you, of course!" Draco retorted.
"What? First you say that I should leave the castle then you're telling me to go back there! I most definitely will not!" Hermione answered.
"And you're simply going to stay here and die?!"
"Why shouldn't I? After all, I am dead to you, aren't I?" Hermione replied.
"If you were dead to me, then why did I bother searching for you since dawn?" Draco countered loudly.
Hermione was silent for a moment. He had searched for her since dawn? And what was it now, noon, perhaps? "I don't know... to come and yell at me to get out of your life? And probably to get me away from your forest as well?" Hermione said sarcastically. She wasn't about to back down and give in... until he explained to her.
"And what would you have done if I hadn't found you?" Draco asked, changing the current flow of the topic. "Sit here and die?!"
"Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me..." Hermione remarked. "I was about to do that, actually, if you hadn't come here."
"So you want me to leave you? Is that it?"
"Yes!" Hermione cried out... even though her mind and heart were telling her otherwise.
Draco looked uncertain for a moment, as if he were pondering on her words and trying to come to a decision. He looked back at her. When she glared at him, mostly for keeping up her harsh exterior, he almost turned away and walked towards his horse. Almost.
His next words were like a phoenix' song to Hermione's ears.
"I can't." Draco said in a softer tone. "I want to and I'll be damned for it... but I can't leave you be." He looked at her. All traces of anger and fury were gone from his eyes. He simply looked... hurt. He looked away after that, probably realizing that he had exposed so much emotion to her. Emotion he didn't know he possessed.
Hermione wanted to cry. She wanted to cry for him; because her heart ached so much but she knew it wasn't as much as how his heart ached. It ached for her. She realized. And she wanted all his hurt to be gone.
Taking a deep breath, she placed a tentative hand on his arm and said, "Then why don't we sit down and you can tell me what I did wrong."
Draco looked back into Hermione's face and nodded. He noticed Hermione's cloak lying beside their feet and bent down, brushed it off and placed it around her shoulders. He then told her to wait as he got the blanket, food and water from Dusk who was grazing with Startshine a few yards away. When he came back to Hermione, he laid out the blanket and told her to sit on it. When she did, he did the same and gave her the food and drink.
"Eat." He told her as he gave her food. "You must be hungry."
"What about you? You're hungry as well." Hermione pointed out but took the package anyway. She was delighted to find out that the package consisted of sweet pastries and bread. Hermione couldn't help but smile as she placed the experience to memory. This was their first 'picnic' after all.
"What I hunger for cannot be satisfied by food alone." Draco said, looking at her with a steady gaze. It was those eyes again, looking at her with such intensity, Hermione didn't know what to make of all of it.
"Then what do you hunger for?" She asked as she ate and drank.
"Would you want to know the good things or the bad first?" Draco asked her, a hint of a smile crossed his features. Hermione smiled at him as well.
"I can take a guess." She replied. "Revenge?"
He nodded and took a deep breath. Hermione was quick to assure him. "Then tell me, so I can understand." She prodded.
"Madigan Durant killed my father, Lucius Malfoy." Draco said after a few silent moments. "Durant was supposed to marry my mother in an arranged marriage. But on the eve of their wedding, my father and mother escaped to Scotland."
Hermione stilled when she heard all this. Eve of their wedding? Hermione repeated in her mind. She couldn't help but make the connection to her own life. Of course, her wedding was never an arranged marriage, but she really couldn't help equate it to Draco's parents' situation.
It was crazy and amazing at the same time. Narcissa was supposed to marry Madigan, but on the eve of their wedding, Lucius whisked her off to Scotland. It was like her own life. She was supposed to marry Ron, but on the eve of their wedding, she was having doubts... and somehow, she was transported to the 1300's and met Draco.
Hermione snapped back to reality as Draco continued.
"Fifteen years later, when I was thirteen, Durant and his army attacked our home. My father told my mother and me to escape..."
"Where did you go?" Hermione asked.
"We set out for France." Draco said. "But, we stayed with a few townsfolk in England who were kind enough to let us stay a while when we were in hiding."
"How long were you in hiding?"
"About a year." Draco answered. "It was enough for me to track down Madigan and..." He trailed off.
"And?" Hermione prompted.
"And kill him." Draco replied.
Hermione looked down, taking deep breaths. She made no judgment, no argument. She simply wanted to hear him and she could understand his situation. He surely didn't think that she would get angry at him for what he had done in the past. Could he?
She was met with stark realization when she remembered how he had reacted when he found out that she knew about his past. He did think that she would hate him... And she knew that she didn't. In fact, she was feeling the exact opposite of hate.
"Have I disgusted you yet?" He asked. There was a dangerous and almost fearful tone in the way he said it. He was scared of her turning away from him... She realized suddenly.
"Why should I be disgusted?" Hermione asked softly, gently regarding him.
He looked at her sharply and confusion briefly invaded his features. "Because I'm a murderer."
"You're not a murderer." Hermione replied.
"I am." Draco insisted. "Because I did not only kill Madigan, I killed his brothers and uncles and every single Durant ever since my younger days... I should be hanged... if it weren't for their own sins."
"What do you mean?"
"Some of the Durant men were known for taking advantage of poor young women. They also tortured for no reason at all." Draco said.
"Then they deserve to die." Hermione stated.
"That may be so... but I have killed." Draco said. "I have sinned... and there is still one last Durant."
"Who is he?"
"Gareth. Madigan's only son." Draco said bitterly. "I have never met him or seen him. But he knows who I am. When I am through with him, -"
"You would kill yourself." Hermione softly finished for him, remembering the page from Draco's journal.
Draco nodded, not wanting to meet her gaze. "I do not deserve to live after what I have done."
"What about me?" Hermione asked. "What would become of me when you decide to end your life?"
Draco forced himself to look at her. "You would go and find another man." He said decidedly. "Someone who is worthy of you. You would have a better life and-"
Hermione had enough so she interrupted him. "You don't think I've already found the man I've been looking for my whole life?"
"Who?" Draco couldn't help but ask.
She smiled at him, trying not to laugh. He didn't think that she loved him? "You, of course."
Draco looked shocked... and he was rendered speechless. So Hermione continued.
"Did you really think, no wait, did you really expect me to leave you after I found out about your past?" Hermione asked.
Draco nodded.
"Where am I right now, Draco?"
"Right here."
"And I'm not going anywhere." Hermione declared. "I only left you because I was hurt after what you said. I left you yesterday because I was angry at you... but now..."
"Now?"
"I think..." Hermione stopped herself. "No... I know I love you." And she smiled sweetly at him.
Draco swallowed. He looked at her for a long time, trying to see if she was not sure about what she said. But he found no evidence of her not saying the truth. She did love him. After all he said and his past, she loved him.
"You can't love me..." Draco rasped. "I'm a murderer."
"No, you're not." Hermione insisted. "What's past is past. We can't change it, Draco. But I don't care about your past. In the months I've known you, you've shown me nothing but tenderness and care and concern..." And hopefully, love. She finished in her head.
"I can't escape it, Hermione." Draco said. "I see their deaths in my mind, I hear their screams for mercy... their blood taints my hands..."
"Then see only me, Draco. Then think only of me." Hermione said, coming closer to him until only a few inches separated them. "Then hear only my voice... and hold me in your hands and heart."
She then took one of his hands and laid it over her heart. She looked up at his shocked face and smiled up at him.
"I belong to you, Draco. No matter what happens, no matter what did happen before, I belong to you and only you." Tears welled up in Hermione's eyes and they slowly flowed down to her cheeks as she said those words fervently. "You have my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I am yours, Draco Malfoy."
She looked up at him with such love and trust that he couldn't say anything at first. So, he simply put his other hand on her cheek and brushed away her tears which were flowing freely now.
"Please don't cry, Hermione." Draco said softly.
"I'm sorry for crying..." She said.
"Hermione...?"
"Yes?"
Draco took a deep breath. "If I promise you that I would protect you with my life, and look forward to each day just to see you and be with you, and..." Draco paused and took another deep breath. "And love you with all that I am... will you marry me?" He looked at her with a bit of apprehension and fear in his eyes.
Hermione was speechless... the she cried more tears and smiled through them. "Yes... yes!" Hermione answered as she placed her arms around his neck and hugged him for dear life.
When she pulled slightly away to look at him, he smiled and kissed her. The kiss was deep and hard and passionate and the most beautiful thing ever. The intensity of kisses they shared before was multiplied about a hundred times, mostly because they finally admitted to themselves that they did love each other.
After a few minutes, they broke apart and realized that they were leaning towards the blanket-covered forest floor. Draco was about to straighten up when Hermione grabbed the front of his clothes and pulled him close. Draco placed his hands on her back to keep her from falling.
Hermione looked up to his eyes and smiled before softly speaking.
"Make love to me, Draco Malfoy."
Chapter 19: Living for Love
Draco had not slept that night. He simply cast himself on a chair and stared into the fire as it burned into ashes. He didn't feel the cold of the wind or the warmth of the fire as it blazed. He made no move to get up or even change his sitting position. He stared almost unblinkingly, unknowingly into space as he thought about what had transpired only hours ago.
She knows... She knew... Draco thought.
It was all he could think about. The fact that Hermione Granger knew about what happened, no, what he had done was... unbearable to think of. He thought he could escape it without her ever knowing. But it seemed that the fates had a different idea of how he was going to live his life.
Damn the fates, then! He thought angrily.
His handsome face was set in a grim expression. He gritted his teeth so hard that it hurt so much and he ultimately had to stop. His clenched fists were a different matter, though. When he finally opened them, he found out that his nails had drawn blood from his palms. He knew that it should have stung, but he was ignoring everything, every other pain. Except for the pain in his heart.
And yet, this pain in his heart was the one that hurt the most.
In the few instances of the fates trying to persevere, he thought himself the fool. That he was the one to blame for the heavy ache in his heart. Hermione had simply stumbled upon the page of his journal he thought he'd burned a long time ago. But then, he would dismiss it and return to being angry with her for not telling him... For not asking about what his writings meant...
For not leaving him when she had the chance to do so.
After all, it was what he expected of anyone who happened to know about his pathetic past. Only one person had stuck to his side when Draco had told his sad tale. That person was Goyle.
"Draco!" Called Goyle from beyond the heavy wooden door of Draco's room. Draco did not answer at once and so Goyle had to raise his voice. "Draco, open this door!" Goyle called again as he pounded his fist on the door.
Nothing. Silence.
"Draco! Open the bloody goddamn door! There is something you must know!" Goyle tried again.
Still nothing.
"Draco!!! It's about Hermione..." Goyle said, hoping that it would at least make Draco open the door so that they could speak in normalcy. Goyle was not about to announce it to the whole castle at dawn. And if Goyle knew Draco, which he did, he knew that Draco was still awake.
Goyle took a deep breath, debating his next move. Draco was still up, Goyle knew that. He was just wallowing in his own misery to open the damn door. Hermione still had the key to Draco's room and Goyle knew that she wasn't in the castle premises anymore. The thought of Hermione riding into the harsh night, unarmed and unaware of her surroundings made Goyle's choice of path extremely easy to do.
"Draco! Hermione's gone." Goyle said, in a voice that was loud enough to be heard by Draco, but not anybody else. Goyle counted the seconds before Draco opened the door. Goyle never even got to three before Draco forcefully opened the door and glared at Goyle.
"What in the bloody hell did you just say?" Draco demanded.
"Hermione's gone." Goyle repeated, pushing Draco back so that they would talk privately in Draco's room.
"What do you mean she's gone?!?!" Draco roared, not budging from his position.
"Draco, not here... we're going to wake up the whole household." Goyle said.
"I don't care about the bloody castle!!" Draco yelled. "Where is she?!?"
"She left... she took Starshine and went through your gates to God- knows-where!" Goyle retorted.
Draco's blood ran cold. She left... She left him...
But didn't he tell her to leave him in the first place? Wasn't this what he wanted? He had been angry at her for knowing his past and not leaving him. Now, he was angry at her for actually leaving him?
"Get out of my way." Draco said, his voice was deadly. He glared at Goyle who quickly moved aside and let Draco pass.
"Where are you going?" Goyle asked.
"I never took you for the fool, Goyle." Draco said sarcastically. The only possible way to control his anger was by sarcasm and something more that Draco refused to acknowledge at this point. "But, I think this is an exception." He continued as he went down the stairs, taking three at a time and heading to the ground floor of his castle.
"Well...?" Goyle prompted, huffing and puffing as he tried to catch up with Draco.
"Off to get her, what else?" Draco explained. "Get my cloak and other things I need."
"You need?" Goyle said, stopping in his tracks as they reached the bottom of the stairs and Draco was quickly going to the front doors of the entrance hall. "You can't go alone!"
"If she can, then I can." Draco retorted. "I don't bloody need a goddamn guard when I'm off fetching a goddamn woman!" Draco called out as he headed towards the portcullis. Once there, he called out his soldiers.
"Who's the goddamn soldier who let that damn woman out of my gates?!" Draco roared. He looked at each man and they all had their heads bowed. Then, slowly and shakily, one of his guards raised their hands, not being able to look at his Lord. "Come here." Draco said viciously. The man quickly went up to Draco, still with his head bowed.
"Get me my bloody horse!" He shouted to one guard who quickly sped off. Draco turned back to the guard who had let Hermione out. Goyle had just come up to where Draco was standing; in his hands were Draco's chain mail and cloak. He stopped a few paces from where Draco was standing.
"Did you let her out?" Draco asked.
"Yes, my lord." The man replied in a small voice.
"You know better!" Draco shot back. "You should know better and I should have you hanged for this mistake!!"
The man let out a sound which could only be classified as a squeak.
"But... other matters are pressing and I don't have time for a hanging..." Draco said as he took the chain mail from Goyle and slipped it on along with his cloak. Goyle held the reins of Dusk who was just as grim as his master. A package of food, water and blankets were strapped on to the horse. Draco then got on Dusk and ordered the portcullis to be raised. "Do not get your hopes up, man." Draco said as he was about to ride out. "When I come back, be sure you are ready to compensate for this!"
Without so much as another word, Draco sped towards the outer bailey and the town that awaited him. He had no other thing in mind except to find Hermione.
And wring her neck once he got to her.
* * *
Hermione had cried herself to sleep. When she woke up to the harsh light of the sun breaking through the canopy of trees, she felt the puffiness of her eyes and the sensitivity to light. Hermione rose up to a sitting position and looked around. Starshine was contentedly grazing off the side and her surroundings looked foreign to her in the day.
Or maybe that's because my vision was blurry with tears. She thought as she massaged her shoulders. She had slept on nothing except a patch of grass, using her cloak as a blanket. And she didn't know where in the hell she was.
She had ridden from Draco's castle the night before, only taking Starshine with her. She even managed to escape the guard by making some pathetic story about... she couldn't even remember what she had said. Her mind had been in a daze after what happened between Draco and her.
'Get out. Leave. I don't care anymore.'
His words almost killed her. She cried all the way to the forest a few miles beyond Draco's castle. She merely let Starshine be her guide. Starshine took her here and Hermione got off and settled to sleep at the foot of a tree. She didn't bring any food or water with her, intending to starve to death in the cold forest. After all, she didn't care anymore.
Hermione brought her knees to her chest and laid her forehead on them. She had a terrible headache, one borne from crying too much and not eating. She was so intent on thinking about nothing but her last encounter with Draco that she didn't hear the heavy footsteps on the forest floor, coming towards her in rapid speed.
Suddenly, she was lifted off her feet, courtesy of the two hands grasping her upper arms, and pinned backwards to the trunk of the tree. Hermione didn't even have time to react when she realized that it was Draco who was holding her a few inches above ground. His face was set in an angry expression and his eyes positively blazed with unleashed fury.
"What in the hell were you thinking?!?! Leaving the castle like that!!" Draco roared.
It took Hermione a few moments before she snapped out of her stupor and snapped back at him, wrenching away from his grasp until she dropped to the floor and removed his hands off her.
"What do you mean?! You're the one who told me to get out of your castle!" Hermione shot back. She stood up to her full height and glared at him. "What are you doing here, anyway?!"
"Coming to get you, of course!" Draco retorted.
"What? First you say that I should leave the castle then you're telling me to go back there! I most definitely will not!" Hermione answered.
"And you're simply going to stay here and die?!"
"Why shouldn't I? After all, I am dead to you, aren't I?" Hermione replied.
"If you were dead to me, then why did I bother searching for you since dawn?" Draco countered loudly.
Hermione was silent for a moment. He had searched for her since dawn? And what was it now, noon, perhaps? "I don't know... to come and yell at me to get out of your life? And probably to get me away from your forest as well?" Hermione said sarcastically. She wasn't about to back down and give in... until he explained to her.
"And what would you have done if I hadn't found you?" Draco asked, changing the current flow of the topic. "Sit here and die?!"
"Doesn't sound like a bad idea to me..." Hermione remarked. "I was about to do that, actually, if you hadn't come here."
"So you want me to leave you? Is that it?"
"Yes!" Hermione cried out... even though her mind and heart were telling her otherwise.
Draco looked uncertain for a moment, as if he were pondering on her words and trying to come to a decision. He looked back at her. When she glared at him, mostly for keeping up her harsh exterior, he almost turned away and walked towards his horse. Almost.
His next words were like a phoenix' song to Hermione's ears.
"I can't." Draco said in a softer tone. "I want to and I'll be damned for it... but I can't leave you be." He looked at her. All traces of anger and fury were gone from his eyes. He simply looked... hurt. He looked away after that, probably realizing that he had exposed so much emotion to her. Emotion he didn't know he possessed.
Hermione wanted to cry. She wanted to cry for him; because her heart ached so much but she knew it wasn't as much as how his heart ached. It ached for her. She realized. And she wanted all his hurt to be gone.
Taking a deep breath, she placed a tentative hand on his arm and said, "Then why don't we sit down and you can tell me what I did wrong."
Draco looked back into Hermione's face and nodded. He noticed Hermione's cloak lying beside their feet and bent down, brushed it off and placed it around her shoulders. He then told her to wait as he got the blanket, food and water from Dusk who was grazing with Startshine a few yards away. When he came back to Hermione, he laid out the blanket and told her to sit on it. When she did, he did the same and gave her the food and drink.
"Eat." He told her as he gave her food. "You must be hungry."
"What about you? You're hungry as well." Hermione pointed out but took the package anyway. She was delighted to find out that the package consisted of sweet pastries and bread. Hermione couldn't help but smile as she placed the experience to memory. This was their first 'picnic' after all.
"What I hunger for cannot be satisfied by food alone." Draco said, looking at her with a steady gaze. It was those eyes again, looking at her with such intensity, Hermione didn't know what to make of all of it.
"Then what do you hunger for?" She asked as she ate and drank.
"Would you want to know the good things or the bad first?" Draco asked her, a hint of a smile crossed his features. Hermione smiled at him as well.
"I can take a guess." She replied. "Revenge?"
He nodded and took a deep breath. Hermione was quick to assure him. "Then tell me, so I can understand." She prodded.
"Madigan Durant killed my father, Lucius Malfoy." Draco said after a few silent moments. "Durant was supposed to marry my mother in an arranged marriage. But on the eve of their wedding, my father and mother escaped to Scotland."
Hermione stilled when she heard all this. Eve of their wedding? Hermione repeated in her mind. She couldn't help but make the connection to her own life. Of course, her wedding was never an arranged marriage, but she really couldn't help equate it to Draco's parents' situation.
It was crazy and amazing at the same time. Narcissa was supposed to marry Madigan, but on the eve of their wedding, Lucius whisked her off to Scotland. It was like her own life. She was supposed to marry Ron, but on the eve of their wedding, she was having doubts... and somehow, she was transported to the 1300's and met Draco.
Hermione snapped back to reality as Draco continued.
"Fifteen years later, when I was thirteen, Durant and his army attacked our home. My father told my mother and me to escape..."
"Where did you go?" Hermione asked.
"We set out for France." Draco said. "But, we stayed with a few townsfolk in England who were kind enough to let us stay a while when we were in hiding."
"How long were you in hiding?"
"About a year." Draco answered. "It was enough for me to track down Madigan and..." He trailed off.
"And?" Hermione prompted.
"And kill him." Draco replied.
Hermione looked down, taking deep breaths. She made no judgment, no argument. She simply wanted to hear him and she could understand his situation. He surely didn't think that she would get angry at him for what he had done in the past. Could he?
She was met with stark realization when she remembered how he had reacted when he found out that she knew about his past. He did think that she would hate him... And she knew that she didn't. In fact, she was feeling the exact opposite of hate.
"Have I disgusted you yet?" He asked. There was a dangerous and almost fearful tone in the way he said it. He was scared of her turning away from him... She realized suddenly.
"Why should I be disgusted?" Hermione asked softly, gently regarding him.
He looked at her sharply and confusion briefly invaded his features. "Because I'm a murderer."
"You're not a murderer." Hermione replied.
"I am." Draco insisted. "Because I did not only kill Madigan, I killed his brothers and uncles and every single Durant ever since my younger days... I should be hanged... if it weren't for their own sins."
"What do you mean?"
"Some of the Durant men were known for taking advantage of poor young women. They also tortured for no reason at all." Draco said.
"Then they deserve to die." Hermione stated.
"That may be so... but I have killed." Draco said. "I have sinned... and there is still one last Durant."
"Who is he?"
"Gareth. Madigan's only son." Draco said bitterly. "I have never met him or seen him. But he knows who I am. When I am through with him, -"
"You would kill yourself." Hermione softly finished for him, remembering the page from Draco's journal.
Draco nodded, not wanting to meet her gaze. "I do not deserve to live after what I have done."
"What about me?" Hermione asked. "What would become of me when you decide to end your life?"
Draco forced himself to look at her. "You would go and find another man." He said decidedly. "Someone who is worthy of you. You would have a better life and-"
Hermione had enough so she interrupted him. "You don't think I've already found the man I've been looking for my whole life?"
"Who?" Draco couldn't help but ask.
She smiled at him, trying not to laugh. He didn't think that she loved him? "You, of course."
Draco looked shocked... and he was rendered speechless. So Hermione continued.
"Did you really think, no wait, did you really expect me to leave you after I found out about your past?" Hermione asked.
Draco nodded.
"Where am I right now, Draco?"
"Right here."
"And I'm not going anywhere." Hermione declared. "I only left you because I was hurt after what you said. I left you yesterday because I was angry at you... but now..."
"Now?"
"I think..." Hermione stopped herself. "No... I know I love you." And she smiled sweetly at him.
Draco swallowed. He looked at her for a long time, trying to see if she was not sure about what she said. But he found no evidence of her not saying the truth. She did love him. After all he said and his past, she loved him.
"You can't love me..." Draco rasped. "I'm a murderer."
"No, you're not." Hermione insisted. "What's past is past. We can't change it, Draco. But I don't care about your past. In the months I've known you, you've shown me nothing but tenderness and care and concern..." And hopefully, love. She finished in her head.
"I can't escape it, Hermione." Draco said. "I see their deaths in my mind, I hear their screams for mercy... their blood taints my hands..."
"Then see only me, Draco. Then think only of me." Hermione said, coming closer to him until only a few inches separated them. "Then hear only my voice... and hold me in your hands and heart."
She then took one of his hands and laid it over her heart. She looked up at his shocked face and smiled up at him.
"I belong to you, Draco. No matter what happens, no matter what did happen before, I belong to you and only you." Tears welled up in Hermione's eyes and they slowly flowed down to her cheeks as she said those words fervently. "You have my heart, my mind, my body and my soul. I am yours, Draco Malfoy."
She looked up at him with such love and trust that he couldn't say anything at first. So, he simply put his other hand on her cheek and brushed away her tears which were flowing freely now.
"Please don't cry, Hermione." Draco said softly.
"I'm sorry for crying..." She said.
"Hermione...?"
"Yes?"
Draco took a deep breath. "If I promise you that I would protect you with my life, and look forward to each day just to see you and be with you, and..." Draco paused and took another deep breath. "And love you with all that I am... will you marry me?" He looked at her with a bit of apprehension and fear in his eyes.
Hermione was speechless... the she cried more tears and smiled through them. "Yes... yes!" Hermione answered as she placed her arms around his neck and hugged him for dear life.
When she pulled slightly away to look at him, he smiled and kissed her. The kiss was deep and hard and passionate and the most beautiful thing ever. The intensity of kisses they shared before was multiplied about a hundred times, mostly because they finally admitted to themselves that they did love each other.
After a few minutes, they broke apart and realized that they were leaning towards the blanket-covered forest floor. Draco was about to straighten up when Hermione grabbed the front of his clothes and pulled him close. Draco placed his hands on her back to keep her from falling.
Hermione looked up to his eyes and smiled before softly speaking.
"Make love to me, Draco Malfoy."