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Nagi was in pain. Real, physical pain. He felt as if he was wrapped in a shroud of ice, but his heart felt as if it was burning itself up. Surely such intense heat should melt the ice. . . but it would not. He could not let it.
The laughter he heard – was that his own? The sound seemed foreign to him. Granted, he did not laugh much, but when he did, it never sounded that. . . empty. But then again, that made sense. He had never felt so empty. So empty and full at the same time; empty of any happiness, but full of painful emotions that he could not even begin to name.
He had been taught a great deal of control at Rosenkreuz, in deference to his dangerous powers, but even his control was tested as he fought with himself, every fiber of his being wanting nothing more than to reach out to the man in front of him.
Rosenkreuz. The name should bring a shock of hatred, anger, fear, something. But he felt none of these things as he usually did when that dreaded name somehow entered his thoughts. He could feel nothing through the hatred he felt for himself as he recited the script he had mentally written.
Could he really be saying these things? Was it truly possible that he was telling Omi – no, Momaru, he corrected himself – that he had betrayed him? That everything in the past two years had been nothing but lies, that he had not changed at all? That he had never loved him?
But he had loved him; he had really, truly, deeply loved him. He still did, which was why he was now ripping Omi's heart to shreds, and destroying his own in the process.
Nagi did not give his trust easily, and he did not give his word lightly. He had only ever given either to Bradley Crawford, and then to Omi. One of these had been destroyed two weeks ago, and the other was slowly being torn down by Nagi himself.
"You cannot tell me that the man I have known for the past two years does not exist!" Omi shouted hoarsely as he rose from his chair. If it had been anger or accusation in his eyes, Nagi could have taken it. But somehow, even with all that he had said, Omi still believed in him; there was trust in his eyes. Even worse, there was still love there. For a moment, Nagi's resolve faltered, but visions of what would happen to Omi if he failed his mission bolstered him, and he set about destroying what remained of Omi's – and his own – heart.
"Believe what you will about that man's existence, Momaru. But if he did indeed ever live, believe me now when I tell you that he is dead." Did he really just say those words? Crawford's threats must have given him more strength than he thought he possessed, Nagi realized as he forced himself to watch what was left of Omi's trust in him crumble, then get up and walk calmly out the door.
I didn't think you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about
Yes, Crawford. Bradley Crawford, the first person he had ever truly trusted, was the reason he was destroying both his own life and that of the man he loved. Nagi was not one easily shocked, but that phone call two weeks ago had taken him by surprise. Crawford was not one to do things halfway, so when he and Schuldig had disappeared without a word of farewell, Nagi had never expected to hear from him again. If only his expectations had been right.
Crawford used to scare him. When he had first rescued him from the streets, he thought he was just another one of those. Someone who would use him, them send him away again. Even when Rosenkreuz managed to get him, and Crawford used all his influence and negotiating skills to get him out, he still did not fully trust him. When he had dropped Nagi off at the orphanage, it seemed that his suspicions about the man were correct – however, he had constantly visited. When he took Nagi home with him as the newest member of Schwarz, he began to gain Nagi's trust.
He had always been there. No matter what Nagi needed, Brad was there to take care of it. He would get up in the middle of the night when memories of Rosenkreuz took over Nagi's dreams, and comfort him until he had calmed down. He got up nearly every morning to make breakfast. He even dropped Nagi off and picked him up from school every day himself, or made sure that Schu did if for some reason he could not. In retrospect, they seemed like small things to Nagi, but they had meant the world to the boy who had never had the 'small things' before.
All these things had served the purpose of making Nagi trust, even love, Brad. But all of that trust and love had been destroyed two weeks ago when Nagi received a phone call from Crawford detailing how he would destroy Omi's business and life, then kill him, if Nagi did not agree to return to Schwarz.
You might feel in control of things
But you're not holding all the strings