In his quest to avoid silly and unimportant things such as the consequences of his own actions, Sirius was determined not to see any of the Marauders until this whole thing wore off. They were all probably all annoyed with him about how weird he was all morning, but he didn't know how to explain it, or keep it under control. So now he was aimlessly wandering the shelves upon shelves of the Hogwarts library, vaguely looking for something to try and end the spell, but mostly just sulking. He was prone to dramatics that way. As he rounded another precarious stack of volumes at the end of another row after another fruitless search, he heard familiar voices squabbling a little further down;
"Ugh don't even get me started on that I can see your aura stuff she spouts. What a headcase."
"'Aw Marlene, your aura is so shiny and pink' oh piss off. Can you believe that? Look at me for two seconds and tell me if the words 'shiny' or 'pink' come to mind... because if they do I need to immediately change everything about myself."
"Would you two lay off her? Pandora's kicking all our asses in divination, it is possible that she knows what she's talking about."
"Come off it, the only think she's beating us at is bullshitting and you know it Lil."
"Maybe she is just gifted. Or she could have something like synesthesia? You don't know."
"Maybe she's got an extra tit that she stores her nonsense in. Or her bloody 'third eye' is located right next to her-"
"And what's that?"
"What tits? Here Cas, give me your hands I'll show you."
"Shut up Marls, I know what those are, I mean the thing Lily said?
"What, synesthesia? It's this thing my mum told me about. I don't really understand it, but basically some people think in like, colours almost? Or they associate other senses with like regular things. So they can like 'taste' words, or associate a person or emotions with colours or something like that."
"See! I told you divination was a bunch of crap."
"Just because you're failing it, doesn't mean... Oh, hi Sirius."
Sirius hadn't meant to be eavesdropping on the girls. He really had just intended to hide out in the library and well... granted, he didn't really know what to do with himself in there. But now he was intrigued.
"Uhh, hey Dorcas. Don't suppose I could steal Evans from you all for a second?"
"I have a name you know, Sirius," Lily countered, closing the book in front of her and rising from the table with a sigh.
"Yeah, yeah, sorry Lily," he muttered as she followed him down another aisle. Upon reaching the end, he leant against the wall next to a window, shoulder pressed into the cool stone.
"Uh oh. Lily? Something's got to be up with you. What has James done this time?" she huffed, folding her arms over her chest.
After briefly marvelling at how exactly like James in Charms that morning she had just acted, Sirius pressed on.
"What is it you were just talking about? Synthetic something or other?"
"Synesthesia? Oh Sirius, I really don't know much about it at all. Why, do you think you have it?"
"No I just... was curious is all."
And he was, because the way she described it? It was exactly what he had felt every time he had looked at Remus this past day. The melting pot of colours and the complex sensations he could imagine but couldn't describe.
"Well, we are in the library, maybe we can try and look it up?"
And that's exactly how they were found, about thirty minutes later, pouring over two seperate volumes, comparing their interpretations of the condition. Who found them? Well...
"This is it! This is what Remus has!"
"What do I have?"
...
Really shit timing for one thing.
Doing his best not to look completely idiotic for the third time that day, Sirius didn't turn around to the voice that was plaguing his mind even more than usual, choosing instead to look very purposefully at the pages open in front of him.
"Synesthesia," he said directed determinedly towards the table. Might as well tell the truth at this point, but damn he really need to learn to think before he spoke.
"I have no idea what you're talking about Sirius."
"Here Rem, let me show you..." Lily interjected, saving him from having to explain.
Eyes glued to the words that were quickly loosing all meaning, Sirius heard Lily shuffle around the table. He could almost see her presenting the book to Moony, whose eyes would flicker quickly across the page as he read. He imagined his head would likely be angled slightly to the left, and he would be pushing the hair from his eyes, or maybe ghosting his fingers across the page in the way he so often did. In a way Sirius had imagined would feel lovely across his skin, so soft, so gentle and-
He turned the page in front of him. Now was not the time.
"Uh yeah," came Remus's voice from somewhere above him, "Yeah I guess I do have... something like that. I didn't realise that wasn't normal to be honest. How did you know about that Pads?"
"Well... obviously you've mentioned it before."
"I don't know how that's possible, as I am very positive I didn't know about it until five minutes ago."
"No but... you know... you've just talked about it before. I don't know, I can't be expected to remember when it was. I was right either way, doesn't matter how."
"Okay Sirius, whatever you say. This is a stupid thing to argue with you about and I have far too much to do to entertain this weird mood of yours."
"Well join us if you like Remus! I still have some things to finish, but the girls have packed up and gone I'm sure."
"Yeah I ran into Marlene on my way out, figured that was why it was so quiet in here."
Sirius snorted softly despite himself. He felt absolved of the little guilt he had felt about eavesdropping knowing Remus would have agreed, that it would have been almost impossible not to.
He heard Remus take his place at the table, the three of them forming a neat little triangle. Sirius turned the page.
"Surprised to see you here though, Pads. Didn't know you knew where the library was." It was a hesitant attempt at humour. Remus was trying to reignite the playfulness between them that Sirius had shut down all day. And shit, he felt bad.
"Don't be ridiculous Moony dear, I'm here all the time."
It was a pathetic attempt at sarcasm, that he hoped the non-committal wave of his hand would distract from. The nickname caught in his throat, and it hurt like it so often did, how close but how far he could get to that line between friendship and more. But it tasted like normalcy, and that's what their friendship needed if it was to survive the day. Feigned normalcy.
"And don't worry, nothing he's doing has to do with school," Lily affirmed.
"Oh I see, yes that makes more sense."
Moony laughed and it was beautiful. Sirius could almost see the surge of colours from that morning, when he had looked at the smiling Moony he was now forced to confide to his imagination, despite his closeness. His eyes wandered as he tried to visualise them once more.
"Trust Sirius to do anything but his school work."
Sirius exhaled through a "Yeah, you can say that again Moons," saturated with a soft smile. They were back to normal.
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Don't be ridiculous, of course it does." Sirius turned another page that he most definitely had not read, distracted by his mission to live in the memories of the morning that were frustratingly pale in his mind.
"What's he playing at?"
"What ever do you mean." In doing this, Sirius began to realise that not only was he not reading at the page, he was also very much not even looking at it.
"Your hair's turning green."
"Like hell it is." He refocused his gaze. This conversation had taken a weird turn. He wouldn't raise is eyes though. He wouldn't dare. He couldn't check because he didn't want to accidentally look at-
"Sirius Orion Black I want to take you against one of these bookshelves right now and make Lily watch us."
"You WHAT?!"
Scars. Freckles. Art.
That's what he had been looking at.
But now, spluttering in his seat, Sirius was once again, as he so often was, caught in an amber haze.
But this wasn't soft, it wasn't warm.
It burned.
Remus's gaze absolutely bore through him. Sirius paled, his muscles tensed. Apologies and explanations died in a lover's embrace on his tongue, leaving him with the bitter taste of bile, panic and seasoned absolute-fuck-up.
He hardly registered Lily's confusion as Remus carefully closed his book. Rose from the table, and left the hall without a word.
"Sirius, what was that all about?"
Sirius couldn't hear her over the rushing in his ears and the hammering in his chest.
He had done it.
He'd put thinking before speaking and royally screwed up the best and most beautiful thing in his life.
He hadn't extinguished the candle. He'd knocked it off the table and set the house on fire.
He'd pulled his stupid Sirius Black shit yet again, and as he watched the back of the boy he loved so dearly disappear away from him, he felt all the anguish, the fear and absolute betrayal leeching from him. It filled up the cavernous room like bloodied glass, and each step Remus took away from him cracked the air just a little bit more. When he was out of sight, it shattered, cutting through Sirius to the bone.
No one could even begin to comprehend the enormity of the feelings contained in that single tear. That single tear, that slipped from his eye like like a whisper and landed on the 'and' between "love and loss" typed neatly on the page spread bare before him.
What a cruel irony.
That every 'and' he had ever hoped for had just walked away, taking love with him, and leaving behind nothing but loss.
"I have to go," he whispered.
And he did.