Rating – R (suicide mentions, swearing)
Spoilers – Heat
Summary – Walls are beginning to crumble. Breathing was becoming a struggle, was she going to faint again?

Disclaimer – I don't own Dark Angel. I'm merely borrowing it for a while; I'll return it fairly intact soon enough. I have to say I've been so thrilled with my reviewers. This story didn't make much of an impact back when I first posted it, but the updated version seems to be doing all right for such a strange dark little fic.

This chapter is for burningnostalgia, because she asked for more detail, and purely co-incidentally this was one of the most descriptive chapters, setting-wise.

Other than that: Please read and review.

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Shouldn't it be raining? That was Shauna's first thought through her emotional turmoil. The weather was supposed to suit your mood. Then she wondered why she should think that. Maybe fainting had brought out some long-hidden dramatic sense?

However, it was a beautiful night – if that was the kind of thing you noticed. The sky was clear and so many stars shone above, the air was just a little cool – winter was heading in – and the night was still and undisturbed. Perfect. Shauna stopped to shake her head and wonder why she was wool-gathering.

Her father had loved the night. He would often sneak her out, after her mother had gone to bed, and teach his daughter all about the stars and how they had been named, their movements and sometimes what various people had believed about them in the past. The young Shauna had lived for those peaceful nights.

Now, the glittering sky just reminded her of her parents and her past, something she tried not to do too much. The thoughts caused pain and the pain brought a distraction and distractions could be fatal. Plus, it tended to bring up questions about right and wrong. That kind of questions just brought trouble. Right and wrong were things she had no place to think about. Particularly when she had a job to do.

Killing she could handle, so what if people considered it wrong – they could go to hell for all she cared. They could live out their nice little lives, go to work, meet up with their lovers for a forbidden moment, and then go home to their partners and children. All the while pretending people like her didn't exist, or point moral fingers when she was caught. No skin off her nose. Sin was sin. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone…What did they know?

Damning innocent children, though…maybe she wasn't as immune as she thought. She could look down on the people here for what they did, but then hide behind her 'calling'. Did that make it more right than what the others did? No, not really. Unless you brought intent into the equation. Of course, that probably just made her a sociopath.

Damn it. Life was screwed up, anyway. Who really cared? She ignored all the little voices trying to answer that one.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Nothing matters but the moment. She focused her senses outwards, closing only her eyes. Concentrate on the surroundings: the gentlest breath of wind through the trees; the smell of damp autumn leaves; the silence of the night.

Gradually, her tranquillity came back to her. She stopped thinking about the consequences of what she was doing and instead focused on the task. Protect the women. When she was finished she would move on.

At the edge of her hearing, there was something that didn't quite match everything else. A slight disturbance. He eyes snapped open and she leapt into a defensive position.

Standing a short way away, under a street lamp, was Chris. Just watching her. The brightness highlighted his pain and confusion, a reflection of everything that she felt. Everything she was sure she'd managed to dispel until she saw him standing there.

Her lover stepped forward, wary, but not of physical attack, just an emotional storm. "Shauna, we really need to talk."

Shauna nodded cautiously. She understood very little about relationships – real ones, like the one she and Chris had – but she knew there were instances that required discussion. She supposed that the one that had just occurred warranted a 'discussion', if any ever had.

He sat beside her on the bench and for a long while neither said anything. Her sense still stretched for awareness, took in the night, and Chris. Christopher Mason, whose body didn't quite touch hers, but generated tangible warmth nonetheless. There was the usual attraction hovering between them, but that had currently sunken to a low buzz. He wasn't looking at her and she took the opportunity to look at him intently. Good looking – she knew that. Older than her – but who was counting, she would likely die first anyway. Worry lines…hang on. Pause. Those were new.

Chris had worked at Manticore for a good few years now, and that had never caused worry lines. There had been only one thing upsetting him lately. Shauna winced: herself. Some deep part of her stirred and without her conscious mind being fully aware, she reached out and brushed at the worry lines with her fingers. She felt like crying.

He started, obviously so far into his reverie that she had surprised him. She pulled back sharply, but he grabbed her hand and pulled it first, briefly, to his cheek, and then just to hold.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

He sighed. "Oh Shauna, I love you, do you know that?"

The young woman froze and knew that to any observer she was utterly still. Love? Since when? She wanted to run away from him again, because he was looking at her with the same look of care, love and worry he had in the apartment before she'd raced out. She wasn't ready for this; she'd never be ready for this. Every part of her felt electric, but she couldn't move.

Sensing her sudden terror, he very, very slowly reached out and ran a soft hand over her cheek, imitating her earlier gesture. "You don't have to say anything," he said softly.

She shook her head. "But how can you?"

"Because you are beautiful and wonderful, and when you're not around I just want to be with you, and when you are, there's nothing better." Breathing was becoming a struggle, was she going to faint again?

Her forced laugh was tinged with bitterness. "That's lust, Chris."

"No, it's not." Neither of them had raised their voices above a whisper and it emphasised the strangeness of the moment. Her skin felt more electrified than ever. "Lust is about sex, and while what I feel is tied up with that, it's not all. Not nearly all."

She shuddered as his hands came up and brushed her cheeks again, wiping away wetness she hadn't realised was there. She tried to turn away, to hide her tears, but he wouldn't let her, "It kills me to see you hurting like this."

"Why are you making more of this than it is?" she asked and she could hear the plaintive note in her voice.

"I don't think I am. But if that's the case, there's something you should know, about my sister, Lucy."

She knew he had two younger sisters, and one of them, Lucy, was dead. He wouldn't tell her anything, though. She frowned in confusion. "What about her?"

"When she was sixteen she had anorexia. We'd always been close, but when I went away to college we drifted apart a little. I was busy with my new life, and although I loved her, she was part of something I was gradually moving away from. I didn't want to stay in a small town for the rest of my life, managing the store or something, I wanted more…" he paused and she could see the brief struggle in his eyes, but did not comment. "I didn't realise what was wrong, no-one did, not Mom, not Janet, not until she collapsed at school one day."

Here Shauna closed her eyes in realisation. She wasn't totally clueless about people, she knew for him, finding out she had collapsed from something similar to his dead sister, must have torn something in him.

"I caught the first plane home. I still didn't know what was wrong until I walked into the hospital after a six-hour flight. She was lying on that bed, and you could see every bone in her body. She looked so much like you did after…" he trailed off and she opened her mouth to say something, anything. But he touched his fingers to her lips and shook his head. She received the message, if she spoke he would not be able to, and he needed to say this.

"She did get better, after awhile, or at least we thought she did. It was the summer, and I was home, again. Janet had gone shopping with some friends, and Mom was at work. I'd just gone down to the store to get some tomatoes for dinner. On my way up the path there was a gunshot. When I got inside, Lucy was dead. She'd found one of Dad's old guns, bought ammo for it, and killed herself. Afterwards, it turned out that she'd stopped going to see her shrink. She'd told him that she was seeing someone else, but she'd been pretending to everyone else that she was still seeing him. No one ever picked up on it. It wasn't only the eating thing, she was clinically depressed as well." He shook his head. "No-one noticed, not even me."

"It wasn't your fault," Shauna finally said.

"I've been told that over and over, but I still don't believe it, not really. Or maybe, most of me does, but there's still a little bit that wonders." There was something broken in his voice. Instinctively, she wanted to fix it, like she'd never wanted to fix anything in her life before.

"You couldn't have done anything," she whispered. Lifting one leg, she swung her weight so she was straddling his legs, and settled back on his knees. Their faces were level, but he wouldn't look at her. She brushed at the tears running down his cheeks. She'd not comforted anyone like this before, but found it didn't matter, she knew how.

Cupping his face in her hands she tilted it upwards, so they could look at each other. "Listen to me," she said quietly. "You didn't cause her to die, and I know these things." She gave a self-deprecating smile. "You can't even say you could have prevented it." Chris shook his head, and her hand moved with it. These were things he'd gone over years ago, she could see his reluctance to talk about it. Maybe she should have pressed him, but she was no psychologist, and she knew there was another issue here. Her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and his sudden change of topic confused her momentarily. It must have shown in her face because he continued. "I'm being controlling, but I can close my eyes and still see Lucy lying there. First, in that hospital bed, and later in a pool of blood. I don't want to lose you." Knowing in graphic detail exactly what he must be seeing, Shauna grimaced.

"I'm not going to kill myself, Chris. I've seen death. It's not something I'm in a hurry to experience myself. I'm just a screwed up person who doesn't understand why you want to be near me."

"I guess we can just be two screwed up people together. I love you. I know you don't want to hear it, but it's true."

"I can't give you anything in return, Chris. I…I just can't."

His hand came up to one of hers and rested against it. "I know."

She ignored all thoughts of security and leaned into rest against his shoulder. He leaned his head on hers. They stayed there for a long time.

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