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Chapter 2

I am Queen of Denial If someone accused me of blowing up a car, I didn't do it. If someone accused me of tackling a little person and making him fall to the bottom of the stairs, I didn't do it. But I do know that if we ever run out of food, its definitely not my fault. That fault would fall on Lula.

All I asked for was for another bag of McDonalds and to meet me at the office. What happens? "We thought we'd help you with your weight problem so you don't turn into a fat white chick" Well guess what, the rate I'm going….I'm not going to need a diet. I've been puking for the past week from drinking and I don't think any food is left in my system.

"Girl what diet are you on?" Lula screeched when I walked in. She was in hot pink spandex pants and a white tank with pink lettering on it with a pink headband. "You don't even look like you eat!"

"Just been exercising more." I'm such a good liar. "And I haven't eaten Pino's in awhile." Liar. You just had it a day ago. "I guess this whole healthy eating thing is working for me." Oh yea, real well, so well that your not even ON THE DIET!

"I tried that whole healthy eating thing, but I just love food too much. But I could lose all this weight if I wanted." Lula said as she stuffed the rest of the files in a cabinet and sat on the couch.

"Any new FTA's?" I asked Connie. She was wearing a blue jean jumpsuit that made her hips look abnormally huge, her hair was teased to the size of her head, and her hoop earrings looked like they were going to eat her ears.

"Yeah you have three." She handed over the folders. "First one is Harold Pontiak. First time offender. Ran naked in the street and screamed obscenities. Second one is Lucy Carvello."

"How come I recognize that name?"

"She slept with Morelli freshman year in high school." BAM! There goes my day. I get to go pick up one of Morelli's skanks. But then again, I've been sleeping with him too. So I guess I'm the skank too. Boy, I need a drink.

"Who's the third victim?"

"Sally Sweet."

"Fuckin' A." Lula said. "I haven't talked to him in forever. Girl, shouldn't you keep track of him?"

"I called, he didn't answer, end of relationship." I looked down at Sally Sweet's file----Eh, he hit someone again. Figures. "You riding shotgun?" I asked Lula.

"Who else would save your skinny ass? You need a plus-sized woman like me to handle things." Yeah, whatever. Just get in the damn car. "Oh my god, I think I just wet myself." I heard Lula whisper and I knew then that Ranger walked in. I could feel the hair on the back of neck stand up.

"Here." He dropped a few body receipts on Connie's desk and kept his arm by my side. "Send the checks to Rangeman." He moved his hand up to my neck and directed me out of the office and to the alley again. He pushed me up against the wall, someone needs to tell this guy that this is getting old, he put his knee in between mine and started to kiss my neck. Oh keep doing that. I don't mind the alley thing at all anymore. "Babe. You left yesterday." He stopped kissing and just remained close.

"I'm having a bad week."

"You know better than to leave first." Eeeeek! "You've lost weight." It was more a statement then a question, but I still felt like I should answer.

"And?" What was I suppose to say? Helllllllllo! Earth to Stephanie! Think of something smart to say for once.

"Just an observation. So you haven't had a car blown up, no fires, no stalkers, and no panic over a zit……slow week?"

"No one has been skipping out til now." I held up the folders in my hand. "Can I please go? This whole thing drives me bonkers."

"Babe?"

"You want me. I get it. But I can't handle it. I can't handle anything anymore. Just leave me alone." And to my surprisement, I pushed Ranger away and got into Buick, waited for Lula and left.

"What did you and Batman talk about?"

"I just want him to leave me alone right now. I hate him just feeling me up and then nothing. And then I have Joe coming over and trying to patch things up. Why can't they take the hint?" I screeched the last part, not even knowing it.

"Girl, your having a breakdown aren't you? I always heard white chicks go crazy….I didn't believe it til now. I think we should pull over." Lula grabbed hold of her seatbelt and held on for dear life.

"I'm not going to get us killed. Not today." I smiled. I'm one cruel bitch. "Who should we get first?" I asked Lula.

"Lets go get Carvello. It'll make you feel better. Then we can go get some McDonalds. I could really use the nourishment." I glanced her way and snorted. Although I didn't think she heard me. What the hell is up with me lately? I'm so cranky. Gawd, this better go away. I pulled up on Lisbon and found the only pink townhouse on the road. Must be Lucy's. I parked in her driveway and put my gun into my waistband, Hey look! There's room in my pants! and then I put the pepper spray in my pocket. The handcuffs were in my back pocket and hell, I was ready.

I knocked on her door and she answered on the second knock in a plain white dress with white pearls around her neck. A HOUSEWIFE! This must be a real disappointing day for housewives….

"Hello, may I help you?"

"Hi Lucy. I'm Stephanie Plum, we went to high school together."

"Oh hello! I didn't even recognize you! How rude of me, would you like to come in?" She moved to the side to emphasize the invitation.

"No thanks, but I was wondering if you'd come with me." I backed her up to the door, faced her towards the door and cuffed her behind her back. "Your in violation of your bond. I'm taking you down the police station to get bonded out again."

"Oh I knew this was going to happen. Its just, with everything going on, its hard to keep track." I put her in the backseat and headed to the police station.

"It says you robbed a grocery store. Why would you do that? Aren't you married to Paul Downie?" I asked, trying to keep up conversation.

"I was having a bad day. The twins were driving me up the wall, Paul was flirting with girls at his Christmas Party, and I just wanted to do something fun again." She sighed and sat back more. "Remember when we used to oogle Morelli's ass?" Heh, I still do. "Man, that had to have been the best night of my life."

"Steph still has her nights with him." Lula stated. "She's got Supercop and Batman after her trail."

"Oooo who's Batman." And this is how the whole car ride went. I'm tired of it. I wanted to open my door and close it on my head a few times. I dropped Lucy off and got my receipt and headed back to the office when my cell phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Where are you?" Ehhhh…Morelli's voice.

"Heading back to the office, why?"

"Just wondering. You left so quickly I couldn't talk to you."

"What'd you want to talk about."

"Last night." There was a couple of moments of silence when I heard him sigh. "Whatever you heard isn't true. You have to believe me. I love you." I swear, I'm having a heart attack.

"Don't worry about it. Its not that big of a deal. I'll talk to you later. There's a lot of static." And that is when I pulled off my famous static noise.

"Fuckin' A. That was the best static noise I've heard ever!" I smiled at Lula. I am good.