14 - MOOD SWINGS

At Olivia's insistence, after dinner we walked to the actual hotel; it was this huge tower. We didn't talk much, tired as we were; we yawned a lot. I offered her my arm, then second-guessed myself as she took it, electricity immediately buzzing between us, but I remembered we were setting the tone for the trip: this was supposed to be a relaxed time.

I was sure in that moment that we could both handle this.

We were partners, and friends, and neither of us had any interest in messing any of that up, so I told myself we could both trust each other to behave responsibly while still allowing for a lighter atmosphere.

I was always so intent on avoiding touching her back home — because we were at work, because it could be seen as inappropriate, so many reasons — but the only judges here were us, and so far, we both seemed okay with a few innocent touches. We both knew better than to mistake them for anything more than friendship.

Our check-in had already been done, and the guy that had driven us from the airport had even given us our keycards and told us he'd take our luggage to our rooms. It didn't feel bad at all to be treated like this, with such deference, but I gotta admit it made me feel a little out of place.

Our rooms were next to each other on the fourteenth floor.

The time to say good night felt a little weird; we'd both been desperately waiting for the moment we'd finally get to our rooms and be able to rest, but somehow, when we stopped in front of our closed doors, we weren't in a rush to go inside. It felt a little weird, after spending the whole night together — a four-hour longer night, if you count the time difference between the East and West Coasts. It felt weird to be in separate rooms, because we were so used to sharing everything, always sitting next to each other. It seemed weird to be together and have to go our separate ways, even if they were only two different hotel room doors.

After setting a time to meet for breakfast the next morning, we finally said goodnight, and Olivia hesitated a little before opening her door; I watched her, only going for my keycard after hearing the click of her door locking from the inside.

Sometimes, severe exhaustion gets me wired, and that's what happened that night. It was like my mind wouldn't shut up, thinking about so many things at once. I inspected the whole room, which was big, it was pretty much a little apartment, complete with living room, kitchen, bedroom and bathroom. I unpacked my bags to try and spend some of the newfound energy. I raided the fridge for some more alcohol, hoping it would help ease my thoughts, and when that didn't help much, I took a shower.

The most dominant thought in my unrelenting mind was what the fuck am I doing here? This was the kind of trip to take with family, and I was there because my family was on a trip of their own, without me. But it was weird, because this thought came as a judge, slamming the gavel and demanding order when a big part of me was enjoying this freedom, this being on my own for the first time I could remember in my life, not responsible for anyone else other than myself.

I went to bed, choosing something boring on TV to try and help get me sleepy. It did, but the sleep I got was not great, mixing dreams and reality, the TV show and the flight, loneliness and liberty, family and work and Olivia and icy mountains and giant lakes and New York City — a brain too tired to stay awake but too active to settle down on just one reality to dream about.

My cell phone's ringtone woke me up at some point; I was confused at first, because the alarm clock on the nightstand said it was a quarter to 5AM, but my watch said it was almost nine — it was still set for New York time. The name on the screen said Kathleen, but I was surprised to get Kathy's voice on the other end of the line.

"Elliot?" she said, sounding doubtful.

"Kathy?" I mumbled, still groggy from sleep and not quite convinced this wasn't part of a crazy dream, after weeks not hearing her voice. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, everything's fine," she said, and I sighed with relief. "Kathleen told me you're out of town?"

So apparently that had gotten her attention. "Yes," I confirmed, slowly sitting up and trying to rub the sleep off my eyes. "I tried calling you a million times."

"I was busy," she replied dismissively.

"Yeah. Well, I'm in California, so it's 5AM here."

"California? What are you doing in California?"

No I'm sorry, did I wake you?, of course. "I'm on vacation, actually," I said, unable to resist the passive-aggressiveness.

But she was the queen of passive-aggressive. "Wow, I didn't know you ever took any vacation, especially not out of state, but I guess the divorce is doing you some good."

"Well, like I said, I tried calling you several times to tell you all about this, but now it's 5AM, so, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to sleep."

"Why, don't mind me. I just wanted to remind you again about the divorce papers. Did you make any progress?"

"Not really, they're sitting in my apartment back home, so I'm not gonna have a chance to go over them until I'm back next week."

I could hear her fuming on the other end, and I felt terrible about the fact that it brought a smile to my face.

"I don't know why I even bother talking to you," she said.

"Well, lately you don't, actually," I corrected her. "But look. This is a long story, the father of a victim on a case was happy with how we handled everything and wanted to offer us a vacation in one of his resorts."

"Offer us?" Fuck. Why had I said us? "You and who else, Olivia?"

"Oh no, I'm not getting into that right now," I dodged. "Like I said, it's 5AM. We can talk more about this later if you want, but I gotta go now."

"Why, she's waiting for you to go back to bed?"

I snapped the phone shut so hard I wondered if the screen had cracked.

The next morning, I met Olivia outside of her room. She was about five minutes late, and I'd hardly gotten enough sleep. She seemed cheerful, but after the night I'd had, I couldn't for the life of me match her enthusiasm.

"I had a great night's sleep," she chirped. "I don't even feel any jet lag."

"Good for you," I barked, regretting it instantly.

She sighed audibly, then spoke lightly. "I'm guessing you didn't?"

"No, not much," I turned to her, pursing my lips apologetically.

She must have understood I wasn't in a very talkative mood and decided to do the talking for both of us. First, she talked about how great the room was. Then, she proceeded to describe all the options of places to go for breakfast; it was as if she had swallowed the brochure and acquired the power to recite it word for word.

But I knew that she was trying to cheer me up, or at least distract me, great as she was at reading and navigating my moods, so I did my best to focus on the light-heartedness emanating from her voice as I focused on overwriting Kathy's 5AM call and her ridiculous accusations involving Olivia. Is she waiting for you to go back to bed?

Our breakfast choice was made for us when we were informed Alison Weller, our vic's cousin, was waiting for us at the dining hall there, in the main building, and my first reaction was to expect my mood to be ruined for good.

"We only need to say hi, it's the polite thing to do," Olivia appeased.

Alison Weller's group was gathered around a huge, round table, talking loudly and laughing, and despite my unwillingness, it turned out that they were a pretty okay bunch. They invited us to sit with them and were so emphatic about it that we didn't really have much choice.

Alison introduced them all to us: she was there with her boyfriend and another couple who seemed to be long-time friends and frequent guests at the resort. Her boyfriend had brought his sister along for the first time, her name was Kelly and she had these big, beautiful, green eyes that caught my attention instantly — maybe because they seemed to be directed at me very often. I'm not going to lie, it was a nice ego boost.

The last two people in the group were Alison's brother, Gregory, and a friend of his, and while they were nice to me in their greetings, their attention seemed to be instantly captured by Olivia, of course. Any hot-blooded man's would. It bothered me a little how they kept staring at her, like she was a piece of meat, and nudging each other when she wasn't looking. One of them caught me staring at them and I guess they toned it down a bit after that, allowing me to start enjoying everyone's overall company.

Olivia seemed pretty happy, and I found myself feeling more comfortable in that situation than I would have predicted. I guessed it had been a while since either of us had been in a relaxed situation like this one, making new friends, in a context completely removed from work. Even my bad mood steadily subsided as conversation went on with them telling us about all the things we could do in the resort and in Tahoe. They invited us to ski with them, and after exchanging a nod, we said yes.

It was quite the day, too. I had very little experience with the activity, and in all of it, my main focus had been to ensure my kids' safety. I did have some aptitude for it though, and I found it to be a lot easier without four kids around, even though I was still looking out for someone; Olivia looked quite funny, dwarfed in all that gear, and her enthusiasm contributed to the overall kid-like appearance. I gave her a hard time for her apparent difficulty moving in her outfit, and she was adorably annoyed.

Her eyes sparkled as we took the cable car up the mountain, and she kept telling me to look down at the lake. She was right; it seemed that with every foot higher, the more beautiful the view became, but to be honest, I was also admiring a different view: Olivia was usually this tough, incredibly brave woman, with a no-nonsense attitude, not easily amused, so this expression of bewilderment was a configuration of her features I'd never witnessed before. It made me think about how practical she had always needed to be, since her childhood, handling problems and situations many adults wouldn't have to, with very few opportunities to just have fun and do stuff like this.

It made me hate her mother a little bit, even as she lay in her grave, her soul long gone to wherever the Lord had figured she belonged. It made me hate her for putting her kid through what she had put Olivia through, for throwing such a heavy burden on her shoulders, for never prioritizing her happiness. It made me sad, because I wondered if Olivia even knew what it felt like to have someone make an effort for no other reason than to make her happy. Maybe she wasn't even used to it, maybe she had never even allowed any boyfriends to do it.

"Look!" she squealed, tugging at my arm and tilting her chin downward at the lake.

"Okay," I smiled — I was in the mood for granting her wishes, and this was a very easy one to accomplish.

We got off the cable car at an intermediate point of the mountain, which was the area destined to beginners. Everyone got off and said they wanted to ski with us, which I thought was a nice gesture, since most of them already had a lot of experience and could easily be hitting the slopes on the top of the mountain. However, when Alison's brother, Gregory, started to hover around Olivia, telling her he'd teach her, I figured at least one person had ulterior motives for doing so.

The girl with the big, green eyes — Kelly — she was all over me, too, to the point where it made me a little uncomfortable. She said she wanted to be around me so I could catch her in case she fell, which immediately ticked off Olivia, as she clearly hated the sexist implications.

"If I can catch a perp, I can catch you," Olivia pointed out, earning a forced grin from Kelly, then directing a very pointed look at me, which I took as a sign, or rather, a command, to back her up.

"Oh, she can," I informed Kelly, then checked Olivia's expression for a sign of approval, a little nod telling me I'd done my job satisfactorily, but she seemed focused on looking tough to the other woman.

Alison and Gregory introduced us to a man named Mark, an instructor who gave us beginners the basic tips. There were a few other beginners along with us for the lesson, but the experienced skiers in our group stayed, too, keeping us company. I already knew some of the things he was telling us, but I noticed Olivia's attention was completely focused. I smiled as I watched her listening and following every instruction to the letter, her expression serious but her eyes wide, the kind of focus I was used to seeing on her face in the most dangerous situations. The difference was that, in that mountain, smiles would seep through her focus here and there, and as I witnessed that, I knew it had been worth it to follow Alison and her friends up that mountain.

Olivia took several falls, but luckily she followed the instructor's tips on how to avoid getting hurt. I tried to stay close by to help her up whenever she needed, but Gregory seemed intent on doing the exact same thing, and I started to wonder if she was enjoying his attention. She was certainly laughing a lot, but I couldn't tell if she preferred me or him as her bodyguard of sorts — it occurred to me that she might even be enjoying the attention of both guys.

Granted, my own attention was also divided, since Kelly skied most of the time on my other side. I could tell she had a little more experience than Olivia, but she took her share of falls, and smiled profusely as she apologized each time I helped her up.

"I was kidding back there," she said at one point. "I wasn't planning on being this clumsy, I'm sorry."

I smiled. "It's fine," I assured her.

The whole group stayed together for another half hour after the lesson was over, and it was quite fun. After a while, though, they all said goodbye to us and took the cable car again, headed for the highest sections of the mountain, reserved for more advanced skiers. The only one who stayed behind besides Kelly was Gregory, and I had to make an effort not to let his insistence on being close to Olivia affect my mood.

"I already spend way too much time skiing with my sister," was his half-assed excuse, but then he proceeded to promise to Olivia he was going to teach her.

The way he kept touching her, claiming to be teaching her the right positions to stand and the right ways to move started to make my blood boil; I could see right through that son of a bitch. But then it occurred to me that maybe she could, too. Maybe she was enjoying it. She was certainly not objecting in any way to the way he was touching her.

See, I knew the partner I had. Everywhere we went I watched guys instantly attracted to her. But actually watching her flirt with someone was a novelty — she made sure to keep everything very professional, so I'd never really seen her encouraging advances before. Could it be that the way she was laughing and joking back was her taking part in the flirting Gregory had started? I never figured she'd fall for such cheap tricks, but hey. There's no accounting for taste.

I watched them interacting a bit more. The way Gregory seemed like a confident man, but who was not afraid to show how much he already liked the little he'd seen of her. The way she was focused on him, on receiving the attention, the way it seemed to boost her own confidence, to know that she was wanted, desired. That she could inspire that kind of interest so easily. There, surrounded by white, and watching this woman I knew so well, I understood yet another layer to her that I'd never really gotten to know: how much she protected herself, protected her heart. A man like this, in a place like this, treating her that way: she felt safe. I knew Olivia. If anything about that situation was bothering her, I would know.

I swallowed the cold air and my pride or whatever it was that had started itching and hurting and bothering me as soon as that guy had come into the picture. Who was I to be bothered about anyone that Olivia considered good enough to flirt with her? The four of us continued to ski together, but I kept my distance, letting it grow little by little, and Kelly followed me.

At one point, she told me she was tired and wanted to sit down for a little bit.

"Come with me?" she invited quite demandingly.

With one last look at Olivia, who in that moment lost her balance, her fall broken in the nick of time by Gregory, resulting in laughs from them both, her eyes as far away as they'd ever been from me in any situation where we'd been together before in our lives, I nodded, and followed Kelly to a sitting area.

I swear, this girl was not comfortable with silence. She made sure to fill the space around us with conversation, innocent chatting at first, but then she started moving to more personal subjects.

"Do you have kids, Elliot?" she asked.

I grinned. "Four."

Her eyes widened, and she opened a big mouth with surprise, swatting my arm once and keeping her hand there. "Seriously? Oh my God, four!"

"Do you have any?" I threw back.

Her expression morphed into one of affection as she removed her hand from me and looked straight ahead of her. "Yeah, one. A girl. She's my world. Pam."

"Pam?"

"Short for Pamela."

"That's a pretty name. I have three girls. Maureen, Kathleen, and Elizabeth. Then a boy, Dickie. Well, Richard."

"Beautiful names," she swooned, then aimed a look at my left hand, the ringless fingers covered under my thick glove. "And you're not married?"

This time I sighed. Kelly waited patiently. After another moment, I faced her again. "We're getting divorced."

Her hand came back to my arm, this time just for a quick, affectionate squeeze. "I'm so sorry to hear that," she said. "I'm going through a divorce as well."

"I'm sorry," I said back. "Pamela's father?"

She cocked her head to the side, looking away from me. "Not really."

It seemed like she didn't want to say anything else about that, so I didn't push. I used the pause to find Olivia, just in time to see her skiing on her own for quite a few yards to where Gregory expected her. When she got there, he received her with a hug and congratulations. When she pulled back, she turned to me with a smile, then removed her skis and started running to where we were. I had never seen such an expression on her face before, and I felt a smile creep up on my face.

For a moment it was as if time had stopped, and I was watching her in slow motion: there was just something about the way she was giggling like a little girl, such joy in her eyes, that knocked the wind out of me.

"Elliot, I did it!" she yelped when she reached my earshot, closing the remaining distance with a few little jumps.

Naturally, both of our arms opened, and she landed into me from her last little leap.

"Yes, you did," was all I could say, with a stupid smile on my face.

I squeezed her for maybe a second longer than I needed to, and she responded by squeezing me back. When she finally pulled away, I used both hands to fix her hat, as it had ridden up, and my hands lingered around her face for a moment as I stared at her, still in slow motion, and she kept her arms wrapped around my neck.

For a second it seemed obvious: I was going to kiss her, like gravity was pulling me, like I couldn't stop it. It wasn't a decision.

"Come on, Liv! Let's go again," Gregory said, shattering the moment and catching her attention.

"Okay!" she said breathlessly, letting go of me and maybe avoiding my stare a little bit, but smiling in my overall direction. "Why don't you two come along?"

"Thanks, but I'm a bit tired," Kelly refused instantly, reminding me she was still there. "Elliot and I were having quite the conversation, too."

Olivia looked at me, her smile suddenly clouded by something that didn't stay long enough for me to identify. "I'll leave you guys to it then," she said, following Gregory, who was carrying her skis for her.