Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed last chapter. Enjoy!
Chapter 40
"Relief"
They had trudged back to the hut after the burial. Anders had been stuck in an empty trance, as if he was six feet under, not Renee. They had given him his space by not talking to him, but Fiera had her arm around him and held him close. Starfire was simply ignoring everyone and everything around her. She kept her head down and said nothing. She scarcely breathed either. They were all frozen with the fear of the answer to this one question: What next?
Once at the hut they all went inside and sat at the kitchen table. They all wanted to be alone, but at the same time, they wanted the comfort each other could give. Finally, Anders got up and went to his room. Starfire and Fiera stared at the table top. They could hear his door shut as quiet as he could. They could also hear the small bed creak loudly as he fell onto it. Starfire rose to go to her room also. She didn't make it as secretive as her older brother. The loud resounding SLAM! echoed through the hut. Fiera stared at the table before rising and also going to her room. She needed some sleep, some escape. They all did.
Anders was sprawled out on his small bed, a picture of Renee resting on his stomach. He had stared at it for an hour now, reliving memories in his head.
This was going to be hard, he knew it was. But he had plans.
I'm coming Renee.
Starfire was mad, angry, pissed, but most of all, miserable. Why couldn't she have a happy life? She realized how selfish these thoughts were, but she didn't care. She fell asleep with all these thoughts mixing around in her head.
Fiera had also drifted into a troubled slumber. Her arm was, as it always was, draped across the other side of the bed, beckoning her long passed love back to her. She dreamed of him and wondered what would be different if he was still with them.
Meanwhile, Anders had left for the lake.
As Anders walked in the forest, traveling to the lake, he wondered what he was going to do next. What was his next move? He finally reached it, her grave. Her tomb stone read:
Renee
-
The Bride will be Reborn to her Own
He stood over it, no tears coming to his eyes this time. He was imagining the good times they had. Their date on the boat, their training sessions, their first kiss. Anders lay down next to the soft, fresh soil and stared up at the darkening sky that hung above him. He closed his eyes and soon fell into a deep slumber, feeling protected by her.
Starfire woke up from her sleep with a lurch in her stomach. She felt like vomiting. She rushed outside and up-chucked all over the green grass that recently had died. Starfire leaned against the house and tried to fight the dizzy swirls that were encasing her sight. Once she had overcome the sickness, she went to the well and washed out her mouth a few times to get some of the awful taste out.
She steadied herself once again and walked inside. She went back to her bed and sat at her desk. She had imagined that same hellish nightmare. This time she had made it away from her imaginary-evil brother, so he had gone for her mother. The result was gruesome, this was the reason she had thrown up.
She felt the odd urge to check on her mother to see if she was okay. When she went in she found her mother laying on her stomach covered up with her arm on the spot where her father used to sleep. Oh Miyu, this sight always made her want to cry.
But that was for later for right now she had to get to Anders. No telling what he was planning this time.
She softly, yet desperately shook her mother. Fiera jumped awake immediately, panting heavily. Starfire gave a yelp before her mother gently patted her on the back.
"I'm sorry, I just had a nightmare, that's all."
"That's alright, but Anders is gone, he's not in his room or anything!"
Fiera put her head in her hands. She sat like that for a while before rising up from the bed and going to the closet to grab a jacket.
"Let's go."
"But we don't know where he went."
Fiera turned to look at her daughter for a moment, still heading towards the front door.
"Of course we do Star."
And with that they left to retrieve Anders.
Anders felt the first raindrop when he woke up. It was followed by a soft chorus of water orbs, which tended to dishearten him even more as they soaked his lover's grave. He felt, once again, that heart-wrenching ache that he hated so much. He wanted to hold her, to stroke her, to posses her in all aspects.
For a few moments he remembered. He remembered her in his arms when he had that vision, or was it reality? He still wasn't positive only that Renee had seen there in his arms and him in hers. It was an unforgettable moment they had shared. He had memorized her heat, her scent, he self. He relived this holiday in his mind and he felt, if only for a mere moment, as if she were here, with him, once again.
It was all too much. How much was one person supposed to take? He had made his decision, he had made it a long time ago. He chose happiness, he chose life, he chose her. And with that he prepared for a reunion.
Fiera and Renee had left the house only to have it rain minutes later after they departed. They rushed back to the house to get jackets and an umbrella to share. They jogged to their destination now, braving the wind and the water.
He was ready. He had all the supplies. The reunion was about to commence. His bloody relief, his release, his hope. It was here. After such a long while, he was about to be with her again. He had the gun in hand, the note was written, the words about to be confirmed in blood. He was about to end his life to be with her.
He was looking at the sky now, rain falling into his eyes. But he didn't care, it was just water, cleansing water. But nothing here could cleanse him, only she could. He had come so close to death before, she was there with him, in his arms. Oh Miyu, the agony of her slipping away again! But not this time, he was going to be with her forever and forever more.
He readied himself. He laid the note on the grave. He looked at her grave. He laid down next to her. He looked at the sky, where her spirit resided. He watched the rain fall. He put one bullet in the chamber, it was all that he would need. He put the gun to his temple.
And he hesitated. He lowered the gun. Anders thought of his mother and Starfire. But then he remembered Renee, and he raised the gun once again.
He cried, he trembled, he shook. A tear rolled down his cheek. At first they were tears of fear, but they were quickly replaced by tears of happiness.
He was terrified, he was about to die, even if it was for love. He thought of their first kiss. Her warn embrace, her soft lips brushing against his, the simple but ever so sweet happiness it brought. That's where he drew his confidence from. Her, all for her.
He put his finger on the trigger. He wore a smile he had radiated when all went right, when Renee was there, when his family was with him, when he was with friends, with Tendra. He felt the gun, feeling its clean, cool metal with his hand, his hand shaking. Then he slowly pulled the trigger, squeezing it with uttermost care, as if not to bruise it. He felt the cold metal enter his head.
He seemed shocked at first, surprised and still. But no matter what he still retained his smile, it broadened with every passing moment. Then he went limp and fell to the ground. Anders landed into the soft, green grass with a soft plop, as if he were plunging into pillows with optimum trust. The gun was still in his hand.
His last moments consisted of him staring up into the sky with his life showing like a movie before his eyes, projecting itself into the rain covered skies. His soft brown tufts of hair blew in the wind and were dampened in the rain. And he closed those emerald eyes of his, never to open them again. He was gone, up to her.
He was next to her in the end, he always had been. That same completely blissful smile encrusted his face, to stay there for all eternity. His soul floated up to heaven.
I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I
died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she
could try
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I
see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And
all the smiles that are ever ever...
Ever...
Get
the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At
the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies
At the end
of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming
home
Never coming home
Could I? should I?
And all the
things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are
ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could
I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For
all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me
If I fall
If I
fall (down)
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I
see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never
coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never
ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never
coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the
wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are
never gonna...
Anders had finally found his relief.
Starfire and Fiera were running through the forest just as the shot was fired. They both ran faster, not wanting to look at each other to confirm what they both denied to be evidently true.
They arrived at the grave where their son and brother lay lifeless, a gun laying useless in his hand. Fiera ran up to him and stared down at her little boy, lifeless on the moist ground in front of her. It was too much, it was too little, it was everything mixed into one. She felt so overwhelmed, like she never had before. It got to her, it drove into her skin, and she screamed.
She screamed like she had never screamed in her life. She collapsed to her knees and crawled to him. She was reaching out to touch his face, it was so pale… She stopped before she made contact with his drained flesh. She couldn't feel him. She sobbed and screamed. Shrieked and shouted. Wept and mourned. Starfire had not moved since seeing this heart wrenching sight. It froze her, chilled her to the bone. She had shut down, trying to comprehend this in whatever way possible.
Fiera stroked her son's face and brought him to her. She rocked his cold body back and forth in her arms, almost as if lulling him to sleep. Her son was dead. It was every mother's nightmare come horribly true.
"Oh Miyu, no, no, no. Please Anders, why?"
Starfire had dragged herself over to them now.
"You didn't have to do it, Anders, you really didn't. She loved you, she's gone. We love you… none of this makes sense…"
Star quivered and shook. Suddenly she screamed again.
"Why do you do this Anders! I hate you! I hate you! It's your fault, I'm glad your screwed up and shot yourself! I'm glad she died!"
She slumped next to him and slowly reached out to touch his face, tears were rolling down her cheeks now. Fiera stared at her, contemplating what she had just screamed out. Starfire held his lifeless hand with her shaking one. She shook her head and stoked it, mentally asking him to forgive her.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that Anders. I love you, I've always loved you.."
Fiera grabbed her daughter and pulled her into a hug. They wept together and held him together. That's when Starfire noticed the note.
She picked it up off the moist soil. She handed it to her mother. Fiera read it slowly, tears running down her cheeks and falling into her lap as they had been for quite some time now. She opened her eyes wide and verbally said the last address: "All My Love, Anders." She set it down and looked into his face, as if the answers were hidden there. Fiera handed it to Starfire. The note was as follows:
Dear loved one,
First of all, I wish the entirety of my love and care for you. If you are reading this note, you know I have chosen to end my life with this bullet to be with my bride, Renee. Also, know that I have carefully thought over my decision and have chosen what I have wanted to do since the day she was taken from me. Also, know that with this passing comes a new beginning for me. Don't worry mother, I'll be alright. I love you. Be happy Star, and thank you for caring for me even when I didn't acknowledge you for it. I'm with Renee and Dad now, once again, be happy.
All My Love, Anders.
P.S.- Please bury me next to her.
Starfire looked up in the morning sky after setting it back down on the grave and saw Anders being greeted by Renee at the gate. He ran up to her and scooped her small yet strong frame into his muscular arms. They locked themselves in a loving hug. He set her down and gazed into her deep, kind eyes and they exchanged a passionate, burning kiss full of love and happiness. They parted lips and walked hand in hand into heaven's gates. where he and Renee existed happily together for, as Anders had hoped, the rest of eternity.
They both gazed down at his cold, unmoving figure and analyzed the letter silently. After they had seemed to realize its meaning, they began the dim and gruesome task of taking his body to the Mastry for preparation.
They had a small funeral for him, with Starfire and Fiera, a few people from the Mines, Gordando, and Renee's parents. They went through the same rituals and rites as Renee's funeral. Everyone at the funeral shed tears, even the Mastry and Farse.
They went to Renee's burial site with Gordando and Jorere rolling his sleek, black coffin, just like Renee's. He was placed over the hole, everyone terrified and sobbing now. His body in the coffin was lowered into the grave, to remain there next to his love.
There was a hush as Meloni played Amazing Grace on her harpi. It was deep and smooth, beautifully intense like a storm. He was almost down, Starfire could almost imagine the smile he had worn and it still being on his face, she imagined his happiness. And she didn't cry anymore. Absolutely she was sad, but she knew this was the right thing to do. Be happy he had said. And that's just what she planned to do.
After he was down there, the people came to pay their respects and left. They knew the family needed to be alone. Fiera had her arm around Starfire and they were both looking at his coffin. They dropped the flowers into the pit that now housed their brother and son's body. Then Starfire took an object out of her dress pocket. It was a picture of the entire family, Deramus and Blackfire too.
She let it flutter into the depths of the grave. They took one last look at the coffin and left. Fiera was crying, but maybe it was of relief that her son was happy. They walked home in silence and a blanket of gloom and relief softly covering them.
His tombstone read:
Anders
-
He Is With Her
Author's Note: The song was "Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance. Man, this chapter was hard to write because of all the emotions that went into it. Only 2 chapters left or so. Thanks for the reviews, keep 'em coming! I hope you liked it, see you next chapter.