ALTERNATIVE ENDING
Sunlight, warm and inviting, bathes him in its rays. He can feel it caressing the exposed areas of his skin, reminiscent of softer caresses he experienced the night before. It feels wonderful--soothing--but not nearly as welcome as those other touches had been.
Gojyo blinks, annoyed with the sunlight pouring in through the window, even as he is praising its glory. His eyes are heavy, his body aching, and when he rolls over to curl in closer to his companion for a few more minutes of blissful sleep, he is suddenly reminded of exactly whom he had been sharing the bed with.
His hand falls to rest on a smooth, hard, flat chest. His legs are curled tightly with another's, which are definitely well muscled and definitely NOT clean-shaven. And most noticeably of all, his nose is very clearly picking up on a less familiar scent. The scent of the acts he carried out the night before, lingering still in the somewhat stuffy room, are not at all dulled by the sweet scent of a woman because a woman had not been present. Gojyo raises his head, looking down at the sweet, still sleeping face of the person so close to him, he can feel the other man's even breath striking his skin.
Hakkai.
'Holy shit...' he thinks with a crooked smile.
The brunette's strong frame is deceptively frail looking with the covers just barely coming up to his hips. He is thin with smooth muscles perfectly toned in a way so understated, an amateur would consider him a very small threat, if any at all. That, of course, is far from the truth. Gojyo almost kicks himself for never having noticed how enticing his friend really is. The gentle curve of that pale neck, the man's thin waist, so like a woman's, and those features--breathtaking. Hakkai is a beauty, and Gojyo has always been a sucker for a pretty face. He just never expected his first lay on the road would be his best friend.
Fully aware that he is staring, Gojyo becomes lost in the still beauty of Hakkai's face, seeing it in an entirely new light now. Hakkai is no longer just his good friend, companion, and roommate. They breached a boundary Gojyo never imagined crossing with another man, yet alone with the stunning brunette. But Hakkai...is Hakkai. Hakkai isn't just anyone. Hakkai is kind and compassionate. Hakkai is mysterious and unexpected. Hakkai is graceful, and frightening, and wonderful, and haunted, and...and...Gojyo realizes suddenly he is so enraptured with Hakkai he has begun trailing his hand along the smooth skin of the man's chest.
Hakkai is so pale--not pale like Sanzo, but pale in comparison to the tan hand running over his skin. Gojyo would never be so cliché and maudlin as to call it 'alabaster' or 'porcelain', but he is sorely tempted.
Taking a naughty morning risk, Gojyo looks about the room as if searching for some sinister fly on the wall, smirks triumphantly at finding none, and begins to lean down, closing his crimson eyes as he lowers slightly parted lips to meet Hakkai's. His hand never once stops its gentle caresses, trailing from the other man's clavicle to just past his ribcage. In the moment of this stolen and mildly chaste kiss, Gojyo unthinkingly trails that hand lower, discovering the rubbery skin just above Hakkai's navel. The change in texture would have caught him off guard for at least a moment if the contact hadn't just then roused Hakkai from the edge of dreaming.
Emeralds flicker, at first confused with the strange weight leaning into his body and the wet pressure on his lips, but as a shock of red hair focuses in his line of vision, everything about last night jumps suddenly to the front of Hakkai's mind.
Thoughtlessly, his hands spring from his sides and shoot upwards with far more force than he intended, jerking Gojyo roughly up and away from him. "Don't touch me." the brunette gasps, breathless.
Gojyo feels his heart stop. Now would be a good time for him to be having hearing problems.
But Hakkai doesn't mean his words to sound as they do. He wants to apologize, to explain, to say something to remove the look of pained shock on the redhead's face, but he cannot bear to look at that face long enough to say anything constructive. He curls in on himself, turning onto his side away from Gojyo, eyes clenched tight. His breathing shakes his entire body--trembling--as he struggles not to cry. Don't cry. Not in front of Gojyo. Not like this.
"Kai..."
Oh no, please not that understanding tone, so questioning and hurting and asking so much more than can be given.
"Please don't...don't just turn away. Say something..."
He can't. He can't look. He can't answer. He wants to hide inside himself and bury last night deep within the farthest reaches of his memory.
"Shit...I didn't...hurt you last night, did I?" the redhead asks past the lump in his throat, voicing one of his worst fears with any partner. The last thing he is or ever will be is a man who would take someone against their will and leave them...broken.
"N-no...of course not. I...oh, Gojyo, I'm just...so...oh, gods, what did we do...?"
In the brief amount of time Gojyo had been awake before Hakkai, he imagined many little scenarios about Hakkai's reactions to everything. He imagined a bashful smile, a blush, maybe even a smirk considering the passion the man showed last night, but...but certainly not this forlorn and achingly obvious...regret.
Gojyo is sincerely contemplating jumping out the three-story window.
Hakkai gasps through painfully dry sobs. "I...I'm so sorry, Gojyo. I feel so...ashamed." Pulling the sheets still gathered at his hips as high up on his body and as tight as he can, Hakkai burrows into the mattress and pillow beneath him, keeping Gojyo safely at his back.
Though a part of Gojyo--deep, deep down--may have expected this, it is not the reaction he was hoping for. "Ashamed...?" he restates tenderly, not wanting to sound as hurt as he feels.
"My own sorrow...is no excuse." the brunette continues, his words coming out halted--quivering. "My own...needs...should never come before another's. What I allowed last night was...reprehensible. Please...please forgive me, Gojyo..."
Gojyo is thoroughly lost now. "Forgive you?"
"I should...never have asked such a thing of you."
"Asked...? Hakkai, you didn't even--"
"I know I asked without words." Hakkai breaks in, real tears still refusing to fall, perhaps due to the amount he shed the night before. "But...but I know...you were only giving me...what you thought I needed...as you always do..."
Gojyo is dumbstruck. What is he hearing? Does Hakkai actually think he slept with him as a favor?
Incapable of meeting the ruby eyes regarding him, Hakkai turns his head as if to look back, but only barely peers in his friend's direction. "Gojyo...are you...angry with me?"
This is too much. "Angry? Why would I be angry?" Gojyo speaks earnestly. "Hakkai...what do you think happened last night?"
Hakkai's breath catches in his throat. Gathering courage, he slowly turns to face Gojyo fully, both lying there propped up on their sides now, and his eyes meet crimson with something searching and timid they have never held before.
"Hakkai, what do you think happened?"
"We...you and I...we..."
"We had sex. You CAN say it, ya know."
Hakkai blushes, the sheet pulled up to just under his chin as he lies facing Gojyo.
"So we slept together." Gojyo states again. "Why?"
This question startles Hakkai equally as much as the first. "Because...you were trying to...help me...to...to..."
"To what? To make you feel better? To cheer you up?" Gojyo presses, his temper raising enough for his tone to turn sharp and add a little bite to his words. "I can't believe you actually think I would fuck you out of pity."
Hakkai flinches, eyes wide in confusion, slowly beginning to realize he has read this entire situation wrong, right from the start.
Recognizing his own harshness, Gojyo sighs, running an anxious and frustrated hand through his morning tangles. "If anything, I thought you'd be mad at me for using you last night, but you have to go and act all self-righteous about it."
"But...I'm the one who kept pushing for more. I was the one in the wrong, asking for something you were never under any obligation to give me."
"Obligation?" Gojyo responds disbelievingly, his voice and body tense, his eyes locked on the emeralds having such difficulty meeting his gaze. "Obligation is the quickest way to end a friendship, Hakkai, and that sure as hell isn't what I wanted last night to mean. We were both pushing for more--equally. We both wanted it. At least that's what I thought at the time. But I guess for you...it was just a way to drown your sorrows."
"Gojyo..."
"No, it doesn't matter." Gojyo continues, his eyes finally lowering to seek refuge in the crumpled sheets. "We'll just forget about it. We'll just...call it helping out a friend and leave it at that...like you want. It's not like it..." his voice catches, his face contorted in poorly veiled anguish. "...meant anything...right?"
Hakkai cannot believe the sound ofsorrowin Gojyo's voice. "You...you don't regret sharing your bed with me...?"
A slight pause--crimson eyes still cast down. "Does that surprise you?"
Hakkai swallows. "I guess...I don't understand. When I first woke up in your home...you said that was the first and only time you would allow a man into your bed."
"Yeah, and that man was you, Hakkai. You."
Hakkai stares, at an utter loss. What can he possibly say? He assumed Gojyo would be the one freaking out, that Gojyo would be the one begging for them to forget about what happened and continue on like normal. He figured he was the one at fault and that Gojyo would be...blaming him. He is used to having something to be sorry for.
"Listen, 'Kai." Gojyo speaks, allowing his voice to turngentle again. "I didn't sleep with you because you were vulnerable and an easy lay. And I sure as hell didn't do it because you coerced me. I slept with you because I wanted it, and I thought you wanted it, too. I thought...things were finally making sense between us."
"Gojyo..."
"I'm not just some whore who'll sleep with anything in sight. Maybe I have been, but...I'd never be that with you."
"I never said you were a whore. I've never thought that."
"I know. You're probably the only person in my life who never has."
Both pairs of jewel-toned eyes are locked on the other, anger forgotten, with only fear remaining, waiting to be chased away.
Gojyo discovers in the eyes regarding him not a sense of regret anymore but one of denied longing. The longing reminds him desperately of last night, and he knows for certain that Hakkai's reactions this morning rest solely in the shame of believed selfishness and lack of self-worth.
He can't possibly allow that.
Reaching out a long, tan arm, Gojyo grips the covers pulled up so high and tight around Hakkai and begins to pull them back down, never once turning his gaze away. He goes slowly, waiting for any signs of protest, but despite consistent increasing in Hakkai's shallow breaths, he is offered none. When he has pulled the sheets back down to their original place--low on Hakkai's hips--he moves a hand to lie flat against his friend's chest. Inching closer, he brings himself back to the position HE had been in upon waking, pressed against Hakkai's side.
"I think we need to start over..." the redhead whispers with a crooked, uncertain grin, leaning in close enough for their breath to mingle. "Good morning, Hakkai..."
Hakkai laughs softly, still trembling in uncertainty despite his lingering desire. "Good morning...Gojyo."
The grin widens as Gojyo's other hand reaches up to cup the side of Hakkai's face and the first begins to stroke gently along the skin of Hakkai's chest. "You know...in case you were wondering...I haven't been with a woman in a long time, and I've never been with a man. Not til last night. Something like that is pretty monumental, don't you think? Getting ME to take a man to bed."
The heat from Gojyo's body is seeping through the contact of their skin, warming up Hakkai just as significantly as his companion. He trembles. "I...suppose it is...rather monumental."
"And...since I woke you with a kiss, I obviously liked what I got last night, so much I needed another taste just to function."
A blush, deeply trailing from the bridge of Hakkai's nose all the way down to his hipbones, spreads instantly.
"I just want you to know..." Gojyo speaks on, so softly that calling it a whisper would make it sound deafening. His words purr, and the hand on Hakkai's chest moves lower, trailing down and getting to the dangerous edge of the sheet just as he finishes. "...when I touch you like this...never forget...that it's because I WANT to."
Hakkai arches up into Gojyo's touch as the kappa reaches under the sheet and curls his fingers around the prize hidden there. It surpasses all feelings from the night before because there are no more butterflies of uncertainty and no belief that come morning this will all amount to nothing. "Gojyo..." the brunette gasps, forcing his eyes to remain open as he looks into the heated, loaded gaze staring back at him, and desperately trying not to thrust his hips too urgently into the hanyou'shand. "...what...uh...does this...mean for us...?"
Leaning as closely into Hakkai as can be comfortable, Gojyo flicks his tongue out to teasingly lick at his friend's lips. "I guess it means...when we room together...we have more to do...than play cards."
Hakkai shudders deeply, his hips moving of their own accord as that hand slips away and is replaced with Gojyo's own moving, naked hips. "I'm...serious, Gojyo...I--oh gods--I...I need to know..."
Ending his teasing only because Hakkai is desperately trying to capture a true kiss, Gojyodives into Hakkai's mouth in time to a particularly perfect thrust. The kiss is slow, like it was last night, but filled with far more conscious passion. When they finally break, their hips still moving madly against one another's, Gojyo at last speaks in reply. "What this DOESN'T mean...is...a one-night stand...or...being...fuck buddies," he speaks between gasps for air and contented moans. "...it doesn't mean...just...helping a friend. It means..."
"It means..." Hakkai prompts further, trembling even more fiercely now.
"It means..." Gojyo whispers against damp, hungry lips. "...I love you."
As wrapped up in the moment as Hakkai had been, that admission stops him dead. Gojyo stops as well when he feels his companion's suddenly absent resistance, and furrows his brow in concern.
Please, oh please, let that not have been the wrong thing to say.
"You love me...? As in...being...IN love with me?"
Honesty is definitely the path to take right now, even if it scares Hakkai away. "Yes. I'm not just saying it and I don't just mean as a friend. I'm IN love with you. Have been for a lot longer than last night."
Hakkai doesn't even blink, just returns Gojyo's stare and says very calmly, "You know, Gojyo...when I love someone...it is forever."
"I gathered that."
"Forever is a long time."
"I'm aware."
"Are you...willing to give me forever?"
"Are you saying you love me back?"
"...Yes."
"Then you better believe I'm willing, coz what we did last night wasn't just sex, it was making love, and I've NEVER done that before."
The blood nearly drains from Hakkai's face. This isn't a dream or a friendship-shattering mistake. This is everything he hoped it would be but thought for certain he could never have.
The smile that stretches across his face is one brighter and more real than any Gojyo has seen on his friend in a long time. Overcoming fear, after all, is one of the greatest of human reliefs. Even if the person in question is no longer human.
"So...last night we made love right in this very bed, we have just confessed love for one another, and... it's still early." Hakkai recounts, his words sounding borderline playful. Moving his hips very slowly, he grinds them into Gojyo's, finally tapping back into the passionate lover he had been the night before.
Gojyo's crimson eyes nearly roll back into his head at the tender brutality of Hakkai's sudden movement. He can't help it--he laughs. "Ha! Damn, I love your sensual side, 'Kai. Why the hell did you wait so long to show it to me?"
An echoing laugh, and soft lips find the curves of a tan neck. "I suppose...I thought it might scare you...and...I was quite certain...you couldn't possibly return my feelings. I dare say I have never been so pleased...to be proven wrong."
"Hehe...I'll be sure and prove you wrong as often as you like. Several times this morning if you're up for it."
"I should think that is rather apparent..."
"Ah! Deffffff-finetely...apparent."
"Good."
"I just...have...uhh...one question, 'Kai."
"Mm?"
"Who gets to tell the monk and monkey...?"
owari
A/N: Well, I never really liked the second half to this fic, so when I posted it on adultfanfiction I rewrote the ending to be...this. Hope you like getting another option. Let me know which ending you prefer. Maybe the original was best all along, but I want to hear what you all think. Thanks for reading!
Crimson