Title: Quidditch Showers
Category: Parody/Angst
Rating: T
Summary: Communal showers. Hell. Harry couldn't really tell the difference.
Warning: This story contains much sillyness andisn't meant to offend anybody.
Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling owns all the character, in other words: I don't own anything. The summary belongs to thebrilliant electricice.
QUIDDITCH SHOWERS
Harry loved Quidditch; he was the captain of the Gryffindor team after all. He never got enough of flying. The blow of the wind made his hair look better than ever – he liked messy hair. He was also quite good at flying. He was "the youngest seeker in a century" when he started his career. Harry was quite proud of that. He would have bragged about it more if his self-esteem weren't so low. He hoped that somebody would remember it and say: "Hey! That's the youngest seeker in a century!"
But there was one aspect of Quidditch that he loathed: the showers...Harry was only 16 and therefore he should have been in good shape. Showing himself naked shouldn't have been a problem. Cormac McLaggen loved to run around naked. He said that he was too beautiful to wear any clothes. But Harry preferred to wear as many clothes as possible. There was a very logical explanation for this: his body looked like the body of a 90 year-old man: his skin was hanging, his muscles were small and weak, he had cellulite in places there shouldn't be and so on. In other words: he looked a bit like a turkey. So you can imagine how he felt about bathing suits.
The showers were pure torture for him. He desperately tried to cover up the worst parts with a towel that always seemed to be too small. The Weasley twins had always found this very amusing and never forgot to remark on it. But they were under the impression that Harry just joked with them and that he had used a spell of some kind on his body. But he hadn't.
Harry had had to live with this body for the last 15 years. It was of course all Voldemort's fault - and that bloody spell. He would have been a pretty boy if that Kedavra-thing hadn't gone wrong. But on the other hand, maybe this was better than being dead?
You see, the scar wasn't the only thing that the green horror had left him with. He also switched bodies with the Lord himself. The Dark Lord had a very ugly body at the time when he decided to kill poor Harry. Harry often wondered what Voldemort's body looked like nowadays: a Voldy head on a Potter body?
Harry's body was one of the reasons the Dursleys found Harry so repulsing. No wonder baby-Harry wasn't bathed for months at a time in his first three years. Harry's body was also one of the reasons why Dumbledore was so eager to leave him with the muggles. Dumbledore wasn't very fond of babies, let alone ugly babies. He had to take a Prozac every time he saw children – and his work was full of them. That was one of the reasons why he always seemed so chipper babbling about lemon drops and earmuffs.
Hagrid who had never seen poor Harry naked had no idea of this macabre thing. That's why he cried so much when they left the baby on the steps outside the house of the Dursleys. Harry did have quite a beautiful face after all: enormous amounts of black hair living its own life and huge green eyes. Dumbledore was very glad that Hagrid never saw Harry's body. He was afraid that Hagrid would have thought that Harry was a monster of some kind – Hagrid was very fond of monsters. So he didn't want Harry to become one of Hagrid's pets. What would have happened to Harry if Hagrid had decided to go to Himalayas for a week or two? Who would then have had to take Harry on his daily walks around the castle? Dumbledore feared the worst.
Well back to the Dursleys: they always hated Harry. So much that they shut him inside a cupboard hoping that they would never have to see him again. At first Harry didn't mind it at all. "Hey this isn't so bad!" he thought. "I can play with all the little spiders!" But the spiders didn't like him either. They were actually quite afraid of him. They used to fall down dead when he showed them his leg or any other limb apart from the head (with all the lovely thick hair and his mother's eyes) by accident. Harry was quite amused by this. It became his sick little hobby: leg - dead spider, leg again - more dead spiders, tummy – a bunch of dead spiders! He had also tried this trick on Dudley. Dudley was so shocked that he developed an eating disorder. Since that day he always carried candy of some kind in his back pocket. If he caught a glance of Harry he immediately took a bite of the deliciousness. It was a way for him to still his pain. Harry also found this amusing: leg – eating Dudley, more leg – Dudley attacking the refrigerator, butt – Dudley attacking the nearest human.
The Dursleys were mighty happy when Harry at last got the letters from Hogwarts. They did of course not show him this - that could have provoked him and Potter skin was the last thing they wanted to see. But there was one problem: Harry would have to come back every summer. They therefore tried to hide all the letters so that he wouldn't see them. It wasn't until that beast of a man crashed through the front door at their "summer resort" that their cover blew.
At Hogwarts Harry got some friends at last: Ronald and Hermione. He thought they were quite annoying but it was the best he could get. After all they didn't seem to notice his turtleneck. All the other pupils were afraid of him. They pointed at him in the corridors and said: "Look! There's that Potter!" Ron and Hermione of course thought they meant his scar and were quite smug about being pals with "that Potter". He had defeated the lord after all. But to tell the truth: the scar wasn't that good anymore. It was fading away. Harry got a bit alarmed by this. What would he do if it disappeared? Would Ron and Hermione notice his ugliness and leave him for good?
Therefore he bought a red pen and drew a new scar every morning where the original should have been. He wasn't always so good at it. He sometimes drew the scar all the way down to his nose or over his eyebrows and eyes. He had to cover his forehead with his hand so that nobody would see it.
"What is it?" Hermione once asked when he had been holding his hand over his face the whole day. It was a bit curious after all.
"It's my scar." he said without thinking before speaking.
"Oh is it hurting?" Ron said and Harry drew a sigh of relief. His friends were more stupid than he had thought.
"Erm... yesss. Yes! Awfully!" Harry said and grimaced.
"It must be a sign, you know!" a very excited Hermione said. "You know like You-know-who, who you know, must be, you know, up to something, you know!"
"Yes, that's quite possible!" Harry said maybe a little bit too happily considering that a powerful wizard was supposed to be after him. He then realized that he had something sticky on his hand. To his horror it was red colour from the red pen.
"Gotta go!" he screamed and ran inside.
Luckily, the dark Lord actually was up to something so nobody suspected anything. The lord thought that he would somehow live forever if he chewed on a stone that obviously would cause him nothing more than toothache.
One may think that Harry learned to live with himself and his Voldy body – but he didn't. The quidditch showers were still as horrible as they were in his first year (when he was the youngest seeker in a century). People had also started wondering why Harry still hadn't changed back to himself. Harry said that it was an extra long lasting spell. He also bought a 5x5 metre big towel and learned how to cover up his body as much as possible.
The only thing that kept him from crying was that he was determined to find Voldy and kill him! It was the only way he could get back his body! But until then he would stick to towels and permanent markers.