Chapter 33

It was early in the morning when Sarah woke and realized something wasn't right. It was too quiet in her room. She rose and looked at her son, whose still form was lying in his crib. His labored breathing had stopped. Sarah ran to the basin and vomited until there was nothing left in her stomach and then dry heaved until she thought she would pass out. She wet a washcloth and wiped her face. She then walked out into the hall just as Nick was coming from his room. One look at her told him what was wrong.

"Sarah, no," was all he said.

"Nick, please take Tori to Heath's and Cassie's. Please don't bring her back until this afternoon. I don't want her to witness what's about to happen. Jarrod doesn't know yet."

Nick nodded and went back into his own room to get Emma. She rose and began to dress telling him she would help Sarah. Nick then went to Tori's room. He gathered his still sleeping niece up in his arms, blankets and all and walked quickly from the house. He went through the kitchen, where his mother was helping Silas with breakfast. Nick tersely told her what he was doing then he went out to the barn. He waited while one of the hands readied a buggy and then left for Heath's.

Sarah knocked on Jarrod's door. He answered it immediately, still dressed in his clothes from the night before. He obviously had not slept at all. His face paled and Sarah knew she didn't need to tell him anything. He knew. He pushed passed her.

Jarrod ran to his son's crib and let out the most heart wrenching cry. Sarah wanted to go to him, to hold him and beg him to hold her, but she was rooted to her spot. Victoria hurried up the stairs. She took her daughter-in-law in her arms and both women began to weep. Emma came up on them and took Sarah from Victoria. She led her sister-in-law to hers and Nick's room and held her as they sat on the bed, both sobbing.

Victoria walked into the bedroom Sarah and Jay had been sharing and watched as Jarrod cradled his son in his arms, sobbing, begging him not to be gone. He couldn't handle this. He wasn't ready yet. He was so angry that he believed he could kill someone with his bare hands, but then looked again at his son, who was finally resting peacefully. Victoria came to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. The lifeless body of her grandson brought more tears to her eyes and she wept openly with Jarrod.

Victoria had been told about the small coffin Heath had made and had instructed him to put it in his old room, out of sight. When Jarrod finally placed his son back in his crib, Victoria said she would take care of everything. Jarrod thanked her, then went back to his room. He threw himself onto his bed and wept bitterly.

The funeral was held the next day. Only the immediate family, minus Audra and Malcolm who were unable to get away on such short notice, were there.

The preacher was called upon to say a few words, but none could recall what exactly he said. Nick and Emma flanked Sarah on either side. Jarrod knew he should be the one trying to support his wife, but he was so overcome with grief that he stood apart from the others. Finally, they made their way back to the house, wondering what the next few days would hold. Tori and Jonathon had been left in Silas' care and were both sleeping when the adults returned. Heath and Cassie did not stay long after Jonathon woke. Neither said anything to each other, but knew it was probably painful for the family to see him since he and Jay were so close in age.

Victoria had volunteered to put Tori to bed and Sarah thanked her. She told Victoria that she would take over with Tori the next day but was just so tired she wanted to go to bed early. Victoria didn't mind the responsibility and watched as Sarah walked up the stairs. Her heart was saddened when she realized Sarah retired to the room she and Jay had shared. Jarrod had noticed too and thought about asking her to come back to their room but couldn't bring himself to say the words. In a way, it was easier for her not to be there and he knew she probably needed some time alone. However, if Jarrod had asked Sarah to stay in their room, she would have. She needed her husband but was feeling so bruised emotionally that she couldn't think straight.

The weeks following Jay's funeral seemed to drag by. Anyone riding out early in the morning would see a lone figure sitting next to the freshly dug grave. Jarrod would rise early and spend hours sitting next to his son's final resting place. He would then return to the house and clean up. He spent a good deal of time at his office, though he let it be known he would not be accepting any new cases anytime soon. Hours would pass with Jarrod sitting at his desk.

Sarah would wait until Tori was down for her nap to go and visit the small grave. She knew her son was no longer there, that his spirit was in Heaven now, no longer suffering. She took comfort in that and slowly her heart began to heal. She still cried herself to sleep at night but took consolation in the fact that she still had Tori. Sweet Tori who's smile could brighten even the darkest of days.

Jarrod and Sarah still did not speak to one another, except for an occasional comment here or there. Jarrod would spend time with Tori, delighting in her happy personality and Sarah would watch, thankful that he was making time for her.

At the end of May, Sarah knew she needed to approach her husband. They were at an impasse and needed to make some decisions. Their house that had been completed year the year before, stood empty. Sarah decided it might be best for her and Tori to move into it. Jarrod would of course be welcomed, but somehow, she knew he wouldn't go. She found him in the study, a book opened before him, though she knew he was not reading it.

"Jarrod, may I speak with you?"

Jarrod looked up to see his wife standing before him. His look softened for a moment and he nodded.

"Nick and Emma will be needing the nursery soon and I've been thinking that maybe Tori and I would go ahead and move into the new house. It's been sitting vacant for too long and the time just seems right."

Jarrod wasn't sure what to say to this. That house had been built for their family. It was supposed to be a place of comfort and happiness. Now Jarrod couldn't imagine leaving the big ranch house because that was where Jay had been.

"You would of course be welcomed to come with us," Sarah said, watching his face. She wished he would say something to her, but he sat there, staring at nothing. "Maybe we just need some time apart though. To heal."

"When are you planning the move?" Jarrod asked. Sarah swallowed and said, "By the end of the week."

"I don't think I can leave here right now," he said softly, and Sarah could see the pain in his eyes.

"I understand, Jarrod." Sarah stood and walked toward the door. She paused but didn't turn as she said, "You're welcomed there anytime, Jarrod. I know Tori will want to see you."

Jarrod didn't reply, but his heart wondered if Sarah would want to see him as well. He sighed heavily and wondered why he didn't just go to her now and take her in his arms. He wanted his wife so badly, yet there was a wall that was just too high for him to scale. When was that wall erected? He couldn't remember. Maybe he just needed a little more time.