The Best Type of Riley Finn

By SilverWolf7007

Trial Three: Concussion by Cactus

"Okay, and you said that me using Mr Pointy was weird?"

"Hey, there is nothing wrong with my choice!"

"Nooo, no at all, Faith. There's just that little detail of you wanting to do it with a spiky plant!"

Of course, this snippet of conversation was had right as the two young women stepped into the unusually full kitchen, where Andrew was dishing up lunch in his pink apron, as usual.

Faith had asked more than once why he didn't just buy a new one, but he always claimed that there was no point replacing a perfectly serviceable apron just because it was an unconventional colour for a man to wear. Buffy just assumed he liked the damn thing.

Their attention was quickly drawn to Xander as, in light of their conversation, he was choking quite violently on the glass of milk he'd been drinking from.

Robin leaned over and pounded him on the back several times.

Xander, who had recovered halfway though this, glowered at him.

Willow grinned at the two girls. "So, is Xander assuming the actual truth for once, or would you like to tell us what you're really using Mr Pointy and a cactus for? At least, I assume you were referring to a cactus."

Faith, snickering, just nodded as she sat down.

Buffy rolled her eyes and joined them at the table. "I'd tell you all what we're using them for, but then I'd have to slay you."

"That kinda lends weight to Xander's theory, you know," Dawn pointed out innocently. "Ow!" she yelped as her sister's shoe hit her shin. "Buffy, that hurt."

"So would using a cactus for what Xander is implying," Faith pointed out. "Tell you what; I'll swear on my Slayer powers that we're using Mr Pointy, cacti, and that book we borrowed from Giles for a very good cause."

"Fighting a great evil," Buffy added solemnly. "We can't tell you much about it yet, but when we do, you'll understand."

"When?" Faith demanded. "What do you mean, when?"

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Eventually, we're gonna need their help. I have one plan that we need several other people for…and sooner or later they'll block you from hacking in and we'll need Willow."

Faith sighed. "I suppose you're right. But for now, we keep it a secret. Right, B?"

Her fellow Slayer smirked. "Absolutely."

'Is it really paranoia when they're really out to get you?' Riley wondered, not for the first time.

The incident with the book he had been willing to write off as a one-time occurrence, possibly due to unresolved issues between the two of them. And then when Buffy had claimed to know nothing about it, he almost believed her.

But the concussion and his wife both attested to the truth of it, and when she had attacked him with that stake…

And she had said "We'll be seeing you".

No, Sam was definitely wrong. He wasn't just being paranoid.

For some reason, Buffy was out to hurt him. He wanted to know why.

And he wanted to stop it before his hospital bills went through the roof.

Buffy was getting a crash course in filming from Andrew while Faith was, according to her, preparing her weapon.

It was still a mystery to Buffy how the other Slayer intended to concuss Riley with a plant, even a spiky one.

Eventually, though, Faith arrived from upstairs, and Andrew hurried off to get dinner started.

"So, when should we do this?" Buffy asked.

Faith shrugged. "I think Andrew's making pizza, and I don't want to miss that…after dinner okay with you?"

"Sure."

However, their evening plans began to change the moment the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Dawn called from the front of the house.

A few moments later she walked into the lounge room where Faith and Buffy were now relaxing in wait of dinner, looking somewhat worried and also amused. "Buffy, Riley's at the door. He wants to talk to you."

She frowned. "Did he say why?"

Dawn's lips twitched in amusement. "He, uh, wants to know why you've been attacking him, apparently."

Faith snorted.

"So, are you guys gonna tell me what's going on?" the teen asked eagerly.

Buffy smirked. "After we've, uh, discussed it with Riley. You got everything ready?" she asked her fellow Slayer.

"Yep. You got the camera under control?"

"If Drew weren't so set on cooking for us for the rest of his life, he'd make a damn good teacher," she replied with a nod.

The two of them stood up, grabbed their respective tools and walked to the front door, where Riley was waiting on the veranda.

Dawn, curious, followed them.

Riley looked nervous, and grew even more so when he saw Buffy with the video camera in hand. In fact, he even managed to miss seeing the bag in Faith's hand, as his eyes were so fixed on the camera.

Even as she spoke to him, Buffy had the camera focussed on his face. "So Riley, what brings you to our humble home?"

"Buffy, is there a reason you seem to be out to hurt me?"

Her eyes widened in false innocence. "Whatever do you mean?"

For a moment, his resolve wavered. What if Sam was right? But there was a slight hint of amusement on Buffy's face, and he knew, just knew that she was lying to him.

"Look Buffy, you can't fool me. I know you attacked me with that book, and I know you attacked me with a stake. What the hell is going on?"

She shook her head sadly. "Riley, I think you might be the victim of some kind of demon, impersonating me or something. I honestly don't know anything about what happened to you."

He stared at her, utterly lost.

Buffy took pity on him and nodded at Faith, who reached carefully into her bag and pulled out her weapon of choice.

For a moment, all four of them just stared at it. It was a large, round cactus, not one spine was less than an inch long, and it was planted in a very large, heavy-looking pot.

His eyes widened in horror.

Faith smirked, stepped up onto a nearby chair, and dropped the whole thing base first onto his head.

Riley went down like a ton of bricks.

Buffy turned the camera off with a satisfied smile.

Dawn was staring, eyes wide. "That was so cool!"

With Dawn's help this time, they hacked into the hospital records a little faster and much less noticeably.

"Minor lacerations and puncture wounds, some bruising, and…"

Buffy and Faith glared at her. They had explained the whole plan to her after dragging Riley to a nearby cemetery and anonymously calling an ambulance, and she had immediately demanded to be a part of it.

Dawn smirked. "And a minor concussion."

"Yes!"

Trial Three: Success!

Score - Slayers: 3, Soldier Boy: -5, Dawn: 0.5, Cactus: 9, Cactus Pot: 21

That was quite possibly disturbingly fun to write. I look forward to the next one. And the next one. And…well, you get the point.

amy-the-rat (damn non-showing-up underscores...) - Rambling science nerd or not ;-), it made perfect sense. Of course, this fic has a distinct lack of sense. Glad you enjoyed.

Again, all other replies should have arrived by the time this is updated.

Next time, Trial Four: Concussion by Walkie-Talkie.

Love you all, please review!

S. Wolf