Chapter 25 Sympathetic Spleen Snatcher

Soda tasted leagues better than alcohol. As Ludwig sipped at his drink, he mused over the plan. The alien they had assigned to do the job had presented himself as someone who would do anything to get the job done; literally anything. With such a go-getting attitude, sending him after Iggy was a no brainer. At least, for some. For Ludwig, he really worried about Iggy's safety. No creature, human or koopa, could survive without their spleen after all. He had intentionally gone out of his way to tell the spleen snatcher to go easy on "Derek," to only intimidate him and not collect the essential organ within. He wasn't sure whether they would actually follow those instructions.

He took a large gulp. He hoped Grambi could hear him within this television universe, because he was praying to him a LOT right now. This plan had to go perfectly. No mess ups, no blunders, no mistakes.

"Roy," Ludwig said to his brother, sitting to his right at the table. "You don't think that the spleen snatcher…"

Ludwig's voice trailed off. Roy had his head tilted back while drinking out of a large bottle of champagne. The alcoholic beverage slid right down his throat. Ludwig furrowed his brow just as Roy put down the bottle and let out a satisfied "ahh."

"Thiiissss," he said, "is so…so…" he belched, the sound loud enough to cause ringing ears. "This is…sooo….good." He passed out on the table. Saliva flowed from his mouth, creating a puddle.

Ludwig cringed. Note to self, he thought. When Roy is old enough to drink, keep the stuff FAR away from him.

Right as he got done thinking that, the door slammed open. The spleen snatcher stood in the doorway; cringing, shaking, and breathing so hard he sounded like he was about to die. Shiny red bumps glistened on his skin, pulsating and throbbing. Sweat also poured out all over his body, giving the picture one last cherry to top onto the concerning sundae.

"What happened?" Ludwig asked.

The spleen snatcher closed the door. "Derek Utterman is a MONSTER!"

These words brought Roy out of his drunken stupor with a giggle. "I'm a monster too. A manly one…"

Ludwig ignored him and went over to the alien. "What did he do?"

"He knew my weakness." The spleen snatcher shuddered. "I don't know how, but he could anticipate my moves and counter them with attacks of his own!"

Ludwig's face fell. He supposed that was one disadvantage to Iggy being a dedicated fan of the show. Oh, sorry, Hearty.

"He's a menace!" the spleen snatcher continued. "He is by far the strongest foe I've ever faced! At least, on this planet." He cringed. "The Dollignas from the Difclke system left me with some of the nastiest scars." He lifted his arm. "Want to see?"

"No, that's fine, we're good," Ludwig said. He shook his head just as the snatcher lowered his arm. "Look, clearly this plan was a bust. Why don't you take a break; maybe have a drink or two while you recover from the fight."

Surprisingly, the alien shook his head. "No."

"No?" Ludwig raised an eyebrow. "You want to go back out there? After all of the damage Derek has inflicted on you?"

The snatcher nodded. "I was assigned to this mission, and I will not stop until it is complete. I CANNOT stop. Too much is at stake here."

Ludwig did a double take. This guy was either really dedicated, really serious, really desperate, or really stupid. Maybe it was a combination of all four.

"Um…okay." He glanced at the red sores. "Well, can we at least patch you up before you go out again?"

The alien considered this before giving his answer. "Very well." He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a bottle of what resembled lotion. "If you could rub this on my wounds, I would much appreciate it."

Ludwig tried not to cringe as he took the bottle. Perhaps he could see this as a small price to pay for getting Iggy back, no matter how disgusting the activity of touching an alien's throbbing, inflamed cysts was. If that was the case, he would gladly do it. He would do anything so long as he could get his brother back home.

…

Iggy let out a breath of relief as he sat in the lawn chair beside Derek's private pool. The sun cascaded down in a golden, immaterial waterfall onto his chest and arms. He was going to get an incredible suntan. This prospect really excited him, as Koopas having the skin type that allowed them to tan was a very improbable, very rare possibility. He had always wanted to experience a day where his scaly skin didn't burn up and cause him to contract sun poisoning.

He put a pair of Derek's sun glasses on and snuggled even deeper into the chair. This was Heaven. This was Paradise. He knew he had rehashed that point multiple times, but the repetition didn't make it any less true. He would gladly repeat those thoughts, indulge in the sweet happiness that they bestowed upon him.

Rustle rustle.

With the rustling sound falling on his ears, Iggy became alert. He sat up, his body going tense. Was it a wild animal in the bushes, like a rabid badger or a odorous skunk? Or was it something else? Something…worse?

"Who's there?" Iggy said. He reached for his drink on the side table. It wasn't much of a weapon, but throwing it into the intruder's face would surely allow him sometime to escape. "Show yourself!"

Out of the bush walked a creature that made Iggy's heart sink. It was the spleen snatcher. Again. Why oh why didn't this intergalactic imbecile realize that his endeavors weren't producing any results?

"Derek Utterman," the alien said as he walked toward Iggy. "You may have bested me before. But that doesn't mean you've won this war. I am going to kill you and take your spleen if it is the last thing I do."

Iggy let out a frustrated sigh. He knew that wasn't going to happen. After all, the spleen snatcher's weakness was water, and they were literally less than a foot away from a swimming pool. The snatcher might have been able to survive a shot from a water gun and water from a faucet, but there wasn't even a sliver of a chance he could survive being submerged in the pool. He would mostly like disintegrate, if the scene from episode 234 "The Snatcher's Demise" was any indication.

"Excuse me," Iggy said, not even bothering to get up from his chair. "But surely, by now, you should become at least semi cognisant of the fact that this is not going to turn in your favor."

"I don't care," the snatcher snarled. "I will not stop until you're dead."

Iggy rolled his eyes. "You spleen snatcher's just don't know when to quit." He grabbed his drink. It was more alcohol than water, but it was sure to give the snatcher a bad day if it was thrown in his face. He got up, walking toward the snatcher as slowly as a hunting apex predator. "I can fight you all day, every day for the rest of time if I have to."

The snatcher laughed. "I'd like to see you try. We snatchers are very…persistent."

Iggy snorted. "So I've gathered." He threw the drink at the snatcher, aiming for his weirdly inverted eyes. The snatcher just dodged, narrowly missing having the flammable irritant of a liquid make contact with his visage.

"Oh mama Merddel," the snatcher said as he chuckled. "Do you really think that that's gonna stop me?" He pulled a ray gun out of the holster on his belt.

Iggy's eyes grew wide. He jumped out of the way just as the alien took the shot, narrowly avoiding having a wound form and cauterize on his belly.

"This is idiotic and insane!" Iggy said. "You know as well as I do that I know all your tricks."

"I don't care." The alien took another shot. "I need your spleen. And you can't stop me from getting it."

Iggy rolled out of the way as the snatcher took on more shot. Now, they were both standing an inch away from the pool. Iggy's breathing became heavy as the snatcher held the gun three inches away from his chest.

"You can kiss your life goodbye, Derek Utterman."

Iggy let out a breath. He needed a way to buy sometime. So, he asked the first question that popped up in his mind.

"Why are you doing this? What benefit do you get from stealing my spleen?"

There was silence. The longer the silence went on, the more Iggy realized that that was a loaded question. Throughout all the appearances of the spleen snatchers in Heart to Heart, their motives were never fully explained. Well, they were given a surface level motivation (they needed human spleens to power their ships), but they never got the dignity of a full, in-depth explanation. So, this question would not only buy Iggy time, but its answer would also quench his ever growing curiosity.

After two minutes passed, the snatcher grit his teeth. "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," Iggy said, giving him a challenging look.

The snatcher hesitated before sighing and lowering his gun. "I have a family on my home planet. A wife and two daughters."

Iggy's eyes grew wide. "You…you do?"

"Oh yes." The snatcher chuckled as a smile grew on his face. "My girls are two of the most beautiful creatures in the galaxy. They're lucky they take after their mother."

Iggy nodded. "So, you're doing this because you wish to see them again?"

"Yep. My ship crash landed here and we have no power. The only way to power the ship is by extracting spleens from the human body." He grew misty eyed. "I want to see my family again. I really do."

An interesting feeling welled up inside Iggy's heart. It was difficult to place, but Iggy assumed that it was the beginnings of guilt. "They…they are important to you, aren't they?"

"Are you kidding? They mean the world to me! The entire universe!" The snatcher wiped away a big tear that accumulated in his eye. "When you have a family of your own, you stop at nothing to do what's best for them. You love them so deeply that nothing anyone can do or say will make you stop loving them. You need them. You want them. You can't live without them. They are everything to you. They are worth every last corner of the universe, anything that you could give up." He shook his head. "At least, that's what it's like with my species. I don't know what the deal is with yours."

As the snatcher said this, Iggy's face fell. He lowered his head as his mind went into overdrive. He had a family, just like the snatcher. A family that would do anything to keep him safe and happy. A family that had gotten him through the worst times. He thought of Lemmy's jokes, of Wendy's friendly advice, about Ludwig's music. Everything that his family did, Iggy loved. Even the annoyance that they caused him in the past was nothing in comparison to the warmth and joy they brought to his heart. Ultimately, he was a Koopa of science and logic. But he couldn't deny that he had a strong emotional connection to his family. Trying to say he didn't was ignoring the truth, lying to himself about it for no reason.

With these thoughts, Iggy realized that this was wrong. This was all wrong. Roy and Ludwig had gone into the TV to rescue him. He needed to return to them. They had risked life and limb just to take him back home. They loved him that much. The rest of his family felt the exact same way. He felt the exact same way.

"No," Iggy told the snatcher. "I get it." He sniffled. "I get it."

The snatcher blinked. "You do?" He chuckled. "I guess the schools on my planet weren't kidding when they said that love is universal."

"No," Iggy said with a shake of his head. "They were not." Panic filled his mind. "Oh man, I need to get back to Ludwig and Roy! They're probably worried sick about me!" He walked past the snatcher and made his way to the gate. "I need to go home with them."

Before he could exit the yard, the snatcher spoke up. "Hey! I came here for your spleen, and I'm not leaving until I get it!" He raised his gun.

"Oh. Right." Iggy hesitated before a thought crossed his mind. "Hey. You know, my girlfriend Bunny has a spleen too. Why don't you use hers? She's in the second floor bedroom, third door on the left."

The snatcher blinked. "You…really?"

"Yeah, sure, why not?" Iggy said with a shrug. He didn't have to feel guilty about this; Bunny was a fictional character after all. "Consider it a gift from me to you."

The snatcher smiled. "Wow. Thanks." He made his way toward the house just as Iggy made his way out of the yard.