I'm baaaaaaack! Yes and more Dynasty Warriors crack as I've left off…wow, everyone seems so OOC here…I'll try to fix that now…it's been awhile since me last update. Okay…enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Dynasty Warriors

Chapter V: A Recipe for Disaster!

Yes, it's me Lu Xun yet again!

Let's go back to where we last left off…now what was that? Oh yes, yes!

So Zhao Yun ran and ran from that nasty nurse lady. Boy, she jumps into the arms of the first guy she sees…she needs a life. I mean, he's not even as hot as…me!

Right, back to the story, so he ran for awhile and he was so fast, he was faster than a speeding bullet! Well…no not really. They ran through the halls, screaming like there was no tomorrow.

She was getting closer and closer with every minute. Man, can she run fast!

I don't think Zhao Yun even looked where he was going cause the next thing he knew, he bumped into Lord Sun Quan who obviously still did not know where on Earth the bathroom was. I commend his powerful bladder for holding out that long actually…

"It's that guy from Shu!" Lord Sun Quan exclaimed, totally forgetting his name probably from all the pain he felt since he didn't get to pee yet.

Zhao Yun, too frightened to be caught by the freaky nurse lady, collided into Lord Sun Quan.

"What is the meaning of this?" Lord Sun Quan asked as he stood up. But as he looked up, he saw that horridly and disturbingly ugly nurse towering above him and Zhao Yun!

Lord Sun Quan shrieked like a little girl. "Oh heavens, save me!" he cried out. I think he wet himself. I mean in that situation, I know I would…

"Now you know the meaning of this!" Zhao Yun exclaimed, running off. Lord Sun Quan, frightened, ran as well.

Then I changed the camera, trying to follow them, but no, even if I had been using that surveillance system for like what so long…I pressed the wrong button. The alcoholic smell of the hospital must've corroded my brain cells! Ugh!

I saw Jiang Wei, who had apparently gotten lost from his idol, smiling as he saw Zhou Yu in a skirt pass by. He had his hands behind his back as me muttered something to himself.

Zhuge Liang's protégé then approached Zhou Yu. "Excuse me…" he muttered shyly, with his hands behind his back.

"Damn it! Now Zhuge Liang will hear about this! Why?" Zhou Yu murmured rather softly. But I hear everything! Wa ha ha! Ahem…

And then Jiang Wei took out a big bouquet of flowers. "I actually, kind of like you, Miss Nurse…" he said, blushing. Jiang Wei fiddled with his fingers as Zhou Yu held the bouquet in his hands, dumb-struck by it all.

I laugh! Ha, ha!

Hey, Zhou Yu should wear a skirt more often! Think of all the soldiers we could recruit if we got him to advertise the army in a nearly transparent, really short skirt. The soldiers are always so horny…which probably explains my new bare stomach outfit and all our brand new female Wu soldiers.

Zhou Yu's face flushed. He looked like he was about to faint, which I expect he would've done, had that caped freak not arrived on the scene. He was signing, "Daa-daa-dum-daa-dum-dum!" in an awfully off-key and earsplitting voice. Whoever made that new superhero theme song of his should perish in hell.

"Ugh! Heaven knows I suffer with idiots!" Zhou Yu screeched, running away from the two.

The caped menace looked confused, "What was that about?"

"I think you scared him away, Ma Chao." Jiang Wei told him, sadly.

"Ma Chao? I'm not Ma Chao! I am Super Ma Chao!"

Then Jiang Wei bowed his head so that his eyes would be covered by the shadow of his head which gives a dramatic effect and that kind of crap. "The one person I actually liked…" he murmured, looking up, "With the exception of the Prime Minister cause he's just so awesome and hot and so strong and manly. He's just the smartest and the best, I mean, his ebony mustache is like the hottest around and he has the best body, so buffed up and he's just the best strategist in the world. He's so cool and flawless, no one can compare to him and he's just so kind and sweet and every time you see him it's as if time stops…"

He was then interrupted by Ma Chao's loud snores. I don't blame him for falling asleep though.

"Hey! Listen to my lengthy and obviously not factual fanboy monologue about how cool the Prime Minister is, Ma Chao!" Jiang Wei pouted.

"I-I'm not Ma Chao!" the loon exclaimed, aroused from his sleep, "Shush. That's my secret identity!"

"But everyone knows who you are, Ma Chao."

"You're right; I should find a side-kick, for justice!"

"I didn't say anything like that." Jiang Wei protested, "Ma Chao, are you high on drugs?"

"For justice!" the caped maniac cried, running off to find a poor victim for him to harass into being his new sidekick.

Shaking his head, Jiang Wei said, "Hmm…maybe I can find that really cute nurse and tell her all about the Prime Minister and possibly try to get her to like me in the most cliché ways imaginable!"

Seriously…there's something wrong with those Shu people.

Just then, Zhuge Liang appeared. "Jiang Wei? Where are you?" that Zhuge Liang fellow hollered. I personally don't like him…he's like an OMFGWTF, So PeRfEcT like ph34r me!1!111 Pft. Hey, lookie, I learned that weird language those frightening girls use on the internet:D

Then I pressed the wrong button again…I feel so bad…

This time, it was back to Ling Tong and Gan Ning.

They were hugging each other, shaking so much. Their legs were like jello. Cool! Not the green kind though with the coconut bits…like the red one cause we're all ridiculously color coded in a way that it would be easy for the enemy to obliterate our soldiers without mistakenly hitting their own in the process.

One of the dead bodies was like moaning and then the toes started wiggling, which made them both scream and start to bang on the door, asking for help.

"I'm too young and frickin' piratey to die!" Gan Ning wailed, "Eat Ling Tong! He tastes better."

"Thank you and damn you, Gan Ning!" Ling Tong hissed, "No, we gotta work together!"

"You're right. What do we do?" the pirate asked until the other general grabbed him and used his thick skull to try to bash the door down kinda like a battering ram. But it didn't work.

"Y-you killed my brain cells!" Gan Ning yelled as if not affected from being fatally hit on the noggin.

"Not a problem…there's not much brain cells to kill anymore." Ling Tong sneered.

Suddenly, the body moaned again and started to sit up. The cloth that covered it stared to slide down its face.

The two Wu generals hugged each other again and screamed like banshees.

Then I got scared and pressed the button. On purpose this time! Honest!

I saw Lord Sun Ce wandering around, until Ma Chao came out of no where and placed his arm on Lord Sun Ce's shoulder. "You shall be my new sidekick."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, eying Ma Chao.

"You shall join me in my adventures to uphold justice!"

"Who's justice?" Lord Sun Ce asked, bewildered like always.

The superhero shook his head. "It is the one thing we must protect and worship! Our new master!"

"What's in it for me?"

"Money, power, girls and booze."

"Woah! Really?"

"Actually…no, not–"

"I'm in!"

"Great!" Me Chao exclaimed, throwing Lord Sun Ce some spandex, "Quick wear your costume to hide your identity!"

Then I turned the camera somewhere else, yet again…it was the parking lot.

Don't blame me! My finger slipped! And it was the alcoholic smell! Yes, the smell…

Lu Bu was panting, surrounded by a hundred bodies and smashed up, burning cars. The maniac let out a monstrous laugh.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Fear me, O, Parking!" he cackled. Then he stopped to think, which I think was probably a first for him. "Hmm…parking sounds kinda catchy…" Lu Bu murmured to himself, "Parking...Oh! I shall now be called The Warrior Named Parking, Formerly Known as Lu Bu©! Yeah!"

…

Right…

…

Then he left to go into that hospital, skipping merrily, leaving craters the size of Texas in his wake.

Right after, leaving, coincidentally, I saw Cao Cao, sitting atop Xu Zhu's shoulders with his arms folded across his chest. His right-hand man, Xiahou Dun held these horse reigns around Xu Zhu's mouth. Oh man…Cao Cao must be such a cheapskate to actually lessen budget on the horses.

"Oh boy, am I tired. So much walking in one day!" the Wei leader sighed, stretching atop his blubbery bodyguard/new horse.

Xiahou Dun looked to his boss. "Cousin, what are we doing visiting that annoying brat of Wu?" he asked.

He called me an annoying brat? That bastard…he's so mean…I sniffle.

"Isn't it obvious, Xiahou Dun? I'm going to kill all those useless enemies of ours in one swift blow since they're all here anyway." Cao Cao laughed, taking out a shiny contraption which resembled a lady's panty.

"What is it?"

"It's something new I ordered from this pornogra – this really not perverted and wholesome magazine!" Cao Cao said, brandishing the contraption.

The one-eyed general looked at it one more, slightly doubtful this time. "Really? What was the name of the magazine?"

"Why is that important?" Cao Cao stammered, "The thing is we've got a new B.O.M.B! That shall explode in all its fury!"

Well, considering that Cao Cao did get it from a dirty magazine…I wonder what the bomb does and why is it shaped like a panty?

"Come, we shall plant the bomb and watch it explode, then we shall look at all the young and sexy women in the hospital!" the Wei leader cackled, signaling his subordinate to move Xu Zhu, "And send the assassin to get that pyromaniac Wu kid…erm…what's his name…oh yeah, Billy."

What the hell? Billy? That's a mile away from the target, you retard.

Suddenly, butterflies appeared out of no where and the gay dude from Wei, Zhang He appeared with a flash of light, with five other gays wearing thick make up as they did some erotic dance moves to some Britney Spears song.

"I shall take care of that Billy of Wu!"

I'm not Billy! Oh, wait…that meant he was gonna kill me!

I'll leave it there for awhile, till I get more zany ideas…