Re-edited to make sense with scene breaks. Sorry bout that.
At first, this started out as a challenge for Ichaichasensei on LJ. And slowly… it turned into a complete Andraia ficlet, because, of course, I somehow managed to involve alcohol again. I really need to stop including alcohol into all my stories. This will be the third alcohol related hilarity. Helping Hand will always be the best though. You can find that on my profile page if you like.
The original challenge:
1) Naruto is helping Iruka make valentines day cards. Somehow, Iruka and Kakashi end up glued to one another due to Naruto's inept-ness.
For the Love of Epoxy
A predicted regret began to lace Iruka's mind as he stared at the scraps of paper that littered his kitchen table, stuck to the kitchen floor, and even floated in the fishbowl on the window sill. He had been trying to be warm hearted and generous in this time of love and caring, but damn the little blonde if he could ever handle scissors and glue like a sensible human being.
"Naruto, please," He stressed the word in hopes that it would make a heartier impression than the last time he asked, "Could you throw the scraps into the trash can that is by your chair? And get that heart out of Turbo's bowl!" he pointed at the fish.
Naruto looked forlornly at the floating heart, "But I was giving him a valentine, too, sensei! See? It says, to Turbo, love Naruto on it!"
The blonde was grinning proudly as he shoved his face up against the side of the bowl, currently missing the purple 'trying to stay calm' face that Iruka was maintaining. "Naruto. It might kill him. Get it out and put it beside his bowl. He can see the writing that way." He persuaded, removing the scissors from Naruto's elbow just as they were almost jostled off the table.
Iruka was seriously reconsidering his invitation to Naruto in helping to make Valentine's Day cards.
o0O0o
"What does that say?" Iruka squinted at the card Naruto had forced at him in an excited flurry. The obnoxiously pink card was still sticky and the cut out hearts were dripping down the front due to excess glue.
Naruto stood on his chair to read over Iruka's shoulder. "It says, 'Dear Sakura, I hope you have a really good Valentine's Day and I love you. Love Naruto. P.S. If Sasuke gave you anything, it probably isn't as cool as a homemade card.'" He beamed. "Isn't that right, Iruka-sensei?"
Iruka's face twisted into part amusement and part pity. "That's very true, Naruto. But that actually says, 'Dear Sukura, I hop u half a really god Valentin's Day and I 3 u. Ps. If Sasuke gave u anything, it prolly isn't as clue as a homade card.' – Maybe you should have let me correct your spelling errors before you wrote it in." he looked at Naruto's horrified expression. "Ah!" he quickly grabbed the dripping glue tube out of his hand and set it with a sticky thump on the table. "But we can fix it! Don't worry. We'll just glue a piece of construction paper over this part and rewrite it, how's that sound?" He offered kindly, a warm smile trying to comfort the spelling-challenged fox boy.
"Alright… will you write it for me?"
"I'll write it on another piece of paper and you can copy it." Iruka promised, already cutting out a new piece of construction paper. He began making a thin line around the outside of the pink piece of clean paper, then a thin line on the card.
Naruto needed but a glance to deduce that Iruka-sensei was incorrectly using that tube of glue. "That's not enough, Iruka-sensei!" He declared, reaching over and, being the helpful student he was, smashed his hands around Iruka's to completely cripple the tube all together.
"Ah! Naruto, no!"
His plea was far too late, as he let go of the dripping and mangled tube to stare at his goopy white hand.
(AN: Pervert, don't think about it like that)
"Oops." Naruto sank back into the chair with a hard bitten thoughtful look. "Hm. Do you have anymore glue?"
"NO!"
Thunkthunkthunk.
"I'll get it!" Naruto saw his opportunity for escape, but was quickly impeded.
"No. I'll get it. You sit. And don't touch anything until I get back." He growled, standing up and going to the front door. He reached his left hand out, clean and tidy, to twist the doorknob and jerk the door open. His breath caught in his throat though, eyes darting along the face that greeted him. "Kakashi-sensei!" he breathed, letting the door swing open the rest of the way by itself.
Kakashi gave a warm smile, eyes dancing above the layer of ever present black cloth. "Hello, Iruka-sensei." He thrust his hand forward with a friendly warmth. "How are you today?"
Iruka's nose tinted pink at such a question, for Kakashi only asked questions when he cared about the answers. "I'm fine." He eyed the white haired man suspiciously.
"That's good. What are you doing?"
Iruka restrained another blush, along with a frown that was threatening his lips. He wasn't used to so many questions from the ex-ANBU. "I'm- we're making Valentine's cards. Naruto and I." he motioned over his shoulder.
"Oh. Naruto's here?" he looked past Iruka's shoulder, then beamed again. "Valentine's cards? Wow." He looked around outside the door for a second, hesitant it seemed. "Um… can I have my hand back?"
"Eh?" Iruka looked down curiously, a surprised jolt making him realize he was still tightly clasped to Kakashi's hand from the firm handshake. "Oh! Sorry!" He mumbled in a rushed undertone, his scar accentuating on his face as he turned pinker that Sakura's glue covered card.
With a hurried jerk, Iruka yanked his hand back. Kakashi, just as surprised, was yanked forward and directly into Iruka's chest. They stumbled, haphazardly crashing into the semi-open door in surprise.
A few choice words were spouted from Iruka, making Kakashi's head snap to attention. "Iruka-sensei! I've never heard you cuss before!" he beamed. "I'm so proud of you, do it again!"
Unsure as to where his attention should lie, Kakashi's proud smile, or his hand stuck interminably to Kakashi's with high epoxy glue, Iruka stared blankly instead. "Shi- NARUTO! START THE HOT WATER!" he bellowed over his shoulder.
Kakashi, a mildly jubilant surprise on his face, tested the coherence of their apparent hand situation. "Hm. I believe you have glue on your hand."
"Yes, I forgot about it- NARUTO!" he snapped again, pulling gently on Kakashi's hand. "Hot water… if we can catch it in time, hot water might take it apart."
The white haired jounin considered his good fortune, wondering if he should let a little hot water ruin his fun. "Maa… it's not so bad, Iruka-sensei. At least you're not stuck to Naruto or something. Or Tsunade. That would be horrible." He offered, a thoughtful looking glancing around the living room.
"Neee! What the hell happened?" Naruto blared at the first site of the two, Iruka vigorously shaking their hands while Kakashi watched languidly with an amused face replacing his usual bored demeanor.
"You're broken glue tube stuck our hands together." He thrust their clasped fists under the running hot water. "Ah, hothothot…" Just like Naruto to turn it on high. He turned the temperature down a tad, Kakashi letting his hand rest limp while Iruka's fingers squirmed and wiggled.
"Iruka-sensei… when I came over to see if you wanted to come to the Shinobi party tomorrow night, I didn't expect you to want to go with me everywhere."
Iruka blushed crimson, eyes darting up semi-perturbed. "Oh, shut up."
oO0Oo
Naruto stared at the hands, still clasped tightly no matter how many justus Iruka and Kakashi did, each borrowing the other's hand to do them.
"This is ridiculous." Iruka growled, then shared a hesitant glance at Kakashi, "I'm very sorry, Kakashi-sensei, I completely forgot I had glue on my hand." He wiggled his fingers again, straining Kakashi's skin outwards as he pulled.
Kakashi shrugged lazily, reclined comfortably and holding hands with Iruka like it was natural. "It should wear off eventually, ne?"
Naruto suddenly shook his head vigorously. "Nope. You have to get the… the… anti-epoxy spray… from the glue company. See?" he stretched his arm out to Kakashi for observation of the crumpled glue tube still dripping meticulously.
"Ah. Well then." Kakashi glanced to Iruka whose head met table at that exact moment.
"I can't believe I'm stuck to you."
"Maa… that sounds like a criticism. Who else could you possibly want to be stuck to? I'm a perfect shadow. You'll never know I'm here." The wolfish grin was hidden, Iruka only discerning the wolfish eyes that matched.
"Ah- We'll assume that's a rhetorical question."
oO0Oo
"I have to go to the bathroom."
Iruka spat an angry glare to the jounin. "No you don't." he decided firmly, venom daring Kakashi to defy him.
"I didn't know you were in associates with my bladder functions, Iruka-sensei!" His eyes beamed cordially.
"You have got to be kidding me." Iruka glowered at the man, then to Naruto who was snickering over his scissors and paper.
Kakashi shook his head lethargically, eyes finally refocusing on Iruka. "No. I definitely had too much coffee this morning."
Iruka's crimson face returned as he stood up, jerking the older man up to stand. "Come on then."
"Ewwww!" Naruto added his two cents as Iruka and Kakashi left the room. Iruka, courtesy of Kakashi's shuriken holster, grabbed a star and hurled it at the boy, imbedding the star into the table between the blonde's arms.
Naruto gasped, but was extensively silent afterwards. Satisfied, the Chuunin continued to the bathroom and pointed Kakashi at the door. "You're going one handed. I'm not helping you."
Kakashi made overly dramatized puppy eyes. "Ohh…. But what if-"
"Don't even say it." Iruka threatened, shoving the man in and extending their arms to the furthest distance capable.
Kakashi grunted a bit, "Um, can you take a little step closer? I can't aim that well you know."
"You're a special jounin, the genius Hatake Kakashi, and you can't aim your wang at a toilet bowl a foot in front of you?"
"My what?"
"Shut up and piss."
"I don't think I've ever heard you so vulgar, Iruka-sensei! I like seeing you out of your normal surroundings. Maybe I should get you out of your classroom and the missions office more often." He glanced over his shoulder, but Iruka was stoutly avoiding him with his back turned awkwardly and wrist twisted sideways.
A few moments of silence while Kakashi relieved himself of four cups of coffee, two cups of old cool-aid, and that green crap that the doctor had given him to drink every morning for his ever present wounds. Iruka finally spoke up, a bit quieter now. "Am I dull when you talk to me in other places? Like the missions office?"
Kakashi smirked, cracking his neck sideways as he set out his game plan. "Yes. But I know that you're not dull."
Iruka almost looked over his shoulder, but quickly remember what exactly they were doing in the bathroom. "What do you mean?"
Hook.
"I figure since your so docile and polite on the outside, there must me a raving mad partier on the inside. Your type are usually like that. Although, I could be wrong. Maybe you are content with a dull boring missions office job and teaching gig?" Kakashi chanced another glance over his shoulder, grinning when he saw pink ears only fading into red.
"It is not a boring job! Children a very exciting!" Iruka sputtered angrily at such an accusation.
"Oh yeah? So you really are a boring ol' teacher inside and out?" Kakashi mused, all the while smirking to himself.
"No! I am not! I'm plenty exciting."
Line.
"You are, huh? Hm… I'd like to gauge that for myself, really." The jounin mused, shaking, then zipping up his pants one handedly.
He tugged Iruka towards the sink, tripping him when he 'forgot' to warn the chunnin he was done.
"How do you plan on going about that?" Iruka grabbed a towel from the shelf, tossing it at Kakashi unceremoniously.
"I'd like to take you out to a party myself." Kakashi said airily, tossing the towel haphazardly to drape over Iruka's head.
"Where? When?" the chuunin's surprised gaze peered out once he'd removed the violating towel.
"Tomorrow. Valentine's Day party. Jounin and invites only. You can be my invite if you want. Then we can see if you really are a boring missions office worker/bratty kid caretaker or not." He let Iruka lead him out of the bathroom by the hand, quite enjoying himself as he sauntered slowly enough to cause Iruka to frustrate at the pace.
"Sure. I'll go to your party."
Sinker.
Iruka smirked lightly, raising Kakashi's eyebrow in wonder. "If you put your money where your mouth is."
The white shock of hair tilted to the side with Kakashi's flopping head. "Hm… I smell a horrible, horrible gamble coming on."
The teacher grinned maliciously. "Fifty bucks says I'm more of a partier than you are."
This brought both eyebrows up. He had not expected such a challenge, for the gently heated Iruka-sensei didn't even have a preview of his new rival's partying capabilities. It was not safe to make a bet when one was unsure of his own ability to win. "And who are we letting proctor this little wager?"
Iruka didn't miss a beat. "Gai-sensei. He likes a fair fight and will be honest."
After a short consideration and a list of detrimental options, Kakashi nodded. "Sure. But first," he held up their immovable grasped hands, "I suggest we take care of our adherence problem."
o0O0o
It was common to see Iruka-sensei walking down the warm sunny streets of Konoha, everyone knew and loved Iruka-sensei as the kind and happy person he was. Though, that same 'everyone' was also astutely aware of his dangerous side. Should it ever be crossed, it would be the safest idea to cower and apologize if one valued his life. Normally though, Iruka was not in angry mode unless pressured to be in such. So he had many friends and neighbors who always smiled and waved to him as he passed.
Today though, was very different. Today people gawked, people openly stared, some even shot glances around as if expecting the scene to be an illusion. Little children giggled and whispered to each other, parents steering their young ones in another direction at seeing the oncoming trio.
Iruka could be no more crimson than he was at that point in time.
Kakashi on the other hand (no pun intended) was smiling brightly like the bluebirds themselves were singing for him. He swung their hands gently between them, Iruka growling in his throat every time the rhythm of their hands swinging grew too obvious. "Stop that. It looks even more ridiculous."
Kakashi feigned hurt, "But… I always swing my hands when I walk."
"No you don't." Iruka snapped quietly. "You're always reading porn when you walk."
Kakashi considered.
"Yes. You're very right. Far be it from me to ruin my own reputation either." He reached into his vest pocket, removing his orange book from its safely buttoned pocket.
"Don't read it now!" Iruka made a swipe, but the ever alert jounin merely dodged the book out of his reach.
"You can read it when I'm done if you like, no need to get grabby."
Iruka didn't bait to the taunting this time and simply sighed, looking away. His interest rested on Naruto who was looking particularly uncomfortable. "What's wrong, Naruto?" he asked calmly, ignoring his unintentional companion with all his might.
"Erm…" Naruto looked around awkwardly, then up to Iruka. "Come'ere." He whispered, motioning Iruka down to his level.
Iruka stopped abruptly, jerking Kakashi to a halt and bent down to listen. "Hm?"
"It's stuck to my hand." He hissed urgently.
"What is?" Iruka muttered darkly, looking down to see that both of Naruto's hands were clasped together tightly.
"The glue tube."
"That was silly of you."
"Yeah. Shit happens."
THUMP! Naruto held his head in pain, moaning at Iruka in a defenseless tone.
Kakashi giggled delightedly, "Even beating your student's now, Iruka-sensei? That's no good."
"Shut up and keep walking."
o0O0o
"Kakashi, how much do you have on you?" Iruka held out his wadded cash, laying it on the counter to spread the bills out.
"You didn't come to the store prepared? Are you telling me we have to walk all the way back to your house?" Kakashi berated sternly, one arm crossing his chest, but the other only getting half way there before Iruka yanked it down again.
"What about you, jounin? You must have porn cash on you somewhere." Iruka snorted a smirk, reaching into the open vest where he'd seen Icha Icha return to.
"H-hey! You're invading my personal bubble!" Kakashi batted at Iruka's wrist, but the Chuunin's hand emerged victorious, holding a twenty out.
"Bastard. You were going to keep that hidden weren't you?" Iruka punched his arm, then slapped the twenty on the counter.
The old codger behind the counter wheezed an airy laugh, "Interesting predicament you younguns have gotten yourselves into." He poked at the buttons on the cash register as he rang up their purchase of anti-epoxy spray.
"My fault." Naruto raised his hand, the glue tube aptly cohered to his palm.
Iruka smiled a bit proudly at hearing Naruto take blame for his actions. Just as he was about to voice the praise, Naruto finished his thoughts. "Iruka-sensei was using the glue stick wrong so I went to help him, and he squeezed to hard."
Kakashi giggled, "See what happens when you squeeze the tube to hard? It explodes."
Iruka turned a lovely shade of Valentine's day red, staring at Kakashi's pleased expression at having gotten a good hue of color from the Chuunin. "You're perverted."
The white haired man looked away innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about."
o0O0o
"Read the bottle again Naruto." Iruka mumbled, half into the couch pillow he was slumped against.
Naruto was busily peeling strips of aluminum from his palm, the tube of glue now stuck to a newspaper on the coffee table instead.
Kakashi picked up the bottle and read the label. "Spray two to four times on affected area, wait fifteen to thirty minutes, test epoxy's adhesiveness, then detach when completely ready." He waved the bottle in front of Iruka. "I think it lied."
"How long has it been?"
"Forty-five minutes."
Naruto beamed, "Mine came off!" he held up his hand to show the spots of raw skin, bleeding holes, and aluminum sparkles that decorated his sore paw.
"So did the top thirty layers of your skin." Iruka snorted a smirk, taking Naruto's hand to examine it. "Go run your hand under the hot water for a while, then wash it out good, alright? I'm not going to deal with any infections.." He murmured, Naruto nodding obediently and clamoring his way through the kitchen.
Kakashi looked across the couch to Iruka. "Something wrong Iruka sensei?"
Iruka's vehement glance to the ground confirmed the jounin's suspicions. "I have to go to the bathroom." He muttered darkly, a glare raising to meet one happily amused eye.
"Do you need help?"
"Kakashi." Iruka's 'give-me-a-break-you-asshole' voice warned. He didn't finish his sentence, only sighing and shaking his head. "I do not need help, thanks."
The languid man shrugged loosely. "Just offering my services as a fellow Shinobi."
"Pervert."
"Isn't that considered romanticism in this holiday season?"
"No. It's considered kinky."
o0O0o
"You sprayed the spray on it?"
"Yes, Tsunade-sama. That was over an hour and a half ago. And we've applied more since then." Iruka stated as calmly and rationally as he could.
Tsunade leaned forward on the desk, her ample bosom almost spilling out of her decoratively hallmark valentine's dress. "Well. I must say that you two look cute holding hands." She offered, uninterested eyes resting on the handsome couple before her.
"Thank you!" Kakashi beamed happily, Iruka jerking his arm hard to shut his other half up.
"Tsunade, this is relatively serious." Iruka pulled his best straight face while trying not to crumple.
She pursed her lips. "Why were you holding hands in the first place? Is there something I should know?" she smiled evilly at the purple face she was rewarded.
"No! Shaking hands! We were shaking hands and I had epoxy glue from cards-"
"Aaawwe… was wittle Kakashi asking Iwuka to be his daaaate?"
"Tsunade-sama, can you PLEASE just separate us?"
"But you just started the relationship, you want me too-? Iruka, that's dangerous, put that down!--! Kakashi, look out!"
o0O0o
The Falcon ANBU guard outside the door looked over his shoulder, piercing eyes meeting his companion's. "Um… should we do something?"
The Ferret shook his head. "Nooo… she pissed of Iruka-sensei. She got what was coming to her. No one crosses Iruka-sensei. Especially teasing him about his secret love interest." He smirked knowingly beneath the swirling mask.
"Secret love interest, really?"
"Oh yes. Everyone knows except him."
o0O0o
"Are you alright, Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka patted Kakashi's arm gently.
Kakashi rolled his shoulder in its socket, shrugging nonchalantly afterwards. "Yeah. I'm okay. I just wasn't expecting you to chase her around with her own weapons." He looked at his red and swollen hand.
"Yeah. I thought it was a paperweight. I didn't know it exploded." The Chuunin mused, eyes passing along the sidewalk thoughtfully.
"Oh. Added bonus, huh?"
"Yeah."
An awkward silence fell over them, Kakashi stopping once they reached his apartment. "Should I pick you up around eight tomorrow?"
Iruka nodded absently, eyes on the horizon as he contemplated on his next sentence. "Yeah. See you tomorrow night." He finished with a light expression, deciding that few words were enough. He received the normal Kakashi-sensei response, as much he expected.
"Hn."
o0O0o
"Why can't I go?"
"There will be alcohol. Jounin and invites only."
"Kakashi-sensei invited you?"
"Mm-hm."
"Aha! Iruka and Kakashi sensei are dating! - Ow… that was unnecessary."
Iruka shoved Naruto back out the door. "Why aren't you ready for the party at Kiba's house?"
Naruto scowled, "I am ready, I did my hair, see?"
Iruka rolled his eyes, "Gelling it so it is permanently messy does not count as doing your hair. Go on, I have to lock the house up before Kakashi gets here."
"Alright. Don't have too much fun, okay, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto grinned a foxy smirk back to his sensei. "Or else Kakashi-sensei might molest you."
Iruka's face tinted pink. "Naruto…"
"Saa… you know I'm playing. Thanks for the fun day, Iruka-sensei!" he waved over his shoulder, feet slapping against the pavement as he started off in a jog.
Iruka-sensei closed the door, leaning against the wall as he thought a moment on the precarious statement the blonde had playfully muttered, without knowing the true extent of such while saying it. Iruka's chocolate nose scrunched up in contemplation. "What if he really does molest me?"
"Maa… that's rude."
"MOFO! Don't do that!"
o0O0o
"On this, the symbol of youthful pa-hic-passion, we have ourselves a wonderfully drunken couple who- hic- have made a sweet wager of love –hic- what? Oh. Not love. Of party animalism? What, my friend, does that mean? Ah. Alright. On this, the wonderful Day of Valentine's, such being a representation and celebration of springtime and… and flowers… and love… and alcohol… I gladly present this empty keg to Iruga-sensei, who has defeated my arch-rival and foe in a wager I wish I could have thought of first. To Iruka-sensei, for being the best partier of everyone here tonight!" Gai staggered drunkenly on the makeshift stage, which immediately collapsed under him once he stumbled a second time.
"Shiiiit… Gaaiii…. You okay?" Asuma snickered, hauling the Green Wonder to his feet.
"Quite alright, my darling youthful blossom, Kurenai… or Asuma… you two have been together the whole time so I can no longer tell you apart, dear friend. Where is Iruka-zenzei? I have for him the night's winning bets!"
"Um… I think he's under Kakashi." Raidoh pointed between Asuma and Gai to a table that rocked precariously.
Gai gasped, a stupor of horrific realization flashing across his face, "Kakashi is jealous that he has lost the bet! We must save Iruka-sensei!" he stumbled forward, Genma and Raidoh both snatching him back while Asuma doubled over in laughter.
Genma giggled wickedly, arm slinging over Gai's once proud and now lopsided shoulders. "Gai-sensei… I think Kakashi is congratulating Iruka on his victory. And Iruka is thanking him. By sucking on his neck. And his chest. And… maybe we should put them in a room or something?"
"What… what are they doing now?" Gai rubbed his eyes, trying to witness the jumble of chocolate and pale skin.
"I believe… Kakashi is excusing Iruka from his clothing. And Iruka is… falling… off the table… Nope. The table fell."
"We must rescue them!" Gai trumpeted forward to help his fallen comrades.
o0O0o
"Mofo…"
"Maa… that's rude."
"…Kashi…"
"Hm?"
"You owe me fifty bucks."
"Good morning to you, too."
Iruka smirked into his pillow. "I'd like to say I had fun last night, but I can't remember it."
Kakashi bit gently on the naked shoulder that was pressed against him tightly. "That's alright. As long as you're not removing my genitalia we're at a loving understanding." He kissed the dark skin again.
Iruka twisted his head around capturing the lips. "I'm enjoying the snuggling and all… but I have to pee. Really bad. Can you let go?"
"Mm…no." Kakashi answered casually, biting and kissing a bit more to taste his companion further.
"Kakashi… I really have to go. I'm not kidding."
"Neither am I."
"What?" Iruka pulled forward, Kakashi grunting. "Kami, no." he lifted his arm and looked back. His skin ended where Kakashi's began, a lovely juxtaposition of light and dark.
"I'm afraid so." The nude jounin confirmed, reaching down and poking along the thick line of skin pulled tautly against Iruka's arching body. "I think someone played a dirty prank on us." Kakashi snuggled his head back into the pillow. "Awwe… you're whole body changes colors when you're angry! How cute!"
Iruka's teeth clenched together as he forced out calm words. "How much of that anti-epoxy spray to we have?"
"Not enough."
This story was ridiculous and poorly written in some places, I'm sorry. It was one in the morning and I was trying to finish before Valentine's Day, (which I failed miserably because I couldn't get it posted in time before leaving on vacation). I'm sorry, forgive the crack. And forgive the whole week and a few days late thing.