Chapter 31

The visit with Dr. Lessin went as the others had. He examined Jay but didn't know of anything that would help him. He suggested they go home and enjoy their time with him, something Sarah was convinced was the right thing. Jarrod agreed to return home, but he wanted to stop off in San Francisco first to make appointments with the other doctors on Dr. Allen's list. None could get them in for a few weeks, so Jarrod, Sarah, and Jay made their way back to the Barkley Ranch.

They were met at the station by the family. Nick hugged Sarah as she stepped down off the train. He took a look at his nephew, noticing his color wasn't good. Not like the healthy pink of Jonathon. Emma came forward to hug Sarah also. Sarah was amazed at how happy Emma appeared. She was glad that things were working out for the couple and that they weren't letting the actions of David ruin their lives.

Sarah handed Jay to Jarrod who had just stepped down from the train. She went over to Victoria who was holding a sleepy Tori. Tori smiled at her mama and held her hands out to her. Sarah held her daughter close, blinking back the tears that threatened to fall.

Heath and Cassie stood off to the side, acutely aware of the healthy child they held in their arms. They in no way wished to hurt Jarrod and Sarah, yet they were proud of the son they had been given. Sarah turned to them, a smile on her face.

"Let me get a peek at my new nephew."

Cassie moved the blanket a bit and Sarah looked into the face of the sweet baby. He looked so much like his father. His eyes were open, and Sarah could see sapphire blue eyes as they stared back at her. Sarah swallowed, noticing Jonathon's healthy face. She wouldn't cry in front of Heath and Cassie. This was a joyous time. They were home and with family.

Jarrod had come over to greet his mother. He nodded to Heath and Cassie but couldn't bring himself to look at their new baby just yet. He was happy for his brother, certainly. Heath smiled at Jarrod, not at all offended by his brother's actions. He wouldn't know what to do if Jonathon were ill.

They all arrived home and enjoyed a meal together that evening. Heath and Cassie did not stay long, but Cassie promised to come back the next day to visit with Sarah.

Jarrod had explained to them all how the doctors were no help in Sacramento, but they had a few to check out in San Francisco that looked promising. That seemed encouraging to them all, until they noticed Sarah's expression. Although she tried to hide it, the truth of what was really happening was written all over her face.

As they turned in, Nick noticed Emma's quiet demeanor. She had dressed for the night and sat up against the headboard, caressing her stomach. The baby moved a lot now and he or she seemed quite active this time of night. Nick came to sit beside her and laid his hand on her stomach. The baby kicked and Nick smiled. Emma watched his face, not for the first time wondering what she had done to deserve a man like him. He loved to feel the baby move and every night he would spend time talking to the baby. He was an amazing man, her husband. A wonderful, amazing man.

It seemed they had just arrived home when it was time to leave again. Victoria asked to keep Tori, since Jarrod and Sarah would need to concentrate on Jay. Sarah was reluctant and thankful at the same time. Reluctant to leave her small daughter for who knew how long while they visited doctors in what Sarah knew was a fruitless effort. And thankful that Tori would at least have more than just her basic needs met while they were gone. Victoria, Nick, and Emma doted on Tori, and Sarah felt that at this time, the child needed the attention.

Jay was almost three months old now and when he should have been doing things such as smiling and cooing, he just lay there. He slept more than he was awake and although he did eat more now, he was still very underweight. Jarrod bought more medical books and poured over them. He had cleared his schedule completely in order to concentrate on his son.

There wasn't much conversation that passed between one another unless it was about Jay and even then, it wasn't much. Jarrod and Sarah had always enjoyed a close relationship, able to talk about anything, but it seemed now they were strangers. Sarah hated it but didn't know what to do to change things.

By the time April rolled around, they had been to specialist after specialist, each telling them the same thing. Their baby would not live to see his first birthday. One morning, Sarah, who had gone out for a walk, found herself at Dr. Allen's office. She entered in, not really knowing if he would even remember her. Sarah told the receptionist her name and asked if the doctor would be available for a few moments. She explained that their son had been a patient of his a few months back. The receptionist went into the back room and reappeared a few minutes later. Sarah was escorted to the doctor's office. Dr. Allen rose when she came in and motioned for her to take a seat. They spoke small talk for a few minutes. Then Sarah asked him the question that had been on her heart. The one she knew she couldn't ask in front of Jarrod.

"Dr. Allen, when it's time for Jay to..." she faltered for a moment, her voice quivering, unable to say the word. She took a deep breath, then continued. "When it's time for Jay to die, will he be in pain?"

The doctor considered his words before he spoke. "In the cases I've seen like Jay's, there's been no indication that the child was in pain. He'll simply fall asleep and not wake up. His heart should just stop."

Sarah nodded. "Jay is almost three months old now. He sleeps almost all the time. It's going to happen soon, isn't it?"

"Yes, Mrs. Barkley. It will be soon."

Sarah thanked the doctor for his time and for his honesty. She shook his hand and left his office, walking back to the townhouse at a brisk pace. Sarah was ready to go home. She missed Tori. She missed the rest of the family and wanted to take Jay back to the ranch and spend their last few precious days with him at home surrounded by the love of those who lived there.

Jarrod seemed more determined than ever to continue. The correspondence seemed endless. Telegrams and letters flew back and forth. He would get a lead about some new research and write to the doctor asking a myriad of questions and explaining Jay's case. It was almost an obsession for him.

Sarah watched with sadness as her young child grew weaker. He slept most of the time and was only awake for a few hours each day. She would rock him, sing to him, and tell him all about his big sister who was waiting for him at home. She told him about the rolling hills on the ranch and his grandmother, uncles and aunts who loved him. Sarah even told Jay that his Papa loved him very much, which was why he was so busy.

Although Jarrod was pursuing a miracle cure for his son, he didn't seem to have time for him or for Sarah. Sarah was at her end and didn't know what to do. Finally, at the end of April, Sarah made the decision to just go home. Jarrod was in his study, pouring over more medical journals when she tapped on the door.

"Come in," he said tiredly, rubbing his face. Sarah entered and couldn't remember the last time she had seen her husband's handsome smile. The dark circles under his eyes showed her how much he needed rest.

"Jarrod, I need to talk to you."

Jarrod sighed and put down the pen he had been using to take notes. He rubbed his weary eyes and sat back in his chair. Sarah was encouraged that he was at least allowing her to speak to him. Lately, he had been harsh with her whenever they spoke to one another. She pushed away the memory of the conversation that had passed between them the night before where Jarrod had all but accused her of doing something while she had carried Jay that caused his illness. His words had hurt her deeply, not just because he had said them but because she had also wondered herself if she had done something wrong. Her professional training as a nurse told her that wasn't the case but the hurt and blame were there none the less.

"I think it's time Jay and I returned home. I want to see Tori and I know your family is eager to see us as well."

Jarrod didn't say anything. He just sat there, staring at the top of his desk. Sarah waited for him to say something, anything. But he wouldn't even look at her.

"We'll be leaving on the morning train. Will you come with us? I know Tori is eager to see her Papa again."

Sarah had hoped that by referring to Jarrod as "Papa" would put some spark in his eyes. But Jarrod just shook his head.

"I'm going to stay here and continue to work with the doctors. There's a new surgery that might work on Jay if we can get him in to see this Doctor..."

Jarrod paused to look for the name. Sarah had had enough.

"No, Jarrod. No more doctors. Jay has been poked and prodded enough! I want him home. I want to go to our home and spend our last days with him there. Come with me Jarrod. Please!" she pleaded.

Jarrod became angry. He stood and slammed his fist on the desk. Sarah jumped, and was shocked. She had never seen Jarrod display his anger in such a way. His cold blue eyes looked at her with fury.

"I can't give up! I refuse to! Jay can be helped. We just haven't looked hard enough! I won't give up, I WON'T! I REFUSE TO GIVE UP ON MY SON!" he yelled.

Sarah's anger matched her husband's. She walked up to him and took him by the arm. She dragged him upstairs to their son's crib and Sarah tried to make Jarrod watch their sleeping son.

"Look at him Jarrod! Look at him! He's going to die, and you must face it! No doctor can help him now. We've exhausted everything. I can't stand the thought of Jay being put through any more tests."

Jarrod refused to look at his son. He closed his eyes tightly, not wanting to see his son's labored breathing or his pale skin. He wanted to see his son's smiling face, hear his laugh, one day hear him say, "Papa!" in a happy, gleeful way as Tori did. It wasn't fair! his mind screamed.

Jarrod tore his arm away from Sarah and stalked out of the room. She heard the door to the study slam shut. Sarah went to her room and sank down on the bed. She wept until she felt she would be sick. She managed to calm herself down after a while and began packing. She was leaving the next day no matter what.

Jarrod watched from his study as Sarah and Jay left in the carriage that had been summoned to their house. Sarah didn't seek him out and ask him to go with her as she had the night before. She seemed almost resigned as she climbed into the waiting carriage. Jarrod turned back to his desk and stared at the endless mounds of paper that covered it. The medical books, the medical papers all staring back at him, mocking him. The anger in him grew to a violent rage and with one sweeping motion, Jarrod pushed everything from his desk and roared. He sank down onto the floor, heart wrenching sobs coming from his body. He stayed in the study screaming and weeping for over an hour. He finally rose from the floor and walked up to the bedroom. He fell into an exhausted sleep that lasted until late in the day.