They've got to get back on the horse, right?
Chapter 13
I roused, as usual, when the fire quieted. Fumbling for a couple chunks of wood, I rolled over, coming fully awake when I realized I wasn't alone. The scent and the shape were familiar, though, and posed no threat, so I placed the logs, prodded the coals till they flared again, and stood.
McKay was slouched in a corner, on one of the couches. He didn't budge when I moved over and sat next to him. He didn't say anything. I didn't either, knowing McKay well enough that the mutual silence wouldn't last.
"Bored yet?" the physicist asked, not looking up.
"Fire's nice to watch," I replied neutrally.
"Bet you've watched a lot of fires." Uncharacteristically, he was keeping the conversation going.
"Lots of them." I wasn't going to make it easy. There was something on the man's mind, and given enough silence, I knew it would make its way out. And there was something I'd noticed about McKay in the last few days, a hesitancy, that made me suspect I knew exactly what it was.
"Lots of them." McKay repeated, and there was nothing for several moments but the crackle of the fire. Finally, McKay stood, moving stiffly, as if his ribs still hurt. It was the memory of pain, I was willing to bet, rather than the actuality of it. So many things in memory affected the present.
"Something?" I asked.
"Nah. It's nothing. I'm going back to bed." McKay stood, and turned, but I said something so baldly he stopped.
"You're afraid you've lost it."
McKay swung around. "What?"
I was on the right track, I could feel it. "It takes a certain kind of person to do what we do. And it takes something in yourself that lets you do it. And you're afraid you've lost it."
McKay's back was straight, and he was clearly angry. "How can you lose what you never had?"
That was unexpected. "What?"
McKay took a couple of steps. "You and Teyla - you're from here. You've grown up with the Wraith. Not the best boogeyman, granted, and worse because they actually exist, but you guys - you're hunters. And Sheppard, Mr. "Air Force", Mr. "Trained to Command", he loves this stuff, this - new world. He's Kirk. And me?" He laughed bitterly. "Chickenshit scientist, from a country that can hardly defend itself, handed his dream job as long as I don't mind if I face death on a regular basis, oh and by the way there's these aliens that would love to suck your life out. Or the life of anyone you've managed, by some odd quirk of fate, to become friends with." The words had a sense of release about them, as if they'd been burning in him to say for days. "We go out there, I'm always scared, wondering who I'll get killed this time." He fell silent.
"I thought being on Sheppard's team was voluntary," I said. "Why'd you say yes?" I was puzzled by the outburst, and didn't bother covering it up.
There was a long pause. "It was my ego," McKay said finally. "It always is. Sheppard asked me in front of my lab monkeys, you think I wouldn't say yes? That's why he did it there, the bastard! He didn't want me to have a chance to think about it, and asking me there, he knew what I'd say." He started pacing, hands punctuating his words. "He knew from Antarctica that I don't back down from a challenge, and that I'm always - well, pretty much always - right. And he absolutely was certain that I couldn't say no, not to what was the ultimate challenge here; to be on the lead team…to be going out there…" he trailed off. "So, he walked right in while we were still setting up and said 'Hey, McKay, I need a scientist on my team, what do you say?' and everyone went quiet, and they were looking at me. They were surprised." It was almost as if he were talking to himself, now. "When I said 'yes', they were even more surprised. It…it was a rush."
"You could've quit."
"I was tempted, Lord knows. I was really, really tempted. We did some offworld training, and I was on the verge of saying 'screw this' and going back to my lab, and then we got stuck on the jumper and I - kept us alive. And…" he stopped "I was really part of a team, you know? It was like - like the last three or four days of a really big experiment, when everything you've worked for and on starts to come together, and you have maybe twenty-four hours that will make the last four years of research and eighteen hour days pay off, and when it does and you have that few minutes it's better than the best sex you've ever had; after all the work is done and you have your results and before you start worrying about funding the next project and what it'll be…"
He ran out of words and energy at about the same time, sinking back on the couch next to me. "When Sheppard started breathing, after we'd landed, when Beckett brought him back, it felt like that. You know? And I went back to my lab, and sat there for most of the night and thought about that, and then I went and sat with Sheppard till he really woke up, and I never told him I thought about quitting."
"Bet he knew anyway."
"Yeah. Maybe. He never said."
"So what's changed?"
McKay said nothing at first, rubbing his mended ribs absently. "You know what?" he said finally, puzzled. "I don't know."
"All this and you don't know." I said it as neutrally as possible.
"I guess…nothing. Nothing's changed, has it?" The surprise was almost comical, but the frustration had eased, as if telling me his story had reminded him of the reasons he agreed to join the mission in the first place. "Nothing at all, really. Still scared."
"Good."
"Good?"
I smiled a bit. "I like fear. Keeps me sharp."
There was a heavy sigh from McKay. "…typical military…" he muttered. "Have to make a strength out of a weakness."
I shut up. There wasn't much more to say, but sitting there I felt some of the tension go out of him and I knew it had helped.
I wasn't surprised when McKay stood, a few moments later. "G'night," he told me, heading for his bed.
Chapter 14"McKay. Ronon. C'mere."
Sheppard's voice echoed in the back rooms. We'd had our morning dip and were preparing for the walk to the village. Sheppard had poured a cup of water from the earthenware flask and wandered off, deeper into the series of rooms that gave off the cavern.
We'd taken to wandering, each of us, alone, over the last week or so. Beckett had said Sheppard and McKay would be good to move back to the city within a few days and I found myself looking forward to it more than I'd expected. As well as we all got along, we were also all strong personalities and for all its size it was, as it turned out, a far smaller tent than we'd first thought. And a small village. There had been several disagreements - 'spats', Sheppard had called them. Fortunately, we'd realized it was due to proximity, and as a result, and most sensibly, the walks had substituted for the yelling.
The underground had proven more extensive than first thought. Sheppard had taken to mapping it. Room after room - for massages, some of them, judging by the remains of the tables; for saunas; for exercise.
I didn't hear any concern or worry in his voice, just interest, and so I took the time to towel my hair properly - if I didn't it dripped down my back for hours - before pulling my shirt on. Long before I was done, though, McKay had dried off, rubbed the remains of his hair, dressed and headed back. I considered shaving my head for about a second, dismissed the idea just as fast, and followed.
Sheppard was standing in front of a carved wall at the end of a long room. Part of the carving was obscured by roots from the trees above, and there had been a rock fall to one side. Sheppard gestured for us to stand in the middle of the room.
"Back up a bit. Bit more." He waved us back, then to the side. Finally happy, he stopped us.
"Now, look here," he pointed to the wall, tracing an all but invisible line. "And here." He took four large paces, traced another vertical line that was partially obscured by the rock fall.
"Now up about nine feet." Earth measures had been annoying, but I'd figured out 'feet' without much effort. Another faint line joined the first two horizontally.
"A door?" There was an eager light in McKay's eyes that belied our late night conversation a few days ago, and it relieved concerns I didn't know I'd had.
"Yup. Now, come over here a minute."
Sheppard stood between us, cup in hand. Once we were close enough to see, he tipped it, pouring a bit of water onto the stone floor. It drained away, through a tiny gap, behind the door.
There was a pause.
"Oh, we have GOT to open this," McKay exclaimed. He pulled out the penlight he always carried and began examining the edges. "Has to be Ancient, meaning there has to be a panel," he muttered.
Forgotten, Sheppard joined me. "What d'ya think?"
I grinned at my commander. "We have got to open this," I said.
Sheppard returned the grin, nodding.
"But we need a bit more equipment," he decided. "McKay! You planning on exploring in your shorts?"
OoO
I idled outside the jumper, half-listening to the voices within. Weir sounded interested, and had agreed that it needed further research, but had quashed any idea of us doing it on our own. A jumper was being outfitted and would be joining us the next morning, with proper equipment and Lorne. Sheppard and McKay had objected to the delay, naturally, and Weir had over-ridden those objections, also naturally.
"It's been there this long, gentlemen," she'd said, and her tone was similar to a long-suffering, incredibly patient taskmaster. "It can wait a bit longer."