Chapter 18: Name Drop
She was standing on the bank of the lake and reflecting upon the day's events. The morning had begun with a tip-toed conversation around Chronos and John's suggested walk down to their private lake, she recalled. For some reason he wanted to continue the discussion about Chronos there. In the past, their walks usually filled the forest canopy with laughter as they would often reminisce about old battles, old arguments, old friends and old dalliances. The walks were always a fun and relaxing time for them, but today John seemed distant and tense she thought. He had hardly spoken, which was unusual for him. Her initial thought was that he was simply tired, but her keen instinct, honed from years as a detective on her native planet of Thanager, was telling her something was troubling him. Over the past few months, it wasn't the first time she had felt this way.
His increasingly anxious mood was something she had been feeling for awhile and it had started with her pregnancy. She initially chalked it up to John being overly conscious of her past miscarriages, which was partly true, but something else was also there. She couldn't put her finger on it, but something wasn't quite right. As her pregnancy progressed, she remembered feeling John was becoming neurotic about her health. Some days were better than others, but his obsessive behavior seemed to get worse when they were told she was carrying twins.
The sonogram had revealed two strong heartbeats, but John's initial look of joy slowly turned to one of alarm. He didn't know she had seen his reaction. He didn't know his always expressive face had yet again, given away his feelings. His expressiveness was just one of the many reasons that she loved him, but it was the foundation of who he really was; he was genuine. John didn't hide his feelings. When he was angry, he looked angry, when he was happy, he looked happy, but it was his look of sadness that she saw that day.
Seeing and hearing those two tiny heartbeats was overwhelming for her and she spontaneously began to cry tears of joy. Through her tears she saw John slowly reach out and touch the sonogram monitor's screen. He allowed his hand to momentarily rest on it before turning toward his wife and smiling. He then took her hand, squeezed it and began to cry as well. Unlike her tears, however, his seemed a combination of both joy and sorrow, she remembered.
They had videotaped the sonogram session and over the next several weeks she often found John watching it at home. He would stare at the images of their children as if in a trance. He would always start out smiling, but by the end of the videotape, his face would begin to show his anxiety, she remembered. She kept asking him what was wrong, but he simply replied that he was just worried about her and the babies. At the time it seemed a plausible explanation, she thought, and given John's extremely protective nature, she dismissed it.
As she stood by the lake recollecting on the past several months, it dawned on her that John's behavior had changed in another significant way as well. Prior to the sonogram that revealed she was carrying twins, John couldn't keep his hands off of her. He was constantly touching her belly. She remembered how warm it felt when he placed his hand on her stomach and how funny it was to see him bend down and give her a raspberry on the naval. That memory made her smile, but then she remembered how after finding out about the twins, much of his spontaneous touching stopped. He was still as nurturing and loving as ever, but there was something missing. She pondered for a minute and then it hit her. Joy. His joy was missing. He had always been concerned about her pregnancy, but at the foundation of his concern, there had always been a feeling of joy. She had wanted to ask him what had changed, but there never seemed a right time. He would either be coming back from a mission, going on a mission or resting from a mission. She didn't want to bother him with what she believed were merely hormonally-driven concerns. She should have trusted her instincts. It wasn't long before the sleepless nights began and he started waking up with the word 'Chronos' on his lips.
It was Chronos that had inspired the walk to the lake and it was Chronos that had caused them to recall past and painful memories. Maybe it would be Chronos, whatever it was, she thought, that would shed light on John's state of mind. They stood on the bank of the lake, holdings hands, when the snow began to lightly fall. John looked up, closed his eyes and allowed the tiny snowflakes to fall onto his face. She smiled knowing the pleasant memories it brought back for John when it snowed. He inhaled and then deeply exhaled before allowing a small smile to form. She smiled as well, but then broke the silence.
"John, why have we been going down memory lane?"
He opened his eyes and looked out across the lake. "In the past is where the future begins" he said, staring at the horizon.
"Does Chronos have something to do with the past?" she asked.
He turned, looked into her warm green eyes and frowned. "Chronos is about the past and the future, Shayera" he said, before releasing his grip on her hand and walking a few feet away from her. He cupped his hands, blew on them and then placed his hands into the pockets of his flannel jacket.
"John?" she said, reaching out for his arm. She began to feel anxious as he only called her 'Shayera' when they were in public or the conversation was about to turn serious.
"Do you remember Katma's funeral?" he asked, turning and looking at her.
"Yes" she said, softly.
"Do you remember the solo that was sung?" he said, looking out once again across the stillness of the lake.
"John, I really don't want to talk about…" she said, but then stopped herself after looking at his face. His gaze had turned into a steely frown.
"Yes…I remember. I remember the melody, but not…not all of the words" she said, standing next to him and looking out across the lake as well. The snow fell onto her hair, but slowly disappeared. "I remember it was very moving" she said, casting her eyes downward.
This native of Thanagar had never heard gospel music, but she remembered how that song had caused everyone to cry. It had affected John for obvious reasons, but she also remembered how both J'onn and Bruce seemed particularly moved. She had been sitting next to Diana when tears began to slowly roll down Bruce's face. That image, along with watching Diana reach over and hold Bruce's hand while they both cried, is one she will never forget. She thought it strange that the Dark Knight, who had seen so much tragedy in his life, who fought tirelessly night in and night out, who was the emotional rock of the original seven, had finally dropped his guard. She knew Bruce and John's friendship had been steadily growing so she thought his tears were ones of support.
"John? What was the name of that song?" she asked, softly.
He turned his gaze away from the horizon and looked at her with a smile. "The song was 'Take My Hand Precious Lord'".
He turned to look at the horizon again and there was a brief silence between them before she spoke.
"John, I know…I know the anniversary is coming up. It must be difficult for you. Is that what Chronos is about? Does it have something to do with Katma's death? Is that why you've been so…so distracted?"
He closed his eyes, deeply inhaled and then exhaled. "Let's go sit down. I want to tell you a story" he said holding his right hand out. She took his hand and they walked over to the log bench. He used his left hand to wipe the small amount of accumulated snow off of the seat and they sat down. "I had a reason for asking you about that solo. It's relevant to Katma, but no…her death doesn't have anything directly to do with Chronos" he stated. He looked into her eyes, but then turned away. "Shayera…"
"John?"
"Shayera…I have been keeping something a secret from you" he stated softly, lowering his head and casting his eyes downward. She sat up as she felt her stomach suddenly tighten and her breathing quicken.
"Secret? What secret?" she said, with both curiosity and a tinge of anger.
"Two secrets actually" he said, even more softly.
"What's going on John?" she said, now frowning.
He slowly stood up, faced her and exhaled. "His name is Rex Stewart".
When she heard, what was obviously a name, her immediate thought was that John had fathered a child. Her head dropped and she closed her eyes as visions of John and Vixen making love flashed in her mind. John, how could you do this to me? She then clenched her teeth, opened her eyes and stood up. Her hands had now become fists and they were shaking from her building rage.
"When! When John! When did she have him!" she yelled.
"What?" he asked surprised.
"When did Vixen give birth! How old is he!" she yelled again, as tears began to form.
"Wait. Shayera, you don't understand".
"What don't I understand John! Huh! What! You had an affair with Vixen. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to put that together! What a fool I was! All this time I thought you were on "missions" and you were cheating on me! Not just cheating on me, but on our children too! How could you do this to me! How could you do this to them!" she continued to yell with tears now readily flowing from her eyes.
"Shayera! Shayera!" he said grabbing her arms. "You have it all wrong!" he yelled back. He tried to look into her eyes, but she turned her head away. "Shayera? Shy? I could never do that to you. Never" he said, softly. "I love you Shy. I would never hurt you like that".
With tears still falling she turned to look at him.
He inhaled and then the words finally came. "Rex is our son".