AN: Hi all! Sooo I originally wrote this as a one-shot but I'm still not sure exactly how to stick the ending and it got so long that you'll get it in two parts, but probably not more than that. Fair warning, I think this fic will be more about Calzona getting to a place where they can reconcile than them actually reconciling. Also, I wrote this during a fever dream and honestly understand Callie way more than Arizona, so I'm not sure I struck the right tone, so if you have thoughts on that, let me know!
Title comes from the song of the same name by Fletcher (yes, her again, I'm a v basic gay what can I say).
Arizona awoke feeling like everything was right, and that's how she knew something was wrong. Opening her eyes, she inhaled, trying to take it all in, the not-quite-familiar soft gray walls facing her, the white sheets wrapped around her completely naked body, and Callie's arm draped over her waist-
Wait what?
Arizona rolled over instantly, but she already knew from the smell, from the feel of her skin, from the precise weight of her arm, that it was Callie. Her ex-wife, the mother of her child lay there, arm still resting gently on Arizona as she slept, that beautiful, stupid smile plastered on her face.
"Fuck," Arizona hissed, drawing back, and trying to yank back some of the sheet with her. Her head was throbbing, her mouth was dry, she was hungover and could barely think - but none of that mattered. "Fuckfuckfuck. Fuck, Callie, wake up!" Suddenly afraid to touch the woman she'd been curled up with seconds ago, she prodded Callie, who continued to sleep. Typical Callie. "Fuck!"
Glancing at the clock on Callie's bedside, Arizona saw the time was six forty-three.
"Callie!" Not wanting to wake Sofia, Arizona only raised her voice slightly as she shook Caliie's shoulder. "Callie, Sofia has to be up in seventeen minutes! Wake up!" Arizona shoved her ex-wife harder than she meant to, and Callie, finally awakening with a grunt, rolled straight off the bed and landed with a thump on the floor.
Awkwardly pressing the top sheet against her chest, Arizona crawled to the edge of her bed, peering down at Callie's face just as Callie let out a loud groan and covered half her face in her hand. "Quiet!" Arizona told her. "Don't wake Sofia!"
"What'd you do that for?" Callie demanded, still so loudly that Arizona flinched. She glanced at the clock again.
"Callie, we have to get up now! Sofia wakes up in sixteen minutes!" God, she was still so beautiful, Arizona realized. The thought made her head hurt even more, if possible.
"You didn't have to push me onto the floor, woman." The way Callie so casually complained, the familiarity in her voice, both warmed and terrified Arizona.
"Callie, I moved here yesterday from Seattle with our daughter and this morning we woke up naked in bed together!"
Callie's eyes widened as she fully processed the situation. "Fuck," she groaned. "And I'm hungover." Callie rubbed a hand across her face, doubtless willing her own headache to go away.
Arizona snorted. "You think I'm not?"
"How drunk were we?" Callie asked, sitting up.
She didn't have to say it like that, Arizona thought, like only a massive amount of alcohol would allow her to fuck Arizona again.
"Hey, you were the one who started it! You kissed me first!" And it had been a good kiss, but then, every kiss with Callie had been. The night was coming back to her, filtering into her head in little bits and pieces. The feel of Callie on her skin, the sound of her moans, the constant echo in Arizona's own head that this was wrong, wrong, wrong, that they needed to stop. They hadn't.
Callie spread her hands, confused. "And you kissed me back! We both made this decision." Arizona couldn't stop herself from wincing, and Callie noticed. "Arizona, don't give me that. I was just complaining about the hangover, not last night. Last night was…" She faded off, a smile on her face.
It brought Arizona back to the last time they'd woken up together. Callie had woken up with exactly the same smile. Then she had left Arizona in their therapist's office.
"Yeah, well, now there are a lot of empty wine bottles in the living room that you're going to need to clean up before Sofia gets up, cause I'm getting the hell out of here."
"Relax, Arizona, she won't be up for awhile." What the hell was she talking about? Why wasn't Callie panicked? Did she really care so little about their relationship as co-parents? Was she really so unaffected by sleeping with Arizona, that she didn't even care? Was that all she was to Callie now? A decent drunken lay? Arizona cursed herself for having thought, back in Seattle, that things could be different this time.
Distracted by Callie's nonchalance, Arizona did not realize Callie was reaching for the bottom of the same sheet she was using to cover her body until Callie had already yanked it from her weak grasp.
"Hey! I was using that!"
"It's a bedroom! Use a blanket! Or nothing, it's not like I didn't just see you naked," Callie smirked.
Arizona glared at Callie as more images from the night before flashed painfully in her mind.
"It's heavy! I have one leg, I'm not the most structurally stable!" She was mad, unreasonably mad at Callie for taking the sheet, and the playful glint in Callie's eye as she had done so. Did Callie really think this was a game? Did she really think Arizona was going to be okay after all this?
"My bed, my sheet!" Callie wrapped the fabric around herself more protectively. Arizona reached out towards the far end of the bed for the comforter that Callie had flung off halfway through the night, probably because she was too hot, and pulled it up over her chest.
"Look, Callie, we don't have time for this. We can't let Sofia see me here, it'll send her mixed messages! And she'll be awake in -" she checked the clock again "-Fifteen minutes! Can you grab my leg so I can get out of here?"
"Wait… so that's it? You're just going to run?" The edge in Callie's voice hurt more than Arizona was expecting it to, ripping open all the old wounds from years past.
Of course Arizona didn't want to talk about it, especially if it was just going to be a conversation about how this had been a mistake, and how to hide it from Sofia. She pressed her lips together. She wouldn't say anything - she couldn't say anything. She just had to collect her thoughts like this.
"Just hand me my leg, please, Callie."
Still holding the sheet to her body, Callie crossed the room to the leg that she had flung across the room last night. There was a small dent in the plaster where it had hit the wall, and Arizona winced, suddenly remembering the sound it had made. It was a wonder Sofia hadn't woken up. Or maybe she had… Arizona shuddered at the idea of trying to explain that to her daughter.
"Is it alright?" Arizona asked. "That one was expensive."
Callie examined it, an unreadable expression on her face. "I think it's fine."
"Great, then could you hand it over so I could get out of here, please?"
"So rude," Callie commented as she turned to face Arizona again, and even though she was joking, it annoyed the hell out of Arizona. What did she think she was doing?
"Callie!"
"Arizona, please, just talk to me before you leave. I don't know what's going on with you right now. Last night was good." Her face fell suddenly. "You didn't think it was good?"
How could she act like this? Like all the things that had happened between them before were suddenly gone? Like Arizona hadn't cheated on Callie and suffocated her, like Callie hadn't tried to take Sofia, pretending that Arizona was never her real mother?
"Callie!" Arizona glanced desperately at the clock again, angry at herself for getting caught up in her feelings. Thirteen minutes. How was Callie not as stressed as she was about this? Did she just not care at all anymore? Was she still letting her entire personal life affect her daughter's?
That wasn't fair, Arizona, and you know it.
"Arizona, you can't just run out of here." Callie clutched the prosthetic to her chest. "We're living in the same city now! I thought we could deal with this like adults. You can't just solve this by avoiding me. And what about Sofia?"
How dare she invoke Sofia's name, Arizona thought. And how dare she imply that Arizona wasn't being an adult about it, when Arizona was the one trying to keep their coparenting relationship intact? "I am extremely aware of that, Callie! Now give it back!" Down a leg and still holding a pillow in front of her body, more out of principle than anything else, she awkwardly stumbled across the bed, reaching for Callie even though she was far out of reach on the other side of the room.
"We can't sweep this under the rug! We can't just not talk about things anymore!"
"Oh, so, that's your solution to our communication problems? Holding my leg hostage?"
"Oh, so now you agree, we do have communication problems!"
"It's not like it didn't come up constantly in the divorce."
"Okay, well that was a low blow."
"You are holding my leg hostage!"
"Because you won't listen!"
"Callie, keep your voice down! You're going to wake up Sofia." Arizona swung her leg over the side of the bed and tossed the pillow she'd been holding to the side, ready to make a go for it.
Callie's eyes widened. "Arizona, that is not a good idea-"
"Do you have a better one? Cause our daughter wakes up in twelve minutes - if you haven't woken her already!"
"Why do you keep saying that-" Callie began, but as soon as she let her guard down, Arizona launched across the room, stumbling and hopping. It wasn't that she couldn't make her way around without a crutch, when absolutely necessary. But her anger and hastiness, combined with the throbbing in her head, caused her to recklessly overestimate the amount of force needed to reach Callie, and she stumbled, arms windmilling wildly in hopes of grabbing the prosthetic.
In one smooth motion, Callie dropped the sheet, stepped forward, and caught Arizona with her free hand, stabilizing her. Arizona made another grab for the leg.
"Calm down, Arizona. I'll give it back. Let me just help you back to the bed so you can put it on." Callie sounded more tired than anything now, and even more wounded. There was also a new softness in her voice, a fresh infusion of empathy as she peered into Arizona's eyes. Arizona tried hard to avoid that soulful brown gaze, and suddenly realized that they were both naked, and Callie was holding her. Every nerve in her body was on fire, and she had to force her eyes back to Callie's. Something seemed to catch in Callie's throat, too. Were they having a moment? Could Callie even still possibly want to have a moment with Arizona at this point?
Arizona cleared her throat, forcing the first coherent words she could summon out of her mouth. "Okay. Help me sit down."
She hated all of it. Why was it so hard for them to just handle things like adults? She'd been so sure that when she came to New York, the space they'd both had, the healing they'd both done, would at least allow them to make a whole family for Sofia again.
Callie shifted her weight, and began to move for the bed. Arizona did not want any help from her naked ex-wife, but she also didn't have a choice. She leaned into Callie as they took a few steps towards the bed and then sank back down onto the edge. Callie moved to reattach the leg, but Arizona snatched it from her, suddenly aware again of how exposed she felt. All she wanted was to put on some clothes and leave, for the ringing in her head to stop, for Sofia to not be hurt anymore by their inability to get over their messy feelings. She glanced at the clock again as she finished reattaching her leg, and Callie followed her gaze.
"What's the big deal, with the time? Why are you so stressed about her being up at seven?" Callie asked.
"Are you kidding me Callie?"
But Callie just looked genuinely puzzled. This wasn't one of her games, Arizona realized.
"School, Callie, school! She has to wake up at seven to go to-" As she ranted, a bemused expression spread across Callie's face.
"Oh," said Arizona softly. "We're in New York."
"And the school year ended for her last week. That's why you moved when you did, remember?"
"Oh."
"Oh, and also, it's Sunday," Callie added.
"Fuck."
The silence hung between them for a minute, as both of them realized that they'd let their words and emotions get out of hand.
And then, Arizona burst out laughing.
"Are you ... okay?" Callie asked.
"It's just," Arizona choked, "I've been here for less than twenty-four hours, and we already got so wasted we slept together, and then we literally had a fight over my leg because I was worried Sofia had school, but it's a Sunday!"
Callie looked puzzled for a minute, then burst out laughing too. She dropped onto the edge of the bed next to Arizona, and they sat together, laughing. Callie laughed so hard she fell backwards, splayed across the bed, legs hanging over the edge, and Arizona followed. They lay side-by-side, neither touching, but both consumed with their laughter, and the fact that they were laughing together.
"Are we really this much of a mess?" Callie asked, in between fits of laughter.
"I know! Who do we think we are?" said Arizona, and then, they continued to laugh.
"What the fuck is wrong with us?" Callie added.
"I don't know! I don't know, Callie!"
Their laughter slowly faded, and they continued to lay flat on their backs in silence, pillows and sheets long fallen away. Arizona's head was really pounding now, but so was her heart. She had no idea what was happening right now, no idea how she was keeping herself together with this hangover and naked Callie and all the emotions swirling through her.
"Do you think we woke Sofia?" Arizona asked.
"Well if this didn't wake her, nothing will."
"Sounds like someone I know," Arizona replied before she could stop herself.
"Hey, I was awake before you shoved me out of bed."
You say that every time, Arizona thought, but this time, she managed to stop herself from saying it aloud. God, why was this so hard? Why couldn't she maintain a consistent tone with Callie? They were fighting one moment, flirting the next. They went from yelling so loud they were in danger of waking their daughter to laughing so hard they were in danger of waking their daughter. And now, here they were, lying naked in bed, not touching, and simultaneously, all Arizona wanted was for them to touch again, but also to leave, for Callie to never see her like this again. For her to never be this vulnerable in front of Callie again. Because at any minute, things could fall apart between them, like they had so many times before. She'd say the wrong thing, or Callie would just not be thinking, and suddenly, there would be a new gulf separating them, a new reason for them to hate each other. And Arizona couldn't handle screwing them up, not again.
"I came here thinking things were going to be different," said Arizona softly.
"Me too," said Callie. "I wanted them to be. Maybe they still can be." God, that optimism, Arizona thought. That certainty. It was accompanied by a thoughtlessness and empathy so wholly Callie that it made Arizona ache for a life she'd thrown away a long time ago, that she thought she'd gotten over.
Arizona scoffed, more at herself than at Callie. "I don't even know what 'different' means. Like, different in that we're not always fighting all the time? Or different in that we…"
"We finally figure it out?" Callie suggested the forbidden thought so softly that Arizona almost doubted it. But the blazing, certain look in her ex-wife's eyes told her otherwise.
Fuck. Arizona turned her head away, still overwhelmed with her fear of it falling apart. She didn't think she could do this.
"Arizona…"
"I don't know what I thought," Arizona said slowly. "I - my head hurts, Callie. And I just…"
"Come on," Callie sighed, frustrated. "We have to talk about this sometime."
Arizona turned back to face her. "Sometime. Not now. Callie, I - I almost said some things just now that I really, really would have regretted. And for what? Because I slept with my ex? One time? I've done worse, much worse. I - if we can't handle difficult situations better, we can't - we need to be careful what situations we end up in."
"I almost said some things I regretted, too," Callie said. "Maybe I even regret a few things I did say. Not the leg thing, though, you were being a brat."
"So were you," replied Arizona, before she could stop herself. "Stealing my sheet."
Callie opened her mouth, and for a moment, Arizona was afraid of what she was going to say, but surprisingly, she closed her mouth again and waited. For Arizona.
"I just, I need time to think, Callie. And I can't think with this - this hangover."
"I know," said Callie simply.
"What?"
"You're not like me, I know. You take time to figure things out. You don't jump into things. It's okay, Arizona. I overreacted to you wanting to run out the door. I just… I didn't want things to be like before. I was afraid."
"No," Arizona admitted. "I, uh, I probably freaked out a little too hard. And it would have been one thing, given that we had a one night stand. But with Sofia… I probably shouldn't have tried to run."
"You don't need to run, Arizona. That's what I'm saying. Whether or not you want to be with me, you don't need to run."
She reached out lightly, as if to take Arizona's hand, then faltered. Arizona made no move to come any closer.
It was easy for Callie to say things, Arizona reminded herself, because even though they were true, they changed. Feelings, emotions, they changed for Callie. It's why she could love so easily, so wholly. But things didn't change for Arizona. She still burned with love for Callie. That had never changed, that would never change.
A door slammed in the silence from the bedroom over.
"Ugh," Callie groaned as Arizona sat up.
"Well at least we know we didn't wake her up," said Arizona with a slight smile ghosting her lips.
"I hope not," Callie laughed bitterly. "Man, we should really win parents of the year award for that one." Something about the way Callie said "we", the way she owned the mistake as something they had done together, touched Arizona.
"I'm sure Mark is delighted with us right now," Arizona replied.
Callie smiled at the mention of her best friend. "Yeah, well, we both know he was just as capable of making a mess."
Arizona laughed. "True," she admitted.
Down the hall, a toilet flushed and another door slammed.
"I think she's getting to that age that she'll ask me why I'm wearing the same thing I had on yesterday," said Arizona cautiously.
Callie sighed. "Yeah, I bet she is," she admitted, although she sounded unhappy about it. Arizona didn't want to think about what her tone meant. "I guess we shouldn't make a scene. I can distract her while you sneak out." As Arizona scrambled around the room, putting her clothes from the day before back on, Callie crossed to the dresser and began rooting around for a pair of pajamas.
"Okay," replied Arizona. "I, uh, think my keys and stuff are on your coffee table."
"Yeah, I think they are," Callie replied, pulling a t-shirt over her head.
"Look, Arizona?"
Arizona met her eyes as she zipped up the fly of her pants.
"We had still planned to do things today with Sofia. We should still… do them. Come back after you've changed. Have breakfast with us. I don't want you to feel like we can't be a family, or that you can't see Sofia before you've finished moving."
They'd talked a lot in the past few weeks about how they wanted to be more in each other's lives, not just for Sofia's sake, but so that both of them could feel fully like her parents again after being away from her for so long. It had seemed like Sofia leaving New York, rather than causing resentment towards her other mother, had sparked a lot of empathy in Callie for what she had put Arizona through. And last night, as they had put Sofia to bed together for the first time in years, they had agreed Arizona should join them for breakfast. Just… not like this.
Arizona sighed. "I - I do want that. I'm glad you said that. But I need a little time, Callie. This - this is still a lot."
"Lunch, then?" Callie suggested. "Or tomorrow, if that's too soon."
Arizona shook her head, unable to stand the thought of leaving Sofia alone with Callie on the first day, but also unsure of how much longer she could be in the same room as Callie. It was sweet that Callie was being so considerate, but she was afraid to take advantage of it, afraid of how long it would last. "No, lunch sounds good. And we were going to pick out a few things to decorate Sofia's bedroom in my place with, remember? We could still do that." Structured activities, where their daughter was the purpose, and not merely a buffer, felt safer, for the time being. And having a task she could stay focused on would help, even if she was around Callie. It would be fine. They could do this.
"Okay," Callie smiled. "And we should, uh - we should talk more. About this."
What more could be possibly said? For two people that had been screaming at each other just minutes ago, Arizona felt like they had resolved things as peacefully as possible. And sure, that small, unspoken hope she'd had that they could work things out had been dashed. But they were going to coparent Sofia. And maybe even get along. Why would they need to talk? The word still felt ominous to her.
"Yeah. Just uh, I need some time." She felt lame, saying that again. She always needed time, and even though Callie had just said it was okay, it had still always frustrated her ex-wife in the past. But she couldn't be rational right now, she couldn't think straight. She wished she could tell Callie that this wasn't easy for her, and she almost did, but at the last moment, she faltered.
"Okay." Callie smiled cautiously. "I'm going to go keep Sofia in her room. Head out when you hear me say 'pancakes' loudly, and text me when you're gone."
Arizona nodded. "Thanks, Callie."
As she headed for the door, and turned back to look at Callie one last time, something in those dark, soulful eyes reminded her that it wasn't easy for Callie, either. Arizona had hurt her, too, after all. Suppressing that thought, she turned and walked out the door, scooping her cellphone and keys from the coffee table where she'd left them the night before. A part of her longed to see Sofia wake up, to tell her good morning, but she'd ruined that now.
Coffee. She needed coffee.
Patting down her jacket to make sure she still had her wallet, she slipped out the door.