Good morning-- Yuki? I didn't know you'd be here.
Oh. They asked. But if I asked it's inappropriate? Never mind. I'm still glad you're here. So... what are we supposed to talk about today? More about Aizawa?
Like to talk about? Look, if they weren't making me come here I wouldn't be here.
Yuuuukiiiii, don't say thaaaaat... I'm sooooorry...
Fine! We can talk about that stupid reporter and how he had no right to force his way into our room while we were in the middle of--
No... I don't want to go to jail... Yuki, I didn't hurt him.
Fine, much. A few scratches--
So what if we're celebrities! How should that make a difference?
I'm not avoiding anything! Why do you all keep saying that?
Oh, you're one to talk. Who broke up with me before I got raped because he didn't deserve a real relationship? Who decided to leave me right after I got raped because he wanted to avoid the whole thing?
...No, of course I don't blame you for anything, Yuki. I just don't see why everyone wants me to talk about Taki Aizawa and his stupid friends and his dumb camera. So what if the sex was good? That doesn't mean I wanted it.
Does it?
I don't know! But I came, you know. A bunch of times. And they didn't do anything violent. Isn't a rape supposed to be violent? Isn't everything supposed to feel bad? So why didn't it hurt? Why didn't they hurt me at all?
No, I guess I don't mean it like that. I don't want to be dead or something. It's not that I wanted them to hurt me... It's just... I mean, rape's not supposed to be like that. All that false tenderness and a veneer of caring... It's supposed to be harsh and cruel. They're supposed to... to hit you. I mean, the only time anyone hit me was right at the end.
Oh, yeah. Aizawa kicked me to stop me from coming again. I think they got tired of it after a while, what with me being so easy. I guess he had enough shots of that...
Ah! Yuki's holding my hand! I love you I love you I love you I-- Aw. Yuki's so mean.
Guy with the hat? Oh. You wrote that down. No, Aizawa didn't wear the hat. How could you mix that up? Aizawa was the guy with the camera. He didn't actually touch me, sexually I mean. I... It was actually kind of a relief when he hurt me, so-- Ah, Yuki! I don't mean relief like that...
I guess it could have been. All I had to do was close my eyes and imagine it was you, but I couldn't... At that time, everything was so new, you'd never even been that nice to me. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Of course you were nice to me, but--
No no no no no no! Yuuukiiii, that's not what I meant. Of course it's totally different! Sex with you is totally different from being raped. I just felt like that then, wasn't that stupid of me? I'm always dumb like that, and--
What do you mean, counter-productive? I don't want Yuki to leave!
-- Just because-- you don't have to...
Great. Are you happy now? He's going to be all mad and brooding for a week at least.
I don't care what Seguchi says. I'm not talking to you.
Stop writing that stuff. I'm not avoiding anything.
Yeah, well, you aren't going to have to deal with a grouchy Yuki all week.
Good morning.
Hi, Yuki. You're leaving? You don't have to...
Oh. Okay. Have fun writing.
He's still mad at me. About last week.
Well, I mean, he's barely spoken to me... I don't want to talk about him right now. There's some kind of hearing tomorrow morning. K's totally worried. Sakano's going to have a heart attack or something. Hiro went ballistic at me two days ago, and I mean, he's always the nicest guy... I'm such a screw-up, making everyone worry like this. If only that guy hadn't...
The lawyers said not to say things like that. In fact, they told me not to say anything. I don't understand why I have to be there if I'm not supposed to say anything. And Seguchi's holding this big press conference afterwards, to tell all the fans that everything's okay. I'm supposed to shut up for that one too, so he can put the right spin on things and make sure the company doesn't lose face.
The way everyone's acting, I don't know if it is going to be okay. I think... if Bad Luck weren't so big right now, I think NG would have dropped us. And it'd be my fault. I mean, Hiro could have gone to med school, been a doctor, and he gave it up for the band, and I could just ruin it. Just like that. Everybody's avoiding me, and I can't blame them.
Except Ryuichi Sakuma. He's a god. He doesn't need to be worried about the bad press he might get from hanging around me. It's kind of strange though. He's so serious when he's talking to me right now. Just the other day, he was giving me legal advice. I mean, legal advice? Who talks about that? It was basically the same as everyone else says, you know, mostly just "shut up and let the nice NG lawyers do what's best for you," but coming from Ryuichi Sakuma is like... well, I don't know. It's just strange.
Usually, he's only serious in his music, you know? And now, it's like he's serious all the time around me. I hate it... I want... I want to be happy. This is all just making me depressed. All this talk about lawyers and trials...
Seguchi says that when you piss off a tabloid, you're in big trouble because they'll take it all the way, just for the publicity. He said they'll be trying to get all my secrets. I would have thought they knew them all by now, but... I mean, you know, no one's ever published anything about what Aizawa did to me. I'm kind of worried that they will...
I don't know what happened to those pictures. What if Yuki had them developed in a shop? I mean, you can't trust people when there are celebrities involved. What if they're stored on some computer in Bic or Yodobashi, just waiting for the right time to be sold?
I don't know what I'd do if I woke up and saw that in one of the magazines.
Probably throw up.
Well, that's not-- I mean, I am fine with it! What happened happened, and that's all there is to it. Just because I don't want to see pictures of me doing that kind of stuff with people I don't know doesn't mean I'm not over it completely!
Why do you keep throwing that word around? You sound like one of Yuki's books, using the same word over and over to make it important. Of course, he does it in a thousand different kanji to make it all artistic, but it's so obvious and-- Why am I criticizing him? He's not even here.
Well, if I knew why, I wouldn't have asked.
I just want him back in here with me. I've barely seen him this week, and they're all talking about how I could go to prison, or how all Bad Luck's dreams could crack, or how I should just sit back and do what everyone tells me to do... Well, I did that with Aizawa, and look where it got me!
Onto a stupid bed in Yuki's psychiatrist's office.
Yeah, yeah, my psychiatrist too.
I just want Yuki to forgive me. Is that so much to ask? That he stop blaming me for what happened? That he stop thinking it was all my fault for following a guy I knew was my enemy? Why is it too much to ask? Why can't he forgive me?
I'm sorry, I...
Geez. That was so serious. It made my chest hurt. They don't have medicine for that, do they?
No, I don't really want medicine.
Good idea? Good idea for whom? For the lawyers, so they can point at it and say, look, Shindou's sick, you can't blame a sick demented singer for his actions... Or do you mean for the newspapers, so they can put it up somewhere? Headline news: Shuichi Shindou can't handle it! Singer takes mood altering drugs to deal with stress!
I'm doing just fine, but thank you for your concern.
Do you think if I called Yuki, he might come back? Or just talk for a while? It's almost lunch time, after all. Maybe he could take a break, or...
You don't like him, do you. It's okay, no one seems to like him, except his family and me. I mean, all those women he was with before me? They only wanted one thing. What's with that look? I told you, he's good in bed.
Hiro hates him, K kind of tolerates him because I love him, he and Sakuma have this really weird staring contest they do at each other every now and then, which is absolutely one-sided because Yuki's generally just looking at me so it's probably not even a real staring contest and... well. Ayaka seemed to like him. And there's Mika, and Seguchi, and Tatsuha, and Yuki's dad... Actually, I'm not so sure Yuki's dad likes him. He wants Yuki to shave his head, after all. That's just wrong. Yuki's hair is too beautiful to shave off.
It's just such wonderful hair... I run my fingers through it, usually when he's asleep, because he gets a little upset if I start doing things that are so girly. But it's not girly! I mean, I'm in an industry where your appearance really counts! It's hard to think that there are guys out there who aren't worried about the newest hair product or--
Oh, come on. What am I supposed to be avoiding now? What, if I talk about work, I'm avoiding home life, and if I talk about home, I'm avoiding work, is that it? This is just stupid. Why is everything I do wrong? Aren't you supposed to make me feel better about things?
What are you supposed to be doing then?
A lens? To see myself through? You're kidding, right?
Look. I don't need glasses. Yuki does, I don't. Maybe that bullshit works on him, but it doesn't work on me.
Do you ask him to tell you about our sex life? Does he do it, or does he tell you to shut up about it? Do you ask him all these... these same leading questions about Kitazawa? And me? No wonder he's still so screwed up. You make a business out of it, don't you! You don't have any intention of making people better. You want to keep them like this, always coming back to you for more, putting them on drugs so they can never escape--
I'll tell Seguchi you said that. I can't stand being here ay more. Maybe this will finally convince him that I don't need to come.
Good-- Yuki... please stay today? Please? You won't talk to me at home, can't we try talking here? You want me to get better, don't you? The stuff I told you was true, I didn't ask him to do that. I wasn't trying to get back at you, you know I wasn't--
Gone again. Why can't he talk to me? Aren't I important to him?
Well. I guess not.
So, tell me something. Do you read those tabloids and things?
Big story about me and Yuki in there. We got into this argument... It was pretty bad. We both ended up saying some stupid things about each other. I mean, it's not like we haven't said this stuff before, but... never when the press was watching either of us like they have been recently. I said something about Kitazawa, he said something about Aizawa... huh. Funny how the names are so similar...
Yeah, right, avoiding things is what's getting me into trouble, right? Fine. He was going on about something. I don't even remember what it was, isn't that just like me? We got mad at each other, and I honestly don't think any of it was all that bad. But then, I said... something like... I think I told him he cared more about Kitazawa than he did about me, and he always had, and I just wished he would get over it and just be my lover only. You can bet the press would have had a field day with even just that. But then... then, he said that he would get over Kitazawa about the same time I stopped complaining about my orgy with Aizawa. And then, the flash of a camera, which seems to be the common factor in all the really crappy parts of my life right now.
I don't know how Seguchi covered so much of this whole thing up. He couldn't do everything, I understand that. I understood it the instant that photo was taken of us. Even if you don't read tabloids, you must have seen it. Both of us out of our seats, him with a glass of wine, me with my soft drink-- he's always more sophisticated than me... We'd have looked good in the photo if it weren't for the headline: Breakup of the Season! All you lovely ladies, it looks like the fantastically beautiful, talented author Eiri Yuki and the good looking, gifted singer Shuichi Shindou are free for the taking.
He even went off and slept with some girl. He hasn't done that in forever.
Of course I'm not happy about it. Who would be? But that doesn't mean I should confront him about it. Besides, what would I say? Should I tell him that if he doesn't stop sleeping with them, he should forget about sleeping with me? Should I tell him that if we're going to have an open relationship, I'll go sleep around too?
I don't even want to sleep with anyone else.
The papers keep writing that I'm sleeping with everyone. Look at how close Shuichi and Hiro are in that scene! Look, look, his manager is pulling him by his hand, must be lovers! And then there's Ryuichi Sakuma, who looks so much like me that we must be sleeping together... To read the newspapers, I'm sleeping with everyone at NG, plus a few people from other recording companies.
I wouldn't care if they didn't believe it.
Seguchi should know better, don't you think? He looks at me like I'm really cheating on Yuki. I mean, does he really think I'd...
Well. He hasn't always liked me, he hasn't always hated me. Sometimes I'm a good decision, sometimes I'm a bad one. I think I'm good more often than bad in his eyes... Right now, I'm an embarrassment to the company, and to Yuki. I'm bringing all the wrong kind of publicity. If Bad Luck just slips a little bit we're out.
Suguru'll land on his feet just fine, but I don't know what'd happen to Hiro. I guess they've got enough money that they can retire if they need to, but... but what would I do without music? I need it... It's like a drug...
I'm almost as bad for that as for Yuki.
Oh, yeah, the hearing last week. Well, we settled with the ryokan for the antique thingie. I thought this was for the whole... uh, incident. But... no. It was just for that part. I don't know why we didn't just settle in the first place. Maybe it was just an excuse for the press conference afterwards...
And Seguchi announced that we're suing the newspaper and the reporter for my mental distress. Seguchi said that's more of a stalling technique. They apparently filed the papers the night the whole thing happened, so that no one could publish the pictures...
Suing for mental distress. It makes me sound like such a complete wimp. Why'd they have to use that? Probably something to do with my defense overall. I guess that's why I'm here, right?
...I just wish Yuki wasn't ignoring me.
I don't suppose you could do something about that, could you?
Yeah. I didn't really think so...
I know he cares. I'm pretty sure he loves me. Almost a hundred percent. I just wish he wouldn't shut down like that. He just shuts me out of his life whenever things are unpleasant.
Yeah. I guess that could be why.
It's not just me. You know that. We feed off of each other.
I don't want to talk about Yuki right now.
Do you know, even Sakuma stopped hanging around with me after that story in the newspaper. I guess I've really screwed up this time, if even Sakuma is afraid to sit near me. I just... I just don't feel like it should be so bad. I know I caused some damage, but who hasn't? Someone who tries to take pictures of other people having sex should expect someone will throw something at them. I wish I hadn't hurt him but... I mean, he's the one who decided to try to take inappropriate pictures of us. Stupid, stupid reporter...
I guess that's kind of wrong, isn't it... I'm blaming the victim, when it's really my fault. My responsibility. But what's the right thing to do now?
What? I can't just blame it on Aizawa! It's not his fault. I can't just say everything's his fault and nothing's mine, and pretend that makes everything all right. It's not his fault that Yuki broke up with me then, it's mine. It's not his fault I followed him home, even though I was thinking he wasn't a nice guy, I was drunk, I decided to do whatever stupid things I did. I was the one who couldn't keep myself from liking my own rape... That was me, not Aizawa. Aizawa didn't force me to enjoy it. I did that on my own.
I'm so sorry, Yuki... I betrayed you... that night... even though I only wanted to protect him, I betrayed him...
I'm sorry. I can't keep going right now. I want to go home. K's outside, he'll take me home, okay? Maybe I'll see Yuki, if he's not out with some cheap slut... We belong together, no matter what, that's what I said when I first saw you, right? He'll always let me back in. I know he will. I've just gotta hang tight.
Authors Notes
Well, I guess this isn't too terribly popular here (judging by the raw number of people who've visited), but a big thank you to those who've responded. I'm hoping that I can finish this story tomorrow... Though, it'll probably be kind of (no, completely) wrong in terms of legal style stuff. But as my job has nothing to do with law, especially law as it relates to celebrities...