Chapter 3: For Jaina's Sake

I have seen and done many disturbing things in my life, but at the moment they all pale in comparison to what lies before me. I only agreed to escort Jaina to Zonama Sekot because Jacen made it clear that I was her last best hope of surviving the initial separation in hyperspace. The moment is fast approaching, but I can't seem to clear my head of the last 36 hours and open her door.

I can see him even now, half hidden in the shadows, watching his sister and Zekk. Jacen is an enigma. A pariah. He is very powerful and very disciplined -- and yet he worries me. It seems to me that his five-year absence was, in fact, a search for omnipotence. I doubt he even realizes the danger he is skirting, but trust me when I say, "Jacen is in trouble." I mean, who else do we know who was vaguely omnipotent? Yeah, see what I mean?

Lost in thought, trying to give Jaina some semblance of the privacy she did not ask for, I came down the ramp to get the last load of supplies. Jacen caught my eye and smiled knowingly. I couldn't help myself; I shivered. I also remembered our conversation the night before in my apartments where he had shown up, unannounced, just as I fell asleep. I grimaced as I lifted the heavy box of protein bars. I was trying to forget that conversation! After all, it's not as if someone walks up to me every day and tells me to have casual sex with his sister.

No, not casual. Nothing about Jacen strikes me as casual anymore. It is dangerous to underestimate him. The carefree boy I used to entertain is gone, eroded away into the stoic apparition who visited me last night.

I rose to answer the door in my sleep pants, irritated because my bare feet were slapping across the cold stone floor instead of in my warm bunk where they belonged, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I was therefore not impressed to find Jacen Solo standing there, patiently waiting for me.

I stared at him for moment before saying in my flattest voice, "Jacen," hoping he would take the hint. Humph. No such luck for me.

"Kyp," he said with a nod, "may I come in?"

I heaved a dramatic sigh and raised my eyes to the ceiling before shutting them. I began to recite.

"Yes, Jaina is your only sister. Yes, she is vulnerable right now. No, I will not hurt her, harm her, or deceive her in any way, shape, or form. If I do any of the aforementioned things, you will hunt me down and eviscerate me. Slowly and painfully." Pausing in my monologue, I opened my eyes and looked down at Jacen. "Now, if I have covered everything to your satisfaction, I was sleeping."

I tried to close my door, firmly, in Jacen's face but found that it would not budge. Jacen just looked at me with that insufferably calm expression -- I swear he is sometimes worse than Skywalker ever was -- and continued to maintain his Force grip on my door.

"Not to your satisfaction, then, I take it. Please, won't you join me for a night cap?" My sarcasm earned me nothing more than a raised eyebrow.

"No, thank you. Sit down."

Sitting was easier than arguing, and less arguing meant more sleeping. I sat.

"You were right about Jaina being 'vulnerable' right now."

"Good!" I started to rise, having no desire to listen to another lecture about keeping Jaina safe. As if anyone could. "Now we can all get some sleep. If you wouldn't mind?" Jacen actually almost smiled for some reason.

"I think you may be –surprised- at what I have to say, Kyp. Now sit back down and listen. This is important." He stood before me like a lecturing professor, or Leia in a snit, and I groaned inwardly.

"Jaina may be 'vulnerable' right now, but much of her frailty is physiological, not psychological. During Jaina's time with the Taat, they actually rewired her brain somehow." Jacen began to speak more to himself than me, biting his lower lip in a gesture reminiscent of his sister. "I think it has something to do with the membrosia, despite Cilghal's pheromone theory. Breaking all contact with the other Joiners, Zekk especially, will have physical repercussions."

I ran my hand over my face again as Jacen's words tried to work their way through my sleepy mind.

"I don't understand, then. Why am I going? Why not Cilghal?"

Jacen waved a hand impatiently in my direction. "Jaina won't need a healer, Kyp. She will need you."

Okay, if I wasn't confused before, I sure as Hells was at this point. Jacen must have sensed this because he came to sit next to me on the couch, suddenly focused again.

"The best thing we have to wean her from Taat's presence is a Force bond, like my aunt and uncle have." Jacen looked intently at me before continuing. I found his scrutiny unsettling.

"You could have that with her, you know. You have been flirting with a full Force bond since Borleias." Jacen continued to stare at me with that peculiar look on his face. I was obviously missing something important here.

"A Force bond eliminates any and all barriers, Kyp." Something about the way he said that …

Oh. Oh no. He could not be serious. I felt the blood drain from my face.

"Get some help, Jacen. That is just Sith."

Raising his eyebrow again, Jacen's only reply was, "What's the matter, Kyp? Is my sister that unattractive?"

When I could speak again, the only words I could find were, "You are serious, aren't you?"

"You understand, then?"

"I – ye – NO!" I leapt up and began to back away from him. "No, I don't understand! What about your bond? You are twins! Surely you can help her through this better than I can."

As Jacen answered, a whisper of sadness crossed behind his eyes. "We are shutting down tomorrow as you leave. Our bond is… tainted…by Taat. She will not even have that to lean on. She will be alone, if you allow it."

I knew his honesty was probably meant to be conciliatory and reassuring, but I was beginning to feel trapped.

"I don't care! I can't just have, just have" -- Kriff! I couldn't even say it! -- "I can't do that with Jaina! And right now? How is that any different from telling me to rape your sister, Jacen? Oh, FORCE!" I collapsed into the only other chair in the room and, after a silent moment, I collected myself and managed to whisper, "I think you should go now."

"She will die, Kyp."

I shook my head. "There has to be another way."

"Perhaps," he gathered his robes and rose. Though I could not look at him, I could hear the pity in his voice as he spoke- and the warning. "but there will come a time when you must be willing to choose and act. Be prepared."

Jacen left without another word. I didn't sleep that night.

I had the Goddess almost fully provisioned when Jaina and Zekk came to the hangar. I was almost done with my checklists when a tentative caress on my mind pulled me out of my brooding. Jaina was aboard and wished to be alone for a little bit.

She was heavily shielded, but her direct "touch" gave me a moment's insight into her fear at being alone and her determination not to show it. I guess goddesses don't ever really learn how to be afraid the right way, do they? I allowed her some privacy as we lifted off but began the preparations necessary in the cockpit for my droid to take us into hyperspace. No way was I going to let Jaina alone then, not after my talk with her brother last night. She could just deal with it.

As we drew closer to our departure vector, the tension became more and more palpable. With one last look at my jump calculations and instructions to R6 to check on us in an hour, I rose and made my way back to the guest cabin.

So I find myself here, rooted in place in the corridor, putting off the inevitable. I am not sure what I fear, except maybe myself. Actually, I am probably wise to fear myself. I cannot live with another wrong choice. One more thing to haunt me might drive me insane. Especially if the one I hurt is Jaina. The ship would enter hyperspace in three minutes, though, and there was no going back now. Gathering my courage, I palmed the door to enter.

Of course she has locked me out. This is Jaina I-will-do-it-my-way-or-not-at-all Solo. The girl is too brave for her own good, always had been. Probably always would be. Sighing in frustration, I raised my voice.

"Jaina! Open the door."

"Go away, Kyp."

"Come on -- we both know you're going to need help."

"I'll be fine. I just need to be alone. That's what we're trying to do, remember?"

"That's funny. I thought you were trying to remember how to be a goddess instead of a bug."

Oops. I think she's mad now.

The door flew open far faster than the servos were designed to move it, and before me stood a wild-eyed Jaina. I threw up my hands in apology. "You don't have to do this alone. That's why I'm here, remember?"

"You, you…"

As she stood there sputtering and struggling to find something appropriately vile to call me, which should have been easy considering her extensive vocabulary, I realized how much I missed this side of her.

"…scruffy…"

I laughed.

"nerfherder!"

"Really, Jaina, I'm disappointed. Is that the best you can..."

Shaking my head to clear the spots, I looked up, about to give Jaina an earful for using the Force like that and lost all thought for a moment at the sight of her limp, still form. She wasn't even breathing. That's when it registered: we were in hyperspace now. We were out of time.

Picking myself up from the crumpled heap I had landed in, I staggered to Jaina and remembered Jacen's words. Choose and act. Reaching for Jaina, I chose.