Disclaimer: Not mine, just playing

a/n: Thank you to everyone for the wonderful reviews.

Chapter 5

I toss and turn all night, thinking about how I loved the sensation I had felt when she was kissing me. How could this be happening? Why me?

For years, I had chased boys. I had many boyfriends throughout high school, and up until I met Kat, I never gave any thought to the fact that maybe women were more for me.

Now that I thought of it, the pleasure I'd experienced with Kat was like no other I'd ever felt. Not that the sex wasn't good with guys, but it was just so much better with her.

I contemplate these things until it's nearly four in the morning. Even when I do finally drift off to sleep, I'm met with only dreams and visions of Kat, shadows of the past. I only get two hours of sleep before I wake up again, the dreams becoming too real.

The past, I tell myself, that's all it is. But how could I let go so easily, when the woman I had loved for even that short time couldn't? How is it that I still have feelings for her after all this time? After I've convinced myself I'm straight?

How could this be?

I arrive at work a few minutes early. I see Kat a few yards in front of me and slow myself down so as not to run into her on the way to my locker. When I finally decide that it's safe to go in, I find it difficult to not look at Kat, yet I can't make eye contact with her when her eyes make an attempt to meet mine.

At one point during the day, I space out and let my mind drift to the previous night. The feel of her soft lips on mine, the pleasure I felt as her tongue explored my mouth as mine did the same, the special something I'd felt during those few seconds our bodies melded.

Remembering how abruptly it ended, I feel tears welling up in my eyes. Regret fills me as I recall just how good I felt for those few moments. I run to the bathroom to calm myself down, and hope that Kat doesn't follow me. I take a few deep breaths and splash my face with cool water.

"Come on, Lilly!" I whisper quietly to my reflection. "You've got to get your act together."

I return to my desk, making an extra effort to look calm, but Scotty senses something is wrong.

"Hey, Lil," he says quietly, leaning over his desk, "everything okay?"

"Come here," I whisper back, beckoning him to come over to my side. I've got a plan to, once and for all, prove to both myself and Kat that I'm not a lesbian.

As Scotty walks towards my desk, I accidentally-on-purpose slide a file of my desk. The noise isn't loud at all, but it's enough to draw the attention of Kat, who, besides Scotty and I, are the only ones in the room, as Vera and Jefferies are working on a case. She lifts her head just as Scotty reaches my desk.

I stand up to face Scotty, reach out and pull him into a kiss. I try to really get into it, to recreate that feeling from last night, but there's nothing, no feeling of the passion or pleasure. I quickly pull back, my eyes once again filling with tears. I glance at Kat, a stunned look on her round face, then back at Scotty, who's staring at me in bewilderment.

I turn to leave as quickly as I can. I hear footsteps follow me, but I don't much care whose they are. As I'm nearly out the door, I whirl around to face my pursuer.

"Why don' you---," I begin, but am stopped as I see Kat's eyes staring back at mine, her face not three inches away.

"What the HELL was that, Lilly?" she growls under her breath. "What were you trying to do? Trying to impress me? Or was it an attempt to prove that you're straight?"

My mouth opens and closes and I find nothing to say.

"Lilly, I saw you when you kissed him. You felt nothing. Isn't that right?" she says, her eyes locking with mine again. Afraid to look directly at her, knowing that she's right, I avert my eyes from her steely glare. "Why don't you just accept it?"

I'm shocked by everything coming out of her mouth; I find myself unable to speak or even think for a few seconds before I regain my composure.

"Obviously, our prior relations are creating problems that make it difficult for us to work together. Maybe one of us should just...LEAVE!" I say, trying to sound as official as possible.

She stares back at me, stunned at my words. She had been expecting me to proclaim my love for her...My love...Yes, I did love her. But with those words I had just spoken, how could I ever win her back?

I leave my words hanging in the air as I turn around to continue out the door, the guilt of my statement hanging thick over my head.

TBC...