Through Truthful Eyes
Written by: Somnion
Disclaimer: I do not own Radiata Stories or the characters
This story takes place immediately after the events from my other fanfic 'My Swan Alicia'. This will be seen through Alicia's point of view. The basic idea of this story is about Alicia's feelings, thoughts and worries concerning Dennis. I actually wanted to join this fic with 'My Swan Alicia', but I didn't want to let the story seem like it was dragged so I split in two parts. Now without further ado, I shall begin the fanfic.
I close the door as I smile and wave goodnight to him. The door finally comes to a close, yet I do not leave nor stray away from it. I wait and listen patiently to the sound of his footsteps as he walks away. It has been like this for many years, these feelings that I can't seem to come to terms with. When did I first start experiencing these emotions has become a mystery now, even to me, for it feels as if I had always felt this way all my life.
Finally, the footsteps fade away and silence looms over me. I leave the room and prepare for bed. My mind has been… cluttered, filled with so many unspoken feelings and emotions, all of them unorganized and misplaced. I don't like feeling unorganized and misplaced, it makes it hard to think and it brings my mood down at times as well. Ever since I was young, I was taught that it was befit of a woman to always be cheerful and charming. That was my upbringing. Yet, these feelings which I can't seem to find the right words to explain with make it hard to do, making me nervous and anxious. I look at my bed, hoping that rest would grant me respite from my unsure emotions, yet I know that it won't. These thoughts can keep up late into the night sometimes and can even penetrate through my most sacred sanctuary which are my dreams.
My eyes trace around the room, landing on a picture of me and him, placed in a silver frame next to my bed. It was the picture we took when Triton Squad was formed. Dennis had removed his veil and helmet for that photograph, partly due to my insistence of him to remove his facial armor. Picking up the picture, I lay my eyes on Dennis's face. I begin to feel my eyes softening as I trace my fingers along his face. I feel a shy smile creeping across my lips, the heat rising in my cheeks, slowly turning them to a hue of pink at the sight of his serious eyes.
My eyes move away from the picture I hold in my hand and lay themselves on the bed. The bed which I now hold my gaze on holds many dear memories of me and him, for it was on this very bed that we had first spoken to each other. The bed which I had cleaned and wrapped his wounds for the first time. The very bed which the two of us laughed together for the first time. I barely knew him but somehow, at the time, I felt so serene and at peace with him by my side. When I look back at our meeting, it all seems so wonderful that I can't seem to put in words; although when I had met him then, I hadn't developed these feelings for him yet. He always seemed so quiet; a man of few words. Simply by looking at him, anyone would get the impression that he was the strong and quiet type. I was afraid at first, he seemed so cold and hid all his emotions and barely talked to anyone. Yet, when we spoke, I learned that he was rather easy to talk to. He smiled, the first time I had ever saw his smile, and he seemed so different from the man I met at the guild. He was a complete gentleman with impeccable manners and spoke only as much as he needed to. I wonder if it was because of his cultured ways which I could relate to was when I first began to develop feelings for him. We spoke for hours that night.
Putting down the picture, I pulled out an album from one of the drawers. As I sit on the bed, I scan through the many pictures in the album. This is a special album, for it containes pictures of the two of us. I have a rather childish habit of taking pictures at every possible chance I get. I guess it's something that I hadn't grown out off; most people tend to lose their patience with me because of it, yet Dennis just smiles every time I ask to take a picture with him. I always felt that our relationship as sergeant and corporal was more like a mutual partnership. After all, it was Dennis who had shown me the ropes of Theater Vancoor. When the Triton Squad was formed, he transferred immediately, despite the dissatisfaction of the Deputy Chief. Although many people had credited me about my fighting ability, at the time, I had no experience whatsoever on the basics of command and strategy. He said to me that day, that since I was now a sergeant, he would help me with the basics of commanding a squad. Everything that I learnt about command, strategy and leadership was all thanks to Dennis.
Dennis had always been, as far as I could remember, an extremely responsible person. Despite being burdened with heavy duties, he always brings results even if all odds were stacked against us. His calm and collected manner, coupled with his ability to judge and analyze a situation without going into a panic always amazes and inspires me. His compassion and love for living creatures, flowers and animals, seems to radiate an aura of serenity that leaves my heart at peace. I believe it is thanks to him, that even in the worst of situations, I can still remain as carefree as I usually am. With him by my side, I always have this feeling that I will be alright, no matter what happens. I have been taught to smile in the hardest of times, because a smiling and caring face can lift the sorrows within a person's heart and help others find relief from the trials that life prepares for us and sometimes it is not an easy thing to do. However, whenever I see him and think of all the times we had spent together, I learn that even through the darkest of times I can still find the strength to smile for others.
After a while, I begin to realize how late the night is and I return the album to its original place. I head for the dresser and pull out my favorite nightgown. As I lay my clothes on the bed, I remove my gloves and place them on the table. I then remove my armor, skirt and boots and walk into the bathroom. I open the shower as I step into the bathroom and let the water cool before I get in. The spray of water feels warm against my body. Yet, even in here, I can't seem to stop thinking about him sometimes. If we were married, would I be alone in here? Would he also be here, by my side? Would he be holding me close to him? I want to let him see everything uncovered but would it be alright? I wonder if Dennis would… like my body? I wonder if… he would accept me? The idea of giving myself up to him, leaving myself and my body completely at his mercy, it seems both terrifying and also exhilarating. I cut myself away from these horrid and vulgar thoughts as realize what I have been thinking. I sometimes can't believe myself thinking of such improper thoughts, thoughts so unbefitting for a young lady. I close the shower and dry off with a towel, wiping my hair thoroughly so as I don't catch a cold tomorrow. I don't think I'll be able to be my usual cheerful self tomorrow if I caught a cold.
"I guess I don't do colds very well…"
I giggle at my silliness, talking to myself like that, as I change into my sleepwear. This innocent silliness, I guess, is something little girls don't grow out of. I guess there is still a little girl in every woman. We tend to act naïve like that sometimes, perhaps more so than usual in my case. As I reminisce on my younger years, I can remember the times I would dream of my wedding day, the day I would walk down the aisle, to wear the dress of holy matrimony, the dream of every little girl. Since I was still child I… have always thought of how my future husband would be like. Rather silly when you think about it, yet it still means a lot to me. I giggle at myself when I try to picture him, my future husband, and I find myself blushing at the thought. My future husband will be just a little shy, yet he won't usually show that part of him very often. He's really very nice and even when I act silly like this, he'll just smile at me, gazing with his soft eyes.
As I lie on the bed, I recall the dreams that haunt me some nights. I dream about the time we spent together in this house; yet the dreams that come are completely different from what had truly happened, absolutely and utterly horrifying. In the dreams, no matter what I say, no matter what I do, he wouldn't say anything or respond to me. He seems so cold and lonely, his eyes seem dead to all emotion. I try to break the ice; I serve him tea to try to get him to talk to me and cheer him up with jokes and funny stories. However, there is nothing I can do; his mood never changes, leaving me feeling trapped and powerless. Just when I feel myself choking on the atmosphere and the tears that fall from my eyes, I wake up and find myself in my room, crying in real life. These feelings, the feelings of fear, terrified that he won't accept me, they really hurt. But I have faith because in my heart, I have always believed that he really is the one. The one whom my heart, body and my entire person would belong to. The one whom I would exchange vows with one day. The one whom I will continue to love until my dying day.
Tonight the dreams will seize me again but I'll be alright. I'll always be fine because I believe in him and that one day, my true feelings will be conveyed to him and he will know that my love for him is true, as they come shining through truthful eyes.
Owari