In the waning hours of the day that changed her life forever, Ella leaned over the veranda at the front of the telan and took a deep breath. Wearily, she lowered herself to the floor and allowed her legs to dangle over the edge. The wooden deck squeaked in response. It was a minor difficulty to make the move with the bottle of wine balancing in her grasp. The telan she was staying in was not her childhood home. Nor was it Taerion's abode. Ella had never imagined she would be living somewhere that was not one of those two places. Yet here she was, in one of Lothlorien's guest telans. Alone. The thought had hit her as the movers brought her belongings to the temporary lodgings. She could not stomach returning to the marchwarden's home, so movers had been enlisted. As they deposited her personal affects in the middle of the living room, several of the elves had given her inquisitive looks. The news of her parentage must not have reached them yet. They were surely wondering why the marchwarden daughter, who was scheduled to move in with her betrothed, was now going to live alone. As her mind went to correct herself to the fact that she was not actually the marchwarden's daughter, Ella suddenly realized that she had neither parent. She was an orphan.
She'd had a few hours to get used to the idea now. Her life had been completely upended, though the pieces had not yet settled. She'd grown up within a close-knit family unit. Now, she had no parents. Tomorrow, she'd have to face the scandal that her newly discovered parentage would attract. She did not look forward to it with any pleasure. But tomorrow's arrival was as sure as the sun's movements. Thus, she took a swig from the bottle of wine beside her. It dulled her senses ever so slightly, making her pain just a bit bearable.
The scuffling sound of steps coming up the stairs to her telan drew Ella's attention. Her eyes narrowed with hostility. She was in no mood to speak to anyone.
"Ella? Thank goodness, I finally found you!" Ruven exclaimed.
Taking another swig of wine to prepare for a conversation she was in no mood of having, Ella replied: "How did you find me?"
"I simply thought about where I'd go if I needed a place to stay. Mind you, I looked at a few other places already. Ada will be relieved when I send word. He's been worried sick."
The mention of the marchwarden hit a raw nerve. "He's not my father! He is yours, but not mine!"
Calmly, Ruven stood his ground. "I'm still your brother and I am worried for you too."
Ella was going to correct Ruven that he was her half brother, but decided against it. She didn't have the energy to have another argument. "Please tell Haldir to stay away from me. I can't be near him right now."
Quietly, Ruven sat beside his sister, dangling his legs over the balcony also. "Everyone's worried about you."
"They needn't be." Ella said, shaking her head fiercely. How could people who claim they loved her deceive her as they have? She didn't want their worry.
"Ada is beside himself; I've never seen him like this."
Her anger was a fire that broke through her best efforts. "Do not speak to me about him anymore! He has lied to me, my whole life Ruven. Do you know how it feels to have your very roots ripped from you?" Ella responded, her voice shaking. The shame of the marchwarden's last words to her were not forgotten.
"Ella, there can be no doubt he loves you!" Ruven protested.
"That is not what love is" Ella retorted. They would not be coming to an agreement this night, nor any night for quite some time.
In the healer's telan that night, Taerion lay. The pain had dulled a little after a tincture had been tipped down his throat. It was the most excruciating pain he had ever felt; worse than an orc blade. This pain was not a flesh wound. Ella had severed their bond, at the very moment he was trying to reach her within it. The result was a fire within his very soul. At first, he thought he might fade as one does when their bond mate is gone. Though they had not yet married, Taerion's heart had chosen Ella some time ago. He was disappointed to discover that he would linger, on the technicality that they had not been married or joined.
Slowly, painfully, Taerion reached for the glass of water at his bed stand. The sweats from the waves of pain had parched his lips. The task was harder than he anticipated. Just as he was reaching the limits of his strength, another hand lifted the glass. Following the arm holding the glass up to its owner, Taerion automatically straightened.
"You must rest now" Haldir said quietly, trying to put his lieutenant at ease. Taerion's habit of coming to attention whenever Haldir was present was centuries in practice. Gently, the Marchwarden brought the waterglass to the younger's lips. He drank hungrily for a long moment, quenching a thirst that had built up from hours of fasting.
"Where's Ella-" Taerion gasped, as soon as the cup left his lips.
"Settle down" Haldir said, as he eased his second in command back into bed.
"I need to explain-" Taerion said urgently. His movements were clumsy, unlike the fluidness and grace he possessed normally.
"You must rest now, you're not out of danger yet" Haldir said again, pushing Taerion a little firmer this time. It did not take too much force before Taerion collapsed on his back. Exhausted, he closed his eyes to stop the world from spinning. Breathing deeply eased the pain just a little.
"It hurts…" he croaked.
"The healers said your soul bond was broken. It has weakened you greatly. You were in danger of fading." Seeing Taerion was settled back in bed and had no ability to get up again, Haldir sat down on the chair beside him. "I didn't know you had already chosen her. That closeness doesn't usually come until after marriage. It is why you hurt so much now. Does Ella know?"
Taerion looked away, fixing his gaze on the wall, where the shadows cast by the candlelight danced playfully.
"No, she doesn't know. I've known for some time that she is my bond mate. I – I didn't want her to feel pressured to marry me. I'm not -not very good at showing my feelings" Taerion admitted, the last words causing his voice to break. Finding his resolve again, he said with conviction "and now she doesn't have to know. I won't have her feeling trapped by me."
Nodding, Haldir understood that his lieutenant's love for Ella was of the most selfless kind. "Only someone who truly loved her would say those words."
Taerion only nodded in return, too exhausted to speak.
Haldir sighed deeply. "It is for my doing that you have suffered" he said, head shaking regretfully. "This is not what I wanted for you, either of you."
Taerion looked away a moment, composing himself in his warring emotions. His loyalty to the marchwarden has been unflinching for centuries. Having never questioned Haldir's judgement on the battlefield, Taerion had extended that loyalty when it came to Ella.
"I know how much she means to you, I was there when you met Leyla. I know everything you did, you did to protect her, what you thought was best" Taerion began, then hesitated, unsure of how to phrase his thoughts. Haldir understood immediately.
"I should not have let my actions come between you" the marchwarden finished.
With tears in his eyes, Taerion nodded. "It was my choice too, Haldir. I chose to stay silent, and that has cost me everything." He could say no more, having been seized with another spasm of pain.
"Let me fetch the healers" concerned, Haldir stood quickly. An attendant rushed in, soon followed by the head healer, and the door closed firmly behind them. Haldir stood on the other side, wincing at Taerion's groans. Haldir knew the pain must be excruciating. He had been ready when Leyla died, and their bond had not been severed so violently. The pain then was almost unbearable. What Taerion was going through must be many-fold worse.
Looking at the night sky, Haldir spoke to his beloved. "Meleth, I wish you were here. I've made a mess of things, and I don't know how to fix it." A soft breeze fluttered past his cheeks, so reassuring that the marchwarden was certain it was his wife telling him everything would work out. How, Haldir did now know and could not even fathom. Then, the wind blew up the leaves that usually carpeted the woods. Forming a playful dance, they reminded Haldir of his first love. He often wondered whether it was fate that Ella was so like in temperament to the elleth she was named after.
The next week went like a blur for Ella, likely because she wasn't sober for most of it. The first three days, she was a shut in. Refusing any interaction, not leaving her Telan, she drowned her sorrows in wine, fits of anger and despair. When she ran out of food and the hunger pains could no longer be ignored, she was forced to venture outside. Carefully planning the most direct route possible, she dressed in her plainest gown so as not to attract any attention. For good measure, she covered her hair in a headscarf so she could hide her gaze. The first few steps outside were the most difficult of her life thusfar.
Tentatively, she descended the stairs from her telan. She was alone, luckily, and thus able to stand still and take a breath of fresh air. It was crisp and calming, giving her the fortitude to continue. She passed a few elves on the path to the market, none she knew, though she noticed their gaze seemed to linger on her perhaps a moment longer than normal. She pressed onwards, her heartbeat quickening as she came closer to her destination.
The market, when she arrived, was crowded as usual. Ella gingerly made her way down the main path, taking much care to avoid eye contact with anyone. It didn't work. Conversations paused as she walked past both strangers and familiar faces. Knowing looks passed between elves; some seemed to want to speak to her and a few even opened their mouths, before thinking better of it. Ella did not know with certainty what they were thinking, but she did wonder. Were those the looks of pity or judgement? What did these elves, some of whom she had known her whole life, want to tell her? That they knew she was a bastard and she ought to be ashamed? Already done, she thought ruefully. Or perhaps some would come to her father- no, Haldir's defence?
Ella was so engrossed in her thoughts, she did not see aunt Luna until they collided softly.
"Ella!" the elder elleth exclaimed, eyes softening at once. "Darling…" Luna said softly, reaching for her hand.
Ella managed to murmur a soft greeting, "Aunt Luna," while continuing to avoid eye contact.
"Sweetling, your ada has been so worried about you."
"He's not my ada" Ella managed to grit out, keeping her composure was getting harder by the minute.
Luna's grasp became tighter, more urgent. "Of course he is! He has been your ada everyday of your life. And Taerion, he hurts so much–"
It was too much for Ella to bear. Wrenching her hand out of Luna's desperate grasp, Ella hissed "Taerion hurts? He's the one that hurt me!"
Ella fled the market, leaving many whispers (undoubtedly about the scene that she had not wanted to make) in her wake. After returning to her telan and having one more fit of anger, during which the last of the intact china met their end, Ella sank to the floor. She sat in the middle of the living room, surrounded by torn clothing and broken trinkets. After staring out into nothingness for a number of hours, something within her switched gears.
Without a word, she got up and cleaned up the mess. After the Telan was spotless, she went into the bedroom and opened the closet. The chest had been pushed into the back of the closet when the movers had deposited it several days ago. With considerable effort, ella dragged it out into the middle of the bedroom. Steeling herself, she flipped open the lid. Everything was laid out as Ella had left it. She laughed at the memory of her and aunt Issa, lovingly folding and packing each item, carefully chosen to help her start married life. It was an old fashioned tradition, packing a chest to bring to one's new husband's home.
Haldir had insisted no expense be spared for Ella's chest. The last thing he would do for his daughter before she married, he'd said, he wanted to do well. Thus, new sheets, gowns, an entire set of dishes and cookware could be found in the chest. To Ella's great embarrassment, aunt Issa had slipped in a nightgown for her wedding night. When she asked whether Ella would like some baby clothes, Ella had blushed so red that the issue was not brought up again.
How stupid she had been, Ella now thought. How naïve. Ella had lived a life mapped out for her by Haldir. Never leaving the woods, marrying an ellon he deeply approved of. How very convenient for Haldir that she was the perfect marchwarden's daughter. She'd been so close to becoming the perfect soldier's wife too. Taerion, who claimed he loved her, would have allowed her to bond to him on a lie. A lie that each day the people in her life chose to tell, thousands of times over. To deny her the right to know her own roots, they'd been self serving and cruel.
Ella had no regrets. She retrieved the bins from the gardener's shed. Dumping the contents of the chest into the trash was a relief that she had not sealed her fate in marriage. It was the first decision about her life she'd ever made on her own, and it would be so for every decision from now on.
Though the healers did not think he was ready, Taerion insisted he be discharged.
"I have somewhere I need to be" he gritted, trying not to show how much pain he was really in. The healers would have low threshold to tie him to the bed, he knew.
"Where in middle earth could you have to go in this state?" the healer said, exasperated.
"I just need to go. You can discharge me with medications and a splint so my chest doesn't hurt too much or I can walk out like this. Either way, I'm leaving."
Switching tactics, the healer turned to the marchwarden. "Captain Haldir, I must strenuously emphasize that the lieutenant is NOT ready to leave…"
Haldir gave his second-in-command a meaningful look. Tearion returned it with a plea in his eyes. "Please Haldir, I have to be there. I need to be there today."
Nodding curtly, Haldir turned to the healer and instructed him to prepare the patient for discharge. "Captain, this is not safe! I must protest…"