So many people have made suggestions of late for characters to include in my "Recovering Evil Madmen Support Group" stories, yet I can't include them all (and some are awesome characters but don't fit the qualifications) so I decided to do a series of short humorous interviews featuring these characters. They will all be posted as one-shots, so if you're interested in the whole series, mark me as Author Alert, not Story Alert. You don't have to read REMSG to understand these, but I'd like it if you did.

Dedicated to my prom date…

Interview with an Assassin

Interview Data Sheet

Applicant: Seishirou Sakurazuka

Interviewer: Raistlin Majere

Groaning, Raistlin put his tea mug down on the ceramic coaster on the hardwood desk, sank into the poufy leather chair behind it. On the walls around him, goofy animals frolicked in the wallpaper; he glared at a nearby bunny. The only room the Recovering Evil Madmen Support Group, being a nonprofit organization, could afford as an interview center used to belong to a preschool.

His golden eyes swept lazily over the paperwork scattered across the desk; his golden hands idly shuffled the same papers into neat piles. While he dressed for comfort—today he wore a baggy black sweatsuit since his robes were in the dry cleaners' and Ken's father had a spare one—in all other matters, the mage was inordinately fastidious.

Taking a sip of his tea, Raistlin opened the door with a wave of his hand. "Come in," he said grudgingly. Hopefully this would be a short interview, like his last one. That Boromir chap had reminded him so much of Sturm that he'd turned him away at the door in disgust. Whether or not the evilness of the applicant was debatable, there would never be a knight in the Group if Raistlin had anything to say about it.

Thankfully, this applicant definitely wasn't a knight; in fact, upon seeing his formal suit and tie, Raistlin wondered if the man actually wanted the tax office down the hall. But the look in the man's milk-white right eye and brown-amber left eye (plus his black trenchcoat) gave him away. That, and…

"You're bleeding on the carpet," Raistlin pointed out. "Both from there—" he pointed to the man's hand, which was coated in blood—"and there"—the man had a gaping hole in his chest where his heart should have been.

Looking down, the man noticed the other bloodstains on the carpet and smiled. "I'm not the first to come in…fresh, am I?"

"No, most of them are equally dead and inconsiderate," Raistlin said absentmindedly, flipping through this man's file.

The man smiled and sat down in the armchair facing the desk. "I'd just as soon be neither, but that can't be helped. Oh, look, penguins!" he added, noticing the wallpaper.

Raistlin snorted in reply, fascinated by the mention of magic in the man's report and thus not really caring about anything else. "Seishirou Sakurazuka…sole member of an assassin clan called the Sakurazukamori…" Frowning, he tried to reconcile "sole member" and "clan" in his head, failed, and continued. "Made a bet with Subaru Sumeragi of the Sumeragi clan…"

The man waved a hand. "Skip that part. In fact, skip the whole thing. May I be frank with you?"

Steeling himself for the usual breakdown at this stage of the interview, Raistlin sighed. "If you must."

"I didn't sign up for this. I don't know who signed me up. So, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not be a member."

Raistlin was shocked. Shocked, and sympathetic.

Examining his bloody hand, the assassin continued. "The whole concept seems a bit silly, really. Human beings are selfish by nature; thus, they will always act in their own self-interest first. It is a perfectly natural phenomenon. So why are these people branded 'evil' when they have acted the way everyone else does? Their goals and wishes were simply larger, and thus their actions had larger ramifications. There is nothing to be sorry for. If it must exist, their 'rehabilitation' should help them realize this fact." He took two objects out of his pocket, spun the wheel on one: a tongue of flame appeared. "Mind if I smoke?"

Raistlin took a preemptive gulp of tea. "Actually, yes. I have a…lung condition." He coughed a bit to prove his point. "Now…as to what you were saying. Would you then agree that guilt is a perfectly useless emotion?"

"In most if not all circumstances, yes."

Raistlin smiled and made a note on his paper.

"You're pleased?" Seishirou asked, seeming a bit surprised.

"Not everyone feels the way you do about that particular topic."

"Meaning you're tired of hearing the same old thing and agree with me."

"What purpose does it serve?" Raistlin asked, probing for more information about this man's opinions. The approval of others had never mattered to him, but it was somehow…comforting…to know that somewhere out there in a world of idiots, somebody besides himself had a modicum of sense. "Guilt? It keeps one from making things better by hampering one's decision-making capabilities. It, like all other strong emotions, impairs the mind…"

"…keeping one from being able to take the proper action," finished Seishirou.

Encouraged, Raistlin continued. "Which creates a circle of foolishness, as one who has suffered guilt, and then chose poorly because of being thus distracted…"

"…Feels guilt about the guilt."

Raistlin had reached nirvana. Finally! Finally someone he could have an intelligent conversation with…but he had to be sure…

"So you would, in addition, consider yourself not evil?"

"Of course not. To label someone as evil implies objective morality exists. Society determines morality, so each society's measurement is different. To some, I might be evil. Obviously to myself I am not."

Raistlin thought back to an earlier—much earlier—time, saw a flash of grey eyes and black hair, then banished it from his mind. "Indeed. So those who are so good they feel they can judge everyone else…"

Seishirou shrugged. "Are no different than the 'evil' ones condemning the 'good.' Morality is entirely a matter of perspective, and as humans are selfish, altogether a rather muddled concept."

"I've run out of questions," lied Raistlin, his heart pounding. He wanted to talk to this man in a different setting, was considering appointing a new apprenctice, would also not mind the additional perks of learning this man's sorcery. "You aren't qualified."

"For which you're both glad and disappointed."

"Yes," Raistlin admitted.

"Then I have just one more question for you." Seishirou felt in his pocket for his eyeglasses, put them on.

"Yes! What is it! Yes!" Raistlin was so excited that someone finally understood him that he forgot to be in character and whisper eerily.

Seishirou leaned forward and smiled. "Do you find me sexy?"

o0o

For those of you who think that last bit was OOC…he was wearing his glasses, darnit! So I'm okay!

Coming up next, Ken hosts Interview With A Dark Elf! And hopefully Dark Chest of Wonders will be done soon too…