Disclaimer: Don't own anything. But I wish I did.

Chapter One

McDonalds. Give me a burger, fries, and a coke and I'll live happily ever after. The best kind of food for hangovers. What else can I say? I hardly ever drink and when I do, it only takes a couple of shots. Usually I have a drink or two for distraction, or if I'm with Morelli….well, lets not go there.

I'm Stephanie Plum, also know as the Bombshell Bounty Hunter. I never liked that name. Its ridiculous….so I've blown up a few cars, was "kinda-involved" in a funeral burning, and have had the worst time with stalkers. I guess I've been lucky. Ever since I was laid off working as a lingerie seller I've been working for Vincent Plum, my distant cousin as a Bond Enforcement Agent. Chasing after skinny white boys and fat men, who on occasion are giving me the chance of seeing them naked…….whew!

I do have an okay body. I'm on the all chicken wing, Boston crème donuts, upside down pineapple cake, and the daily McDonalds diet. Sure, if it wasn't for my Hungarian genes I'd probably be a blimp. I also inherited my hand gestures and my untamed brown curly afro from the Italian side.

I quickly chugged the rest of my coke in the "Big Blue" and sat in front of the bond office. "Big Blue" was a '53 Buick that my dad couldn't appreciate enough. I looked in my mirror and saw that there were dark circles underneath my eyes, my hair was unruly, and there were a couple of scratches on my face. I was wearing a sweatshirt with spandex shorts underneath and new white tennis shoes. I walked into the office and right to the couch.

"Hey girl! What's up with your face? Get into a fight with a cat?" Lula asked as she kneeled down to do some filing, something she NEVER did. Lula was an ex-hooker who usually spent her time riding shotgun with me while I was after some FTA's (failed to appear).

"I ran into Joyce." Eeek. Joyce Barnhardt. I hated her. While I was married to Dickie Orr she decided she'd come over and for a house-welcoming gift she gave my husband (now ex-husband) the time of his life on our newly polished dining room table.

"What happened?" Connie asked as she stopped painting her nails a bright red.

"Ugh." I laid back on the couch and sighed. "All I wanted was to have a quiet night doing distraction for Ranger. But no, she had to come and start shit."

"What'd that skank say?" Lula questioned as she stopped filing and sat by me.

"Stuff about her and Joe. How I couldn't keep a guy. Basically all the things I already knew but never heard someone else say it."

"Oh sweetheart, don't think that. She has sex with Vinnie….you think you should take her word? She barks like a dog. I'm sure she oinks like a pig too." Connie said, if I wanted to I could ask Connie to ask her husband to get rid of Joyce for me. Connie didn't talk about it much, but she was related to the mob whether she liked it or not. I grew up listening to stories about her family. They were legendary. I heard a sudden intake of breath and knew it was either Ranger or a man dressed up as a jelly-filled donut, which sounded really good about now.

"Anything new?" Ranger asked Connie. I opened up one eye and saw him dressed in his usual, black slacks, black shirt, hair tied back……one word, YUM!. He looked at me and did his half-smile, "Can I talk to you outside?" I nodded and followed him outside into the alley. He pushed me up against the wall and kissed me lightly on the lips. "What happened?" He asked as he touched the scratch marks on my face."

"Ran into Joyce after your distraction last night."
"Babe." I pushed him off and started to pace in front of him. "What's going on?" I stopped and looked at him. The concern showing in his eyes. What was I going to say? 'My job is driving me to the brink of insanity' ?

"Nothing." Ranger and me go way back. Okay, I lied. We've known each other ever since I started this job. Since then I've blown up tons of cars, captured many FTA's, had a handful of stalkers who could break into my apartment, and had this dilemma with him and Morelli.

Joseph Morelli and I have known each other since we were little. He was Italian and a cop with the nicest ass in Jersey. He taught me the Choo Choo game when I was little and then taught me the sequel of it on the bakery floor while I was in high school. I ran him over with the Buick and broke his leg and then he was my first FTA. How lucky could I get? We've been in this on-off again relationship and now its completely off. He disliked….no wait, he hated my job and he couldn't handle the stress.

Ranger, on the other hand, didn't care about my job. He was a Cuban-American with a God-like body and a mocha-type skin color. He supported me and always protected me. Even if I felt like I didn't need it. Whenever I was near Ranger, I could never think straight. He told me once his life didn't lead to relationships….but then again, he told me he loved me…..in his own way.

"I smell something burning babe. Thinking?" I looked up at him and gave him my best smile.

"I'm taking the day off. Later." I walked off, holy crap! This was the first time I've ever left before Ranger. Breathe. Just breathe. I walked back into the office and told Connie I was taking the day off. Lula offered to come with but only responded with "Just going home to sleep". I'm a terrific liar. I got into the Buick and headed down to the bar on 3rd and Laramie.

I sat by the bar and ordered an Ankle Breaker. After that drink I stopped at the Open Pantry and bought a case of beer and some wine coolers. I got back to my apartment, looked around to see if there were any stalkers lingering, and then put the drinks away. I put in Ghostbusters and listened to my messages. The first two were from my mom, the third was from Vinnie "You have three FTA's and your taking a day off?" and the fourth was from Morelli "Call me when you get this." Did I feel like calling anyone back? Nope. So did I? Nope. I took a couple of beers out of the fridge, grabbed the rest of my Ben & Jerry's and laid on the couch. Around 8pm, I heard my door unlock and knew who was coming in. Joe Morelli.

"Hey I brought over some Pino's pizza. Thought you could use some food since you never have any here." He walked over to the couch and saw the empty tub of Ben & Jerrys and the two empty beer bottles. "Have a bad day?" He looked at me and now realized how gone I was.

"Some days, I just need to sleep. Today I'm sleeping. Me go nighty night. Night Joe." I closed my eyes and felt Joe shake me alive again. "What do ya want?"

"How drunk are you?" He looked at me with a hint of concern in his voice.

"Well I stopped over at a bar earlier, had a couple of drinks then, came back here for a couple more. Have a problem with that?"

"Did you drive?"

"Of course! I wasn't that druuuuuuuunk!"

"Steph," He sat me up, "usually it only takes a couple of drinks to get you wasted. You know better then to drink and drive. What would've happened if you got pulled over?"

"I don't cares. Why are you here anyways? Shouldn't you be boinking Joyce by now?"

"What are you talking about? I think your imagination has taken over cupcake."

"I ran into Joyce last night. Said some pretty interesting things. So is that where you go when we're not together? Just tell me this, is she better in bed then me?" And before he could answer I passed out.