Title- the Furuba Fairy Tale from Hell
Genre- humor/parody
Rating- PG-13, just to be safe
Warnings- shonen-ai, language, possible shojo-ai, cameo crossover appearances, insanity
Disclaimer- Can you believe I actually have one this time? Well, much as I wish to, I don't own Fruits Basket. I also don't own any characters from other anime that may pop up randomly throughout the story, unless otherwise stated.
Summary- Take the cast of one anime. Add a fairy tale plot, a fangirlish narrator who doesn't get along with the characters, and a liberal dose of just plain craziness. Stir well and serve.
Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom, there lived a beautiful princess by the name of Tohru. Tohru was a kind princess, always caring for the people of her small kingdom as if they were all very dear friends.
Unfortunately, the princess's mother, the wise queen Kyoko, had died only weeks ago in a hunting accident, trampled to death by her own horse.
You do know that's lame, right?
Shut up, you.
So anyway, Queen Kyoko was gone, leaving Princess Tohru to rule the kingdom alone, guided by her two most trusted advisors, Uotani Arisa and Hanajima Saki.
On the small kingdom's eastern border, there was a powerful empire ruled over by a cruel and sadistic king named Akito. Akito was ruthless, smashing smaller, weaker kingdoms and adding them to his vast lands with the aid of a formidable army, and he had his eye on Tohru's peaceful realm. And what Akito wanted, he usually got.
One fine day, Princess Tohru left her humble palace and went out into the countryside to see how the nearby citizens were faring. She took Arisa, her military advisor and bodyguard, with her, more for Arisa's peace of mind than her own.
"I'm not really sure if I should be the princess." Tohru said doubtfully. "Kagura-san would be much better. Or Kisa-san."
"You're fine." Arisa assured the brunette with a smile. "Now stick to the script, or that fangirl chick's gonna kill us both, okay?"
With a small nod, Tohru schooled her expression to one of utter content and sighed happily. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it, Uo-chan?"
"Yes, your Highness, it is." Arisa agreed. "Your people are happy today, too. It's a good sign of things to come, if you ask me."
Tohru smiled and turned her horse down a narrow road through the woods, which would take them to the next village on the list of places the princess wished to visit that day.
Little did the princess and her advisor know, a notorious bandit had claimed the woods as his territory, and the two were heading directly for an ambush.
"A-ambush?"
"Shhh, Tohru, you're not supposed to be able to hear her." Arisa cautioned.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry."
The princess's horse snorted suddenly, shying backwards, as a group of rough-looking men stepped out of the brush, blocking the path.
"Okay, ladies, you know the drill; hand over any gold, jewelry, and non-traceable wealth you happen to have on you, and no one gets hurt." The bandit in the front said, flashing the two a fanged smile. "Otherwise, things could get ugly."
Silence prevailed for a moment, before Arisa nudged Tohru gently. "Princess, your line."
"Oh, sorry. Umm… I'm sorry, Bandit-san, but we don't have any of those things to give you."
"You don't really expect me to believe that, do you?" The orange-haired bandit leader asked, still smiling. "Do I have to strip you in order to get what I want?"
"Hey!" Arisa exclaimed angrily, pulling her horse up between Tohru and the bandit. "You watch what you say to her Highness! Have a little respect, you second-rate thief!"
"'Highness'?" The bandit repeated, his smile widening. "Well, that certainly changes things. A princess can be worth a lot these days. There's a king nearby who's offering big bucks for royalty, I hear."
"Think again, buster." Arisa growled, unsheathing her sword. "I would rather die than see Princess Tohru handed over to that so-called 'king'!"
"So you want to fight, Blondie?" The bandit asked, pulling his own weapon. "And here I thought today was going to be boring."
Arisa and the bandit were both excellent fighters, but the bandit had a secret that gave him enormous advantage in this fight.
"You boys stay back." The bandit ordered, shedding his gloves to reveal long, claw-like fingers that ended in sharp nails. His hat followed the gloves, showing a pair of cat ears the same orange as his hair. "This is gonna be fun."
"So you're the Cat Bandit Kyo." Arisa said, smiling. "It's an honor to meet such a well-known criminal." The blond woman dismounted, handing her horse's reins to Tohru, who accepted them with a bewildered expression.
Meanwhile, in a nearby village inn, a young prince seeking momentary escape from his father's cruel will sat staring out the window. This was Prince Yuki, second son of King Akito, and the exact opposite of his sire.
"I don't see why I have to be Akito-san's son, anyway." Yuki grumbled, frowning out the window at the inn yard and idly wondering just how that insane blond American had managed to book an entire country for this fic. "And even worse, I'm still related to nii-san."
Hey! Stick to the script, buddy, or I'll give Shigure your part!
"All right, all ready! I'll stick to my stupid lines!"
Better.
So, as I was saying, Prince Yuki and King Akito were polar opposites, and Yuki hated the things his father did, but could think of no way to stop the evil monarch.
"If only father could see that violence solves nothing." Yuki said with a slightly dramatic sigh, standing up. "My way is much better; in order to rule a kingdom effectively, one must know one's subjects. Demoralizing a country and saddling it with an incompetent government is just about the stupidest take-over plan ever." He paused a moment, then grabbed his cloak and headed for the door. "And this is just about the stupidest fanfic I've ever been in."
I heard that!
"You're not half bad, for a bandit." Arisa commented, shaking her bangs out of her eyes.
"You're pretty handy at this yourself." Kyo replied, grinning. "But that damn Rat better get here soon, because I don't know how much longer we can drag this out."
Tell me about it. He's coming, but his horse went lame, so we had to get him a new one. He should be along any minute. And remember, Kyo, you're not supposed to fight him yet.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know." Kyo growled. "I'll leave Ratboy alone. For now."
Good Kitty! Oh, here he comes! Everyone in position!
Everyone scrambled to their places as the sound of hoofbeats reached them; the bandits off to one side of the clearing, Tohru and the horses on the other, and Arisa and Kyo facing each other in the center.
The scene was set by the time Yuki himself arrived, mounted on a sleek black stallion that contrasted nicely with his white and silver clothing.
"Nice look." Arisa said appreciatively. "Not bad, for a second-best ride."
"That's why it took so long; Satanira-san insisted I look good. Now, what's going on here?"
"Nothing that concerns you, my lord." Kyo said with a sneer. "Just settling a little argument with the ladies."
"And what argument might that be?"
"Whether or not any valuables they might be carrying belong to us. Care to join? I can use the extra gold."
"I take it you are a bandit, then?" Yuki asked, sighing at Kyo's somewhat arrogant nod. "Then as a member of royalty, I suppose I should put you in your proper place."
"Another royal?" Kyo asked, laughing. "If I turn you both over, I'll never have to steal again as long as I live! This is perfect!"
"Hardly." Yuki interrupted dryly. "I doubt my father will pay you much for his own flesh and blood."
Silence descended on the clearing, and Arisa drew back, placing herself between Yuki and Tohru.
"I mean no harm to the princess, my lady." Yuki assured her sadly. "May the gods forgive me for saying so, but I will go out of my way to not please my father at this point. You've nothing to fear from me."
"How do I know I can trust you?" Arisa asked, not relaxing.
"You don't." Yuki said bluntly. "And I have no intentions of traveling with you, anyway. My father is bound to find me eventually, and I'd rather no innocents were around when that happens."
Far to the east, in the throneseat of Akito's vast kingdom, the devilish monarch himself resided, awaiting word from his many agents as to Yuki's whereabouts. With him were his elder son and heir, Ayame, and his most loyal servant, a young girl by the name of Satanira.
"I've been meaning to ask," Akito said suddenly. "How is it exactly that you can be my evil minion and do the live narration at the same time?"
"It's a fangirl thing." Satanira explained, shrugging.
"Which means she doesn't know." Ayame interjected.
"Quiet, Snakeboy. Anyway, it's your line, Akito-san."
"Yes, it is." Akito agreed, nodding. "Satanira, do you love me?"
"With all my heart and soul." Satanira answered promptly from her place at the foot of Akito's throne.
"More than life?"
"More than anything." She assured him, staring up at him with adoration and devotion plain in her large orange eyes.
"Would you die for me?"
"Without hesitation."
"Would you kill for me?"
"Absolutely."
"I have a task for you, then, my dear Satanira. It seems my younger son has strayed from me again, and no one can find him." Akito reached down and smoothed her hair, smiling to see her so eager to please him. "Bring him back to me, and I will reward you well. Fail to do so…."
"I understand, my king." She said immediately. "I will leave at once." At Akito's nod, she surged to her feet and all but ran from the room.
"You shouldn't toy with her affections, Father." Ayame spoke up once she was gone. "She truly worships you, you know."
"I know." Akito answered with a nasty grin. "And I intend to use that to my full advantage. When I no longer have any use for her, I can be rid of her cleanly."
"If she doesn't figure out what you're up to before then." Ayame disagreed. "She's much smarter than she looks; it really is only a matter of time."
"Oh, go sew something." Akito ordered, waving one hand dismissively. "And send for my healer on your way out. I think that wench might have given me something."
What do you think so far? It's my first try at a Furuba fic, so I hope I did okay.
Also, to anyone following the manga when it comes to Akito-san, I know. And it's going to be a plot device later.