What Hurts the Most

by halfmyheart

She had finally sorted out her feeling from those left behind in her mind from Jolinar. She had debated telling him about them before…well before, but had decided better of it. Now, the pain of not saying it was almost more than she could bear.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sam, and sadly I still don't own Martouf. Song lyrics belong to Rascal Flatts.

Lyrics are in Italics.

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And never knowing

What could have been

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

That don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and them and just let them out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok

But that's not what gets me

Sam sat staring at the blank wall across from her as her mind replayed Martouf's death for the thousandth time. Was there something she could have done different? Why didn't they think of testing him earlier? Maybe the scene that unfolded only days before in the gateroom could have played out differently, instead of sitting there tying herself in knots and fighting back the tears that threaten to fall, she could be sitting with Martouf in the commissary laughing over a cup of tea. Did he like tea? She didn't know, she had never asked. She never asked a lot of things.

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

But I'm doin' It

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends an I'm alone

Still harder

Getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret

But I know if I could do it over

I would trade, give away all the words I saved in my heart

That I left unspoken

She had finally sorted out her feeling from those left behind in her mind from Jolinar. She had debated telling him about them before…well before, but had decided better of it. Now, the pain of not saying it was almost more than she could bear. The heartache swelled inside of her like a tempest. It was the silence of her unspoken words that pushed her towards the edge of insanity. If she could do it all over again she never would have kept her true feeling from him. He deserved the truth. She thought briefly of trying to drown her sorrows, but he would never have approved of such behavior. Instead, she just sat there staring at the blank lab wall, picturing him sitting opposite her, that cute little smile on his face. It was a happy memory, and it made Sam smile for the first time in days.

What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And never knowing

What could have been