Chapter Twenty-four

"In this house of mud and water,
my heart has fallen to ruins.

Enter this house, my Love, or let me leave."

- Rumi

The caves were much more sparsely inhabited than the beach. Sun and Jin had once lived there, but after their reconciliation, they had moved to the beach, where they could have their own shelter. There was not much privacy in the caves for lovemaking, and those who remained were those who had no one. Perhaps it was fitting that Sayid should live here.

He had thought it would be easier in the caves; he would not have to see Nadia across the fire at night. But always Nadia passed through in the morning to gather water on her way to Sun's garden, and always Sayid caught her eye before heading out to begin his own labors.

The showers were in the caves, too, although everyone also got at least one hot shower per week in the hatch, according to a set schedule. Sometimes, after Nadia had been working her hands deep in the garden, Sayid would be in the caves when she returned; he would watch her slip behind the tarp to shower; he would see her clothes tossed over the rim. Then he would command his imagination to cease, but it would disobey him.

This morning, after Nadia passed through, Nasser arrived. He was walking much more ably now; he still could not run well, but he had no problem with the hike to and from the caves. He greeted Sayid with a forced air of indifference. Sayid wondered what, precisely, he suspected.

Jack now drew up behind Nasser. "I'm headed for the hatch," he said. "It's supposed to be my shift with the computer, but I need to tend to two patients there. Would you take over for me?"

Nasser nodded. "We leave now?" he asked.

"Yes," replied Jack, and they began to leave the caves.

Sayid had planned to do some renovations on the beach shelters this afternoon, but now all he could think about was Nadia. He clenched his fists as he exited the caves, and he forced himself to walk towards the beach. After a few steps in that direction, however, he turned and made his way to Sun's garden. Sun was on one end of the patch, Nadia on the other. He kneeled beside Nadia and whispered, "Nasser has taken a shift in the hatch. He will not return for hours."

Nadia glanced nervously at Sun and then back at Sayid. He saw in her face excitement mingled with self-reproach, remorse contending with need. "I have changed my mind, Sayid," she whispered back. "I do not wish to be weak."

"Walk with me only," he said. "I just want to talk to you."

"Are you sure that is all you want?" she asked.

"It is all I ask."

She glanced again at Sun and then rose from the earth. "I am going to take a short break," she said to the Korean. "I am going for a walk."

Sun nodded as though the event were unremarkable, but her curious eyes followed them as they strolled from the garden. They walked in silence a long ways, and then they sat down together in the shade.

Sayid wanted desperately to take her hand, but he did not dare allow himself even that small contact. When several minutes had passed and he still had not spoken, Nadia asked gently, "What did you wish to speak to me about?"

He let out a long and tremulous sigh. "Why do you love Nasser?" he asked.

He thought she would not answer, but soon she began to speak. "He was a different man when I married him. He was exciting, charming, kind…and he was devoted to me. He made me feel…I cannot describe how he made me feel. Some men change for the better. But some men change for the worse."

"Did he betray you?" he asked, although he knew the answer.

"Yes. More than once. And with more than one woman." He heard her swallow. Was she swallowing back tears? "You do not think," she asked, "that I…that I tried to use you to revenge myself against him?"

Sayid shook his head.

"I love you, Sayid."

"I believe you," he said simply.

"Every time he begged for my forgiveness," she continued, "and every time, for awhile after, I would see the old Nasser. I thought…I thought if I just kept loving him, the man he had once been would return to me. And sometimes he did. Sometimes he still does. It may be for a day, for an hour, or for a minute. And in those moments I love him as much as I ever did."

"What happened in London?"

He saw her begin to toy nervously with her fingers, rubbing her thumb across one of her nails. "I should not have asked," he said. "If you do not wish to tell me--"

"I did not even know Nasser was there," she said, interrupting him and studying her hands as she spoke. "He would leave for weeks at a time sometimes. He could tell me nothing because of his work. But one day he called me and told me where he was."

She paused. It was clear to Sayid that the memory pained her, and he regretted his question. "He said he had met a woman, and that he was not sure if he was coming back." She glanced at Sayid, and he saw the humiliation flicker briefly across her countenance before it was replaced with a stoic mask. "He said he would call me to let me know in a week. He made me wait and wonder for a week. For seven days, Sayid."

Now that he knew the full extent of Nasser's actions, Sayid found himself reflexively echoing Libby's question. "Why did you stay with him?"

"He returned to me. I knew I did not deserve such treatment, but I had also made a vow, and vows are not easily broken…at least, I cannot easily break them. But more than any of that, a part of me kept hoping."

"Your hope," he said softly, "can inspire a man to search for redemption. I know that. But this is different. You began a positive change in me, yet Nasser chose to become something worse even when he had you by his side—even then. I cannot comprehend that, Nadia."

She did not look at him.

"And he still has not changed," Sayid insisted. "Even on this island, where everyone changes." He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Libby told me she spoke to you."

She nodded silently.

"Then you know he has not changed." He heard her sigh and saw that the tears were damned in her eyes. She held them back. "Leave him," he said decisively.

"And go where, Sayid? We are on an island."

He reached out and took her hand. "Come to me."

"Do you want that?" she asked.

"Yes. I do not relish the idea of being a homewrecker, but how much home remains to wreck?"

Although she was silent, her eyes answered, Not much.

"I loved you for a long time, Nadia, or at least an idea of you. I let go of that idea, and that letting go afforded me the privilege of loving again and the sorrow of losing again. And then I saw you again…"

He eased himself closer to her, so that their shoulders touched while he continued to hold her hand. "And that love became real once more—more real than in all those years of searching, because now it is the real you I find myself loving. I strove not to fall in love again…but…" He trailed off and sighed. He felt her hand tighten in his own. He looked down at the place where skin met skin, and he found himself pleading, "Nadia, come to me."

"I want to, Sayid. You do not know how much I long to. But I cannot not imagine what Nasser would do--"

"I will protect you."

"--to you, Sayid. To you."

"I will defend myself. Nadia, we cannot go on like this. Either we must cut ourselves off from one another completely, and therefore cut off temptation, or you must divorce him and come to me. You know I am never going to be your illicit lover, and you would not want that. And if I cannot be your husband, I dare not be your friend. So you must choose between us."

"I need time," she said.

"How much?"

"A few days, to pray, to think, to decide."

He nodded. "Until then, we cannot see each other again. I will move back to the beach, but…I will not sit at the common fire at night. And you, too, must do better to avoid me."

"I understand," she said. She turned and kissed his cheek, gently, the lightest and simplest of touches. Yet he drew away from the heat, and he let go of her hand. When she began to walk back to the garden, he turned and walked the other way.