It's not mine; it's all J.K. Rowling's.

Chapter 8: In Which Lily Retaliates

or

In Which Lily is in the Girl's Bathroom (with Potter)

Our heroine's last predicament:

I yelped in surprise and nearly levitated off of the floor, as the door flew open and the one, the only James Tristan Potter waltzed into the girl's bathroom.

ooo...ooo

The girl's bathroom. The keyword there was girl's (in case you didn't catch that).

Last time I checked, James Potter was not a girl. In fact, he was pretty much the anti-thesis of a girl, with his masculine jaw line and muscular figure and big strong hands (arms too) and ... Oh my gods! Who planted those thoughts in my head? What was I thinking?

This isn't the sort of thing I can just explain away ... let's just say I'm insane/suffering from a emotional breakdown and I simply wanted to prove that Potter shouldn't be in a girl's bathroom (Ha! I am the master of BS; I can bluff my way through anything).

All of that stuff about his yummy muscular figure and strong masculine jaw line that makes me just itch to run my fingers down it was ... darn, I did it again, didn't I?

What is wrong with me? Why is this happening to me?

Another choked off sob bubbled up and the tears started pouring faster.

I'm losing my mind. I can't even think normally anymore.

Why is this happening to me?

Who did I offend?

What great cosmic being is using me as the butt of a very sick joke?

I'd given up trying to stop the sobs at this point. I didn't even remember that James was there anymore until he knelt down beside me and pulled me into his arms, pressing my head to his shoulder and caressing my back in gentle, slow, soothing motions.

As I regained some of my self-control (and dignity) I managed to pull away a little and found myself looking him in the eyes.

His delectable, intriguing, amazing, entrancing, beautiful, hazel eyes. I'm such a goner.

"I'm sorry, Lily. Gods, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

I shook my head, words failing me in the face of his intense gaze. This isn't his fault. This is my fault! Me! I'm to blame.

I'm the one who kissed his shoe!

I'm the one who just had a 'slight' bought of claustrophobia!

I'm the one who got thrown out of Divination!

I'm the one who nearly died at the hands of some crazed Slytherin!

I'm the one having a gods cursed emotional breakdown!

And I most certainly am the one who is absolutely convinced that there is a voice in my head talking about James Potter and his jaw line (and muscles and lips and eyes and hands and I'm going to shut up now)!

But most undeniably and irrevocably of all, I'm the one who is positive that someone has installed magnets into James Potter's lips!

If that's not insanity, I don't know what is!

So to summarize, James really needn't be apologizing when I'm the one in need of psychiatric help.

Since this is all clearly my fault, I did what any self-respecting crazy person would do ... I latched back on to James' shoulder (which is actually very nice and warm and comforting) and renewed my crying ... this time over the fact I miss my sanity. James wrapped his arms more firmly around me and I felt much better. How odd is that?

It's probably because of those hands ... they're just so darn comforting. I cried myself out and even after my tears had stopped, James kept me in his arms.

"We're having a pretty rough day, aren't we?" He said, after a while, breaking the silence.

"Yeah," I agreed, giving a watery laugh. James shook his head and brushed some of my hair out of my face.

"I just don't understand how Vittles didn't see the passageways."

I was so busy contemplating the cute confusion on his face that I almost didn't catch what he was saying well enough to respond. I pretty much heard, "Vittles ... passageways." But I am a credit to my Head Girl title after all since I managed to put those two catch words into a whole thought. I sure hope he was talking about Vittles not being able to find the passageway, or else this is going to come out really weird.

"Oh, that's my fault," (oh joy, something else to add to the list, although this one's actually a good thing), "I somehow triggered a doorway or wall or something that shut the hallway off from the main one."

"Really? I didn't know that was possible," James said, his eyes lighting up with interest, "I'll have to tell the boys about that. They'll definitely be interested. If we could open and close entrances ... just think of the possibilities that would create ..."

I cleared my throat and his gaze came back to me from where he'd been staring, at some future prank only he could even imagine.

"Right," he said, blushing a bit and looking utterly adorable ... in an un-adorable way, "Well, we'll have to see if we can't get that hallway back open ..."

"If I were a trouble maker of dubious intention, which I'm not, but hypothetically speaking," I said, in a disinterested tone, cutting him off, "I would leave the hallway shut off because Vittles will be sure to check back there now in hopes of catching other ..." I almost said couples, but that's ridiculous.

Potter and I are not a couple. Not in the least. And the only reason I keep associating him with words like cute, adorable, and delectable is that I just had an emotional breakdown. And if you've had an emotional breakdown before, you know how damaging they can be to your brain.

"... people," I finished after a long pause that made the whole sentence sound convoluted. But really I'm being a nice person, giving James tips on trouble making and all.

"For a non-trouble maker, you sure think like one," James said, giving my hair a gentle tug. I tried not to shiver as he ran his fingers through my hair.

What? It's cold in here, ok? That's why I'm shivering, no other reason.

"You were looking for your bag, weren't you?" James whispered, his face extremely close to me.

All I could do was nod dumbly. Not because he was so close or anything. I think what happened is that emotional breakdown damaged my speech processors.

Nuzzling my neck, his words brushed over my skin, "You left it in Divination."

"Oh," I said. Not exactly eloquent, I know, but my speech processors are broken. Give me a break. Besides I was also busy trying to resist the urge to run in the opposite direction. The hair thing was fine, but I'm rather paranoid about the neck thing now and I wish he would stop.

"I stashed it with mine near the Defense room."

I put one of my hands on his cheek and pushed him back a bit (mainly away from my neck). Am I the only one who finds the neck thing rather odd? I mean, it's just so vampirish. All and all, I'd just like to head off any attempted neck kissing, as it gives me the willies.

James smiled at me in a way that made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world (even though I knew my eyes were red and my skin was all blotchy). He could have any girl he wants if he just smiles at her like that once a day.

Then the magnets switched on.

Our lips had just met and James was pulling me closer to him, gently parting my lips with his, when the door swung open and a group of giggling third years filed in.

We sprang apart and I leapt to my feet. James followed me up, although he was a bit slower. I braced myself against the wall, staring wide-eyed at the chattering girls, waiting for them to notice us. One girl, with the kind of silky black hair a red-head like me would be willing to kill for, glanced our way and her mouth dropped open. I gave her a small finger wave and a smile.

Maybe if I'm nice she won't do anything annoying ... like scream. I glanced at James and saw he was inching toward the door.

Then the girl started screaming. Stupid screaming sissy! All of the girls whipped around and stared at me in confusion. Then they spotted James and decided to lend their voices to the screaming cacophony in the bathroom. Bathrooms have really horrible acoustics.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I nearly ran over James as we bolted out the door and into the crowded hall. It was class change. Maybe we'll be able to escape in the crowd. James was ahead of me and I was struggling to keep up with him as we wove through the throng of people. Unfortunately for me, I was falling farther behind James with every step. Stupid tall people with their stupid long legs and consequently long strides.

"James!" I cried over the loud din of students. He turned around just in time to see me nearly get run over by a huge kid who must easily weigh 3 times what I do.

When I got my feet back under me and wasn't about to get run over, I looked for James. He was gone. Great! I peered at my surroundings. I was actually near the Dark Arts room, which conveniently enough was my next class.

I felt someone brush against my side and I looked down. Shoot. I've still got James' shoe. At least it isn't glowing anymore. That probably means my face isn't glowing anymore either! Wonderful.

I started down the hall, then an arm wrapped around my waist. I whirled around and saw James, grinning goofily at me.

"Didn't think I would abandon you, love, did you?" I felt my stomach flip-flop at his endearment ... 'love'.

Well, that doesn't mean he loves you, I reminded myself sternly. Which was a darn good thing because I'd hate to be forced to break his heart. You know ... since I don't feel the same way. He's such a nice guy. And smart, too, hopefully smart enough not to do something dimwitted, like fall in love with me since I could never love him back. Never ever (with the possible exception of insanity, but I can't be held accountable for that).

I realized I was staring at him and broke my gaze, blushing.

"Come on," he said, guiding me down the hall.

I'm lucky no one can read thoughts at Hogwarts or else they'd think I'm in love with James Potter, which I'm not ... just in case whoever you are is listening. And by the way, it's not polite in the least to listen in to other people's thoughts, so you should cease and desist immediately.

James led me up to a painting next to the Defense classroom.

"Hey, gorgeous," he said, winking at the pretty girl in the painting. She giggled and fluttered her impossibly long eyelashes at him.

"Can I get those bags back from you?"

"Sure," she said, increasing the eyelash fluttering. I suppressed the urge to gag in disgust. Typical Potter, even flirting with portraits.

The portrait swung open to reveal a small niche in the wall. James grabbed both of our bags out and swung them over his shoulder. I tried to grab mine from him, but he kept his hand firmly around both straps. He's such a git. Why won't he just give me my bag?

The portrait swung closed again and the girl started complimenting Potter on his 'dreamy eyes' (come on, they aren't that 'dreamy'). Potter seemed to be enjoying himself, though. He didn't even notice when I gave a little cough to get his attention.

Well fine, he can just be like that. I stormed off into the Defense room and sat down next to Remus, who was frantically scribbling out the homework.

"Done," he said, putting down his quill with a flourish.

He looked at me curiously. "Is that James' shoe?" He asked, and I hit him over the head with it.

"Of course not," I said. And even if it was (which it is), I most certainly wouldn't tell him

I wonder how he knew. It looks like a pretty normal shoe to me. How in the world would you just know it was Potter's?

You wouldn't! You couldn't! So why would Remus immediately assume I was carrying Potter's shoe around? Do I look like the sort of girl would carry around James Potter's shoe! No, I don't!

I hit Remus again.

He yelped, "What was that for?"

"For assuming." Stupid assuming Remus and his stupid correct assumptions.

I turned to the front of the classroom as Vittles walked in and stalked up to his desk. Apparently the hysterical laughing mood was gone. Pity. It's actually kind of amusing ... as long as he isn't laughing at me (which he had been, so it isn't all that amusing now that I think about it).

"Notes today," he barked and the entire class groaned.

"Remus," I whispered, "Can I borrow some parchment and a quill?" I can't use my own because stupid Potter has my stupid bag.

"Are you sure you don't want to keep the parchment?"

I rolled my eyes as he passed the supplies over. Remus was the sort who always insisted on using the correct words.

For instance, we did well, not good.

Or here's a theoretical conversation:

"Can I take this book?"

"I don't know can you?"

Theoretical me rolls my eyes at his theoretical stupidness.

"May I take it?"

"Yes, you may."

I was diligently copying the notes Vittles was flicking on to the board with his wand when something sharp stung into the back of my head. I rubbed the back of my head in annoyance.

After a quick glance to make sure Vittles wasn't looking, I spun around in my seat and glared at everyone behind me. They didn't pay much attention.

Goodness, couldn't they tell I was trying to glare at them? I eyed them all suspiciously and slowly turned back around.

None of them had given any indication, not a smile or a twitch, to indicate they'd been the one who'd done it. I spotted what had hit me on the floor next to my chair as I turned, so I leaned down and grabbed it.

It was a balled up bit of parchment. I scrabbled it open and discovered it was actually a muggle sticky note. Who in the world would have muggle sticky notes (except for me)? As far as I know I'm the only one who uses them. They're so useful ... I always keep a few in my bag.

My bag ... which Potter has. That ... that ... idiot! I strongly dislike him! I felt another sting, this time on my arm.

I whipped around, not even bothering to check if Vittles was looking and glared right at Potter, who was bent diligently over his notes with my pad of sticky notes sitting innocently next to his parchment. I stared daggers at his stupid shaggy head of hair and turned back around.

I hadn't even picked up my quill yet when a ball of packed post-it note hit my ear, rebounded off the table, and landed under Remus' chair.

That is it!

That is more than it!

That sorry, unworthy, piece of ... refried jelly bean! He's going to get it.

I swooped down under Remus' chair, grabbed the post-it ball, twirled in my seat, and fired it at James Potter's head.

Since it's such an exceptionally large target, I was actually confident in my ability to hit it.

I did it! It hit him right on top of the head. Score!

He clearly hadn't been expecting retaliation and his head shot up and he cried, "What the ..." He cut off when Vittles glared at him.

"Mr. Potter, a word of advice. The best way to show your feelings of affection for a woman is not to pellet her with balls of parchment."

James actually had the grace to blush at that. I agree entirely with Vittles (for the first time ever), not that it matters since Potter doesn't have any feelings for me, affectionate or otherwise ... he just can't.

"And Miss Evans."

No, not me! I swear I'll never retaliate again!

"While I understand the desire for vengeance, you should remember that it was your poor decision to become involved with such a delinquent that has placed you in this position in the first place."

I am not 'involved' with him! No 'involvement'! None! Not any! I hate Vittles. What a jerk. I'm really red (think tomato or fire hydrant); I just know I am. My face feels like it's on fire. This is so embarrassing.

"Now, back to the notes, please," Vittles said, flicking even more notes on to the board.

I'm having such a bad day.

The bell rang at the end of class and I couldn't have been more relieved. I stayed in my seat until the entire class (including Vittles) had filed out because I have a feeling that I would do best just to avoid the world until later.

"Ugh," I groaned and levered myself out of my seat. I don't particularly feel like moving.

"You have really good aim, sweetheart. You aren't interested in being my reserve chaser, are you?"

"Shut-up, Potter." I hadn't even realized he was still in here.

"Here's your bag."

"Oh ... thanks," I said sarcastically. I took my bag from him, none to nicely (I more snatched it), and slung it over my shoulder. I looked down at the shoe sitting on my desk.

"Oh, James, dear, here's your shoe." I held it up by the laces and let it swing back and forth.

"Thanks," he said eagerly, reaching for it.

I gave it an extra forceful swing and let it soar into the air. Hehe.

"I've got it," James called. I guess that's the seeker in him coming out. He just loves to catch things. With his head turned upward, watching the shoe as it began its descent, he moved forward to catch it and ran right into me.

"Potter," I cried, as the force that he ran into me with caused us to stumble backwards in a tangle of limbs. I gave a short shriek as I felt the table run into my butt. Not because it hurt or anything, but because we all know what me (while I'm entangled with Potter) running into a table means.

Sure enough, James and I went sprawling over the surface and with a completely clichéd and over-used crack, the thing split into thousands of tiny little pieces, leaving gravity to do its work on James and me.

I caught a surprised look in James' eyes while we fell. I can't think why he's surprised. Honestly, who didn't see this coming?

I bounced a bit off the floor as I landed, only to be squished solidly flat by Potter's impact on top of me. My breath wheezed as I sucked in gulps of air, trying to replace what Potter had knocked out of my lungs.

"I'm sorry!" James cried, trying to scramble off of me. Unfortunately his attempts were foiled by his shoe, which had landed near his left foot. When he tried to get better footing, he tripped (looking quite adorable while he was about it) and sprawled back over me and this time the magnets switched on.

Stupid magnets.

Before I knew what was happening (obviously) that accidental kiss turned into kisses, and that's pretty much how Vittles found us when he walked back into his classroom 10 minutes later. In my defense, we had moved off the floor a bit. I was sitting, braced against a desk leg and James was leaning into me.

I had actually been enjoying myself ... whatever else I can say about James Potter, he is an excellent kisser, but we'd already established that; hadn't we?

I pushed James away from me as soon as I realized we had an audience.

What had I been thinking? I'm going insane! Why, oh why, must these magnets plague me? The world is so unfair!

Alright, I need to calm down. Another emotional breakdown is the last thing I need right now. Deep breaths, Lily, deep breaths.

"While you have often expressed your wish to make my classroom a second home, Mr. Potter, I would appreciate it if you left romantic rendezvous to other places."

"I ... I ... " I started a few sentences that never quite made it into being, but if they had come out, they would have been something like this: "I'm having a terrible day and if you continue to make it worse I'll rip out your rib cage and use it as umbrella." Or, the ever popular, "I swear, if I were an extremely talented and powerful witch in Transfiguration, I would transform you both into frogs and toss you into the lake, so I'd never have to see you again."

I decided (using much forethought) that these sentences would not be received well and unanimously voted with myself that leaving would be my best strategy.

"Umm ... well I've got to go." I ran into another desk as I backed toward the door and after stumbling around it I looked up to see Vittles and Potter regarding me oddly.

"Bye!" I cried and ran out of the room. As soon as I'd left that accursed and utterly horrible room, I stopped and leaned against the wall next to the door. Out of sight to those in the room, but easily noticeable to those who might be leaving said room.

I wasn't waiting for James or anything, but just ... catching my breath. From the front of the classroom to the door is a long run ... really.

Oddly enough James didn't come out, which didn't really matter since I wasn't waiting for him or anything.

I edged back to the door and peered through. I saw James fixing the desk while Vittles watched. That's nice of James. I suppose it is his fault it's broken, though.

"I must say Mr. Potter, you could not have picked better."

James looked up, "She's wonderful, isn't she?"

Whoa, they're talking about me!

"Quite a remarkable young lady. I'm simply surprised she would have you."

I'm not having him! Oh Merlin, that sounded wrong. But still, I'm not.

James blushed. "I know," he muttered.

Well that's not exactly true. I mean, I'm not too good for him or anything. And when you get down to it, he's not too good for me either. The problem is that we're just not too good together.

ooo...ooo

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. If you feel like reviewing it most certainly wouldn't be discouraged.

Daystar – I really like my letter. I think this is definitely a good one. There are certainly some things I would like to fix, but it's better than most. Of course I'll probably hate it by tomorrow. The movies were fun yesterday!

HarryluvsMoaningMyrtle – James didn't move because being the lovely and chivalrous gentleman he is (on occasion), he didn't wish for Lily to be caught out of class by Vittles and receive a detention. Isn't the sweet of him? You did miss the bit where Lily steals James' shoe off of his foot, but I'm sure it would be simple to find.

devOtion – Good picture, isn't it?

Shattered Serenity – Vittles does rhyme with skittles, doesn't it? Hehe. I hadn't even realized. Truth be told I named him after operation vittles, or in terms normal people understand when the allies air lifted stuff into Berlin. I guess I probably shouldn't write my fic in History class. Still it's a lovely name. Please don't pull out the gun! I promise I'll work on being a better poster.

TajM – Don't feel lazy! If it hadn't been so easy to make mine fit I'd never have done it. I'm just not going to put a potions professor in there. I figure that will work just fine.

Jane – I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with shoes. I'd just say I'm not very creative and, thus, when I'm forced to come up with something to talk about I simply revert to one of my old standbys: shoes, soap, goldfish etc …

Sunflour – I think they would be considered by most an item, but of course dearest Lily is still in denial and James darling is most insecure about his standings in the feelings of dearest Lily (although, it's fair to say he does believe they're an item (he just doesn't know if she's madly in love with him yet)).

Brittany – Who isn't trying to avoid HW? Hehe. Thanks for reading! I'm glad you liked it. I'm going to e-mail you later (when I get off my lazy but and access my e-mail (although really I wouldn't even have to get up)).

CourtneyFaith – Thanks ever so much! It's kind of weird to get a review from a friend of a friend, but fun nonetheless. I hope you like this new chapter.

Genuinescence – No worries, I'd never accuse you of being Paris Hilton. James is just in general rather hot, isn't he? Hehe.

Vixen-raven-wolf – I was rather worried about multiple personality disorder at first, but clearly you guys have other more pressing problems. Hehe. Just kidding. I'm glad you guys enjoyed reading my fic so far. I will be sure to watch out for butterflies and squirrels in the future.

Thanks and hugs for: Lo, siriusforeva, skyhoofhearted, famousindafuture, FrEgOrGeLuVeR225, GoddessoftheMaaN, fae, IloveDM, Kiyda, drumer girl, Lady-Slytherin-Warrior, Procrastinator-starting2moro, FireDemonKitsune84, moviechicka, ST3, x-woman1, Duck-a-roo, me, Wrinkles the Troll, xfallsofastx, Prongsie-Jamsie, graceypoo, Missrs, Lizzieboo, chunky-01, xStillxWaitingx, and the-honest-liar.