Simon looked at the hatch to what he still thought of as Inara's shuttle and took a steadying breath. He hoped Kaylee would be inside, venting her frustration to Inara, but part of him was terrified to face her. He had sat thinking for almost an hour and had a bit more clarity, or at least calmness, in his mind, but he still wasn't sure what he would say to her. This was not just another stupid gaff Kaylee was going to forgive and forget. Her question had cut to the core of their relationship, and he had to handle it just right or – well, he could not bear the thought of what might be the alternative to not placating Kaylee this time.
He took another breath, and knocked softly. "Inara?"
Moments later, the hatch slid open to reveal Inara bouncing Zoe's baby on one hip. Inara's clothes were as casual as he had ever seen – he was pretty sure she was wearing one of Mal's shirts over her long skirt – but Inara looked anything but relaxed. She had a harried look in her eyes as she exclaimed, "Oh, Simon! Thank goodness you're here. Emma's been so fussy. I've fed her, burped her, changed her, tried playing with her, but nothing is settling her. I was just thinking of finding you."
Instantly concerned, Simon stepped into the shuttle and looked at the baby, who was alternately crying and whimpering. "Is she sick?" he asked.
"No, I don't think so," Inara replied and smiled, "but she usually calms for you." Inara abruptly handed him the infant.
For a moment, Emma looked surprised, but then she gazed at Simon and, true to Inara's expectations, smiled and quieted. Just in case, Simon felt her forehead, checked her pulse, and palpated her belly: all fine. Baby Emma giggled at his touch. He smiled back and started a little bounce in his arms to sooth her as he moved farther into the shuttle. Every time he held Emma, he thought what a little miracle she was, a gift not just to her widowed mother, but to the whole crew. Simon also felt the customary pang of sadness that Wash was not here to hold his daughter – as well as the frisson of guilt that Emma had taken to himself the way she should have done with her father. Simon did not put much stock in an afterlife, but he held a fervent hope that somehow Wash could see his beautiful child, know how much she was loved by all her aunties and uncles, and witness how much this child had done to help heal all the crew of the painful losses of and fallout from Miranda and beyond.
"You look so natural with her." Inara's voice roused Simon from his reverie. He looked up and smiled gratefully, and then returned his attention to the baby in his arms. As he continued a gentle sway, Emma's eyes began to close in sleep.
Inara asked quietly, "How old were you when River was born?"
"Eight," he replied in a low voice. He grinned as memories of a new-born River flashed in his mind. "At first, I was jealous of all the attention she got, and I threw a proper tantrum about it. My father sat me down then and explained that as big brother, it was my responsibility to look after her whenever they were not around." He shrugged. "Turns out, they weren't around very much. Dad was always so busy with his company, and Mother was wrapped up in their social circles. So, I got to look after River a lot." He gazed fondly at the near-sleeping infant. "She was a beautiful baby, too."
He walked over to the crib, gently lay Emma on the mattress, and pulled the blanket up to her chin. As he watched her curl up, he felt Inara move next to him at the crib railing. She brushed a light hand against his shoulder. "You'll make a wonderful father someday," she said warmly. The tips of his ears burned, but he smiled at her compliment. "And Kaylee will make a wonderful mother," she added.
He slumped, remembering what had brought him to seek out Inara. "Yes," he murmured, "she will."
"Oh, Simon, what's happened?" Concern and amusement vied in Inara's voice.
He took a deep breath. "She asked me... I said..." He sat heavily on a crate next to the crib and raked a hand through his hair. He wasn't quite sure where to start. Inara pulled up a chair and sat across from him, a patient but expectant expression on her face.
After a long pause, Simon asked, "Inara, do you ever miss home? Sihnon, I mean. Do you ever think of going back?"
Inara's eyebrow arched a moment, and she quirked up a corner of her mouth. "Sometimes," she admitted. "But not so much as I once did." Her expression misted a bit before she continued, "I miss the city lights at night and the countryside near my home sometimes, but... well, there are so many beautiful places in the Verse I have been so fortunate to see. I am happy to see more."
"And your career? If you could go back to the Guild, would you?"
Her eyebrow arched still more. "Well, given the rather pointed wording of my decommissioning, I would not expect the Guild to invite me back into their fold."
Simon was not letting her off that easily. As Kaylee had pressed him with the hypothetical, he pressed Inara. "But what if they did? If all were forgiven, would you go back if you could?"
"Do I want that life again, you mean?" she asked softly.
Simon nodded.
She looked away for a moment, her gaze in the direction of the sleeping infant, then out the shuttle window towards the ship's bridge poking just above the wall of the dry creekbed. "No," she finally said in a soft but firm voice. She looked back to Simon again, her face now smiling warmly. "I will admit I sometimes miss the civility and the comforts and, well, the respect, but truly, I would not trade what I have now for that life again."
"Because of Mal?"
"Mal, and other things." She gave a short laugh and rolled her eyes. "I suppose I really should thank the Guild, because releasing me from service pushed me into accepting that my life needed... attention that I'd been avoiding as a Companion. Not to mention knocking Mal's perennial objection out from under him. My career was not the only barrier between me and Mal, but it was certainly the lynchpin. I regret nothing of my life with the Guild, but now? No, I am where I need to be – where I want to be – now. I would not change that even if I could."
Simon considered her words. He certainly had never seen Inara happier than the last few months, after she and Mal had finally got together. He knew from their continuing arguments that not everything between them was smooth, but then, neither was everything between him and Kaylee easy, and they had been together several months longer. For that matter, he had heard Zoe and Wash rail at each other on several occasions. Maybe the frequent clash was just the way of couples who loved each other deeply – as long as they could find their ways back to each other.
He must have been silent a long while because Inara's voice startled him. "Do you think of going home, Simon?"
"I try not to," came his flat, automatic response.
Inara's skeptical stare told him she did not buy it, and he dipped his head in acquiescence. "When I first got River out, particularly after that first warrant came out, I told myself I could never think of home again. That I had to find another place for us. But of course, home was all I thought of those first few months. How much I missed it, how much I resented the reasons I had to leave. But even then, I knew what I was thinking of as 'home' just was not anymore, had not been for some time. I had started thinking of the hospital as home. I definitely belonged there, did great work there, felt useful, fulfilled..." He shook his head to stop going down that path again. "But of course that was denied me. No going back. Not ever." He pushed his palms down to push away those useless thoughts. He paused a long time, looking at his hands, and finally relaxed his fingers and placed them on his knees. "And in the meantime, I'd found Serenity, and this crew that took us in, and..." He smiled and looked up. "And Kaylee."
"You're confused about just what is home, aren't you?"
"I guess I am."
To his surprise, the look of sympathy Inara had in her eyes vanished, replaced by a look of exasperation, not unlike those she had given Mal on several occasions.
"I think your sister may be right," she said, her voice still low but now pointed. "You may truly be the stupidest gifted person ever to live."
Simon sat back, confused at her harsh words.
"You are evidently holding on to the foolish belief," she continued, "that all of this" – waving her hand to indicate Serenity in general – "will someday go away, when you know that is not going to happen. Serenity is your home, Simon, and better than you seem to appreciate, or maybe even deserve. You are managing to hold the most loving, caring, genuine woman in the Verse at arm's length, even after you have declared your love for her. And only because you are still just as scared as the day you walked on this ship."
He began to protest, but Inara cut him off.
"Hush, Simon. It's high time you heard this. Do you know what made Kaylee pine all those months for you when no one could understand why she did not just give up? What made her forgive every idiotic word that passed your lips? What made her fall in love with you?" He had wondered that himself many times, but Inara gave him no time to respond. "She saw how you were with River, knew how much you'd given up for your sister, and she figured someone like that must have profound capability for love, someone who might someday give up everything for her, too. She is the biggest romantic I've ever known, and you were her shiny knight."
Embarrassed to his toes by this undeserved depiction, Simon sputtered, "I'm not... She knows..." He took a breath and managed to pull together one coherent defense. "Kaylee knows I'd give my life for hers."
Inara's reaction made him feel like the time in rounds at MedAcad when, exhausted after a second all-nighter in a row, he had mistaken food poisoning for Elsinore's Syndrome and earned from the attending surgeon exactly the same withering look Inara now bore. "An admirable sentiment, certainly," she said, "and let us pray it never comes to that. But face it, a life out here on the Rim is cheap. What really matters is, would you give up your living for her?"
Simon sat stung. He could not pretend not to understand her. His living: his work at the hospital, his comfortable Core life, his prestigious family, and all the respect and security that went with those trappings. Everything he had already given up once for River. He may not have it to give up again, but if times could change, if he could have it back again... "Of course I... I mean... Of course..."
"Don't just say it, Doctor Tam. Mean it."
Her ferocity surprised him. The look in her eyes put him in mind of a lioness defending her cub. Inara called Kaylee "mèi mèi," like River was to him. Inara was daring him to deserve her own mèi mèi.
Réncí de fózǔ, he wanted to.
He leaned forward, ready to speak again, when River's voice echoed through the shuttle. "Crew's back!" she sung happily, signaling the return of Mal, Zoe, Jayne, and – with luck – their latest cargo in the mule. Grateful for a reason to evade the rake of Inara's further scrutiny, Simon lurched to his feet and declared sheepishly, "Time to get to work."
He bee-lined for the shuttle hatch and stepped one foot over the hatchway when a thought struck him. He turned back – Inara's glare still challenged him, even as she rose to check on Emma – and told her, "Companion or not, Inara, you still have everyone's respect. Nothing will ever take that from you."
Her expression softened a bit, and she inclined her head in a small, beneficent nod.
Simon smiled his thanks and exited the shuttle to meet the returning crew.
... ... ... ... ... ... ...