Yuki.
Hi.
You're staying?
Oh. Should I sit down?
Right. So. The... the trial starts next Tuesday--
Well, you haven't been talking to me, how could I have told you that? ... Yeah. Trial... Um... The lawyers say the criminal case will probably be over really quickly. They said they've got a bunch of... whatever it is lawyers have, so that'll be okay... and... Why are you staying here, Yuki? Aren't you still angry?
I guess it was nice of Seguchi and Sakuma to ask you to... but maybe if you don't want to be here you should... if you don't want to be here, you don't have to be, you know.
Last week? Oh, what I said then... it was... I can't tell him... I... I don't think Yuki would want to know...
You would? Geez. I'm not even sure what we're talking about. I talked about a lot of stuff last week--
No! Don't go, Yuki, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just don't go... We haven't talked for almost two weeks. You're barely home, and when you are, you're in your room drinking... I miss you. I know it sounds stupid, but I... I've barely talked to anyone in over a week, not even the girl at the convenience store...
Ah... ha ha. Well, I just don't want to be in any more illicit love affairs, you know? So I've been working on my lyrics mostly, by myself. Did a bit of recording. K said that if this all clears up favourably, we can use the publicity to boost our sales. Sakano went nuts about that statement, he always sees the worst in any situation... said Seguchi would fire him, but then, if K pulled it off I don't see why Seguchi would be upset... if it turns out favourably...
Do you think it'll be okay, Yuki? I know what the lawyers say, but... I'm a bit nervous, and...
You think so? That's really--
Wow. That's really... um... Well, maybe when we get home, I can show you how I feel about that. What was it I was supposed to tell you?
Oh. Responsibility. I'm not sure I'm really ready to talk about that... I remember that stuff I said. It was really... unhappy. I don't want to make myself that unhappy again.
No, I suppose I can't go on avoiding the issue. But how am I supposed to tell him that? Am I supposed to say I'm sorry about it? I mean... I don't think he'll even understand.
Well, of course he's gone through a lot, and of course I understood with him, but--
Of course I trust Yuki!
It's just that... it's hard to... okay, fine. No matter if it's hard. I've never been the kind of guy to just take the easy way out, right Yuki? If I were that kind of guy, I'd never have won you over. I'll just say I'm sorry and--
Just tell him my feelings, don't apologize? What kind of advice is that?
Okay, fine. But it's going to be an apology. Because it is my fault. Yuki, I'm sorry that I... that I enjoyed it. With Aizawa and his guys, I mean. I know I should have hated the whole thing, but I don't have any control over myself, you know that, and I-- I'm sorry I betrayed you. I was only trying to protect you--
Whoa. Yuki kissed me in front of the psychiatrist.
But I mean... You don't blame me? What, not at all? But what about what you said that night about me and Aizawa's orgy and all that--
... I don't get it. If you don't blame me, why do I still feel so guilty?
Enough for today? What do you mean by that? I just asked you a question!
I'm supposed to... what? Why do you even go to these things if they can't answer the questions, Yuki?
Well, that's just dumb. If I have to figure it all out for myself, what's the point of coming here? I can just talk to myself in the mirror or something.
Fine, fine, I'll think about it.
Hi. Um. This is kind of awkward isn't it., but it might be better like this... I mean, I don't want to go through a crowd... K has bodyguards come over when I have to get to the trial, but other than that, we're kind of on our own here.
I'm glad it's not a big inconvenience.
Yeah, I thought about it. I still don't really get it though. Why I feel guilty, I mean. I apologized to Yuki, so... maybe it's not him I feel like I should apologize to? But if it's not him, then who? I apologized to Hiro back then for getting into that situation... I don't understand why apologizing didn't work. Saying you're sorry and getting forgiveness should make things feel better, shouldn't it?
I know I didn't do anything wrong, I know it was all them that did, but I... it's just so strange. I had to do what they said, I didn't have any choice in it... but shouldn't I have been better than that? Shouldn't I have... found some way to... I don't know. Maybe I am as screwed up as the lawyers are saying. Everyone thinks I'm not listening, because I'm so outgoing... But they said all the big-shots are nuts in some way. I wonder if they include Seguchi in that... You'd never see it in him. He's so controlled...
I don't have to worry too much, it seems. They got a publication ban. It's not really enough to keep all the guys outside the door away, so... Still, at least nothing that's said in there is going to get out to the press. They're trying everything they can to get one of us to let the information slip out. I guess they can't get it from the lawyers, right? They're all too well trained. Well, so am I! I graduated from the NG school of... uh... oh, well, it's top secret, actually.
Yeah. It's nice to laugh sometimes. Even Yuki likes to laugh sometimes! Not often enough though, Yuki, you need to laugh more...
Oh, yes, he's here with me! I didn't think that you can't see him here... Hm, don't tell him anything too embarrassing about what I've said to you!
We're still talking about things. It's just hard... Even harder with the situation...
The trial? Well... Even though they said it would be quick, it hasn't been. I guess because I'm a celebrity, so they figure we have to play by different rules or something. The lawyers told me they were acting like this whole thing was a murder case instead of just a minor assault, that that's why they couldn't make a deal with anyone. But they say they wouldn't have made any deals anyways, and they're still going to win.
They've been blaming my behaviour on temporary mental instability. I don't know exactly what that means, but... the questions they asked Yuki when the prosecution called him up... The thing is, I really don't have problems, except for when I'm in one of my slumps, so I don't think Yuki was able to say anything that really worked for my defense.
Seguchi came by last night and told us the lawyers are fighting the prosecution on something important today, but that we shouldn't worry about it. Shouldn't worry about it? If we shouldn't worry, he shouldn't have told us, right? I hate not knowing what's going on, but what can I do, right? I don't think Seguchi would tell me even if I asked him straight out--
Yuki, where are you going? I thought you said you'd stay...
Oh, fine then. I don't care. Sure, shut the door, I guess...
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Seguchi also said I might have to take the stand, so I said, "Take it where?" He told me to stop imitating Ryuichi in "one of his moods." I just wanted to lighten the atmosphere a bit. You know how Yuki can get when he's upset about something, and that whole conversation was making him more and more angry. He understands Seguchi much better than I do. Or maybe he just understands the whole legal thing better than me, you know? He was really upset after Seguchi left.
I think he thinks we're going to lose.
No, I haven't asked him. Things are really tense around here in general. And besides. If he says yes, it won't help anything.
I just want it to be over. I want to go back to recording. I haven't been at the studio for a while... Yuki said I was singing in my sleep last night. I think he found it a bit annoying. He woke me up and told me to go on the couch if I couldn't shut up.
Well, he's not that mean, of course he let me back in!
He's there for me when it really counts. He's been to all my concerts, well, all the planned ones... So he's standoffish. Big deal. He's romantic in private. I love him.
No. He wasn't. But... Everything doesn't come down to that. It's not the defining moment of my life. I guess it's more significant than I thought it was, but it really doesn't have anything to do with my relationship with Yuki.
Well, I'm sorry, but I'll have to disagree. The rape has nothing to do with Yuki.
Well, yeah, okay, I apologized to him for that, but--
Maybe it does. But it's not like I've sat here thinking about it, so it's pointless to keep asking me questions like that. What is it you think I'm going to say? You think I'm going to tell you I'm angry with him for leaving me like that? Or... or that I was disappointed?
It's not like I can say I was happy about him leaving me, but I'm never happy when he does that. Who would be happy when their lover leaves them because of his insecurities? That was always the worst part. If he'd really not liked me, I could have moved on. Probably. Maybe...
I mean, he's hot! And cool! And... and... Okay, fine. I probably wouldn't have moved on even if he really didn't like me. But luckily, he does, so that's not a problem, and... what were we talking about? It's probably kind of pointless for me to just talk about Yuki all the time, but I love him so much that--
Oh, hi, K.
I thought they were going to be busy all day.
Ah. Well, sorry, doctor. Guess I'll talk to you next week.
Hello? Are you there? It's me, Shuichi Shindou.
I-- I know it's not our regular time, but could I talk to you?
They had Aizawa there today, and these big blown up pictures, and-- and-- they were talking about it, saying it wasn't really any kind of a defense because I'd wanted it all along. I got up and said he was lying. One of the lawyers pulled me back down, and I almost hit him, but I didn't, but then Lazy Eyes just kept on spewing out those lies and--
I'm calm, I'm calm, anyway I just stood up and started yelling at him about it, and I don't think any of them believed me, no, of course they didn't, they charged me a fine and the lawyers sent me home and then Yuki yelled at me and closed the door in my face, and I swear Aizawa was laughing the whole time and, and--
I am calm, but the press was watching it all, taking notes, and the lawyers said they'd lost something, probably the whole case because I couldn't just watch him say that kind of thing about me, and I-- I-- Seguchi was behind me, and he had this horrible sour look on his face when I was told to leave and he just kept staring at me and Aizawa and all the lawyers in the room and the press and--
I am calm! Ryuichi was there and he tried to hug me as I left the courtroom but I just started crying and he tried to give me stuff but I just kept hearing Aizawa telling them things and I yelled at him for being Aizawa and--
C-c-calm down? I...
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you. I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry.
No, I-- Goodbye.
Oh, geez. I worried you enough to come here... I'm so sorry. Uh, look, now's really a bad time. Seguchi is here, and a bunch of the lawyers, so... I'm so sorry, but... please leave.
I promise I'll be there for the appointment.
The day after tomorrow-- but that's Yuki's--
Right. Don't worry, we'll be there. Okay? I'm sorry, but... good night, doctor.
Author's Notes
Hope this is the right length... One more chapter to go... Gah. Where's my beta reader when I need her? Asleep! Damn those time zones... The last bit definitely needs beta-ing before I post. Anyone willing to do it tonight? I'm a very impatient person, and would like to get this out before my "C" test tomorrow (quotes by HR, wish me luck!). I hope I get an interview with the company I'm trying for...