Chapter 3: I Was Bitten- By a Lizard

Disastrous was about the only word Severus could use to describe meeting the first of his "potential brides" and there was absolutely no way he would willingly see Marmalade Cobbleknocker ever again. Severus shuddered at the memory of her vapid personality and shrew-like voice. How someone with a name like that even got on the list in the first place— that he would never know. It obviously wasn't because of anything remotely resembling compatibility between them.

The dubious pleasure of her company had at least been easily remedied with one swift drop of his glamour, which had sent the silly witch scurrying for the exit with satisfyingly extreme haste, screaming all the way.

There were certain advantages to having the face of Severus Snape, after all. If she tried to bring charges against him for impersonating the goblin king— well, he looked forward to that should it come to pass.

He nearly tripped over Granger when he came across her kneeling in a stone meditation circle in one of the lowermost unfinished vaults.

No.

No, he did actually trip.

"Oh my— Merlin, I am so sorry, Professor!"

"I'm the one who tripped!"

"But I was in your way!"

"I wasn't paying attention to where I was going, Miss Granger. That is not your fault."

Hermione dropped the stone she had in her lap and helped him up. "I'm sorry."

"What were you doing?"

"Oh— stone transfiguration."

"You didn't figure that out at Hogwarts?"

"Well, yes, but—" Hermione looked up at him a bit sheepishly. "Goblin vaults have to be created with goblin magic. I'm—" She sighed. "I just can't seem to get the meditation right."

"You're learning goblin magic?"

"Trying to, yes." Hermione sighed. "I'm starting to think I'm a failure."

"You're not a goblin, so I'd hardly think that means you're a failure for experiencing difficulty in learning goblin magic."

Hermione slumped.

"Are you indebted?"

Hermione frowned. "What? Oh— no. I paid off my debt to the Nation after that— well, I'm sure you read all about it in the Prophet ."

"I did," Snape said with a gusty sigh. "It was very brave of you to step forward to face Goblin justice. Many would far rather do anything but. They are not the most forgiving by reputation. But, if you are not indebted— may I ask, why are you here?"

"I was bitten by a vault lizard."

"Pardon?"

Hermione made a face. "I was helping move a few things from the vaults on the twenty-third quarter level and I was bitten by a bright blue vault lizard." She frowned. "It had emerald wings, glowing purple eyes, and quite a surprising number of very white and very sharp teeth."

Snape stared at her, black eyes going wide. "I've heard stories of them, but I have yet to see them."

Hermione smiled a bit sheepishly. "Their bite is apparently seen as a blessing," she added. "Comes with a few odd side effects, though. Extreme sensitivity to light. Speaking in, ah, lizard. And lizards apparently like to nest in my hair."

A blue-winged lizard popped out of Hermione's curls and hissed at Snape.

Hermione's eyes went really wide. "I am so sorry!" she apologised, hastily shoving the lizard back into her hair.

"No worries. I have no idea what it said." Severus arched a brow.

"She's, erm… nesting," Hermione said with an awkward grimace.

"In your— hair?" Snape asked, looking rather fascinated.

Hermione rubbed the bridge of her nose. "She doesn't trust the walls."

"This is the very heart of the Goblin Nation— the entire place is nothing but walls."

Hermione shrugged. "Look, I'm sorry for accidentally tripping you up. Can I get you a coffee in the cafe as an apology of sorts?"

Snape tilted his head. He tried to say something and then stopped. "I suppose?"

Hermione sighed with relief. "Brilliant. Let me just—" She leaned down to pick up the stone she was working with.

"I am sure there are a great many stones around. You needn't worry about that one."

Hermione flushed. "Sorry. I just— I think I'm going to have Master Frothic take a look at this particular one. I've tried to earthmute it, but— there's, I don't know, something off about it. Something odd. It— I've tried it with multiple stones from this floor, and they all seem to— hate me."

Severus gave her the eyebrow, indicating for her to go on.

Hermione stared at the floor, trying to put it into words. "It's a bit hard to explain. Most goblins just pick up a rock and mute it. I can't. I have to— convince it to help me. This level— it just refuses to talk to me."

"So, why use this level to test your skills? Why set yourself up for failure."

Hermione scratched her head. "I need to know."

"Stubborn," Snape said dryly. "Just like a goblin."

Hermione jerked her head up, but then she realised he wasn't being unkind. "Coffee then?"

Snape allowed Hermione to lead him to the cafe a few levels up, marvelling at how her eyes required no torch or lantern. A beady pair of suspicious lizard eyes glowered at him from her lair in Hermione's hair, the violet glow casting odd shadows amidst Hermione's curls.

The goblin cafeteria was open all hours, but only those who lived and worked with the goblins knew it existed.

"Ca'gakra te," Hermione called to the goblin behind the counter.

The goblin bared his teeth and nodded as Hermione and Snape sat down together at a table near the central fountain.

Hermione picked up a biscuit from the basket on the table and broke it in half, dipped one half into the mysterious-looking sauce on the table. She offered him one half, and he took it in his fingers gingerly.

"I like the purple sauce the best," Hermione commented. "The red is a bit too much like trying to eat molten dragonfire."

Snape nibbled on the biscuit with an arched brow but said nothing.

The goblin from the front counter brought over the fragrant coffees and set them down. "Late night, Bu'danak?"

"Always, Gar'galla."

The goblin looked at Snape and looked like he was going to say something.

"I'll take it black, thank you," Snape said to Gar'galla.

The goblin bared his teeth and disappeared back behind the counter.

"What was that he called you?" Snape asked.

Hermione flushed pink. "Bu'danak? It means— Bushsnarl." She pointed to her headful of wild bushy curls. "Elder Warfang named me when he lost a quill in my hair and I walked off with it. Unknowingly. I didn't realise, and he was practically tearing apart his entire office looking for his favourite quill."

She sighed. "Elder Gurgalla found it the next morning, waving it at Warfang with a shite-eating grin on his face. I was the talk of Gringotts for weeks after that one. My hair was a quill-eater."

Snape was making snorting sounds, and Hermione looked to see that her old Potions teacher was actually laughing at her. "Your hair is— infamous."

Hermione slumped. "Now it's even worse. I have vault lizards nesting in it. I tried to go on a date Harry set up for me with one of his Auror mates after Ron found his dream wife in Brandy, the new cook at the Leaky. Anyway, the lizards pounced on his dinner, cleaned his plate for him, and chased him away. He finally had to jump into the Thames to escape them."

"Did they bite him?" Severus asked, visibly amused.

Hermione snorted at that, covering her mouth apologetically. "They said there was no way they would ever bite someone as manky as him. They had no idea where he'd been."

The lizards in her hair seemed to snort collectively in agreement.

They sipped their coffees in silence for a few minutes.

"Not to be like a certain feline Animagus, but what do you plan to do when the bite finally wears off?"

Hermione seemed to become somewhat sullen at that. "I rather like living and learning here, but— I suppose if there is no place left for me after the effects of the bite are gone, then I guess I'll have to find another job somewhere else outside of the Nati-OW!"

Hermione rubbed her ear where a purple lizard had just chomped it. "You naughty creature!"

Snape smirked down into his coffee mug. "Looks like you will be staying with the Nation a bit longer."

Hermione winced. "Precisely how long does their venom stay in the system anyway?"

"Months, or so I've been told. At least you were only bitten by one."

"AACKKKK!"Hermione cried as an assortment of colourful vault lizards crawled out of her hair and gave both of her ears a good, solid bite.

Severus could have sworn that the lizards in question looked downright smug.

Hermione huffed, blowing a curl out of her eyes. "So, what are you doing here, sir?"

Snape sighed. "I have… certain obligations to fulfil for the goblin people."

Hermione smiled. "So you're contracted then."

Snape tilted his head. "Everyone has a contract with the Goblin Nation in some form or another."

Hermione chuckled. "I believe you're right."