Can you believe it? An update! Sorry about the delay, but I've got another chapter in the works now so expect it in a few days…or weeks.

This chapter wasn't written for Life's Lessons, actually. It's a (late) Christmas present for Diana over at Artemis Fowl Confidential. So, this fic is dedicated to her!

Disclaimer: Eoin Colfer has rights to the Artemis Fowl series and its characters.

"He still retained a childlike belief in magic, tempered by an adult determination to exploit it." -Artemis Fowl

Life's Lessons

Lesson Number Two: Problems with Santa

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"Be a good little boy, Arty. If you're naughty, Santa will make sure you get coal for Christmas."

Mother likely did not mean much by it as she said this to me in passing one winter night, but it was this statement and the subtle warning within that inspired my plan.

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It was the dawn of December and all of Ireland seemed to be putting on a final spurt of yuletide festivities before the main event on the 25th. Fowl Manor, my place of residence, had always been the prime example of "Christmas Spirit", decked fully in lights, frost, jingle bells, and "boughs of holly", as I believe the song went. Yes, every year was the same and every year we spent the holidays at home.

By "we" I mean, of course, Mother, Father, the Butlers, and myself. It was Mother's idea, really. She insisted that we all spend the Christmas season together as a family. I sometimes felt as though we were all just humoring her and her need to spread joy and peace to the entire household in the form of carols and round, glass ornaments. However, I admit that she was not the only one who enjoyed this time of year.

The Butlers in particular seemed almost, I'm afraid to say, giddy. Well—at least Juliet did. Butler (my Butler) and the Major continued to be their stoic, professional selves regardless of all the jingles and tinkles of merriment surrounding them.

Although…there were times when I did hear a rare chuckle from Butler, especially when he was around his sister.

What Mother enjoyed about Christmas was just about everything: the caroling, the cooking, the snow, the shopping, the good will, the television specials, and, most especially, having the entire family together. For once.

Now what Father enjoyed about Christmas was…

…It is difficult to tell with him.

And myself? They say that the greatest gift of all is giving. I believe that the greatest gift of all is receiving.

Or, if that's not possible, taking works just as well.

I do not consider myself greedy—I am just very grateful for my presents. In advance. On my fifth birthday earlier that year, I had received everything on my wish list and then some from my loving parents. Yes, it was a good year. In fact, by Christmas time I thought that I had nothing left to ask for. If not for Santa, I would have been content with a simple Christmas dinner and a story before bed time (and possibly a new laptop; one could never have too many).

This brings us back to my plan. Upon hearing my mother whisper her playful warning before tucking me in, I lay in bed thinking about the infamous Santa Claus and his annual trip around the globe. I did not know much about this so-called "Claus", but I had always expected an extra gift of him every Christmas morning. It was not until that very moment that I began to question this magical being as the years before had me plagued with the ignorance of youth. Last year—an eternity ago—I was four and naive so I behaved like a good little boy in anticipation of Santa's promise of my very own electronic chess set. But not this year, I thought sinisterly as I snuggled into my warm, newly fluffed pillows. Oh no, not this year.

Some weeks later on the day before the day before Christmas, I called Butler and Juliet to meet me in the briefing room.

Juliet, a firecracker at the age of nine, walked in carrying a plate of Christmas tree-shaped cookies, merrily humming some carol. I strode over to her, but as my hand neared the plate, the sugar cookies were snatched away from me.

"Artemis!" Juliet's eyes narrowed as she scolded me. It was easy for her to do this for she towered over me by about one foot and fifteen centimeters (but who's counting?). "I made these myself, so if you want some you can go on down to the kitchens and bake yourself up a batch."

I stared at her coldly. She was being insubordinate. "Juliet," I said menacingly. "You are being insubordinate."

She looked like she was going to reply but Butler chose that moment to step in. "Juliet," he said warningly. And that was all she needed. With a pout and a grumble, she grudgingly gave me a cookie. And a napkin because I requested it.

"So, Artemis," she said, "What are we all doing crowded together in your room?"

I quashed the urge to roll my eyes. I never roll my eyes because I am too mature for that. So I frowned and said, "I've told you before to call this the 'briefing room'."

And after another little squabble with Juliet over her inability to follow orders and my so-called "stupid requests", I paced the room and began to explain my plan. "I brought you here because I need your help. I not only found a way to travel at amazing speeds faster than anyone ever went, but I know how to sneak into places without being seen or heard." I had their attention then. Butler's gaze was on me, one eyebrow quizzically raised. Juliet was lying on my bed and staring at me with her mouth half open. I smirked and continued, "It's simple. The answer, friends, lies in…" I paused for dramatic effect.

"Magic."

I watched for their reactions and saw that Juliet was looking at me blankly—her inferior mind was probably trying to work itself around the concept—and Butler had an unreadable expression on his face. Amazement or amusement? No doubt it was the former. I often dazzled others with my genius.

I continued before they could say anything. "I do not exactly know how to do the things I've just mentioned, but I know how we can find out. And when we do, we can be even richer! But first, we have to abduct the man who knows all the secrets. He's the key to all the magic. This man," I confided, "is called Santa Claus."

And then Juliet started giggling. I looked at her with a mixture of disgust and disbelief. She was giggling of all things. I had just revealed the most crucial point in my plan and she was giggling! Honestly.

I glared, "Just what is so funny?"

She rolled over on my bed so she was on her back, clutching her stomach. She was consumed in bouts of uncontrollable laughter now, practically guffawing into my bed sheets.

Juliet gasped, "Tha…That was a good one, Artemis!" Her laughter died down to a few chuckles. "You really had me going there for a moment." She snorted, "Santa Claus…Geeze…"

I calmly cleared my throat, "If you're done, I'll keep explaining the plan."

She looked at me, smile slowly shrinking. Her eyes widened when she saw that I wasn't joking. "B-but, Artemis, you can't be serious. I mean, this is just silly-"

"Let Artemis finish his briefing, Juliet," Butler, my most loyal comrade, cut in. He nodded to me, the slightest twinkle in his eyes. "Go ahead, Artemis. We're listening."

I smiled appreciatively. At least someone understood the importance of my work. "Thank you. Alright, I think the only time we can catch Santa is on Christmas Eve, after everyone's gone to bed and he's delivering his toys. We know he's going to come here before everyone wakes up in the morning so we can wait for him there, capture him, and make him tell us how to use his magic. And maybe get some extra toys, too.

"Butler," I ordered. "I want you to set up cameras on the roof in case he lands his sleigh there. Your job is watching the videos."

"Understood, sir."

I turned to the girl in front of me. "And Juliet, you have to patrol the halls."

She sat up in protest. "And stay up on Christmas night? No wa-"

"That's an order!" I crossed my arms and looked up at her sternly. She glanced uncertainly at her brother but relented and sat back down.

"What will you be doing, Master Artemis?" Butler inquired.

I smirked. "I'll be hiding by the Christmas tree, waiting for him."

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That night I sat down and wrote a letter to Santa.

Dearest Santa,

Hello, I am Artemis Fowl the Second. You should know that I have been a very, very good boy this year and should get a present just as good as I am. What I want this year is not something wrapped in a box. I want magic. I know you have it and I want it. Give it to me.

Artemis Fowl the Second

P.S. I also want a new laptop computer. A black one.

I held the paper away from me and looked it over. Satisfied, I gave the letter to Butler to send. Now the plan was in motion.

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A night of delicious Christmas dinner and stories told by the fireplace almost made me forget about the plan. But remember I did and, after being stuffed with more pie than I should have been able to hold and then tucked in by both Mother and Father, I stealthily snuck out of my room. I was unsurprised to find Butler waiting for me outside my door.

He glanced down at me out of the corner of his eye. "Ready?" he whispered.

I nodded to him and we proceeded down the hallway. It was dark and quiet, so unlike the Manor I was used to. Some part of me knew this was a good thing because it meant everyone was asleep, but another part made me inch just a little bit closer to my giant caretaker. I accidentally stepped on his foot and almost immediately felt his big, grown-up hand close around mine. I smiled and clutched onto him as we made our way through the dark halls.

We made it to the staircase and I saw a light getting closer and closer to us. Juliet came into view, flashlight in hand. By the small light in her face, I could see that she was both sleepy and annoyed. "Is this really necessary?" she whispered.

"Yes," I replied defiantly. "This is very important work to science and the whole w-wooorld." At this point I was trying to stifle a yawn, covering my mouth with the hand that wasn't still holding onto Butler's two fingers (which was all I could hold).

She clucked her tongue. "Fine. If you need me, I'll be taking a stroll in the East Wing." With a toss of her braid, she stalked off, taking the light with her.

When she left, Butler and I continued down the stairs and to the family room where our tree was. I realized that soon Butler would have to leave me to go to the surveillance room and it made my stomach drop a little. Alone in the dark for hours? Maybe it wasn't worth it after all…

We opened the door to the family room and I felt a comfortable warmth burst in my chest. There, in the middle of the room, was our Christmas tree in all its glory, cut down by the Major and Butler himself. It was lit up more brightly than I could have ever imagined, and the lights, as the whites and the reds and the greens and the blues danced around the entire room and illuminated the center with a strange, golden glow, seemed positively magical.

I started when I realized that Butler and I were already standing at the tree, so captivated I was by its brightness that I did not notice we had moved. I looked up at Butler and found that my guardian was smiling at me softly.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I looked at my hand still clinging to Butler's. Then I looked at the tree in front of us. I smiled and let go. "Yes, I am."

Butler smiled again and nodded. "Alright then. You know where I'll be. I can see you so just signal if you need any help and I'll be down right away." He walked to the open door. "Keep a keen eye out now, Artemis."

I nodded and, when he had finally left me, began to look for a proper hiding place. I inspected my surroundings. Behind the couch? No, too obvious. Underneath the coffee table? No, too small.

I walked backwards and bumped into something prickly and heard a tinkle. Spinning around, I saw that it was just our tree. I then stared at it, inspiration hitting me. It was a big enough tree, so maybe…

I crawled underneath it and…yes! I found that there was plenty of space for someone my size to sit beneath without being seen. It was perfect and the last place anyone would think to look, least of all Santa. So I crawled on my hands and knees until I reached the base where the trunk was held up by the metal stand. Kneeling experimentally, I found that if I bent my waist a little in that position I could keep my head from touching the lower branches. Sneakily, I pulled some of the larger presents around me so that I created a make-shift fortress around myself. There was no way Santa could have found me then.

I shifted my weight so that I sat back on my ankles. I sneezed. There were needles and dust everywhere. So I cleared some of the needles from the area I was sitting in and dusted myself off, admiring my handiwork. I looked up and gasped.

I was completely surrounded in lights.

It was like being among the stars. I lay down on my back and stared up at the starry spectacle. I imagined that this was what it must feel like to see magic. All lights and colours and warm feelings. It must feel great. Wonderful.

The last thing I remembered was watching the dancing lights.

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I awoke with a start, sitting straight up and bumping my head into a tree branch for my troubles. I looked around in confusion, suddenly remembering the previous night's events and the plan. The plan!

Frantic, I scrambled out of my hiding place under the tree and looked around. The first lights of dawn were filtering through the windows in yellow-pink streams. Disappointment filled me. I hadn't caught Santa. Hadn't even come close.

I sighed dejectedly and sat down on the spot. It was then that I noticed a present I hadn't seen the night before. It was a smallish box wrapped in red with a green ribbon. There was no name on it, only a note. I detached the note and read:

Dear Artemis,

I am sorry that you did not get what you wanted for Christmas. This was all I could give you that matched your request. I agree that magic cannot be wrapped in a box, but I believe that this will help you to find some magic within yourself. Think of this as the "extra present" you wanted in addition to the laptop.

Santa Claus

Mouth agape, I looked around me and, sure enough, there was another laptop-sized present behind me with the same wrapping as the first. In a state of awe, I grabbed the smallerone and tore open the wrapping. Revealedwas a white box slightly bigger than my hand with the word "MAGIC" written in neat script on the top. Holding my breath, I lifted the lid.

Inside was a dark green candle the shape of a Christmas tree.

I had expected something like magic powder or a special amulet or something a bit more impressive than a simple candle. I knew that I should have been feeling disappointed but, for some reason, the small thing made me feel like laughing.

And laugh I did. I sat there next to our tree on Christmas morning, laughing because, for no reason at all, I felt a little happier.

And finally looking at the last part Santa's note, I smirked.

P.S. It was a nice try, Artemis. Perhaps next time.

I learned then that Santa was a force to be reckoned with.

A/N: Eh, not one of my best, but it was fun to write. Merry belated Christmas to all and to all a good night! Or good morning!

Reviews are appreciated as always, BUT what I would LOVE is if you would support the Orion Awards, which is for Artemis Fowl fanfiction. This is the first year for the Orions and we need as many nominations as possible! Time is running out and nomination closes in a few days, so please find some great AF fics from 2001-2005 and nominate! Right now!

-Sankyuu, Lulu