This is Sfär. Here, the Germanic nations are a superpower.
As the centuries pass, VILE's temporal empire expands. It's only rivaled by ACME's better efforts to keep it accountable. Each time VILE expands, ACME is there to make sure they contract. It's a painstaking war...and if often takes certain drastic turns.
At ACME Academy, Ivan Idea teaches many nerdy proteges the tricks of his trades. Hence, he breeds a nerd army. As the decades pass, they proliferate armies of ACME robots, to keep VILE in check. In the future, Warren the Warrant Robot is a relic. And Warrick the Warbot has had more than a family, by now.
Alas, VILE is also proliferating robots. RoboCrook, too, has been out-phased. Dr. Bellum has capitalized on RoboRobber, and made it an army. Now, the RoboRobbers rival the Warbots. Now, there's a robot war going on between VILE and ACME.
In the future, Idea's proteges and Bellum's proteges are at a stalemate...as are the Warbots and the RoboRobbers. Likewise, Idea and Bellum are now AIs, that control their respective robot armies. With the RoboRobbers, VILE now steals more than ever. Many of them are time pirates. Hence, the Warbots have become history-faring, just to keep up with VILE's often-exhaustive countermeasures.
The time-travel divisions of both agencies have branched out. It isn't just AIs, robots, and time pirates they've recruited. As time-travellers, a lot of VILE's proteges seem immortal. They crop up here and there, in certain historical periods, stealing unimaginable treasures via unimaginable means. All would gladly die for VILE. That's not a career worthy of a pension...but of course, in the end, if VILE steals everything...none of its thieves would need a pension.
Throughout history, the time-travel division of ACME has expanded its Crime Net. Reluctantly, they now have a man in ancient Artsakh. It was one of the world's first Christian states...and the first in the Indo-European world. Its kings are scions of the Arsacid dynasty.
Barty, the Crime Netter, claims to be descended from St. Bartholomew, one of the founders of the Apostolic Church. He's nothing like his ancestor...but as far as ACME is concerned, he's a promising new Crime Netter.
In ancient Artsakh, something stirs. Barty can sense it. He keeps ACME HQ informed as often as he can. VILE sure knows how to keep him in suspense...as do a lot of women he's met over the months.
It's the fourth century AD. This is the city of Stepanakert...the capital of Artsakh. These days, the country is almost as militarized as its present-day successor is. And yet, the Catholicos has yet to repeal the Sixth Commandment.
In tombs near here, the apostles St. Bartholomew and St. Thaddeus of Edessa have been laid to rest. In life, both were martyred. Even so, their ministries have inspired this Christian state. Hence, the markers on their graves are fit for kings...if not for pharaohs.
Many mountains surround Stepanakert. Some were once volcanoes. Lately, it seems that some dormant volcanoes to the North have, suddenly, become active again. They're spewing up smoke. Every now and then, lightning flashes near them. Often, there's thunder. The ground shakes, a little, each time this happens.
From afar, Barty watches. He's on the rooftop of a villa. This spot, in particular, has got a nice view of a lot of the Artsakhi countryside...or at least, from here to all of the next peaks. From beyond them, the volcanic cloud looms over most...if not all.
He'd prefer to do this from the battlement of a fort. Alas, the other day, a guard stopped him and asked him questions. He's decided it's best to give that fort a wide berth, for a while...even if it means getting caught trespassing the owners of this villa. Barty is, after all, a spy, as well as a counter-thief.
He looks out across the mountains, and heaves a sigh. Something's coming. He's got no clue what it is. But he's got a spooky feeling that VILE might be behind it...
He ascends to the cross-shaped spire atop the tower he's in. This, of course, is a much more precarious mount. Either way, he needs to make a voice recording.
Up here, he sets up the equipment. He wears a pair of headphones with a mike. He lowers the mike to his mouth.
Verbally, he begins his report. While doing this, he observes the rising volcanic cloud from the northern mountains. Every now and then, as he makes his report, a brief-yet-stronger wind blows; he's that high up. He's not sure...but he thinks the wind might distort what he says, as he records it.
"VILE's got a variety of creeps, working for its own time division," he tells the recording. "Sandiego didn't recruit all of them...but she sure codepended them. A few, I dread are capable of destabilizing time completely. But then, otherwise, VILE probably wouldn't recruit them.
"That big black cloud off to the North worries me. From here, it looks volcanic. But I'm not convinced. All the research I've done, from A.C.M.E. databases, says that there were no volcanoes, directly north of here, that were active in this time of Artsakhi history. Maybe history has been changed... But I'd hate to think that if it has, A.C.M.E. is to blame. We're usually very careful, about such matters. I know I am... And sometimes, I admit, I'm a bit TOO much so... Even so, I do all for the good of A.C.M.E. And that, of course, is SO much more than anyone working for V.I.L.E., privateer or otherwise, would ever do.
"At some point, I plan to go out there. I dread that I won't like what I find. And if it really is nothing, I'm going to hate getting there. From what I've heard, lakes of sulfuric acid and blizzards of volcanic ash are no picnic...surreal though they are. Personally, I could use a little more of that, actually... But not if it means needlessly dying. Although I must confess that, when it comes to accidental deaths...I might actually prefer to get boiled by sulfuric acid, over a lot of other ways. Don't ask me why. Geology's always been close to my heart. Again, don't ask me why."
Barty continues his recording. He knows he's got to run an errand, up into those smoking mountains. If V.I.L.E.'s to blame for the smoke, or whatever that creepy substance is that blankets the sky...he must know. He doesn't doubt that the chief of A.C.M.E. would reward him very handsomely, if it was V.I.L.E... Maybe, even, a bit TOO much so... The new Chief sure seems to have a strange obsession with him, in particular... Barty's not sure why. He's just a Crime Netter.
He finishes his recording, and climbs back down to the balcony he was on before. From a duct in the nearby roof, as he's descending, bath steam rises. Through it, he's almost certain he can hear women giggling, too. He'd stick around, to eavesdrop on what they say... Except first of all, they're speaking in Old Armenian. And second of all, he was sent to the fourth century to spy on VILE, not Artsakhi innocents.
They...might not be innocent, when it comes to sex... But again, Barty's not here to eavesdrop on that...as much as he'd almost love to...
At long last, he gets down to the balcony. Once here, he caches his equipment for next time. He caches it in a little pocket world, which he accesses via an ACME extrapolator. Ivan Idea, of course, invented the first one. Since then, they've almost become standard-issue among ACME's time scouts.
As he closes the portal to the pocket world, with his recording equipment inside it, someone joins him. She's an Artsakhi noblegirl. She's come outside for a breath of fresh air. When she sees him, she soon gets more of that than she expected.
She surprises him, when she asks him something in Old Armenian. And she hexes him, with her ancient Middle Eastern beauty. She looks like a smaller, younger Kardashian...from the fourth century. She IS a Kardashian, actually. This villa that he's in, after all, just so happens to be the Villa Kardashian.
"O hi," he says to her, freaked out, because he's been caught...or, so he now thinks. "I was, uh..." He tries to stay calm. "I was lost," he finally says. "I thought that maybe if I climbed something, I'd be able to find my way. I would've climbed a tree, except...most of these trees are just as tall as each other. Not ideal...for a lookout point, as you might... Would you?"
Barty's not sure how he feels, about her amorous smile...or how she seems to be subtly closing in on him. It's almost as if... It's almost as if she was presenting herself to him.
Her name is Kristina. And as Barty will soon learn, she's got three sisters. Of them, Kristina's the ugliest one. And she's no blue ribbon-winner, where that is.
"I," he stammers, "I just need to find my way. If you could just tell me where... Where Stepanakert is, I'll just... I'll just be out of your..." He studies her sheeny hair. "How...do you get your hair like that? Do you use some kind of...?!"
Soon, his back's against the wall. She's trapped him...and has got her tongue down his throat. By now, she's lifted his shirt tail some...and has undone his britches. He'd do similar things to her...if first of all, he had less respect for what she was wearing, and second of all, if he was absolutely certain he was welcome in this villa.
Soon, though, it becomes apparent that the majority rule would vote in his favor. Soon, Kristina's sisters come out, onto the balcony. They see Barty, like him, and take turns making out with him. Of the three of them, Barty fears Kostancia the most.
Kostancia's revealing attire is mostly olive green. (Kristina's is lavender, and Klavdia's is dark grey.) Tonight, they've got Barty cornered. And tonight, it seems, Barty will get to sleep in a MUCH comfier bed than what he's used to.
Soon, the sun has completely set. Off in the northern distance, where the great black cloud lingers, lightning sometimes flashes. That is NOT natural lightning. Not only that, but it strikes the same peaks twice. It also strikes spots with low elevations.
In the women's chambers, Barty's got the Kardashian sisters scattered all over the bedding. For the most part, they're topless. If they're not still drunk from Armenian wine, they're in the premature stages of a hangover.
Barty's still drunk. He's had more of the wine than they have. He's never had a time as good as this one...although the new Chief of ACME, at least, has invited him to a few, since he joined ACME...or rather, since she became the new Chief. Her predecessor's sexuality wasn't nearly as developed...
Barty's still drunk. Even so, he's promised ACME he'll go up north, and check out that big black cloud. And the sooner, the better. He dreads that these gorgeous Artsakhi ladies will just want to fuck him again, if he waits until first dawn...or even twelfth dawn. Not that he wouldn't want that, it's just... There's a reason why civilized folks go to great measures to separate work from sex. And if not for many people, Barty wouldn't know what that reason is.
Alas, every single Kardashian sister has got him in either an arm-lock, a leg-lock, or a pin. He's still not sure how he slithers out of this delicate pile of sleeping feminine flesh...but he makes it out without a scratch...and, more importantly, without waking them out.
He leaves them, and leaves the way he came...down the side of the house, via a climbing rope. This almost brings back memories, of his own childhood in McArthur, Ohio...
Reluctantly, he leaves this lofty villa behind. As much as he's come to love those sisters...he'd hate to be around, if a jealous male relative comes by, wondering where they've been. This is the fourth century, and Artsakh is a Christian state. Hence, it seems unlikely that the Kardashian sisters live alone. And it seems just as unlikely that the Kardashian sisters of Barty's relatively native time live alone, in Beverly Hills...Kanye West not regarded...
With the welfare of history in his hands, Barty begins the perilous journey up into Artsakh's many Caucasian mountains. Once up there, he will either die trying to get there, finish off that VILE-affiliated threat to history once and for all, get killed trying...or simply find out that it's nothing, and double back. Personally, of course, Barty's investing his stock in options B and D.
He could die, doing this. But of course, he knew that when he joined ACME. He has even, at times, had sex dreams about getting killed by Carmen Sandiego herself. He'll soon learn, though, that those dreams will have to wait. He'll soon learn, if he hasn't already, that Sandiego is hardly the hottest dominant femme who steals in the service of VILE...or for themselves, otherwise.