Summary – The bed has been made and it isn't always the maker that has to lie in it.
Disclaimer – I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while. I'll return it fairly intact soon enough.
Notes – Please read and review.

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Shauna's work out that evening was long and hard. She pushed herself to her absolute limit and further, trying to work out all the fear that churned inside of her. It didn't work very well. She still wanted to scream.

In those children, despite the differences that were there, she had seen herself. Yes, she had a childhood, yes she had friends, yes she appeared to have feelings, but the outcome was ultimately the same. She grew up to be a trained killer and so would these children.

Remnants of the Sunday mornings she had spent at church with her parents came back to her; in particular Thou shall not kill. One of the Ten Commandments, one of God's most sacred laws – one to be obeyed above all other laws, and she had broken it and would break it again, more than once. What was she worrying about this for? If she had been sure she believed in God, then things might be different, but as it was… it still made her angry and made her wish that… but wishes were useless, they got you nowhere except to a whole lot of pain, and right now that was one of the things she wanted to avoid.

Some point in the middle of the pounding she was giving herself, it occurred to Shauna that this lengthy work out was also in part to avoid Christopher. She wasn't sure if she could face him – she was not sure if she could face herself at this point. She did not know why though; great effort had been put into teaching her to distance herself from guilt, and she was not entirely sure this was guilt she was feeling because it felt a lot like anger and fear to her. Which, come to think of it, were also things she had been taught to distance herself from…

Pull yourself together girl! What the hell was she doing? She was here to do a job and when this job was over she would leave and be done with it. For godssake! Get over it. And stop thinking about Chris! Was it his business what her head was going through? She was going to pull her gut in, walk back to her rooms and carry on as though everything was normal. Because it is.

Back in her rooms, Christopher was waiting for her. She had hoped that he would give up and go home on her, but apparently not. "I was wondering when you'd get back. I didn't feel like cooking so I got some Chinese –" how the hell did he get that on base? – "We'll have to heat it up but – what's wrong?"

He had noticed, and I thought I hid better than that, she thought ruefully. "Nothing." Or, at least nothing she could tell him, not here, not now. He was about to reply, maybe to ask her again what was wrong, but she cut him off, "I'm going to have a shower, you can heat the food while I'm there."

Chris nodded but as she reached the door to her room he called out, "Shauna."

She turned, "I can't tell you."

"That's not what I meant." He moved over, until he was standing very close, too close for a casual conversation. "I missed you."

Shauna rolled her eyes. "You saw me last night."

"Too long ago." Chris was smiling now, or smirking really, and she had to tilt her head right back to look at him. If he didn't kiss her in a few seconds, she was either going to kiss him or kill him to try to stop her legs feeling so damn weak.

Pulling her tight against him he bent down just a little further and kissed her. It was only intended as a brush of his lips against hers, but she looped her arms around his neck, keeping his face close to her own, kissing him back – hard. She could feel his confusion at the emotion she put into that kiss, but she was confused now, too. Confused at what she had seen, she desperately – possibly for the first time since childhood – wanted to be comforted. Because of this she nearly took the kiss further. It would be so nice to be held and loved even for a short while.

Sadly, she knew she would regret it later and she always had been one to analyse the consequence of her actions before making them.

Besides it wasn't fair to Chris. What he wanted she knew was not a quick turn with a girl who couldn't get her head straight. Since she had arrived here he had been nothing but a good friend to her and when it had become apparent that he wanted more – that in fact she wanted more – she let him take it. Now though, she was realizing that this was too much, too soon.

So she broke the kiss and walked, alone, through her bedroom to the bathroom.

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Later Christopher drove back to his apartment thinking over the evening. Most of the night Shauna had been distracted and off-balance. Something had upset her – something big. It would have to be big for it to so visibly upset her for her to react as she did. It had something to do with the X4s – he could guess that much. It was, as far as he knew, the only thing that had happened that was out of routine for her.

He had felt the fear that had prompted whatever it was behind that kiss they had shared. The kiss that had nearly turned into something more. He was glad she had stopped it because if she had taken it further he would have gone, and right now, that was the last thing they needed. It was too far too soon, as far as Shauna was concerned, anyway – he would perfectly happy to sleep with her. However, it would scare her off.

Chris knew that despite her training and her life Shauna was in some ways naïve about people in general. Like someone had deliberately kept her in the dark about some things. Possibly to control her, although, it could be only an unforseen side effect of her training. Whatever the reason, it allowed her to kill for money but when she finally realized what was going on here she had been shocked to the core.

There were times when Christopher hated himself for what he did, times – like when he visited his mother and sister – that he wondered how he could allow the things that happened around him to happen. Most of the time, he shrugged it off. He was here, and short of death, it was unlikely that they would let him leave. As clichéd as it might sound, he knew too much.

Besides, after what had happened, back then, it all seemed kind of pointless to be worrying about his soul, now. My fault…he shook the thoughts off. No, not his fault. At least according to the shrink and his mother.

Back at his apartment the cat met him. The place seemed unusually lonely, as though there was meant to be someone else there as well.

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It will all be better in the morning. How many times had her mother said that to her when she was a child? How many times had she believed it? But here, now, in the bright morning light – after sleeping for long, emotionally exhausted hours – things, if possible, looked worse. Those were young children and they had looked so perfect and moved so easily. Yet, when you looked them in the eyes they were empty and cold as though someone had expertly re-animated a statue. As though when they were designed some one had left the soul out of the final product.

Getting dressed and ready her movements were mechanical and automated. Only when she was in sight of the doors that led to the women's rooms that she snapped out of it. How many times had she been told not to let her personal feelings interfere with her job? Thousands. Do not think of the ultimate consequences of your actions - that is not your concern. You're there to do a job, that's all that matters. Anything you do must accomplish what you set out to do, any other effect your actions have are unimportant. Words a trainer had long ago spoken to her that had been re-iterated numerous times over the years.

She opened Theresa's door and nodded in greeting. Then followed suit with the other women. If she were a little more irritable than usual, no one said anything. She was, after all, doing the job she was supposed to be doing.

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