That is ok, though. This time last year I would be apologizing, even if only with my eyes if we were somewhere where we could not talk, but now there is no need for that. He knows now that I like watching him, and even more importantly, he has accepted it. I think he may even secretly enjoy it.
In any case, I enjoy it. How could I not enjoy watching him? He is so beautiful, so graceful. He does not waste any movement -- everything he does has a purpose. I suppose the gift -- or curse, to hear him tell it -- of telekinesis will do that to you. Why waste physical movements when you have other means at your disposal? Of course, it has also improved his concentration beyond that of any of us 'normal' people. I have seen him carry on a conversation while cooking dinner and floating a spatula to himself across a kitchen. Seriously, cooking in itself is task enough for me.
It is hard for things like that to surprise me anymore, though. After two years of living with him, seeing the amazing things that he can do, I am not easily impressed. There is very little Nagi cannot do, be it mental or physical. A lot of that comes from Rosenkreuz. The things they made him do there. . . I cannot begin to imagine it. Looking at him now, here in this professional setting, you would never think he could shrink in fear from a single word. But then again, Rosenkreuz is never discussed here at the office.
Here he is the bodyguard, the head of security, my own personal protector. Nothing gets past him; not the most concealed weapon or the tiniest bug. He is a symbol of security in Kritiker; new recruits look up to him with awe, and rightly so -- they can learn much from him, especially of control. When he is in bodyguard mode, there is nothing that can shake his imperturbable calm. But I know another side of the man they see here; something other than the brick wall that protects their boss. I have seen him flushed with anger, felt the walls shake with the telekinetic echoes of his rage. I've seen him with tears running down his face and have felt those tears soak through my shirt until my skin was damp with the evidence of his despair. I have also seen him smile without reserve and heard his laugh echo in our bedroom; a true laugh, not the polite shadow of humor that he will sometimes grace a diplomat with.
When I look at him, I see all of that. Not just the calm, steady bodyguard, and not just the emotional man I have known him to be. I see the sum off all those parts, and that sum equals the whole; Nagi, who I love unreservedly. I cannot often look at him outside of our home as much as I would like to, but small glances like the one he just caught me taking can get me through the day. Just knowing that he is there, that he truly does exist outside the confines of my mind is enough to give me the strength I may be lacking. And when we encounter one of those rare moments when we catch each other's eye, and I can see the unrestricted trust and love he has for me where there used to be wariness and fear; those are the moments I treasure throughout the day to draw upon when I need the strength of our love to pull me through.