Chapter Thirty-three
"Sayid?" Claire's voice called after him when he was a few feet from the tent. He turned back. She had emerged from the tent again as soon as he had left. "I'm sorry if I seemed rude. I'm sure you were just thinking of me."
"Yes," he said. "Well, and of Marcus."
"It's just…everyone is always telling me what I should be doing." She glanced down at the sand but then looked back up at him with a little more confidence. "Maybe I'm capable of making my own decisions."
"Of course you are," said Sayid, walking closer. "But when anyone makes decisions, especially very important decisions, it sometimes helps to have the advice of people you respect."
"I just don't want to rush things," she said. "Do you think it's rushing?"
"Five months? Here? Hardly."
She shrugged. "It's just…I've made a lot of mistakes in my life." She glanced back at the tent.
Sayid followed her gaze. "And look how they turned out, in the end. You have a beautiful son, and you're a good mother. Marcus has told you that, surely."
"Yes." She paused for a moment and then asked, "Do you think he's angry with me?"
"I think he is disappointed. Perhaps you should talk to him again. Explain your reasons, and then give him a chance to…persuade you."
She laughed slightly. "Persuade me that I'm wrong to wait?"
Sayid nodded.
"Maybe I'll persuade him."
"It is not as if he really has a choice in the matter. He will wait if you make him."
"But you think I shouldn't make him."
Sayid nodded again. Claire looked overwhelmed. He wished he could offer more, but she really needed to talk to Marcus, not him. "Do you want me to ask Nadia to watch Aaron for you? I believe Marcus is still in the jungle."
He knew his wife would be delighted to look after the boy. Nadia had at first been uneasy about the thought of being a mother. She had not planned on having children, and she had thought herself past her childbearing prime. The pregnancy had come as a surprise, and she wasn't sure how affectionate or apt a mother she would prove. She was accustomed to her independence, and she was adventurous. A child must overturn all that. But as the weeks passed and the baby grew within her womb, she grew used to the idea, and for over a month now, she had been grateful for the impending gift of motherhood. Her time with Aaron, especially, had helped to reassure her that she could find joy in caring for a child. She was now anticipating the birth with great excitement, as was Sayid. He was sure that Nadia's strength as a woman and her ardor as a wife would make her an equally capable and loving mother.
As Sayid went to look for Nadia, he passed Ana and Eko, who were seated and eating a late lunch together. Ana's smile was more sincere and more content than he had ever seen it. Sayid was glad she had found someone with whom to develop a close friendship. He supposed Eko and Ana had bonded in those early weeks after the crash, but differences of opinion had pulled them apart. Now they were once again a comfort to each other. He nodded to the pair in passing and carried on down the beach.
Marcus had stopped chopping to eat, but then he was right back at the woodpile. When he felt someone draw up behind him again, he lowered his axe wearily and asked, "Did you return to gloat?"
"Gloat?" asked a surprised, Australian-accented voice from behind him. "You can't think I meant to hurt you."
He turned to Claire, picked up the shirt he had discarded on the ground, and used it to wipe the sweat from his face. He sat down, leaning back against a fallen log, and opened a water bottle. "Where's Aaron?" he asked.
"With Nadia," she said, sitting down beside him. Their shoulders touched, but she did not attempt any further intimacy. "Are you still angry with me?" she asked.
"I wasn't angry," he said before he took a sip of the water.
"Yes you were."
He lowered the bottle and screwed the top back on, letting out a tired sigh. "Not angry, just…frustrated. What do you think you will learn about me in the next two months that you have not learned in the last five?"
She hadn't thought about it that way. She had just regarded time as a kind of elixir. More time would have to mean more certainty, wouldn't it? But what did she expect to learn? They'd had time enough for countless conversations; she'd witnessed the kind of man he was, and, as for his past, she knew all she had to know. The past was buried here, anyway. It didn't mean anything in this place.
"I don't know," she said quietly. "I don't know. I just need time."
"Fine then. But can you assure me that you'll give me a definite yes or no in two months, that you won't ask for more time then, too? Because this waiting…I can't do it for long."
She looked down at her blouse and began to toy with a crooked button. "Is it the sex?" she asked.
"What?"
"I mean…" she was concentrating fiercely on that stubborn button, striving to straighten it, "…maybe we should just go ahead and have sex first. To make sure."
"To make sure of what?" he asked.
She didn't answer. The button was straight now, but she made it crooked again and restarted the project. "Claire," he said, and he grabbed her hand away from the button, pulling it into his lap. She, however, kept looking down. "Look at me," he insisted.
She did, hesitantly, and she saw the desire forming in his eyes. He swallowed before he spoke again. "You know I'm a religious man. You know I'm a priest. You know, as much as I may want you, that outside of marriage I cannot allow myself…" He bit his bottom lip and looked away from her, as though he needed to gain some composure. "You know all this."
"Yeah, but…would you buy a car without test driving it first?" she asked.
"No," he said, turning back to her. "I wouldn't. Sure I'd test drive it. And when it got too old, I'd trade it in on a newer model."
She pulled her hand away. "What?"
"That's what I'd do with a car," he said. "Thing is, Claire, marriage isn't much like buying a car. That's my point. You aren't property. And you aren't something useful. And I won't be trading you in, no matter what. So the whole test driving analogy…it really doesn't fit."
She let him take her hand back.
"It's certainly not as if there's no chemistry here," he said, and as if to prove it, he leaned in and captured her lips in a deep and passionate kiss. Her fervent response assured him he was right. He drew away and asked, "So what do you hope to learn if we do that first? Do you want to find out if I'm good enough before you're willing to marry me?"
"God, no, Marcus," she said pushing against his shoulder playfully and blushing fiercely. "I'm sure you're…I'm sure…"
"Well, what is it?"
"I just don't want you to be rushing into marriage for that."
"It's no small thing. And I'm certainly looking forward to it. But, Claire, I've been celibate for the past eight years. If I had married every woman I wanted to sleep with…well, I can assure you I'd be married by now."
He could see her uncertainty, her struggle. He thought she wanted to consent, but she also seemed to want to prove something to herself. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close.
"I could make it on my own, if I had to," she said.
"But you don't have to."
"No," she replied quietly, laying her head against his shoulder. "I suppose I don't."
"I love you, Claire. Marry me tomorrow night. We can just use the engagement ring as your wedding ring. Sayid will help make something for me in the morning."
She didn't directly say yes, but she asked, "What will the ceremony be like? Like Sayid's and Nadia's?"
That was encouragement enough. A smile enlivened his whole face. "Is that what you want?"
"I've dreamed about my wedding day since I was a little girl. That would be…a little understated for me."
"Then we'll do whatever you want. Well, whatever is within our means here. It's important to me that we use a traditional Christian liturgy, but, other than that…it's your day Claire."
"Then I think I need a couple of weeks to plan."
"One week," he said firmly. He was relieved to see her smile.
"One week," she agreed, sealing her promise with a kiss.
The wedding followed in one week, as Claire had agreed, and Eko officiated. Sayid served as a best man to Marcus, and Nadia stood with Claire. Rose had helped the young mother to make an attractive dress from an array of unwanted clothing, and Marcus had gone on a hunting expedition to gather just the right flowers, which Sun weaved together into a boquet. The whole affair wasn't nearly what Claire had envisioned as a young girl, but it pleased her.
Sayid and Nadia had agreed to take Aaron into their tent for the next two nights, and Claire had reluctantly relinquished her son. Once the newlyweds were alone in their tent, she sat across from her husband and asked, almost shyly, "So…umm…eight years, huh?"
His eyes had been straying across her form, but he returned them to her face when he answered, "Yes. A long time."
She smiled, half-bashfully, half-seductively. "So, do you think you could still manage to be gentle?"
He pushed her tenderly down against the blanket and, supporting himself above her with his arms, kissed her softly. "I can be anything you want," he whispered, and Claire believed him.