Chapter 4: In the Heart of the Goddess

I was terrified.

Jaina still wasn't breathing and I couldn't sense even a glimmer of her through our rusty bond. How in space did we end up here? Her pulse was nonexistent. Oh yeah, it was your brother's fault.

I tried to stop a grimace at the thoughts that paraded across my mind, courtesy of Jacen Sithly Solo, as I lowered my head to hers. This is CPR. This is CPR. This is CPR. There was a time when I would have given anything for this opportunity. I would have loved to tell Jaina that I kissed her to save her life! But this was different. This was her dying for real.

It was the briefest of moments, it was eternity. There was no "electric spark" like in the fairy tales that I used to read to Jaina as a little girl. Um, ew. Blow the air in. That was a thought I didn't need... And push. How many years ago was that? And two. Too many. And three. Please don't let him be right. Four. And blow. And push.

"Come on, Jaina!"

Two.

"Fine! Have it your own way!"

And three.

"Do you know what Jacen suggested" –four- "I do to you to MAKE you live?"

And blow. And push. And still. No. Response. And blow. And – kriff it! - kiss.

I'm afraid that my kiss was that of a desperate man, scared to lose the last thing he truly held dear. That is to say: it was somewhat harsh; and a little violent as I pulled her dead weight into my arms, attempting to shield her from whatever unknown danger was assaulting her.

It was horrible… like kissing a corpse.

Then she shivered. Oh no. Oh no. And gasped for air. She's never going to believe me. She groaned as I began to pull away. I am a vaping dead man. And then she pulled me down to kiss her again. Hard.

He was a weak-kneed fool, he couldn't lose anyone else. Just the thought of his friend going away was enough to make him feel as if he was sliced open and gutted from the inside... Out of the depths of his confusion and despair, this kiss released him in a way he never dreamed possible. He was soaring without wings. He was alive. He was free. He was desperately in love. He was kissing the man who frustrated the hell out of him.

Huh? I mentally shook my head.

I am kissing Jagged Fel.

I nearly dropped her right then and there. Instead, I steeled myself. Reliving Jaina's memory was unpleasant for me but I couldn't just rip myself from her mind right now without risking injury to her. I found that I could, however, just play the role of Jag in this memory to keep her going. If that is the case, though, then perhaps this memory is what is sustaining her will to live without connection to the hive mind?

It made sense, in a twisted sort of way, to me. If it were true, though, then that would make Jacen right, from a certain point of view. I hate that.

I am strong but as she moved her hands down my chest and then to my stomach with determination that was pure Jaina, I found my mind and consciousness being slowly and inexorably swallowed by hers once more. I was slipping back into her memory. Jaina has always been strong, too. My body was betraying me, caught up in her desire. Her hunger gnaws at me and I know, without a doubt, that whatever happened in this barren room with Jag was nothing so chaste as a simple kiss.

Jacen may have been right but here, in the heart of the Goddess, everything was wrong.

I released Jaina's lips and, drawing a long ragged breath, began to untangle myself from her embrace. Gathering her suddenly still form close to my chest, I crossed the cabin to the small utilitarian bunk and laid her gently down. I can't do this. I was numb with the implications of the choice before me.

Choose and act. Curse you, Jacen Solo.

Her mind was still uncontrolled, more open to me than ever before –grasping, clawing, begging me to stay. She cried out for me not to leave her alone, as so many others in her life. It was heart wrenching to see these inner demons. I sat on the cold floor beside Jaina's bunk, careful to keep my hands to myself, and despaired to see her breathing become slower and slower and to hear the pleas of her mind become increasing desperate and panicked. She didn't even know who I was. I think she thought I was Jag, though in truth she could have believed I was Zekk or even someone completely different for all I knew. All that mattered was that I could save her, I knew that now. But at what price? Saving Jaina this way would destroy her.

Choose and act. Damn you to all Nine Hells!

I would not rape my friend, no matter the costs. I couldn't. Not even to save her life. Even taking advantage of this bond that she so freely offered right now was rape of a different sort. Perhaps worse. If I – did what Jacen said - I could only affect her body; she is strong and would likely never forgive me, but she would survive. But a Force bond without her lucid approval? We would be forever connected in a way far more intimate than sex. We would be partners in truth - and she would have no say in the matter. Love has nothing to do with a Force bond, only trust and need. She could never trust me again and the damage would still already be done. She could love Jag for all the worlds and be Bonded to me. She would hate me.

I began to run my hands through my hair, near to tears with insanity, and found that I had pulled fistfuls of it out.

Choose and act. I will send you to the Force myself, Jacen.

There had to be another way. I sat by helplessly and watched as the rise and fall of her chest stilled. I wanted to close my eyes, to shut away the sight of the only woman in my adult life to show me any sort of love, as she lay dying before me, but I couldn't. My eyes were fixed on her. The way my own shadow fell across her quiet expression, the contours of her cheeks, the turn of her lips. Her hair fell in a halo around face on the pillow, she looked so frail. Jaina should not look frail.

In my mind, I heard one last piteous whimper.

Noooo!

I reached forward and snatched her limp hand between mine in an effort to ease her fear. To let her know that she wasn't alone; not in this room, not in this life. She shouldn't have to die this way.

She woke up crying again from the same nightmare that haunted her since their rescue from Lord Hethrir. Jacen was there in an instant, before she could even call for Mama. She called out anyway. Soon Jacen was tucked back into his own bed while she was encircled in loving arms; a curtain of silken hair fell about her tiny body, holding the evils of the night away from her refuge.

A familiar, haunting melody began to take shape in the darkness and Jaina was soon fast asleep once more -in Winter's arms.

Kyp dangled his feet in the cool water lapping gently against the shore of the lake as motes of pollen and dust caught the sunlight reflected on the water, lending a faerie like quality to this perfect day. His uniform was hung neatly beside Zeth's on the camirel tree that stood proudly further up the bank. He and his brother were already risking punishment by skipping classes but if they were to ruin their new uniforms, too? He didn't even want to think about what his Mom would have to say about that!

He stole a glance at Zeth, who had just finished assembling their flira crab trap and was now hunting for moon frogs to bait it with. Kyp had already caught 5, but 8 or 9 of the pale creatures would be better and attract even more of the tasty crabs. If they caught enough flira crabs then Mom, at least, might forgive them for today. They were her favorite food. And so Kyp hunted. He loved.

She was 18 on the worldship above Myrkyr. She watched in helpless horror as her baby brother died before her, to save them. She cried, knowing that he loved her, knowing that the wound in his side was her fault. She despaired. She hated.
He was 8 when he watched the Stormtroopers tear Zeth from his mother's embrace to send to Carida. He was shoved to the ground and held down as they casually knocked her unconscious when she protested. He listened, frightened and confused, as his parents were proclaimed guilty of treason and sedition against the Emperor. He looked on as they hauled his father into the street and publicly whipped him. The warm, sticky blood splattered on his own scared face.

His father locked eyes with him and refused to make a sound. For him. He noticed, when his father finally passed out, their friends watching silently in the crowd. They watched and did nothing. He saw. He hated.

She was 8 years old and was allowed no friends. The young, vulnerable daughter of the most influential couple in the galaxy must be kept safe. She had only her brothers, a giant Wookiee, and a fussy protocol droid on which to spend her affections. She accepted. She loved.
He had no friends. The other prisoners didn't so much as harass him -they didn't dare. At the tender age of nine, his parents were dead and he was still very much a prisoner of the spice mines on Kessel for crimes he never committed and didn't understand. One of the guards approached Kyp as he exited the transfer cart and laid his large, meaty hand on Kyp's skinny shoulder possessively.

He shuddered and prayed that Smegus wouldn't be in a bad mood as they "talked" today.

He accepted. He lived.

I awoke many memories later, curled up protectively around Jaina's small -breathing- body. Waking was a slightly embarrassing moment, as she was nestled into my chest, with her back fitted against my stomach and, well, it was embarrassing. At least we were fully clothed.

I began to rise from the bunk carefully so as not to disturb her, cringing as she stirred and snuggled closer. Stang! For a moment, keeping very still, all I could think of was that I hoped she didn't notice how alert I was. I didn't know quite what to expect, but I was fairly certain it would not be a polite, "Thank you for Bonding with me and saving my life, Kyp."

What have I done? She will consider what I have done rape; not of her body, but of her soul. Having experienced both, this is worse. What choice did I have?

She was awake and trying hard to hide it from me. I don't think that will ever possible between us again. Hiding anything, that is. She must have come to the same conclusion.

"Get out," she whispered hoarsely, her eyes still closed.

"Jaina…" Still on the bed beside her, I silently begged her to understand.

"Get OUT!"