Quahog's Most Wanted
By Alex Johnson
Scene 1
(Outside the Griffin house. Cut to inside with everyone sitting on the couch watching TV)
Voice on TV: Welcome back to Monkey Weight Lifting. Now our defending champ is about to attempt an incredible lift of 500 bananas. We need absolute silence.
(On TV. A monkey in a tank top struggles while lifting two barrels full of bananas. He finally lifts them.)
Voice on TV: Oh my god. He's done it. He's broken the world record.
(Brian sitting on couch)
Brian: Wait a second. How can a monkey lift 500 bananas?
Chris: Well he's the defending world champ from Sweden.
Peter: Friggin' Swedish and their freakishly large monkeys.
Theme Song
Scene 2
(Outside the Drunken Clam. Cut to inside where Peter, Cleveland, and Joe sit at a table drinking. Quagmire comes running in.)
Quagmire: Hey guys I'm in big trouble.
Peter: What happened?
Quagmire: I killed a hooker.
Joe: What?
Cleveland: How did that happen?
Quagmire: Well…
(Cut to inside Quagmire's house. He is sitting on the couch with a hooker.)
Quagmire: I'll get us a couple drinks.
(He walks behind his bar and pulls out two martini glasses. He pours a drink into each one. With out looking he reaches for a shelf behind him. Close up on the shelf. There are two boxes. One labeled Roofies and one labeled Rat Poison. After feeling around for a while he pulls two pills out of the Rat Poison box and drops them both into one drink. He goes back to the couch and hands a drink to the hooker. She takes one sip and falls down on the floor.)
Quagmire: Heh heh alright.
(Cut back to the Drunken Clam)
Quagmire: …and she never woke up. What do I do?
Joe: You have to turn yourself in. If you don't and you get caught, you can get the death penalty.
Peter: Hey I have an idea. Wait here.
(Peter runs out of the bar. He runs down the street and pushes down an old lady and steels her taxi. The taxi speeds away. Cut to a different street the taxi pulls up and Peter runs out. He runs through a train station and dives into a subway. The doors close and the subway pulls away. Cut to a different train station. Peter pushes through the crowded train and gets off. He runs out of the station. He steels a little kid's bike and rides it down the street. Cut to a factory. Peter gets off the bike and runs inside. He goes up to a worker in the factory)
Peter: So you put twice as much cream inside and you call them Double Stuffed Oreos.
Worker: Uh that's already been done.
Peter: Son of bitch!
(Cut back to the Drunken Clam. Peter walks in.)
Peter: I can't believe. Did you know that the already make Double Stuffed Oreos?
Quagmire: Peter what about me?
Peter: Oh yeah. You're screwed.
(Horace walks over with a tray of beers and sets them down.)
Horace: I couldn't help overhearing through this listening device that I've installed in your table, and I think I know what you can do.
Quagmire: Oh thank god. What?
Horace: You gotta frame someone else.
Cleveland: But who else in this town would be so perverted that he would do it with a dead girl and not notice?
Peter: Oo oo. Pick me.
Joe: Peter.
Peter: Quagmire! (He yells excited that he knew the right answer.)
Joe: No Peter. We're looking for someone besides Quagmire.
Peter: I hate this game. (He throws his empty beer mug across the bar)
(Cut to other side of the bar. Two men are talking. One is wearing a helmet)
Man 1: So what'd the doctor say?
Man 2: Well he said I'd be fine unless I got hit in the head.
Man 1: Hey I dare you to take the helmet off.
Man 2: Well okay.
(He takes his helmet off and Peter's beer mug hits him in the head. He drops face down on the table. Man 1 gets up. Walks over to him slowly and steels his wallet. Then he runs away. Cut back to Peter and the others.)
Quagmire: Hey I know someone who's that perverted.
Scene 3
(Cut to an empty hallway with an open door. Quagmire is dragging a trash bag, with the dead hookers inside, down the hallway and into the open door. Then he walks out carrying the now empty bag. He closes the door and walks away. The door has a star on it that says Tom Tucker.)
Tom Tucker: (From inside the room) Well hey there. Who are you? (Silence) Not much of a talker huh? Well let's get started then.
(After about 10 seconds)
Tom Tucker: Ah!
Commercial
Scene 4
(Cut to Griffin house. Peter and Brian are watching the news.)
Diane Simmons: Luckily the only ones susceptible to the disease are Australians. Now we go live to Quahog Prison where Tom Tucker will be interviewing himself. Tom?
(Cut to Tom Tucker in a prison cell.)
Tom Tucker: Thanks Diane. I'm here with Quahog channel five news anchor Tom Tucker who was recently arrested for the murder of a prostitute. Tom, my first question is…Why?
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Well I'd like to start out by saying, I think you do a wonderful job delivering the news Tom and boy are you handsome.
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Why thank you Tom but you didn't quite answer my question.
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Oh I'm sorry I was distracted by your beauty.
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Quite alright.
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Well anyway, I'm innocent Tom. You've got to believe me.
(He gets up and runs to the other side of the cell)
Tom Tucker: Well you've heard it ladies and gentlemen. Tom Tucker claims to be innocent. Up next, Air Conditioners…Friend or Foe.
Scene 5
(Cut to inside the Griffin's kitchen. Everyone is seated around to table including Quagmire.)
Peter: Alright everyone. Welcome to the Griffin Family Meeting. Now our first order of business, Quagmire will be living with us during the investigation on Tom Tucker for reasons that I can't state.
Chris: Why? Is his house on fire?
Meg: Of course not you idiot. If it was on fire there would be firemen outside right now.
Chris: How do you know they didn't just get distracted?
Meg: How?
(Cut to inside fire station. The firemen are sitting around a table.)
Fireman1: Hey lets have a staring contest.
Fireman2: Okay.
(The fire alarm goes off but the firemen just keep staring at each other.)
(Cut back to the Griffin house.)
Peter: Now kids Quagmire's house isn't on fire. He just killed a hooker.
Lois: Oh my god!
Peter: Uh I mean heh uh. Pause!
(Everyone stops moving and the pause symbol appears in the corner of the screen.)
Peter: Rewind!
(The pause symbol changes to a rewind symbol and everyone moves back ward)
Peter: Alright. Play!
(The symbol disappears.)
Peter: Now kids Quagmire's house isn't on fire. He just killed a hooker.
Lois: Oh my god!
Peter: Aw crap. Pause!
(Everyone stops moving and the pause symbol appears in the corner of the screen.)
Peter: Rewind!
(The pause symbol changes to a rewind symbol and everyone moves back ward)
Peter: Play!
(The symbol disappears.)
Peter: Now kids Quagmire's house isn't on fire. He's just getting it fumigated. Anyway, he can stay in Meg's room while he's here.
Quagmire: Heh heh alright.
Peter: Next issue that'd I'd like to bring up is that someone Tivo'ed The Ellen DeGeneres Show and when Joe came over to watch TV yesterday it was very embarrassing.
(Everyone looks at Stewie)
Stewie: Why the devil are you all looking at me? I'm just a baby. I can't work a Tivo. It's not like I can go over, pickup the remote from the bottom shelve of the bookshelf, turn everything on, highlight "Search by Title" and press select. Then choose "All Shows," and press select again. And there's no way that I could use the right, left, up, and down arrows to move the box among the letters and move it to E, then press select. Because then a list of programs that begin with "E" would appear on the right side of the screen and I'd have to move the white box to the letter L and press select again. Then I would have to continue entering the letters until I saw The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Then to get to the list of programs, I'd press the right arrow until I moved off the grid of letters. Then press the up or down arrows to highlight "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and press select. And plus why would you just assume that I would like a show like that.
Peter: Well yeah that's true so it must not have been him.
Stewie: Right, plus it wasn't even on yesterday I checked.
Commercial
Scene 6
(Cut to Griffin house. Peter is watching TV. There is a knock at the door. Peter gets up and answers it. There is a man in a suit and a police officer at the door.)
Peter: Can I help you?
Man: Yes, my name is agent Garcia and this is officer Barmes. We're looking for Glen Quagmire.
Peter: Aw, are you guy cops?
Agent Garcia: Well, he is. (He gestures to officer Barmes)
Peter: Well then, I have a few things to discuss with you. (To agent Garcia) Please excuse us.
(Agent Garcia steps outside. Peter closes the door)
Officer Barmes: What can I do for you?
Peter: Now I have a friend who's a cop but he refused to answer me.
Officer Barmes: Well what's your question?
Peter: Well you see, a couple months ago I heard someone come into my house every night for a week, so one night I set a trap.
(Cut to Peter's living room at night. There is a pair of shoes on the coffee table. The window opens and an elf walks in. He begins working on the shoes as if fixing them. Peter jumps out from behind the couch with a shotgun and shoots the elf several times.)
Peter: … so I pump the friggin' midget full of lead and stash him in the basement.
Officer Barmes: So what's your question?
Peter: Oh right sorry. Could you explain to me, what exactly is "jaywalking"?
Officer Barmes: That's when you walk across the street without using the crosswalk. But that couldn't have less to do with the story you just told me.
Peter: What story?
Officer Barmes: The one about the elf.
Peter: Oh yeah that's a good one. So, a couple months ago I heard someone come into my house…
(Officer Barmes interrupts him.)
Officer Barmes: You just told me the story.
Peter: What Story?
Officer Barmes: The one about the elf! (He said frustrated.)
Peter: Oh yeah that's a good one. So, a couple months ago I heard someone come into my house…
(Officer Barmes interrupts him.)
Officer Barmes: Shut up! (He yells.)
(Quagmire walks half way down the stairs)
Quagmire: Hey Peter what's all the yelling about?
Officer Barmes: You!
(Officer Barmes pulls out his gun and begins shooting at Quagmire. Quagmire runs up stairs and locks himself in the bathroom.)
Quagmire: Jesus Peter, all I did was use your monogrammed towel. No need to call the cops and have them kill me.
Officer Barmes: Peter didn't call me I'm here on account of the murder you committed.
(Close up on Peter gasping. Close up on Quagmire gasping. Close up on an alien gasping. Screen zooms out to show three aliens all watching Family Guy as it goes to a commercial on their screen.)
Alien 1: (Speaking Alien Language)
(Subtitles: Alright a commercial, quick we must probe the humans before the show returns.)
Alien 2: (Speaking Alien Language).
(Subtitles: Alright, but we better be back before it comes back on. If Quagmire gets arrested and I miss it, I'll probe you.)
Alien 1: (Speaking Alien Language)
(Subtitles: Jokes on you. I don't have an anus to be probed.)
Alien 3: (Speaking Alien Language)
(Subtitles: I do)
(Alien 1 pulls out a ray gun and shoots Alien 3, causing him to explode.)
Alien 1 & Alien 2: (Speaking Alien Language).
(Subtitles: Ha ha ha.)
(Cut back to the Griffin's house. Quagmire and Peter are sitting on the couch. Agent Garcia and Officer Barmes are talking to them.)
Quagmire: How did you find out that I killed that hooker?
Agent Garcia: Hooker? No, no this is about Jesus.
Peter & Quagmire: Jesus?
Officer Barmes: Yes, our testing and research has finally led us to the conclusion that it was none other than you, Glen Quagmire, who killed the lord Jesus Christ.
Quagmire: But I wasn't even alive then.
Peter: Yeah he was born in the 1963. Jesus died like 500 years ago.
Agent Garcia: Sir, are you trying to tell me that Jesus died five hundred years after his recorded death?
Peter: Oh no. I'm sorry. I'm thinking of my friend Stinky. Aw you remember Stinky, right Quagmire?
Quagmire: Peter Stinky never died. In fact he was never born. He was imaginary.
Peter: No he was real. And he did to die. Isn't that right Stinky? (Peter turns to the empty seat on the couch and stares for a minute.) Aw man, Stinky. Aw. Who's been givin' this guy burritos. Man. (He yells off-screen.) Hey Lois quit feeding Stinky burritos.
Lois (Off-screen) Alright Peter. (Humoring him.)
(Brian walks in)
Brian: Ah. I see he's talking about Stinky again.
Quagmire: Yeah.
Brian: There's only one way to end this.
(Brian grabs Officer Barmes gun and shoots the empty seat on the couch.)
Peter: No! Now you'll see. Now that he's dead his cloaking belt will shut off. Just watch.
(Slowly a body with a bleeding bullet wound appears on the couch.)
Brian: Oh my god!
Agent Garcia: Officer Barmes, write them up for two counts of murder. One, Jesus, and two Stinky.
Quagmire: Oh, don't forget the hooker.
Agent Garcia: Oh right thanks. Three counts of murder. One, Jesus, two, Stinky, and three some hooker. We'll check it out later.
(Peter, Quagmire and Brian are handcuffed and taken away.)
Commercial
Scene 7
(On a TV Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons deliver the news.)
Tom Tucker: Really Diane? The leeches just jumped off as soon as he died?
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom.
Tom Tucker: Wow. That's just wacky.
Diane Simmons: Our next story, three men were arrested yesterday. Two convicted of murder and one convicted of harboring a murderer. But these men were released and all charges were dropped when the pope called the white house and told them that Jesus appeared to him in the form of a bird and told him through a series or chirps that the three men were innocent.
Tom Tucker: Really Diane? The pope just pardoned them?
Diane Simmons: That's right Tom.
Tom Tucker: Wow. That's just wacky.
Diane Simmons: Can you say anything else Tom?
Tom Tucker: No I can't Diane.
Diane Simmons: Wow that's weird.
Tom Tucker: Yes it is Diane. It's just wacky.
(Cut to the Griffin's living room. Everyone is watching the news except Meg, who is not there)
Peter: Wow isn't that lucky how the pope has gone crazy in his old age.
Brian: Yeah I know.
Lois: Hey, has anyone seen Meg?
Brian: I haven't seen her since Quagmire left.
Peter: Huh.
(Telephones rings. Peter answers.)
Peter: Hello?
Meg: (On the phone) Dad help. I've been kidnapped.
Peter: Alright honey, be home by 11:00.
(Peter hangs up.)
Lois: Was that Meg?
Peter: Yeah.
Lois: Well where was she?
Peter: Oh, she's taking a nap at some kid's house.
Lois: Oh ok.
The End