Universal Constant Number Three: McKay and Sheppard; two factions that will always appear to be at each others throats but are really watching their backs.
"That's mine." I said automatically, blinking. I turned towards the place where the sound was coming from, and listened. Yep, no doubt about it, that was my cell phone- there is no one else with that ring. Which leaves us with two questions a) who's calling? and b) how are they calling?
"What is that?" John asked, sounding slightly bewildered. "It sounds like..."
"Elvis singing 'Pink Elephants on Parade'." I finished for him, glad for an excuse to stop argueing with him. "Or, at least, an Elvis imitator singing 'Pink Elephants on Parade'. My ex-boyfriend from Honolulu did that as a side job- the ring tone was his going away present." I got off the bed and walked towards the drawer where Carson stashes people's clothes so they can't run away when they're supposed to be knocked out with morphine.
"Hold on chust a sec, lass, where do you think you're goin'" Carson protested, pushing me back onto the bed, which creaked in protest.
"To answer my phone." I answered, getting up again. Carson pushed me back down again.
"I'm sure whoever it is can wait." Carson declared. I rolled my eyes.
"Carson, no one from this time period has my number. I for one would like to know who's calling." I said, standing. "Now if you'll excuse me."
"I'll get it." Carson said, forcing me down again.
"But you don't know what it looks like!" I protested.
"Oh please, it's a phone, what could it look like." Dad said before Carson could answer. I glared at him.
"You are so not helping, Dad. And for your information, it looks like a bat." I added.
"A...bat?" Dad asked. Why is it that he can raise an eyebrow and I can't?
"Yes, a bat." Dad looked at me expectantly. Why can't he ever except a simple explanation? "It's Ancient." Nope, that's apparently not long and involved enough for him, if his "and..?" look is anything to go by. " And...if I tell you any more than that Shashi will cut my head off with a blunt ax."
"Shashi?" he inquired.
"Shashi." I confirmed. "Long story. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to tell you it, but I'm rather attached to my head, and would like to keep it that way."
The rather grating sound of Rob's voice increased in volume, and I could just barely make out the sound of some very nasty Gaelic curses being uttered. Considering the fact that Carson was tearing my densely packed bag of stuff apart less than twenty feet away from me at the time, you can imagine how loud it was. It must have been quiet annoying to have it ringing so loudly and not be able to see it.
"Give up yet Carson?' I questioned innocently, fighting the evil smirk that was threatening to take over my face.
"No." he answered tersely. The volume increased again, as did the swearing.
"I don't think your mother would approve of your use of language." I observed. Carson didn't reply, but that might have been because John had collapsed in a fight of coughs that were not a result of his lung infection.
"What?" Dad, Elizabeth, and Teyla asked. Carson probably asked too, but my phone had just doubled in volume and I couldn't hear him.
"She's hiding the phone from you doc." he shouted over the noise the reprise was making.
"Congratulations, you've just won ten brownie points." I commented, smirking as the music softened to a dull roar. The phone materialized on the bed slightly to the left of a squashed MRE from a cloak that, if I understood James' and Damek's excited technobabble ramblings correctly, is similar to the ones the Puddle Jumpers are equipped with.
"How'd ye bloody do that?" Carson asked, picking up the phone gingerly, as though it might explode any moment.
"Geniemabober." I replied, hastily snatching the phone away. It's eyes were blinking purple in time to the music, which was probably a good a sign as I could hope- it meant that Damek was on the other end. I flipped open the wings and began speaking.
"Damek? Naslouchat mne, my mít beznadejný bek vcas, a nemusím tebe príští a k clen urcitý nemocnice dobrý ted, ano?" I demanded.
"Lari, speak English, you know I can't understand Russian or Polish or whatever that was." came the annoyed voice of my closest friend Laquisha. I blinked in surprise.
"Okaaaay, several things. A) That was Czech, B) What are you doing with Damek's phone? And C) My name is not Larry. Larry is a cucumber with a lisp that hangs out on a counter top." I asked.
"How did you know...of that's right, Damek MacGyvered caller ID on these things. And like I said, whatever." Laquisha retorted. "What's going on? You were supposed to meet us at juncture seventeen about two hours ago. And what took you so long to answer?"
"Sorry, I was otherwise occupied." I shot a nervous look at the adults, who were watching me with considerable interest, all save Carson, who was taking this opportunity to tend to John.
"Crap. You did something stupid got yourself caught by the Genii again, didn't you?" Laquisha pressed.
"No, we've just gone back in time about thirty years or so." I answered. "Tell me again why you're using Damek's phone?"
"Oh, well, time travel, that's okay then. Thirty years? Wow, I don't think my parents are even dating..." Laquisha sounded a little winded. I grinned. What I wouldn't give to see the look on her face right now...
I jumped as a view screen appeared in the middle of what would have been the bat's stomach, presenting me with a very lovely view of Laquisha's ear. "Hey, Keesha. Hold the bat like a radio."
"How'd you...oh." Laquisha's face swam into view, looking tired and mildly surprised. "I didn't know these things could do that."
"Me neither. Cool, eh?" Laquisha nodded in agreement. "So, let me ask for the third time- what did you do to Damek?"
"Who said I did anything?" she asked with that all-too innocent look on here face that works on everyone else. "Well, I didn't mean to do anything... it just... sorta... happened?"
"This better be good, Sheppard." I growled, before another bought of coughing fits from behind me made me realize what I just said. "Shit!"
"What?" Laquisha asked, squinting at the screen.
"Your Dad's here." I answered guiltily. Oh, I was so dead.
"Dad? There? Really?" she squealed, understandably happy. She, like me hasn't seen her dad for any length of time in over five years. "Lemme see!"
"Not now, Keesha. First, you have to tell me where you are and what happened to Damek." I said glaring at the phone.
"Oh come, please?" she pleaded.
"No." I stated flatly.
"But I bet you got to see your Dad. You probably hugged him, too." She whined. "Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No matter how many times you it, the answer's still gonna be no."
"But that's not fair! I wanna see!"
I sighed. Time to fight fire with fire. "Tell me what happened, you must first do."
"But-"
"Dodge the question, you must not."
"Not Yoda, you aren't."
"Better than you, I am. Double negatives, I use not."
"Picky." Behind me, Dad muttered something in which the words "Twilight Zone" were distinguishable.
"Answer my question, you have yet to do." I pointed out, ignoring the adults.
Laquisha glared at me, and then let out an exasperated snort. "Managed to electrocute himself, Damek did. The pain killers and tranquilizers, I confused. Out cold, he is."
"You WHAT! Which tranq did you give him?" I demanded.
"Um...three blue leaves?" Shit! Stating a sentence as a question when it really shouldn't be is never a good sign.
"Why didn't you just use the chems! You're not a herbologist even when you aren't being held together by amphetamines and willpower."
"Because we're really, really short on chems! And it was just a few burns. Barely first degree, from what I could tell."
"Then why'd you give him anything?"
"Have you ever heard a really, really, whinny scientist?" I gave her a look that said quiet clearly (I hope) Well duh! I grew up in a house full of whinny scientists, and I'm engaged to that particular one!
"Okay, okay, not the smartest thing I've ever done. But you have to admit, it's not the stupidest either."
"Point taken. That would have to go to throwing that half-rotten kiwi thingies onto the balcony outside the control room."
"Hey! That was your idea!"
"You let me talk you into it." I pointed out, smirking slightly. "Three blue leaves?"
"Yes." she said, still pouting over the whole kiwi thing.
"Alright. That means he'll wake up about half an hour after administration, and then he'll be numb in his extremities for the next two hours."
"Okay, it wasn't too bad a mess-up." she said, exhaling slightly.
"Unless you count the fact that the pain killers are the orange bark."
"Oh, shut up."
"Yeah, that'll-"
"No seriously, shut up, I hear something."
I waited patiently for about a minute before deciding that I was going to need my patients later, and asking "Who does it sound like?"
"Well, I can't be certain, but it sounds like they're speaking in...Genii."
I closed my eyes slightly. This was so not good in so many ways I didn't know where to begin.
Well, actually, I did. "Shit."
"My thought exactly."
"Okay, listen, I want you to take cover. Do not contact me, unless they turn out to be ours. With any luck, it'll just be Petrel's family having a private conversation."
"I doubt it but-"
With a burst of static and the unwelcome sight of snow, the bat went dead.
AUTHOR'S NOTES, RESPONSES, AND GENERAL RAMBLINGS
Belisse-I'm updating now, does that count?
Seanait-You're dying? Well, we can't have that, can we?
Margaret- I'm glad you like it! And I'll try to keep up thegood work, so just let me know if I start to slip.
eris86-God, I hope that didn't ruin your computer.
paleoloca- blushes Well, I try.
Grey Bard-I'm glad you didn't flee. I'm also glad you like it. Now-what's a crackfic?
Yrica-Glad you love it. Hope it lives up to your expectations.
It's the purple thing right down there
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