Well, here's the final chapter; very many thanks to those of you who have
stuck with this to the bitter end and thanks too for the reviews both
positive and critical (even Mandarin – in those moments when I feel I may
not be in my right mind I remember your reviews and feel reassured of my
own sanity), they're all encouraging because it tells me that you've
bothered to read this at all!
And can I urge those of you who haven't already done so to read Californiagirl's parallel story (Once More With Feeling) told from Luka's POV; it's been an intriguing experiment because we're very different both as writers and, sometimes, in our take on these characters. This was CAGirl's first fic and kudos to her!
So, thanks again for reading – enjoy!
PART 23
It's cold in the car and I can't hold his hand while he's driving but when the lights change he takes mine and holds it quietly. As they turn to green a contraction starts up and he waits until it passes and curses the driver behind us who sounds his horn when we don't move.
"Someone's in a hurry" I say as the lights turn red again. He answers me in Croatian, looking daggers in the rear view mirror. The horn sounds again. "Maybe someone's having a baby" I crack and he laughs this time.
"Hi, I'm Maggie, I'll be taking care of you but only for the next half hour or so. There'll be someone new along then." Maggie. Perfect. She's chirpy and man do I not need chirpy. I'm about to ask if I can see the specials for today but think better of it. "Okay, er . . . "and she looks at the chart, "Abigail – "
"Abby."
"Abby, let's get out of our things and into a gown so we can be checked over."
"We?" I mouth at Luka who responds with a smile of oceanic calm. This could be a very long half hour. She makes to help me but I tell her we've got it thanks very much.
"Okay, fine, I'll be right back." As the door closes behind her Luka sighs. "Don't say anything," he warns, "she'll be gone soon."
"She talked like a waitress."
"She'll be gone soon."
"Maybe I should tell her I used to do her job."
"She'll be – "
"Gone soon, I get it." He's kneeling, taking the shoes from my feet. He has lovely hair. "You have lovely hair." He shakes his head and laughs softly without looking up.
"You too." He stands up now, arms braced either side of me. "This is going to be hard enough without picking fights with the staff."
"I didn't."
"Just remember – "
"She'll be gone soon."
But here she is, blood pressure, temperature, urine sample, prodding, hand between my legs. He looks away instinctively. I feel I ought to tell him that privacy and dignity are going to be in pretty short supply around here soon so I love him for that gesture and all of a rush I'm reminded of when I asked for a gown when he and Susan examined Brian's handiwork and he turned his back. Was that really me?
"Four centimetres. Making our way through the foothills here." She hooks me up to the monitor and the room is filled with the insistent woosh woosh woosh of the baby's heartbeat. "Looking good, all systems go" and she actually gives me the thumbs up. I look at him and he looks back steadily and shakes his head almost imperceptibly.
"Well, thanks for bringing her up here doctor . . . "and she stoops to look at his ID ". . . . Kovac but we've got it from here."
"I'm staying."
"What?"
"My name is Kovac too," I point out with enough emphasis to show her how she mangled his name. She looks at the chart, chewing on her pen. Just swallow it already.
"So you're the father? "
"So far just the husband," he corrects her, "for the next few hours anyway."
"I see. So, you know the drill then."
"Me too" I say as she seems to have forgotten that I'm here.
"First baby."
"First one on this end of proceedings."
"I don't – "
"OB nurse, ER nurse, sometime med student." She looks a little shocked. "How about you? I don't recognise you from when I worked here."
"Agency."
"Ah." She notices my change of expression and steps aside, motioning Luka to take my hand. When the pain passes she chirrups "Okey dokey, boys and girls, we'll just keep an eye on how things are moving along for the next couple hours. Things can slow down sometimes after the – but you know all this. You have a birth plan?" I'm about to hand it over when a voice from the door calls "I'll take that!" and I could almost cry with relief when I recognise Veronica who's help deliver more babies than I've had Jack Daniels.
"Okay Maggie you can go, I've got it from here." Maggie doesn't look sorry to go. "You know Abby if this is a Mystery Customer thing they goofed, they should've sent you to Mercy. Those prosthetic ankles are a pretty crappy disguise, I recognised you right off. You brought your own doctor I see" Veronica continues with a wink.
"I almost never leave home without him."
"I don't blame you," she says under her breath as she bends over me to check my pulse, "I wouldn't let him out of my sight for long either," and then, to him, "You might want to lose the lab coat, dad, it'll confuse the staff."
"Sure." Meekly he removes it.
"You had breakfast?"
"No."
"You should go and get some before things warm up in here. I don't want you fainting on us. Coburn takes no prisoners, she'll just step right over your useless carcass."
"I'm fine."
She looks at me and says so that only I can hear "I'll say" and then continues for his benefit "Well how about we go through this piece of fantasy and wish fulfilment first then." She's holding my birth plan up between thumb and forefinger. Luka nods and sits in the chair at my bedside.
"So, no Fentanyl or narcotics of any kind."
"Under any circumstances." I tell her.
"Can I ask why?"
"I want my wits about me."
"Oh, good answer. Seen too many spaced out moms, huh? Still the spaced out baby can make sure you get some rest that first night. OK. Next - no epidural."
"For preference, but . . . " Luka says, glancing at me.
"OK."
"You're not going to try and talk me out of that?"
"You won't need me to talk you out of it. If you can't stand it any longer you'll know better than anyone." She holds her hand out to Luka. "C'mon, give."
"Give what?"
"The whale song tapes."
"No whale song."
"Vivaldi, Gregorian Chant, Ambient Chillout?"
"Nope."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Jesus, you're really going back to basics here, aren't you? Maybe I should boil some water and get clean towels, find you a bullet to bite on. Will you be wanting to take the placenta home so you can bury it someplace by the light of the full moon?"
"You know I think we'll pass on that one."
"Good decision. The music's a mixed blessing. We had Celine Dion all night last night."
"Kelly?"
"What?"
"The mother's name."
"Yeah, I think. Kind of an idiot. Screamed her fool head off all the way through even after the epidural."
"What did she have?"
"A boy. Leonardo."
"Very cultured" I say, surprised.
"More DiCaprio than Da Vinci. She has a Titanic fixation bigger than the goddamned iceberg." She chatters on for a few minutes, I reassure her that I have my surrender word and that if Luka has to leave I'll make sure she knows it.
"You're on?" she asks, surprised.
"No. I'll be here."
I'm actually thankful that a contraction interrupts things at this point and disappointed that it feels weaker than the others.
"We'll keep an eye on things for a while but if we have to give things a little kick in the ass . . . "
"Last resort" I say.
"You got it. Look, Luka, I was serious about the breakfast, go and eat, take a shower, you'll feel better. You just worked a shift, right, and it's hotter than hell in here, so even if you don't feel better for the shower we will. Go while you have chance." He doesn't argue with her but looks at me and I smile my approval. As the door closes behind him she turns to me. "Well, just look at you. We heard you got yourself hitched to a doctor."
"If you can't be one marry one" I crack.
"Not a bad choice either."
"I've made worse decisions."
"I'll bet. This his first baby too?"
"No. He had, er, he had a couple of kids before, back in Croatia."
"They with their mom?"
"Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"They're buried together."
"Jesus."
"It's OK. Just . . . keep an eye on him. I might be kinda busy here."
"Sure, not a problem. Keeping my eyes on him I mean, not a problem at all. How about keeping my hands on him too?"
"You know that's kind of low."
"What?"
"Hitting on the husband of a woman in labour."
"Nah, low is when they hit back!!"
7.50 am
"You feel better?"
"I felt fine before."
"But you ate?"
"Sure."
"Liar."
"I got coffee."
"On an empty stomach and no sleep. Keep working on that ulcer."
"What? That's not real coffee."
"I don't think your duodenum is going to make the distinction."
"I don't remember covering this in med school."
"What?"
"Early stages of labour characterised by nagging."
"I am immune to criticism. I am embarking on a life changing, character building rite of passage connecting me to millions of women down through the ages since the dawn of time."
"I thought I told you not to read Kitzinger." He glances at the monitor. "Feel that?"
"Oh yeah." These pains are starting to bite.
"OK?"
"OK."
"What's that, ten minutes?"
"This time. They're not so regular, I think maybe they're slowing down."
"Not for long."
"I don't want speeding up. I've seen it, I don't want it."
"Don't worry, I've got your back."
"Promise? I mean I know you doctors, you'll want to be home in time for dinner, right?"
"No-one to cook it."
"Take out."
He shrugs. "I'll order pizza. Pepperoni good with you?"
"Sure. With anchovies. "
10.20 am
"Trench warfare."
"What?"
"It's like trench warfare. One of the British war poets wrote something about how it was days and days of tedium and boredom broken up by episodes of extreme terror and pain. I didn't realise how boring this is. I mean I always had other things to do before."
He runs through the options: TV, radio, are there any calls I want to make? No, no and no. "So, maybe we can fit in a game of Scrabble between contractions, huh?"
"Shut up, Luka."
11.10 am
"Six centimetres. Slowing down a little."
"I don't want – "
"I know, don't worry, no need to panic yet."
"I promised my mom we'd call, let her know how things are going. Do it for me?"
"Sure."
He reaches for the phone. "Outside. If she hears the monitor or I start up again she'll want to speak to me. I can't do that."
"What do you want me to tell her?"
"Just tell her I'm doing fine, all going according to plan."
"I'll send Veronica in."
While he's gone Veronica checks me over again, I tell her I'm bored, she tells me to make the most of bored because soon bored is going to be looking pretty damned good. The door opens and there's Carter.
"Hey."
"Word gets around."
"Where's Luka?" I don't like the edge in his voice.
"He's calling my mom."
"Huh. I'm covering the end of his shift, I'd be a little pissed if he was home sleeping." He perches on the edge of the bed. "So, we having fun?"
"It's a lot of laughs. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner."
Veronica giggles. "I'll be back." When she's gone Carter says "So how's it going really?"
"He's fine."
There's a pause which lasts a split second too long. "I meant you."
"I already told you, I'm good. Oh crap."
Carter reaches for my hand but I snatch it away. "Trust me, I'm a doctor." He grabs my hand and holds on while I breath through it. "You're a natural." he says, putting my hand very deliberately back down on the bed as Luka gets back. He stops for a second, seeing what he sees. "Did I miss anything?"
"Olympic class Lamaze performance going on in here" Carter says getting up. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his lab coat and rocks on his heels a little.
"Thanks for covering my shift." This is without doubt Luka for "Get the fuck out of here, Carter" but Carter isn't fluent in Kovac and grins back.
"You owe me."
"Sure."
"Well, I, er, I just wanted to see how things were going with the earth mother. I'll be watching for the white smoke and then we can send up some of our own." He stands for a second longer and then Luka opens the door for him.
"Give 'em your best in the ER?"
"Sure. I'd send postcards but, you know . . . "
"Yeah." Still he hovers.
"'Bye, Carter. Thanks for the cover again." Luka's voice is tight, his arm is at Carter's back and he more or less pushes him out of the place. Luka gives it a second before saying "He OK?"
"I guess. I can't say I'm real concerned with him right now." He nods. "What did he mean about the smoke?"
"Cigars. He gave them to me months ago. Probably cost more than the GDP of a small African country."
"What do you have there?"
"I got you these."
Cheap gossip magazines. "You? Are perfection."
"I aim to please."
"You aim pretty well."
12.20 pm
"She lost 60 pounds? In three weeks?"
"It's what it says here."
"It's a lie."
"I don't know. I'm planning on losing about 25 pounds in the next twelve hours."
"So, only another two days of the same and you'll have broken her record."
"You think these things pay well for stories?"
"What, are you thinking of the college fund?"
"I'm thinking of your mother's piano."
"I'm pretty sure they don't pay that well. Nobody pays that well."
1.15 pm
"Can I take a walk?"
"Sure." Veronica helps me up and unhooks the monitor. The peace which follows is blissful. We walk down the hall, Veronica following me and Luka who holds on to me when the contraction comes, the top of my head pushed against him. When I look up at him he looks anxious. "You OK?"
"I'm fine. Is this helping? The walking?" I consider for a moment.
"No. You know this is not as easy as I'm making it look."
"You want to go back to bed?"
"Could you just go in there and slap some paint on the wall first?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That colour is driving me crazy."
Chuny and Haleh. Susan. Jing Mei. Elizabeth. Kerry. Frank for God's sake, even Frank – they all call, a stream of messages from the desk clerk.
"Should have sold tickets" Luka says under his breath.
Right about three in the afternoon things start to speed up. The room is getting on my very last nerve, all pinks and apricots and why did I never notice how crappy the pictures on the walls in here are before? I beg Veronica to turn off the sound on the monitor because it's like torture. More torture.
"My feet are cold."
"Did you bring socks?" Veronica asks.
"In the bag."
Before she can get them he's moved to the bottom of the bed and is chafing my feet between his hands to warm them. It's a whole lot better than socks.
"Nice paint job on the nails" he says with a smile.
"Yeah, well, I know this guy."
"He's good."
"He's cheap. Cute too."
"Cheap and cute?" Veronica asks. "Is he gay? He must be gay if he works in a salon."
"No stereotype left unturned," Luka murmurs.
"Ah, no, he's not gay. But he's very exclusive."
"You're not leaving here without giving me his number."
I look him in the eye. "Sure."
3.15 pm
"You hungry?"
"A little. More tired than hungry."
"Go get something to eat."
"There are what, three minutes between contractions now? How fast do you think I can move? Or eat?"
"Veronica will stay with me. I'll be fine."
"I know."
He stays put.
3.45 pm
"This is a nightmare."
"I know."
"You don't know, you have no idea. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't do this any more, I want to go home."
"You can't do that, not this time, this you have to see through."
"I can't."
"Abby, open your eyes, look at me."
"Please, Luka, let me go home, I don't know what I'm doing here."
"Come on, look at me. Sixty seconds, that's all, keep looking, keep your eyes open, don't hold your breath, thirty seconds, nearly done, stay with me, breathe, 10, 9, 8 . . . good, that's good . . . "It passes, I want to cry. He pushes my hair back, kisses my forehead.
"Luka."
"What?"
"Next time I say I want to do this the natural way?"
"Yes?"
"Ignore me."
He nods; "Next time."
"What time is it?"
"After four, dark already. I think it's trying to snow." He's quiet, stroking my hand. Veronica has been sitting quietly in the corner, waiting, but even she has to pee so we're alone for the moment. These moments are getting shorter and shorter, tiny little patches of blue sky in the relentless fucking downpour of pain and struggle, a gap of one, maybe two minutes and fuck, almost worse than the pain because I'm just waiting for the next one to hit.
Trench warfare. Right.
You think life's a bitch? Let me tell you it has nothing on this. I should have thought about it when I got to about 24 weeks because the truth is there comes a point when you have to go through with it, where there's no backing out, he's right, and it's the only thing in my whole life I couldn't change my mind about. Career, marriage, men, drink – I could wriggle out of all of them but there's no escape from this and I see now that there hasn't been for months. I guess that's when your mind finally goes, when you start putting pans away in the refrigerator and cheese in the dishwasher and forgetting people's names. Mother nature's way of distracting your attention so you go through with it. She's a nasty, sneaky old bitch, Mother Nature. He looks at me and smiles, and the wave of panic I can feel building ebbs a little. If I'm trapped he's trapped right here with me because I know nothing, nothing in the world would make him leave.
"OK?"
"Apart from the indescribable agony?"
"Apart from that."
"I guess." It is a guess - I think I've kind of lost any sense of perspective here. "You?"
"Don't worry about me."
"I do."
"Don't, I'm fine."
"I'm so tired."
"I know." He looks at me nervously, strokes my hair. "Any sign of my dad? I mean, time's running out if he's going to show up."
"I think he's going to stand me up."
"Typical."
"Luka."
"Already?"
This one is a real bitch and then I barely have time to recover before he's telling me again to breathe, to keep my eyes on him, to breathe, to breathe and go ahead and yell if I want to.
"Pressure . . . " I grunt.
"What?"
"Pressure you idiot!"
"I'll get Veronica."
"Don't go!" He hits the call button and as he's standing at the head of the bed I grab him around the waist and hold on as the pain starts up again.
"Abby . . . Abby, I can't breath, you have to let go." I hang on but then I feel hands uncurling my arms and Veronica is telling me to let go and open my eyes, counting me down. As the contraction ends she examines me again and tells me she's going for Coburn and not to go anywhere. Funny.
"Christ let this be over soon. I don't know what I'm doing any more. Can't you make it stop?"
"No, I can't, this is you now. It will be finished soon, you're nearly there."
"Fucking doctors." Hah, it was actually fucking doctors well, fucking this doctor, that got me here. I'm so tired. " Whose stupid idea was it to do this anyway? I hate this."
"I know. You want to sit up a little more?"
"No."
"OK, come on then." He pulls me upright. The room suddenly seems very full as Veronica returns with Coburn who has a student in tow and would I mind if he observed? Right now I don't care if the Chicago Symphony Orchestra wants to observe as long as I can hold on to Luka and get this over and done with.
"Ten centimetres, ready when you are." There's something hugely reassuring about the sound of Janet Coburn's voice. It crosses my mind that if I could choose I'd like a Janet Coburn for a mom.
Luka bends close and says "So . . . about that blow job . . ." Three pairs of eyes snap upwards towards us, eyebrows synchronised in shock. Luka grins and I actually giggle. "Don't make me laugh, you bastard."
"Er . . . Okay, Abby, next contraction I want you to put your chin down, take a deep breath – "
"It's OK, I know what to do, my husband's a doctor." And I manage a smile for him.
And I've never wanted to just look at him so badly before. In that moment I'm afraid of this baby, afraid of what it will do to us, afraid that someone else will get those looks he gives just to me, that he's giving me now, in these last moments when it's just me and him.
He's afraid too, I can see it. A father, he'll be a father and it's not the same thing as being my lover or my husband and me being a mother isn't the same as me being his wife and right there I know it's the same fear that would be there if he'd never done this before, if this was the first time.
The first time.
Jesus, this is the first time for us, me and him, and I want to tell him that I see it now, that I know he was right when he said it would just be us here but the pain steals my voice. Suddenly he smiles, a smile of such brilliance that I want to laugh but I feel the tears come to my eyes instead because I think he saw the understanding in my eyes, I think he saw that; then the smile's gone from his face but it's like it's still there in the air between us. Veronica breaks the moment telling me to pull my thighs up toward me; Luka braces himself against one foot, she against the other and they hold a hand each and she says "You go, girl, show 'em how it's done." I want to laugh. Oh, God, of all the ridiculous, desperate things to be doing. Yeah, this is life changing alright.
Coburn is telling us we have a girl, he says no, he doesn't want to cut the cord and she's heavy as she lies on me before they take her to check her over. He glances over as they work, draws in his breath sharply as she cries and then turns back to me, kissing my face and telling me that he's pretty sure her ears are tiny and pink not long and furry so there go dreams as prophecy then. Veronica says she's the Spinal Tap of babies with an APGAR of 12 and the student giggles but Coburn obviously doesn't understand .They weigh her and tag her and wrap her and bring her back to me, her head still smeared and a little bloody. She fights her arms free of the blanket and pulls them up to her face and I take in that she has long fingers and a shock of black hair and she goes straight back to sleep. He holds her while I'm cleaned up and then they leave us alone, the three of us.
"So how did I do?" My voice is hoarse from straining.
"What do you think?" His accent is thick with emotion.
"Not bad for a beginner I guess."
He nods, looks at me intently like he's trying to commit me to memory. "And how are you doing now?"
"I don't know, I never did this before. I think I'm doing okay. I'm glad it's over." Except of course it's not, it's just started, God help me, but he keeps that to himself.
"You did great. I'm so proud of you."
"I'm tired." Truth is I can't remember my name and I don't know what day or year it is or who the president might be and I'm pretty lucky they don't do spot psych consults in here.
"Why don't you get some sleep while you can?" he says. He has to call Maggie and Ivica and Tatijana and go down to the ER with the news. Obviously exhausted too and in need of a shave, his face is scratchy against mine when he leans in to kiss me. I grab hold of him then, just wanting to be close. He laughs softly. "You did it."
"We did it."
"Yeah. We did it."
"Don't go yet."
"No. "And he holds me then as the snow falls outside with the lights turned down low in the room.
I've been asleep, that much is obvious. For a moment or two I wonder where I am. I feel like someone has smashed me between the legs with a baseball bat and then I remember. I did it.
He doesn't know I'm watching him. He has her balanced on his forearms and he's just staring at her, staring, staring, staring. He seems very still and he's not saying anything but every line of his face and body is speaking out loud, and they're speaking of happiness. And then, without taking his eyes from her he says "Hey, mom." How did he know I was awake?
"Hey." Now he looks at me. And he smiles.
"You've really gone and done it this time."
"I guess. She sleeping?"
"Yeah. She's had a busy day, she's as tired as you are."
"I really don't think so."
He gets up, very sure, very relaxed, more certain, more complete than I've ever seen him, a whole new Luka, everything he should be, and he perches on the edge of the bed, Rosa's head resting in his hand. My daughter. Jesus.
"She's . . . lovely" he says softly, his voice a smile. The smell of Carter's cigars is clinging faintly to him and it's an odd masculine thing in this low lit softly coloured place.
"Look at all that hair. She's a Kovac."
"Rosa, this is your mother. She is without doubt the bravest woman you will ever meet in your life."
"You should listen to your father because he's absolutely right. Except when he's wrong. Will I love her?"
"What?"
"I don't – not now."
"You don't know her."
"You look like you love her."
"You'll love her. Pretty hard to love the truck that just ran you over, huh?"
"I guess."
"Don't worry about it, OK?"
"But – "
"OK?" he repeats, more forcefully.
"OK", I say back because even if I had the energy there's no arguing with him. "You call everyone?"
"I called everyone. Maggie cried, Tatijana cried and my father pretended he wasn't crying but he was. I think maybe Zagreb had better watch out tonight. I promised you'd call them yourself when you feel up to it."
"Round about this little thing's fifth birthday I guess." Rosa starts to stir. "God, I have to feed her, don't I?"
"If you want her to make her fifth birthday, yes." I feel a little cold right there because I'm thinking of Marko who never made his fifth birthday but he's smiling.
"I could use some help."
"I'll get Veronica." But as he makes to stand up I hold onto him. There's something I want to say but I don't even know what it is.
"Luka – "
And then he kisses me, not the chaste, tender kiss of childbed mythology but a fierce, bruising thing between a man and a woman over our baby, right over her, and I guess he gets what it is I want to say. "I know," he says against my mouth, "I know."
You ever do that, look back and you can see those moments when things change, or when they don't, or when you can think "Yeah, that was good"? I never used to, never had the knack of letting myself just sink into the moment, not worrying about where it came from or what came next. I can look back and see where stuff changed, where things changed shape or direction. But the good stuff I kind of missed, waiting for the next thing to jump out at me.
Now? Now I can sink into this moment and that long list of things I knew were never going to lead anywhere good is filed away for reference only. Because things have changed for ever. I can sink into this moment and yes, I know all about the shit that's waiting for me, for us, and I can say "Bring it on" because things have changed for ever and I've changed them, me, and whether stuff is good or bad it's mine, mine and his and hers, this stuff that's changed for ever.
This is living, see?
And can I urge those of you who haven't already done so to read Californiagirl's parallel story (Once More With Feeling) told from Luka's POV; it's been an intriguing experiment because we're very different both as writers and, sometimes, in our take on these characters. This was CAGirl's first fic and kudos to her!
So, thanks again for reading – enjoy!
PART 23
It's cold in the car and I can't hold his hand while he's driving but when the lights change he takes mine and holds it quietly. As they turn to green a contraction starts up and he waits until it passes and curses the driver behind us who sounds his horn when we don't move.
"Someone's in a hurry" I say as the lights turn red again. He answers me in Croatian, looking daggers in the rear view mirror. The horn sounds again. "Maybe someone's having a baby" I crack and he laughs this time.
"Hi, I'm Maggie, I'll be taking care of you but only for the next half hour or so. There'll be someone new along then." Maggie. Perfect. She's chirpy and man do I not need chirpy. I'm about to ask if I can see the specials for today but think better of it. "Okay, er . . . "and she looks at the chart, "Abigail – "
"Abby."
"Abby, let's get out of our things and into a gown so we can be checked over."
"We?" I mouth at Luka who responds with a smile of oceanic calm. This could be a very long half hour. She makes to help me but I tell her we've got it thanks very much.
"Okay, fine, I'll be right back." As the door closes behind her Luka sighs. "Don't say anything," he warns, "she'll be gone soon."
"She talked like a waitress."
"She'll be gone soon."
"Maybe I should tell her I used to do her job."
"She'll be – "
"Gone soon, I get it." He's kneeling, taking the shoes from my feet. He has lovely hair. "You have lovely hair." He shakes his head and laughs softly without looking up.
"You too." He stands up now, arms braced either side of me. "This is going to be hard enough without picking fights with the staff."
"I didn't."
"Just remember – "
"She'll be gone soon."
But here she is, blood pressure, temperature, urine sample, prodding, hand between my legs. He looks away instinctively. I feel I ought to tell him that privacy and dignity are going to be in pretty short supply around here soon so I love him for that gesture and all of a rush I'm reminded of when I asked for a gown when he and Susan examined Brian's handiwork and he turned his back. Was that really me?
"Four centimetres. Making our way through the foothills here." She hooks me up to the monitor and the room is filled with the insistent woosh woosh woosh of the baby's heartbeat. "Looking good, all systems go" and she actually gives me the thumbs up. I look at him and he looks back steadily and shakes his head almost imperceptibly.
"Well, thanks for bringing her up here doctor . . . "and she stoops to look at his ID ". . . . Kovac but we've got it from here."
"I'm staying."
"What?"
"My name is Kovac too," I point out with enough emphasis to show her how she mangled his name. She looks at the chart, chewing on her pen. Just swallow it already.
"So you're the father? "
"So far just the husband," he corrects her, "for the next few hours anyway."
"I see. So, you know the drill then."
"Me too" I say as she seems to have forgotten that I'm here.
"First baby."
"First one on this end of proceedings."
"I don't – "
"OB nurse, ER nurse, sometime med student." She looks a little shocked. "How about you? I don't recognise you from when I worked here."
"Agency."
"Ah." She notices my change of expression and steps aside, motioning Luka to take my hand. When the pain passes she chirrups "Okey dokey, boys and girls, we'll just keep an eye on how things are moving along for the next couple hours. Things can slow down sometimes after the – but you know all this. You have a birth plan?" I'm about to hand it over when a voice from the door calls "I'll take that!" and I could almost cry with relief when I recognise Veronica who's help deliver more babies than I've had Jack Daniels.
"Okay Maggie you can go, I've got it from here." Maggie doesn't look sorry to go. "You know Abby if this is a Mystery Customer thing they goofed, they should've sent you to Mercy. Those prosthetic ankles are a pretty crappy disguise, I recognised you right off. You brought your own doctor I see" Veronica continues with a wink.
"I almost never leave home without him."
"I don't blame you," she says under her breath as she bends over me to check my pulse, "I wouldn't let him out of my sight for long either," and then, to him, "You might want to lose the lab coat, dad, it'll confuse the staff."
"Sure." Meekly he removes it.
"You had breakfast?"
"No."
"You should go and get some before things warm up in here. I don't want you fainting on us. Coburn takes no prisoners, she'll just step right over your useless carcass."
"I'm fine."
She looks at me and says so that only I can hear "I'll say" and then continues for his benefit "Well how about we go through this piece of fantasy and wish fulfilment first then." She's holding my birth plan up between thumb and forefinger. Luka nods and sits in the chair at my bedside.
"So, no Fentanyl or narcotics of any kind."
"Under any circumstances." I tell her.
"Can I ask why?"
"I want my wits about me."
"Oh, good answer. Seen too many spaced out moms, huh? Still the spaced out baby can make sure you get some rest that first night. OK. Next - no epidural."
"For preference, but . . . " Luka says, glancing at me.
"OK."
"You're not going to try and talk me out of that?"
"You won't need me to talk you out of it. If you can't stand it any longer you'll know better than anyone." She holds her hand out to Luka. "C'mon, give."
"Give what?"
"The whale song tapes."
"No whale song."
"Vivaldi, Gregorian Chant, Ambient Chillout?"
"Nope."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Jesus, you're really going back to basics here, aren't you? Maybe I should boil some water and get clean towels, find you a bullet to bite on. Will you be wanting to take the placenta home so you can bury it someplace by the light of the full moon?"
"You know I think we'll pass on that one."
"Good decision. The music's a mixed blessing. We had Celine Dion all night last night."
"Kelly?"
"What?"
"The mother's name."
"Yeah, I think. Kind of an idiot. Screamed her fool head off all the way through even after the epidural."
"What did she have?"
"A boy. Leonardo."
"Very cultured" I say, surprised.
"More DiCaprio than Da Vinci. She has a Titanic fixation bigger than the goddamned iceberg." She chatters on for a few minutes, I reassure her that I have my surrender word and that if Luka has to leave I'll make sure she knows it.
"You're on?" she asks, surprised.
"No. I'll be here."
I'm actually thankful that a contraction interrupts things at this point and disappointed that it feels weaker than the others.
"We'll keep an eye on things for a while but if we have to give things a little kick in the ass . . . "
"Last resort" I say.
"You got it. Look, Luka, I was serious about the breakfast, go and eat, take a shower, you'll feel better. You just worked a shift, right, and it's hotter than hell in here, so even if you don't feel better for the shower we will. Go while you have chance." He doesn't argue with her but looks at me and I smile my approval. As the door closes behind him she turns to me. "Well, just look at you. We heard you got yourself hitched to a doctor."
"If you can't be one marry one" I crack.
"Not a bad choice either."
"I've made worse decisions."
"I'll bet. This his first baby too?"
"No. He had, er, he had a couple of kids before, back in Croatia."
"They with their mom?"
"Kind of."
"Kind of?"
"They're buried together."
"Jesus."
"It's OK. Just . . . keep an eye on him. I might be kinda busy here."
"Sure, not a problem. Keeping my eyes on him I mean, not a problem at all. How about keeping my hands on him too?"
"You know that's kind of low."
"What?"
"Hitting on the husband of a woman in labour."
"Nah, low is when they hit back!!"
7.50 am
"You feel better?"
"I felt fine before."
"But you ate?"
"Sure."
"Liar."
"I got coffee."
"On an empty stomach and no sleep. Keep working on that ulcer."
"What? That's not real coffee."
"I don't think your duodenum is going to make the distinction."
"I don't remember covering this in med school."
"What?"
"Early stages of labour characterised by nagging."
"I am immune to criticism. I am embarking on a life changing, character building rite of passage connecting me to millions of women down through the ages since the dawn of time."
"I thought I told you not to read Kitzinger." He glances at the monitor. "Feel that?"
"Oh yeah." These pains are starting to bite.
"OK?"
"OK."
"What's that, ten minutes?"
"This time. They're not so regular, I think maybe they're slowing down."
"Not for long."
"I don't want speeding up. I've seen it, I don't want it."
"Don't worry, I've got your back."
"Promise? I mean I know you doctors, you'll want to be home in time for dinner, right?"
"No-one to cook it."
"Take out."
He shrugs. "I'll order pizza. Pepperoni good with you?"
"Sure. With anchovies. "
10.20 am
"Trench warfare."
"What?"
"It's like trench warfare. One of the British war poets wrote something about how it was days and days of tedium and boredom broken up by episodes of extreme terror and pain. I didn't realise how boring this is. I mean I always had other things to do before."
He runs through the options: TV, radio, are there any calls I want to make? No, no and no. "So, maybe we can fit in a game of Scrabble between contractions, huh?"
"Shut up, Luka."
11.10 am
"Six centimetres. Slowing down a little."
"I don't want – "
"I know, don't worry, no need to panic yet."
"I promised my mom we'd call, let her know how things are going. Do it for me?"
"Sure."
He reaches for the phone. "Outside. If she hears the monitor or I start up again she'll want to speak to me. I can't do that."
"What do you want me to tell her?"
"Just tell her I'm doing fine, all going according to plan."
"I'll send Veronica in."
While he's gone Veronica checks me over again, I tell her I'm bored, she tells me to make the most of bored because soon bored is going to be looking pretty damned good. The door opens and there's Carter.
"Hey."
"Word gets around."
"Where's Luka?" I don't like the edge in his voice.
"He's calling my mom."
"Huh. I'm covering the end of his shift, I'd be a little pissed if he was home sleeping." He perches on the edge of the bed. "So, we having fun?"
"It's a lot of laughs. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner."
Veronica giggles. "I'll be back." When she's gone Carter says "So how's it going really?"
"He's fine."
There's a pause which lasts a split second too long. "I meant you."
"I already told you, I'm good. Oh crap."
Carter reaches for my hand but I snatch it away. "Trust me, I'm a doctor." He grabs my hand and holds on while I breath through it. "You're a natural." he says, putting my hand very deliberately back down on the bed as Luka gets back. He stops for a second, seeing what he sees. "Did I miss anything?"
"Olympic class Lamaze performance going on in here" Carter says getting up. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his lab coat and rocks on his heels a little.
"Thanks for covering my shift." This is without doubt Luka for "Get the fuck out of here, Carter" but Carter isn't fluent in Kovac and grins back.
"You owe me."
"Sure."
"Well, I, er, I just wanted to see how things were going with the earth mother. I'll be watching for the white smoke and then we can send up some of our own." He stands for a second longer and then Luka opens the door for him.
"Give 'em your best in the ER?"
"Sure. I'd send postcards but, you know . . . "
"Yeah." Still he hovers.
"'Bye, Carter. Thanks for the cover again." Luka's voice is tight, his arm is at Carter's back and he more or less pushes him out of the place. Luka gives it a second before saying "He OK?"
"I guess. I can't say I'm real concerned with him right now." He nods. "What did he mean about the smoke?"
"Cigars. He gave them to me months ago. Probably cost more than the GDP of a small African country."
"What do you have there?"
"I got you these."
Cheap gossip magazines. "You? Are perfection."
"I aim to please."
"You aim pretty well."
12.20 pm
"She lost 60 pounds? In three weeks?"
"It's what it says here."
"It's a lie."
"I don't know. I'm planning on losing about 25 pounds in the next twelve hours."
"So, only another two days of the same and you'll have broken her record."
"You think these things pay well for stories?"
"What, are you thinking of the college fund?"
"I'm thinking of your mother's piano."
"I'm pretty sure they don't pay that well. Nobody pays that well."
1.15 pm
"Can I take a walk?"
"Sure." Veronica helps me up and unhooks the monitor. The peace which follows is blissful. We walk down the hall, Veronica following me and Luka who holds on to me when the contraction comes, the top of my head pushed against him. When I look up at him he looks anxious. "You OK?"
"I'm fine. Is this helping? The walking?" I consider for a moment.
"No. You know this is not as easy as I'm making it look."
"You want to go back to bed?"
"Could you just go in there and slap some paint on the wall first?"
"I'm sorry?"
"That colour is driving me crazy."
Chuny and Haleh. Susan. Jing Mei. Elizabeth. Kerry. Frank for God's sake, even Frank – they all call, a stream of messages from the desk clerk.
"Should have sold tickets" Luka says under his breath.
Right about three in the afternoon things start to speed up. The room is getting on my very last nerve, all pinks and apricots and why did I never notice how crappy the pictures on the walls in here are before? I beg Veronica to turn off the sound on the monitor because it's like torture. More torture.
"My feet are cold."
"Did you bring socks?" Veronica asks.
"In the bag."
Before she can get them he's moved to the bottom of the bed and is chafing my feet between his hands to warm them. It's a whole lot better than socks.
"Nice paint job on the nails" he says with a smile.
"Yeah, well, I know this guy."
"He's good."
"He's cheap. Cute too."
"Cheap and cute?" Veronica asks. "Is he gay? He must be gay if he works in a salon."
"No stereotype left unturned," Luka murmurs.
"Ah, no, he's not gay. But he's very exclusive."
"You're not leaving here without giving me his number."
I look him in the eye. "Sure."
3.15 pm
"You hungry?"
"A little. More tired than hungry."
"Go get something to eat."
"There are what, three minutes between contractions now? How fast do you think I can move? Or eat?"
"Veronica will stay with me. I'll be fine."
"I know."
He stays put.
3.45 pm
"This is a nightmare."
"I know."
"You don't know, you have no idea. Jesus fucking Christ. I can't do this any more, I want to go home."
"You can't do that, not this time, this you have to see through."
"I can't."
"Abby, open your eyes, look at me."
"Please, Luka, let me go home, I don't know what I'm doing here."
"Come on, look at me. Sixty seconds, that's all, keep looking, keep your eyes open, don't hold your breath, thirty seconds, nearly done, stay with me, breathe, 10, 9, 8 . . . good, that's good . . . "It passes, I want to cry. He pushes my hair back, kisses my forehead.
"Luka."
"What?"
"Next time I say I want to do this the natural way?"
"Yes?"
"Ignore me."
He nods; "Next time."
"What time is it?"
"After four, dark already. I think it's trying to snow." He's quiet, stroking my hand. Veronica has been sitting quietly in the corner, waiting, but even she has to pee so we're alone for the moment. These moments are getting shorter and shorter, tiny little patches of blue sky in the relentless fucking downpour of pain and struggle, a gap of one, maybe two minutes and fuck, almost worse than the pain because I'm just waiting for the next one to hit.
Trench warfare. Right.
You think life's a bitch? Let me tell you it has nothing on this. I should have thought about it when I got to about 24 weeks because the truth is there comes a point when you have to go through with it, where there's no backing out, he's right, and it's the only thing in my whole life I couldn't change my mind about. Career, marriage, men, drink – I could wriggle out of all of them but there's no escape from this and I see now that there hasn't been for months. I guess that's when your mind finally goes, when you start putting pans away in the refrigerator and cheese in the dishwasher and forgetting people's names. Mother nature's way of distracting your attention so you go through with it. She's a nasty, sneaky old bitch, Mother Nature. He looks at me and smiles, and the wave of panic I can feel building ebbs a little. If I'm trapped he's trapped right here with me because I know nothing, nothing in the world would make him leave.
"OK?"
"Apart from the indescribable agony?"
"Apart from that."
"I guess." It is a guess - I think I've kind of lost any sense of perspective here. "You?"
"Don't worry about me."
"I do."
"Don't, I'm fine."
"I'm so tired."
"I know." He looks at me nervously, strokes my hair. "Any sign of my dad? I mean, time's running out if he's going to show up."
"I think he's going to stand me up."
"Typical."
"Luka."
"Already?"
This one is a real bitch and then I barely have time to recover before he's telling me again to breathe, to keep my eyes on him, to breathe, to breathe and go ahead and yell if I want to.
"Pressure . . . " I grunt.
"What?"
"Pressure you idiot!"
"I'll get Veronica."
"Don't go!" He hits the call button and as he's standing at the head of the bed I grab him around the waist and hold on as the pain starts up again.
"Abby . . . Abby, I can't breath, you have to let go." I hang on but then I feel hands uncurling my arms and Veronica is telling me to let go and open my eyes, counting me down. As the contraction ends she examines me again and tells me she's going for Coburn and not to go anywhere. Funny.
"Christ let this be over soon. I don't know what I'm doing any more. Can't you make it stop?"
"No, I can't, this is you now. It will be finished soon, you're nearly there."
"Fucking doctors." Hah, it was actually fucking doctors well, fucking this doctor, that got me here. I'm so tired. " Whose stupid idea was it to do this anyway? I hate this."
"I know. You want to sit up a little more?"
"No."
"OK, come on then." He pulls me upright. The room suddenly seems very full as Veronica returns with Coburn who has a student in tow and would I mind if he observed? Right now I don't care if the Chicago Symphony Orchestra wants to observe as long as I can hold on to Luka and get this over and done with.
"Ten centimetres, ready when you are." There's something hugely reassuring about the sound of Janet Coburn's voice. It crosses my mind that if I could choose I'd like a Janet Coburn for a mom.
Luka bends close and says "So . . . about that blow job . . ." Three pairs of eyes snap upwards towards us, eyebrows synchronised in shock. Luka grins and I actually giggle. "Don't make me laugh, you bastard."
"Er . . . Okay, Abby, next contraction I want you to put your chin down, take a deep breath – "
"It's OK, I know what to do, my husband's a doctor." And I manage a smile for him.
And I've never wanted to just look at him so badly before. In that moment I'm afraid of this baby, afraid of what it will do to us, afraid that someone else will get those looks he gives just to me, that he's giving me now, in these last moments when it's just me and him.
He's afraid too, I can see it. A father, he'll be a father and it's not the same thing as being my lover or my husband and me being a mother isn't the same as me being his wife and right there I know it's the same fear that would be there if he'd never done this before, if this was the first time.
The first time.
Jesus, this is the first time for us, me and him, and I want to tell him that I see it now, that I know he was right when he said it would just be us here but the pain steals my voice. Suddenly he smiles, a smile of such brilliance that I want to laugh but I feel the tears come to my eyes instead because I think he saw the understanding in my eyes, I think he saw that; then the smile's gone from his face but it's like it's still there in the air between us. Veronica breaks the moment telling me to pull my thighs up toward me; Luka braces himself against one foot, she against the other and they hold a hand each and she says "You go, girl, show 'em how it's done." I want to laugh. Oh, God, of all the ridiculous, desperate things to be doing. Yeah, this is life changing alright.
Coburn is telling us we have a girl, he says no, he doesn't want to cut the cord and she's heavy as she lies on me before they take her to check her over. He glances over as they work, draws in his breath sharply as she cries and then turns back to me, kissing my face and telling me that he's pretty sure her ears are tiny and pink not long and furry so there go dreams as prophecy then. Veronica says she's the Spinal Tap of babies with an APGAR of 12 and the student giggles but Coburn obviously doesn't understand .They weigh her and tag her and wrap her and bring her back to me, her head still smeared and a little bloody. She fights her arms free of the blanket and pulls them up to her face and I take in that she has long fingers and a shock of black hair and she goes straight back to sleep. He holds her while I'm cleaned up and then they leave us alone, the three of us.
"So how did I do?" My voice is hoarse from straining.
"What do you think?" His accent is thick with emotion.
"Not bad for a beginner I guess."
He nods, looks at me intently like he's trying to commit me to memory. "And how are you doing now?"
"I don't know, I never did this before. I think I'm doing okay. I'm glad it's over." Except of course it's not, it's just started, God help me, but he keeps that to himself.
"You did great. I'm so proud of you."
"I'm tired." Truth is I can't remember my name and I don't know what day or year it is or who the president might be and I'm pretty lucky they don't do spot psych consults in here.
"Why don't you get some sleep while you can?" he says. He has to call Maggie and Ivica and Tatijana and go down to the ER with the news. Obviously exhausted too and in need of a shave, his face is scratchy against mine when he leans in to kiss me. I grab hold of him then, just wanting to be close. He laughs softly. "You did it."
"We did it."
"Yeah. We did it."
"Don't go yet."
"No. "And he holds me then as the snow falls outside with the lights turned down low in the room.
I've been asleep, that much is obvious. For a moment or two I wonder where I am. I feel like someone has smashed me between the legs with a baseball bat and then I remember. I did it.
He doesn't know I'm watching him. He has her balanced on his forearms and he's just staring at her, staring, staring, staring. He seems very still and he's not saying anything but every line of his face and body is speaking out loud, and they're speaking of happiness. And then, without taking his eyes from her he says "Hey, mom." How did he know I was awake?
"Hey." Now he looks at me. And he smiles.
"You've really gone and done it this time."
"I guess. She sleeping?"
"Yeah. She's had a busy day, she's as tired as you are."
"I really don't think so."
He gets up, very sure, very relaxed, more certain, more complete than I've ever seen him, a whole new Luka, everything he should be, and he perches on the edge of the bed, Rosa's head resting in his hand. My daughter. Jesus.
"She's . . . lovely" he says softly, his voice a smile. The smell of Carter's cigars is clinging faintly to him and it's an odd masculine thing in this low lit softly coloured place.
"Look at all that hair. She's a Kovac."
"Rosa, this is your mother. She is without doubt the bravest woman you will ever meet in your life."
"You should listen to your father because he's absolutely right. Except when he's wrong. Will I love her?"
"What?"
"I don't – not now."
"You don't know her."
"You look like you love her."
"You'll love her. Pretty hard to love the truck that just ran you over, huh?"
"I guess."
"Don't worry about it, OK?"
"But – "
"OK?" he repeats, more forcefully.
"OK", I say back because even if I had the energy there's no arguing with him. "You call everyone?"
"I called everyone. Maggie cried, Tatijana cried and my father pretended he wasn't crying but he was. I think maybe Zagreb had better watch out tonight. I promised you'd call them yourself when you feel up to it."
"Round about this little thing's fifth birthday I guess." Rosa starts to stir. "God, I have to feed her, don't I?"
"If you want her to make her fifth birthday, yes." I feel a little cold right there because I'm thinking of Marko who never made his fifth birthday but he's smiling.
"I could use some help."
"I'll get Veronica." But as he makes to stand up I hold onto him. There's something I want to say but I don't even know what it is.
"Luka – "
And then he kisses me, not the chaste, tender kiss of childbed mythology but a fierce, bruising thing between a man and a woman over our baby, right over her, and I guess he gets what it is I want to say. "I know," he says against my mouth, "I know."
You ever do that, look back and you can see those moments when things change, or when they don't, or when you can think "Yeah, that was good"? I never used to, never had the knack of letting myself just sink into the moment, not worrying about where it came from or what came next. I can look back and see where stuff changed, where things changed shape or direction. But the good stuff I kind of missed, waiting for the next thing to jump out at me.
Now? Now I can sink into this moment and that long list of things I knew were never going to lead anywhere good is filed away for reference only. Because things have changed for ever. I can sink into this moment and yes, I know all about the shit that's waiting for me, for us, and I can say "Bring it on" because things have changed for ever and I've changed them, me, and whether stuff is good or bad it's mine, mine and his and hers, this stuff that's changed for ever.
This is living, see?