Lord Potter
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's note: This is in the same thread as 'Betrayed', so reddit was the inspiration and its a crack fic. It also mocks the over popular trope 'Lord Hadrian James too-many-names'. Read, enjoy and review!
After the war, Harry walked into Gringotts under his invisibility cloak. He had stayed up all night memorizing his grand apology speech written by Hermione. He was ready to beg, borrow or barter with even Draco Malfoy, and the only thing he wished to have in return was the goblin's forgiveness. He knew how ruthless enemies they were.
The main hall was thankfully empty, of people that is. As he walked in, all the goblin's eyes turned upon him and he gulped as he walked up to who he was told was the Goblin King. He had a funny name, Jinhook or Pickhook or something. He was dressed...oddly. Oddly because he was naked in his lower half, except for some leaves covering his private parts and his upper body was covered in animal pelts. A flower crown was on his head. As he neared the King, he bowed, starting his speech.
"Oh, great Goblin King," he started but was cut off by the King himself getting up and hugging him.
"OMG, Harry Potter!" he shrieked in an unusal high-pitched voice. "I'm your biggest fan! Don't let the nasty, gold-digging goblins convince you otherwise. I mean, can you believe that they tried to kill you? You're the chosen one. ROFL!"
That was totally unexpected. Harry just blinked and stood there, petrified as the King hung from his arm and talked about makeovers. Was he dreaming?
"Um...Great Goblin King," he started again, but the addressed person ignored him. Oh, what was the use? "Great Goblin King!" he finally yelled, frustrated. The goblins turned to stare at him, silenced. "Thank you. As I was saying-"
"Daisy! Jasmine! Gimli!" yelled the Goblin King, cutting him off again. "Bring him an inheritance test."
Three dwarfs appeared. Two were dressed similar to the Goblin King, except for their long hair which was blonde, but one was different. He had red hair and he held an axe. "He's an elf!" he yelled. "I'm not bringing him an inheritance test!" And the third marched off.
The two blondes however quickly ran off, giggling, coming back with a piece of parchment and a quill. The Goblin King let go of his arm and held out the parchment to him. "Please sign this," he requested, fluttering his eyelashes at him.
"Okay," he agreed, resigned to the fact that he was not going to get to say his apology speech. He held the quill and quickly signed his name in the placeholder where it said name. A stinging sensation appeared at the back of his hand, and as he looked at it, he saw the words 'Harry James Potter' in blood. A blood quill! He started to protest but the annoying goblin grabbed his arm again and pointed at the parchment.
"Oh, lookie Harry Potter!" he shrieked like a teenage girl. "You're related to every wizarding family in the planet. Your full title is 'Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter'."
Wait, what? The goblin just literally named all of the pure blood families plus the founders. He called bullshit. "Alright," he said, thankful that his voice was calm. "Can I just get access to my account?" he asked, desperately.
"Of course you can," smiled the Goblin King. "You can get access to all your accounts, because you're descended from all these families. You don't even need a key."
"Oh-kay," he said, still a little freaked out. "I've gotta go, bye!" And with these words, he turned tail and fled, invisibility cloak flying behind him.
Behind him, he could hear the goblin's voice shrieking, "We've gotta to release this to the press."
"So, 'Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter'," he heard a voice say, and he turned to see the love of his life leaning on the door-frame, smiling at him. "Are you going to kiss me?"
He got up from his bed, placing his photo album down. "Why, Miss Weasley," he said, his voice filled with humor. "That'll be incest."
They laughed together, and it felt like old times. "You know Harry, I don't believe in this nonsense," Ginny told him as they finally collected themselves.
"I don't either, Gin," he said, sitting down again, this time inviting his amazing girlfriend to sit with him. "But, there's no one to whom I can turn to. Even Hermione believes this rot!"
Ginny rested her head on his shoulders. "Well," she started, her voice drowsy. "I guess we're the only sane ones."
They fell asleep together, and the next morning, a loud shriek was heard from The Burrow.
"Lord Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter, I see you are conducting yourself in a manner not befitting one with your titles," said the blonde ferret as he paced around him. After the completely innocent sleeping together incident, the Ministry had decided to give him etiquette training, headed by the supreme Daddy's boy.
"Idiot Malfoy, I see you are conducting yourself in a manner completely befitting one with your degree of inbreeding and brain damage," he retaliated, taking a huge amount of pleasure at his taken-aback expression.
"Call me Lord Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter," he started again, and he lost it.
He banged his hands down on the table and said in a low voice, that he hoped was threatening, considering the fact he was wearing bright pink sparkly robes which he was told was the official Wizengamot uniform, because he was in the Wizengamot now with his titles and all, "Call me Lord too-many-names Potter again and I will hex you."
He smiled vindictively at Malfoy's expression. He hoped he peed his super expensive, custom made pants.
The Wizengamot was in session, dressed in sparkly, pink robes with flimsy paper crowns on their foreheads and with as much makeup on their faces as a teenage girl who wants to hide her acne. Or who just thinks excessive makeup will make her look good. The chief Warlock, apparently descended from Merlin, who was not an old man and was manservant to King Arthur, was sitting on a throne made out of roses. Because with magic, anything's possible. He was one of the many in the sea of bright, glittery pink!
"The system of wizarding nobility is absurd and needs to be abolished," he said strongly.
"How can you say that Lord Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter?"
"Generally I just open my mouth and make sounds come out that people hear as words."
He was angry. Scratch that, he was furious. How dare that blond ferret call Ginny a- call Ginny a-you know what, forget it! He was going to kill him. But, being Lord too-many-names Potter, he could not just outright kill him. He had to stage a duel, that would make the death seem like an accident.
He had to be dressed in his best robes for the event, courtesy of Hermione. She believed that because he was Lord Potter, he had to do everything dressed to the nines. And anyways, they were itchy and were so warm that they made him sweat. Well, in this duel, he was going to scorch these itchy robes off.
He was well prepared. Hannah Abott, who according to Pickhook, for that was the Goblin King's name, was his two hundredth cousin, was his doctor and Ron, who according to Pickhook was his three hundredth cousin, was his second. Because, despite everything, he still trusted his oldest and best friend.
Due to duelling etiquette, he had to first write a polite letter to the snake and invite him to meet with him in a public place. And that was when the duel would start. If you ask him, it was too much work. He could just march up to his stupid, fucking manor and duel him to the death right then and there. But for Astoria, his five hundredth cousin, he had to resist the urge.
The day of the duel arrived, and his opponent arrived in all of his smug grandeur. He was going to knock that smug look off his face in this duel. As the bouncing ferret stepped in the temporary duelling ring in Diagon Alley, a look of confidence in his face, confidence that he would win this fight, he started speaking.
"I, Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Lord Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter, son of James challenge you Draco, son of-whatever! Impedimenta!"
"I must capture Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter to regain my honor!" yelled a rogue Death Eater, shooting fire out of his wand.
"Wellll."
"Ms. Weasley has been sneaking you a love potion," Snape's slimy tones remarked. Yeah, the greasy hair guy was alive. He was a 'potions master', so he kept bezoars in his pocket. Well, if he was a potions master, he wouldn't have marked his boil-curing potion as a T! He had given it to Slughorn, and the man had said that is was amazing.
"You're lying," he said.
"I have proof," the man hissed, showing him a paper. He took it, but didn't bother to read it.
"Alright," he said. "This tea tastes a bit odd, and a little thick, like there's a potion in it. Mind if I look?" Without waiting for Snape's answer, he waved his wand over it. A reddish hue popped up, and with it a few words. "Compulsion Potion," he read.
Witnesses say that they saw the residence of one Severus Snape blow up in an explosion at 15:16:17 on Thursday, 2002.
"Do you, Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter take Ginevra Molly Weasley as your lawfully wedded wife?" asked the minister.
"I do," he replied, his eyes on his soon-to-be wife. She looked gorgeous in her long, formfitting, sleeveless white dress. Her hair was braided into a bun and in her hands she held a bouquet of wildflowers.
"And do you, Ginevra Molly Weasley take Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter as your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," she said in her sweet voice.
"Then I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride," he added to him.
He was eager too. He clutched his wife's waist as she slung her hands around his neck as they kissed. It was long and passionate, but felt like short.
Finally, they turned to the guests as the minister announced, "I present you Lord and Lady Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter."
"So, Mrs. Potter," he asked her as they moved to the music. "How does it feel to be the wife of the Chosen One?"
"It feels good," she told him, but then her eyes gained a spark of mischievousness. "I've got a question for you? Why didn't you address me as Lady Ginevra Molly Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter nee Weasley, Lord Hadrian James Fleamont Charles Linifred Ignotus Cadmus Antioch Black-Peverell-Gaunt-Abott-Avery-Bulstrode-Burke-Carrow-Crouch-Fawley-Flint-Greengrass-Lestrange-Longbottom-Macmillan-Malfoy-Nott-Ollivander-Parkinson-Prewett-Rosier-Rowle-Selwyn-Shacklebolt-Shafiq-Slughorn-Travers-Weasley-Yaxley-Slytherin-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Hufflepuff-Potter?"
"Don't call me that," he groaned. "I've only said my supposedly full name only once, and I never ever want to again."
"So, everybody else can call you that, but not me?" asked Ginny, feigning hurt.
"No-no, I didn't mean that," he hurried to assure her.
"So, I can call you by your full title?"
"No, I didn't mean that either!"
This was fun to write. The first half of it was pretty crack-ish, but the second half didn't turn out as I expected. Tell me what you think in the reviews.