Chapter 9: The Debate
He put his jeans, an old grey colored Marine Corp emblazoned sweater, and hiking boots on before grabbing his flannel jacket, and walking out of their bedroom and onto the connected balcony. As he slipped his right arm into the jacket, he stopped and slowly looked around. The view was spectacular. "How was she able to afford this place?" he thought, looking down and gazing at the sun shimmering off of the natural lake in the distance below. To his left he could see the snow capped mountains covered by majestic Pine trees and Blue Spruces, and on the right were natural trails that cut high into the mountains, encapsulated by tall Cedar trees. It was postcard perfect and in stark contrast to his old home. "All I need now is for Frodo and Sam to come walking by" he thought, laughing to himself.
Although he missed the energy of his downtown apartment with its cacophony of languages, lights, sounds and smells, he was beginning to like it here. The multi-storied log cabin had been cut into the mountains and had made wonderful use of wood, stone and brick. The cabin was deceptively large as the trees provided effective camouflage. The natural beauty and the serenity of the surroundings had brought him a degree of peace. Peace. Up until two years ago that word was foreign to him and something he thought he would never have again.
Katma's death had been extremely difficult for him. As genuinely sympathetic everyone tried to be for his loss, they could never truly be empathetic. Only J'onn was able to really relate. The Martian Manhunter's family had been killed and now this sector's Green Lantern had lost his. With the exception of J'onn and Bruce, no one even knew that Katma was pregnant. Not even Shayera. "How can I tell her?" he used to think. "It would be pouring salt into an open wound". She and Carter had been having difficulties getting pregnant, but he had hoped, or rather prayed, that they could bear children. He surmised that it would free him from the burden of knowing the future; knowing about Rex.
During the Chronos mission no one had mentioned a Carter and Shayera offspring so if she were able to give birth to another man's child, then maybe, "Just maybe the future hadn't been accurately foretold" he once thought. In the weeks after Katma's death, he began to question his motivation for voluntarily taking a tour of duty out of Earth's sector. Did he leave to rekindle his relationship with Katma or was he on some subconscious level, trying to escape his destiny with Shayera? If that were true then had he used Kat? Did he ever truly lover her? These doubts and other thoughts only added to his grief and growing internal conflict.
"You are a coward John Stewart. When the times got tough you tucked tail and ran. What a Marine you turned out to be".
" No! I left because Shayera needed to know what she and Carter had without me in the way; same for Mari and Steel. I was in the way. In the way of everyone!"
"And what a great plan that turned out to be, genius. You run away only to watch the woman you truly love marry someone else!"
"No! I loved Kat! I was happy for Shayera!"
"Really? So how is that when Katma was alone and dying, when she needed you the most, when she was crying out for help that never came, you were somewhere else? And who were you with? Whose back did you have? Who were you protecting THAT day? Shayera. Someone else's wife. Semper Fi – always faithful, but to whom Marine?"
"It was the assigned mission. I had no say on who was with me".
"Yeah, keep tellin' yourself that soldier. John, John, John. You can fool them, but you can't fool me. Have you forgotten? I was there when it was Shayera's pain, not Katma's that allowed you to overcome Despero's mind grip".
"I needed time! It was just dumb luck that he went after Katma first!"
"Too bad for Katma then, and I guess too bad for her now, is that it? If you were a real man you would have found a way to protect her, but you didn't.
"I couldn't break loose in time!"
"Couldn't or wouldn't? Even now you are still making excuses for your failure".
"Go to hell!"
"Face it Marine, you let both your wife and child die. It's just that simple. Talk about killing two birds with one stone. What kind of soldier allows those closest to him to die so easily, so carelessly, so…alone? You must be proud".
The guilt became unbearable. He would continue to war against himself for weeks after her death. Each time the internal debate ended with more rage, more anguish, more guilt, and more tears. Then one day, the guilt, the anguish and the tears all suddenly ended, but the rage remained. Vengeance is mine so sayeth the Lord.