A/N: Because imposter syndrome is a piece of shit
The door onto the bridge whispered softly as the heavy metal panel slid aside and Sara strode through, holding two steaming mugs in her hands, one of coffee and one of tea. She saw Suvi turn in her chair to look over one shoulder at her in surprise. It was, after all, the middle of the night. Sara gave a sloped smile, eyes playful. "I thought I heard someone in here," she said by way of explanation.
"Hi! Yes," Suvi replied, watching Sara approach. The Pathfinder wore her black combat boots, laces trailing, and her cargo trousers and a fitted Andromeda Initiative long sleeved T, clothes she had been wearing when she retired to her quarters for the night several hours ago. Suvi glanced at the time displayed on her console, then back to Sara with a look of utmost confusion. "Um, I don't mean to be rude but..." she hesitated, then pressed on, "what are you doing here, Ryder? It's almost 3am!" As far as Suvi knew she was the only member of crew awake. Duties were somewhat…relaxed while they were docked in Kadara Port.
"Well, it's my ship, I can go where I want when I want," Sara told her jokingly with a small shrug. "I couldn't sleep, too wired. Thought maybe you could use tea and company?" She held out one of the mugs, looking hopeful. Suvi smiled and took it gratefully. She knew SAM had probably told a sleepless Sara that their resident science officer was still up, knew it was more likely that Sara was the one who wanted company and had come looking. She felt a flicker of pride at being sought out by the object of her affections, hoped it didn't show on her face. "I thought maybe you couldn't sleep either?" Sara continued, thankfully oblivious.
"Thank you," the redhead said with a smile, holding her mug in both hands. "I've been going through some of the data SAM collated during your…excursion in the Badlands." She saw Sara wince faintly. Suvi had seen the mission report Sara had filed and had been horrified at its contents. A cannibalistic exile? How had he passed the Initiative's screening? Though, she supposed, a lot of murderous criminals had apparently slipped through the cracks and come along for the ride to Andromeda, if Kadara's inhabitants were anything to go by. "I suppose I lost track of time…" She had settled into her workstation hours ago. Outside, through the wide window that wrapped around the bridge, she could see the Kadara docks were still and empty of people. The lights in the tiny building that served as a kind of customs office had long since gone dark, leaving only the small round lights that ran in regular intervals along the edge of each landing platform, little beacons of white in the gloom that illuminated the underside of several other ships and shuttles. She looked away from the window to eye up the mug Sara held in one hand as the Pathfinder sipped at it, blue eyes flicking away from the window to meet Suvi's, and knew without asking that the mug contained coffee. Probably black and strong enough to wake the dead.
"You can't sleep so you made yourself coffee?" She asked, twitching a teasing eyebrow but not quite committing to the jest. Sara was the Pathfinder, effectively her boss, and Suvi didn't feel entirely comfortable taunting her the way some of the others did, though Sara seemed to thrive off the banter.
Sara scoffed, "did you expect me to make tea instead?"
As far as Suvi knew, Sara had never had a cup of tea in all her time as Pathfinder aboard Tempest. "You should! It's better!" She insisted.
Sara pulled a face, scrunching up her nose and shaking her head adamantly. "No, tea tastes weird."
"Coffee is bitter and makes me jittery," Suvi replied fairly. "Tea is..." She paused, searching for the words. "Earthy and comforting," she finished, breathing in the warm steam from her mug and smiling to herself.
Sara arched one eyebrow. "You're really going to describe something as 'earthy' to try and get me to drink it?"
Suvi gave a half laugh. "If you tried it with an open-mind you'd like it."
"Maybe tomorrow," Sara said after some consideration.
"Later?" Suvi asked playfully, considering the lateness of the hour. "Or tomorrow?"
Sara grinned at her. "We'll see."
"You should really be sleeping," Suvi told her, looking worried. "You have your meeting with Sloane tomorrow. The Initiative files on her suggest she's quite a handful. You'll want to be sharp…"
"I think I can handle a disgruntled exile," Sara replied with a smirk.
Suvi smiled wryly. "I don't doubt that," she admitted. It was Sara's tendency to shirk diplomacy in favour of sass and bravado that worried her. "Just…Don't give her an excuse to mount your head on a spike."
"Aw, are you worried about me?" Sara teased, a wide grin spreading over her face.
"Of course," Suvi said awkwardly, turning away and fussing with her workstation to hide her blush. "She had violent tendencies before she came to Kadara. Who knows what she's capable of now?" She closed the files she had been perusing, waiting for the heat to leave her cheeks before turning back to face Sara.
"I know," Sara said seriously. "I had SAM pull her files for me. I'm not going in blind. She's a maniac, but she's not an idiot. I know I need to keep in line, and I'll bet she knows not to risk a retaliation from the Initiative by messing with a Pathfinder."
"You're currently the Pathfinder," Suvi replied, as though she needed to remind Sara. She could only imagine how stressful it must be being the sole Pathfinder for the entire Initiative. "And I'm worried that she's asked for you to arrive alone."
"She's just showing us who's boss," Sara assured her, dismissing Suvi's concerns with a shake of her head. "We'll play her game, get our info from Vehn Terev, and then leave."
"You make it sound so simple," Suvi said with a soft smile. Sara sounded so confident, like that was exactly how things would unfold. As though they weren't terminally unlucky, scrabbling about in the dark and struggling to succeed.
"Hopefully it will be," Sara said. An odd look crossed her face then, as she offered Suvi a sloped smile- Suvi's stomach fluttered with butterflies as it usually did when met with that smile- though her eyes grew dark.
"Is something bothering you...?" Suvi asked warily, knowing Sara was more likely to lie and walk away than admit she had a problem.
"No," Sara said immediately. Then, "yes. Maybe."
Suvi frowned faintly and tipped her head. Sara paused, coffee mug halfway to her mouth, because maybe she should speak her mind. Suvi watched her quietly, waiting for an answer. She put the mug down on the top of Suvi's workstation, feeling the magnetic base grip the surface.
"Can I ask you something?" Sara's heart clenched. It was a simple question, or it should have been. For Sara though it was anything but simple. It was showing weakness, letting her guard down.
"Of course." Suvi looked up at her, ocean eyes curious. Sara met her gaze and faltered. She needed to know, needed to. But the words caught in her throat. She felt the usual walls build up, guarding her against revealing too much. She couldn't, absolutely couldn't let anyone in, couldn't reveal her heart. She needed to be strong. Or, at least, she needed to appear so.
She gave a crooked smile, hiding the inner turmoil, and shook her head. "You know what? It doesn't matter."
Suvi tipped her head to one side, turquoise gaze inquisitive. "It doesn't?"
Sara faltered, genuinely considering for one bizarre moment the possibility that Suvi could read minds. The way the redhead watched her, as though Sara's thoughts were etched into her skin, like a book easily read by her quick mind... Didn't make Sara feel as uncomfortable as she thought it should. The walls inexplicably lowered somewhat, teased away by Suvi's calming presence. Something about the redhead invited confidence, made it... Okay to talk. Sure, they'd had plenty of conversations about all kinds of things before, but this was different. More personal.
"I'm just curious," Sara said slowly, and hesitated, waiting for the walls to start frantically building again. But they didn't. Something in Suvi's gentle eyes urged her on. This was weird... "Sometimes I wonder if my Dad made the right choice with me, making me Pathfinder," this was so weird. She hadn't even spoken to Lexi about these concerns, had barely mentioned it in passing to Cora, her best friend. "Cora trained for the role and... She would be an amazing Pathfinder. She's a natural born leader, she's level-headed and... I'm..." she paused. She was impulsive, reckless, lost... And she was revealing too much. She shook her head and shrugged, the walls finally starting to rebuild. "I'm me."
There was more Sara had to say, but Suvi could see the Pathfinder closing off. The moment of vulnerability was over. Sara was back to being armoured up against such outbursts. She hadn't even really asked a question, though Suvi understood the one she had tried to speak.
"Can I say something?" Suvi asked, almost mirroring Sara's earlier question. Sara paused, studying her science officer curiously, because it seemed intentional.
"Anything," Sara replied genuinely.
Suvi smiled faintly, knowing her words could cause Sara to withdraw further, to escape any suggestion of her seeming 'weak' or 'vulnerable', as though having worries and emotions made her lesser somehow."It's not a question of who trained or who's better," Suvi stated with certainty.
"It's not?" Sara asked, brow creasing with confusion.
Suvi shook her head. "Cora would have been a great Pathfinder. But so are you. You're brave, kind, selfless-" beautiful. The thought made Suvi falter a moment before she continued firmly "-and I don't speak only for myself when I say we would follow you into the mouth of Hell if you asked." Suvi's eyes were bright with sincerity. Sara looked taken aback by the outburst. "No amount of training could have prepared anyone for Andromeda. You would be the same woman standing right here without the Pathfinder title. You are incredible. And one day you'll realize that."
"I, um," Sara frowned and coughed, trying to find her voice through the emotion welling in her chest. "Thanks." She offered a small smile.
Suvi returned it, expression soft and gentle and understanding. "Sometimes our brains tell us we're not good enough, despite overwhelming contradictory evidence. And it's okay to have those thoughts. And I'll always be here to tell those thoughts where to stick it." She flashed a rare cheeky grin.
Sara couldn't help but to utter a laugh of surprise. "Feisty!"
"That happens sometimes," Suvi replied seriously. "But only if the situation really calls for it." She gave another playful smile, and Sara realized with a faint thrill that Suvi was teasing her, making light of the moment so that Sara could find her feet.
Sara paused at the sudden rush of fondness for the gentle scot, at the way Suvi had the measure of her without asking, before offering a crooked smirk. "I promise I won't tell on you."
"Thank you," Suvi said, lifting her mug to her lips and blowing across the surface of her tea to cool it. "I don't want everyone realizing I'm not quite as calm and collected as they think I am."
Sara found herself laughing at the spark of mischief in Suvi's turquoise gaze as the redhead sipped at her tea. She was seeing the usually reserved and awkward scientist in an entirely new light, and she was loving it.