Hi.
I'm sorry about that call the other day. I was really upset. Not even sure why.
Yeah. Okay, fine, if you want to say it that way, Yuki, I guess that was why I was upset. The courtroom... He's right, I completely lost it. Maybe Yuki's been right all along, and I really do need to deal with it--
Hm. Yes, you are right an awful lot of the time, but it's not a perfect record, you know...
Yes, doctor, I'm sorry... Avoiding, always avoiding... The thing is, I'd handled seeing Aizawa before. I told him he was pathetic when he came and threatened Yuki. So why this time... Why couldn't I handle it this time? Was it because of the pictures? They were so horrible. My own eyes staring at me like that... everyone else in the room staring at me, or my image... His eyes... that satisfied smirk... just like then, so confident, he knew he'd won, that I wouldn't fight him, couldn't even try...
Um, well... Even so, I had no right to bother you like that.
Seguchi came over that night and worked something out that benefitted everyone, more or less. That's why I couldn't let you in that night... But that means things are mostly okay now. Or going to be. The reporter won't take the stand, and in a case like this, that means they can't move forward, so I won't have to see Aizawa again. Well, that's what the lawyers said.
Honestly? I think Seguchi might have had to pay them off in order to settle everything... he looked so angry, in that strange detached way of his... He's as scary as serious Ryuichi Sakuma... Ah, well, anyhow, it seems as though things are resolved now, so please don't worry on my behalf.
Yes... But this is Yuki's time, so I should probably just go over here and sit in the corner until you're done... Unless you want me to wait outside, Yuki? I really only came so that--
All right, I'll stay! It's not like I really wanted to wait outside. The press is still hounding us, after all...
Well, no, we haven't discussed it. But... Yuki, we don't need to.
Look, you've never discussed Kitazawa with me, I mean, not, you know, details. You can't expect for me to discuss what they did to me.
Do I want to--? I... Yuki...
--Stop! I don't want to know, I don't want you to tell me--
...Oh... Yuki...
I wish you'd never known him. I wish--
All right. I won't wish those things. But is it okay if I wish he'd never hurt you?
...Yuki...
...if it's really what you want...
...All right. All right. Where am I supposed to start?
The beginning. Thanks, Yuki. Sometimes, I really understand why you won the Naoki prize! You're so very good with words!
Fine, I'll just get on with it.
Thanks, doctor. See, Yuki, you could be a little more like that--
All right, Yuki!
...I was upset that night. I couldn't decide... whether to be drunk, or angry, or depressed... I was even pissing Hiro off, and you know he's so calm he'll take just about anything from anyone without batting an eyelash. Kind of like Yuki, but nicer.
Just kidding!
Anyhow, I was going to go home. To my parent's house, I mean. I didn't want to sponge off of Hiro, and hotels are so impersonal, after all. But then these fans recognized me, and suddenly they were all... there were all these people, coming out of nowhere trying to get a piece of me. I was a bit-- no, a lot drunk. I started running.
When Aizawa showed up, I got him to say his name, gave him a taste of having people chase him. I didn't do it on purpose, but... It was actually fun, especially since I wasn't running alone. We ran all the way to his apartment. Then he invited me up for a drink. He said... I think it was something about how he needed to take the edge off the nerves from being chased.
Well, I wasn't going to argue against having a drink. I was drunk already, and... I thought it wouldn't hurt to have a drink with my rival, maybe we could get to know each other a little better, and then we wouldn't be so insulting towards each other. I mean... we were both artists, right? Both under the NG label, and Seguchi doesn't sign people who suck, so no matter what I thought personally, ASK had to be a great band.
Am I avoiding it again?
Hm. Well, so we went up, and we got to talking over some beer, and he started telling me these stories... they were pretty funny, and I relaxed little by little. And then he asked me about being a celebrity, and I... I let it slip. About Yuki and I.
He just sort of turned around and there were these two guys there. I got up and tried to get out, but... well, obviously, I couldn't. The guy with the long hair grabbed me, hand on my mouth, and the other guy undid my jeans and put his hand down them. I told them to stop, told them I didn't know any Eiri Yuki... but of course, that was just stupid. It just confirmed everything Aizawa had said.
I should have known it wouldn't be what I expected. The guy in the hat was rubbing my chest, pinching my nipples, kissing my neck... And then Aizawa threatened you. I... I tried to kill him for that, but I guess I forgot that there were two guys holding me. Guy in the hat was nearest, he punched me, and I doubled over onto the ground.
I told him I wouldn't betray you. Told him... I don't remember all the stuff we said. I remember the guy with long hair took the opportunity to stand over me, trying to intimidate me... I knew I couldn't give in to that. I was scared, sure, but... well, you can't give in to people like that, that's what I thought.
They turned me over, doggie style, elbows on the floor... they spread my legs. Aizawa was looking into my eyes. I don't think I'll ever forget those droopy eyes at that moment... satisfied and cruel...
When the guy behind me touched his mouth to my backside, I couldn't figure out what he was doing. I was such an innocent... Even with all that stuff we'd done together... Yuki and I... I was still...
Anyway. He did it, and I came, and Aizawa took pictures. I'd told them to go fast, but... Guess they weren't interested in speed. It all felt so... I don't know. Good and bad at the same time. Like... like singing something really and truly horrible. Or... American pop. You know, because it's so hard to fit your mouth around the words...
After I came, Aizawa told them he wanted more variety. I gave one of them a blow job, and the other one prepared me for the... the penultimate act, I guess.
Yuki, don't be so crude.
The blow job wasn't exactly exciting for me, and I don't even remember if he came, but the guy with his fingers in my ass seemed to know exactly what he was doing. Exactly where to touch me... I almost came while he was doing that. I don't know what's wrong with me, to feel like coming when I didn't even know him... And when he put himself in, and reached under, I-- He barely had to even stroke me.
They'd tilt my head back, kissing under my neck while they took the photos. One of them kept complimenting me on how good I looked like this, on how responsive I was when I came... I remember I felt really sick about that. How many times I'd wished you'd say that, tell me how wonderful I was instead of complaining about my lack of control, how you weren't fully satisfied...
Sick freak even told me he loved me.
Of course I know it didn't mean anything. They were just words. I know he didn't love me. But I mean... how can you say that kind of thing? Why would you say that kind of thing? Was he trying to hurt me by saying that? Or did they think it would confuse me? Maybe it was a fantasy. Proclaiming love to a famous guy. Maybe he wanted me to say it back. Maybe he thought I had to...
Deranged fans have--? What could be worse than that?
Oh. I suppose that is worse...
Well. After he told me he loved me... He kissed me, full on the lips. Aizawa took a picture of that. My eyes were closed, but I remember the flash... his tongue sliding around mine... I was so tired. They hadn't made me do much of anything but... Maybe because I was so... sexually satisfied. They pushed me down onto my side and cuddled me between them. He took another couple of pictures.
They brought me into the bathroom, washed me off all tenderly. Made me wash them, first with my hands, then with my tongue.
Don't look at me like that, Yuki. What else could I have done? Let them take us both down?
I did my best not to get them all the way to the end, but that was a dumb idea. One of them pushed me down and used his own hands and came on my face. Aizawa finished taking the pictures with that.
They turned me over onto my front, hands and knees on the tiles. The other guy entered, I got hard again. That's when Aizawa kicked me... It was such a relief, to be hurt like that. To not come for them again.
And when he was done, they wiped my face and my ass and pulled me out of the bathroom. They put my clothes back onto me like I was some broken doll. I barely hurt at all. I felt so... satisfied, but at the same time, I felt sick to my stomach. Aizawa got them all beers while I sat there trying to shove my shoes onto my feet in the front entranceway. They were all laughing, talking about me. About how tight I was, how many times I'd come, how I couldn't give good head to save my life... how the only thing worthwhile about me was my asshole... how pathetic is it that I cared? That I still...
How pathetic.
Eventually I got my shoes on and walked out of the apartment and into the elevator. I remember the walk took forever, getting to Hiro's house. Every step reminded me that I wasn't crawling away, that I wasn't hurt... And that... that hurt most of all.
...Yuki...
Thanks. Ah. I... wish it never happened. But in some strange way, it brought us closer together, so I... I can't regret it. It really showed me what I was willing to do for you.
I don't care if you didn't want me to do that for you. I did it. I shouldn't even feel guilty for enjoying it, because I let them do it for you.
I know that, Yuki. But I still do feel guilty.
Blame you? For what?
Sorry? No. It... It wasn't your fault either.
Hi. I'm back again.
Seguchi came by this week. He looked all pleased with himself. Yuki was really angry at him and told him not to drag us through the mud ever again just because he wanted to boost sales. My latest album sold five million in three days. It's a little overwhelming... I'm supposed to go on tour again soon, but I don't think... Doesn't matter. K's a really good manager, to be able to take advantage of all that.
Well, no. I can't exactly be happy about that, but... Sales are sales.
You remember the stupid reporter who started this whole thing, right? Well, I had to do photos for his paper yesterday, and he got to do this interview with Yuki and I about how psychiatry works for big stars like us. I didn't like having to sit down with him at all, let alone talking about going to a psychiatrist, but Yuki said that with how badly Seguchi had bungled this whole little "promotional stunt" of his, we just had to sit there and take it, no matter how bad it was.
Promotional stunt? Who would make something like this happen just for promotion?
Well, I don't think so, but Yuki's been saying a lot of bad things about Seguchi lately. About how he could have spared us this whole trial, spared everyone the worry. He keeps saying Seguchi wanted to satisfy his curiosity, and to force Yuki to talk to me about things he didn't want to talk about, and to make everyone sell better... I don't really understand what Yuki says sometimes. He gets so angry sometimes, and just pretends like there's nothing wrong...
I don't know. I don't think that Seguchi could have just snapped his fingers and made everything better. Maybe they had to see me break down to really believe that we weren't just making this thing up about Aizawa. There's no reason to be mad at him. Sometimes, Yuki acts like more of a child than I do, you know... like Seguchi's some sort of omnipotent figure...
Or maybe he just loves Seguchi like I love Ryuichi. Ah... Sakuma, I mean. I wonder what I'd think if Ryuichi Sakuma turned out to be human like everyone else... I'd probably be upset. Luckily, I don't think I have to worry too much about that. Sakuma is a god. I don't think he could be like the rest of us even if he wanted to be. He shines too brightly.
At any rate, Yuki's been in a better mood around me lately, so I can't say I'm too upset.
Yeah, well... He blames Seguchi for that.
We both hated the whole thing, but if there was another solution, I didn't see it. Seguchi had to pull some really major strings to get that asshole reporter to drop his charges. He told me to act all... fragile around him. You know, like I was close to tears? But putting on a brave face despite that. Isn't hard to act when you really feel a bit like that, actually: all I really did was let the fears a little closer to the surface than I would normally... it was harder during the interview than the negotiations. Yuki would have gotten really angry if I'd looked like I was about to cry or something.
No, not at me. Or, maybe a little bit at me. Mostly, he'd have been angry at the reporter. And it would have spilled over onto me. You know what he's like. He's usually so contained that when he does let something out, it's so strong that it gets onto everything... He tries to make sure none of it hurts me though. I wish he wouldn't try to protect me from himself.
Oh, that. I'm glad he was willing to share his story of Kitazawa with me, I guess... although, I can't say it was pleasant to hear... How sad we both are, underneath his calm and my happiness. Is everyone like that? All sadness and guilt?
Guilty feelings... I wonder, do they ever go away? Can you ever really get over them?
No, I don't really... we both feel guilty about things that I guess we shouldn't feel guilty about. Shooting Kitazawa... that was a good choice, I think. I guess he'd say I didn't really have a choice with liking what Aizawa did to me... but all the same...
I still feel guilty about it. Like I should have done something...
I don't know what. Just... something.
I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know it was them. They were the ones who hurt me, I didn't do anything to make them do it, I didn't ask for them to do it, I know that... but I didn't do anything to stop them either. I didn't think I'd be betraying Yuki like that.
No. He doesn't think I was betraying him. But I... maybe I really feel like I was betraying myself? Kind of hard to apologize to yourself though. "Hey, me, I'm sorry about liking that disgusting episode in my life. I know it wasn't really my fault, but I think I should try to forgive me anyways, okay?" "Yeah, sure, no problem, you know I'd forgive you."
Hey.
You know, that actually did make me feel a little better.
The time's up, isn't it... I spend too much time just thinking when I'm here.
Oh, I don't know. Seguchi hasn't said I have to keep coming, but he implied it'd be for the best. At least, I think that's what he was implying when he said that stuff about the best moves going forward... Yuki said he thinks it's a good idea to have someone besides him to dump all my problems on.
My thoughts? Well... I've been thinking that maybe it's good for me to keep coming.
Yeah. So... uh... see you next week?
Yep. Time to go out and face the rest of the world.
La li ho!
Authors Notes
Thank you to all who reviewed, and to those of you who've read and didn't review... Review now, come on! It's not that hard, just put up your note saying "I was here."