XXXXXXX

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try


All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be, we never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
That's you, baby
This is me, baby

We are

- Nelly Furtado, 'Try'

XXXXXXX

Chapter 38

XXXXXXX

A few hours later, once the anger had slowly dissipated, all Sam was left with was the dull throbbing pain of being hurt by someone she thought was incapable of doing so. As much as his words stung, she refused to cry. She was too strong to waste tears on a man who would judge her so harshly. She pounded her pillow and rolled over in the bed, staring at the closed door wondering how things went so bad so quickly.

She knew that Martin had issues with infidelity but she was hoping that they wouldn't have to have that talk for a long time. It was too soon in their…..whatever it was that they were to talk about her affair with Jack. She also thought that when they finally did Martin would have been a lot more understanding than he was. And she had really hoped it would have gone a lot better than it had.

She lay in bed wondering what she would say to him in the morning when she heard a floor board creak and a shadow pass over the streak of light at the bottom edge of her door. Her heart raced, simultaneously nervous that Martin was going to knock on her door or worse; that he wouldn't.

He stood on the other side of the door for a little while as Sam waited, her heart pounding in her chest. Finally she heard it, a soft tap-tap on her door. If she had been asleep she wouldn't have heard it and she thought that maybe Martin was hoping she would be; but she was wide awake and they needed to talk. She took a breath and softly said, "Come in."

There was a hesitation and she wondered if he had heard her when the door slowly cracked open and the soft light from the hallway created a triangle of light directly on the foot of the bed. Sam liked that she could remain in the shadows, she didn't want this conversation to feel like an interrogation. Martin was wearing flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt; he stood there completely quiet with one hand on the doorknob and the other on the doorjamb.

Unable to take the tension a moment longer she broke the silence. "Did you stop by for any particular reason or are you just doing a bed check?"

He turned his focus to the molding on the door and said, "Um, I was just checking to see if you were alright because, um, my room's cold."

Sam sat up in bed and casually replied, "Talk to the owner."

He gave his head a slight nod that his excuse was lame and she waited for him to finally get to the reason for his visit.

"I'm sorry, Sam. I was out of line and I said things that I didn't mean." He apologized and even in the shadows she could see the remorseful look on his face. "It's just that….I guess I'm still raw about Ashley and it brought up a lot of feelings I thought I had already dealt with. I know it sounds like a lame excuse but it's the only one I have. I was wrong to take out my insecurities on you. You didn't deserve that and I wish I could take it all back."

While there was a part of her that wanted to lay into him again, to tell him that yes, he was in fact not only wrong but also a complete ass, she knew that it took a lot of courage for him to come to her room and apologize. Besides, maybe it was better he found out now rather than later. After all, a lie by omission is still a lie.

But she he also needed to understand so she quietly replied, "I can't change my past, Martin, any more than you can change yours. It's a part of me, of who I am."

He released his hand from the doorknob but made no move to enter. She watched him as he nodded his head and bit his lip before he said, "I know that and I am so sorry for everything I said."

Sam looked directly at him and responded, "I want to accept your apology but for some reason I think that you still have something you want to say."

He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against the doorjamb. With a bowed head he softly asked, "Do you regret it?"

She scooted further up in the bed so her back was resting against the pillows. She knew that this was a difficult question to answer so she decided to just go with the truth and let the chips fall where they may; at this point things couldn't get any worse.

She licked her lips and carefully began, "I regret that we hurt people, it still haunts me sometimes, but I don't regret him. I would never have an affair with a married man again but he was what I needed at the time, it was very special to me in spite of it all." She pulled the comforter up, suddenly feeling a chill and looked up to meet Martin's eyes. "I'm sorry if that hurts you but that's how I feel."

He stood there for a few beats, considering what she had said. With his eyes on the floor he softly replied, "Well, I guess old feelings die hard."

She tilted her head and answered, "They don't die. They just fade, and then you feel bad that they faded…..because you wonder what they meant when you had them."

He met her eyes and in an earnest voice said, "Well, I guess if they didn't fade, there wouldn't be room for new ones."

Without breaking eye contact she replied, "No, I guess there wouldn't."

He hovered in the doorway looking at her uncertainly. Wordlessly she pulled down the blankets and scooted over to make room for him. He watched her carefully as he crossed the room and climbed into bed next to her.

He noticed what she was wearing and said, "You're still fully dressed."

"All of my clothes are in your room and I didn't want to sleep in my underwear." She paused and a little later confessed, "You're right, it is cold."

They lay next to each other but not touching. Sam looked up and noticed a small crack that ran straight across the ceiling.

The sheets rustled as Martin moved slightly closer and softly whispered, "What are we going to do, Sam?"

She shifted her gaze to her hand that rested on her chest and replied, "I don't know, Martin. This thing between us is….overwhelming. I feel like we are traveling at warp speed."

"I feel the same way." He replied, turning his head to look at her. "It's like we are on the accelerated dating program."

She could feel his eyes on her, waiting for a reply but she kept looking straight ahead. She didn't want to start another fight but he needed to know and since he was the one who brought up the subject, as gently as possible she said, "Martin, I need to be with someone who knows my faults and doesn't hold them against me."

"Sam, I said I was sorry and I meant it." She could hear his voice crack as he spoke. "I am so sorry I said those awful things to you."

"Me too," She whispered, her throat aching with emotion. She swallowed and softly said, "I'm still going to go see my mom tomorrow. I need time away from you, to clear my head. I can't think rationally when I'm this close to you." She finally turned to face him, his blue eyes watching her worriedly. "I wasn't planning on meeting you Martin. You're so different from anyone I've ever met and while this last week was incredible it has also been frightening."

He rolled over to face her and said, "I feel the same way but as scary as it is, Sam, I don't know if I can let you go."

Sam sighed and looked back up at the crack overhead. Her eyes filled with tears and she shakily replied, "And I don't know if I can hold on."